Cock Ups, Big Knobs and Short Ass Flaps

It has been all fun and games up mines place this week. Well to be more precise- up Mines Mr Husbands place. You know the place where he spends time pretending to be flying (and earning the real money). In his cock pit. There happened to be a bit of a slip up in this cock pit. Well actually there happened to be one almighty cock up. Well to be perfectly honest it was Mines Mr Husbands cock up. Quite unintentional ye understand. Ye don't make Cock ups of this size on purpose. Unless ye are really bored. He has been in rather a tight spot in the cock pit all the week with this yer cock up. To be truthful a whole tube of KY jelly couldn't have got him out of this one easily. It was such that the Big Knob had to come down from yonder branch.And when I say Big Knob - I mean the Big, Big Knob. The Big Knob wasn't even big enough or brave enough to tackle a cock up of this size. And there wasn't too much hob knobbing either. I pleaded with Mines Mr Husband to let me come with him and have doings with the Big, Big Knob myself. But Mines Mr Husband stood firm. 'No, ye little twinkly tinsel tits' (he calls me all things Christmassy at this time of year), 'ye Gods I fear ye shall make things worse'. T'was what he said to me. All I wanted to do was run my ideas for a better workplace for thems all. I did make a list of these things once- did ye not read them?? I think a few net curtains, scatter cushions and fresh flowers would make a world of difference and cheer up a dull office. Also I think it would be good to get them all to have a group hug and sing 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam'- cheer them all up before work. Still though Mines Mr Husband said he would remain firm during this cock up and I would have to stay at home. 'Ye can't come in to hob knob with the Big, Big, Knob during this massive cock up because tis a sticky situation and ye could make the sticky situation even stickier'. Personally I think he thought I would make a booby as well. Or that and turn up naked on mines wrecking ball. Or do a bit of twerking. Owt tis possible with me. I go by whatever mood in be in at that moment. 'Ye stay at home my little xmas fruitcake' (I told ye he calls me Christmassy things at this time of the year)- 'ye search for short ass flaps, or Manky, Wanky donkey flaps like that there woman had on the telly to let her little pony enter when he felt like it'. Anyways he said there was much tension what with the cock up and the Big, Big Knob from yonder branch being in town and they were all waiting anxiously for a small part from the American part of the world. It would be a very special delivery. 'I sit here all the week alone waiting for a small part' I tell him. 'I don't even mind if a larger part arrives- I will take whatever comes'. Anyways the small part arrives and they send one of the Small Knobs from yonder branch to put it in. This has not gone down well with Mines Mr Husband or the other Knobs at this branch. Even the Brown Nose Creep is showing his displeasure. It seems that for all the Cock Ups down there this week there has not been much pleasure all the way round. I think they should have allowed me to go in and have doings with the Big, Big Knob- I could have eased the tension greatly among all thems knobs I reckons. Still I tell ye there are stirrings and strifes between thems Small Knobs and thems Big Knobs and the Big, Big Knobs. I feel there will be a stand off between the knobs over this cock up. Mines Mr Husband and some of the other Knobs could very well tell the Big, Big Knob where to stuff his cock up and his cock pit. It may not end well my friends- I do so fear. There could be Cock Ups, Cock Pits and Small Knobs and Big Knobs and Big, Big Knobs flying all over the place!

Cold Showers, King Arthur and Tight Muffs.

T'was not a good start to the day when we woke up and we only managed to get one cuppa tea and then the electric disappeared. Yes disappeared. We had no heating, no cooking, no more boiled kettles, no lights, no hot water, and no phone or broadband. Mines Mr Husband would prioritise theses in different orders ye understand- reverse order that is. We waited and we waited. And I know what ye are all thinking, 'did ye go all the way to Glastonbury Beth without having shower ye dirty little fecker?' Well how on earth did ye know I went to Glastonbury? I haven't even told ye all yet. Anyways the answer is of course I feckin did. Go to Glastonbury without having a shower that is.  I had a feckin freezin cold wash and it was a shock to me poor body (note to self- get this looked into before building straw and horse shit house in the woods)- I fear certain parts shall never quite be the same. Tightened me skin I tell ye- I have had to talk out the corner of me mowff all day. Won't even go into me muff!! T'was at the point mines Mr Husband realised we had no broadband that he decided on a day in Glastonbury. No broadband equals nervous breakdown in his little world. Tis two or three years at least since I had some time floating and drifting about at Glastonbury so I thought it was a good idea. Also I like to go there. It makes me feel normal. However on return Mines Mr Husband has told me to apologise to:

King Arfur's colourfully dressed handyman. I appreciate you stood in the middle of that lane in a state of meditation staring at the sky for a good reason but T'was ye own fault for wearing baggy trousies with elasticated waist. Must say, I liked ye chequered under crackers. Bit like some peoples pasts that I could tell ye of. (Ye did make I laffs though when ye started licking that window after ye got back up. Very entertaining I thought).

Also all thems old peoples stood round the centre thingymajig in the round square thingy. Well of course I could read the sign ye were holdin. It said ye were having a silent virgil. I know I mistaked it for virgin for a start but I didn't have mines glasses on. But ye must admit I did make ye laff eventually didn't I? And comes to think of it that ol' gal didn't look like she had an ounce of virgin left in her. Virgin on insanity if ye ask me. Gaw on- admit it. Even when I tickled ye ol' boys nose with nipple tassel- ye very nearly cracked didn't ye?

Ye ol' wise man dressed in the white. Ye know the one- the one with ye ol' white beard. Well ye looked like Santa didn't ye? I thought that was ye under garments. Very twangy elastic on ye drawers ye haves there don't ye? More than can be said for ye beard- Look Santa always haves a false beard. Not mines fault if ye didn't.

To the girl who was dressed like Johnny Depps Willy Wonka. I had to confiscate thems sweets from ye- T'was for ye own good. Ye father and Old King Arthur would have approved. Tis too late for mines teeth. And where the feck did ye learn language like that? Do ye know that ye are supposed to be quiet and peaceful in ye olde Glastonbury?

Finally - The shop with ye suit of armour- tis true I did pee in the leg- but I was desperado. Truly I was. Ye can always spray it with a bit of WD40 if it starts to go rusty. I keeps a can of that in mines cupboard just in case mines Mr Husband's nuts goes rusty (they do from time to time and I can say with all suredness it works a treat- he can swivel his nuts about freely with a spray of that!)

Ye will all be pleased to know that upon our return we have electric and broadband (mines Mr Husbands nervous breakdown averted). I have now had a bath and a shower - but not at the same time- even I can't be in two rooms at the same time - least not whilst I am awake!

Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!

Wax that Crack and Shift thee Ass

Last night I went and had a bath. T'was not mines birfday or anything. But tis how we roll in this house. Sometimes we do bath. Mines Mr Husband also had a bath. Not at the same time. We too old and cake shaped now. Last time we did this we both got jammed and my arferitic joints locked and we had to have three fire engine and twelve firemen to free us. Well we didn't have to have that many but I thought 'What oh, here be me chance to have a few fireman'. T'was like bath twister without the coloured cirlces. Anyways last after mines bath, (mines bath last night- not the one with the fireman. Not that I bathed with the fireman!) I got back downstairs and do ye know what I found? Well I tell ye. T'was mines Mr Husband sat naked as naked can be on mines peanut coloured leather sofa! Not a stitch on. Nuffink. 'What the feck ye be doing?' I asked. He looked surprised. 'Just watching telly' he answered casually. Just watching feckin telly? Sat there on my peanut coloured leather sofa, naked, just watching telly! He had no shame. He has no shame that man. He made no attempt to get dressed whatsoever. 'What ye doing naked on my peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?' I demanded to know. He then spouted all this stuff about it being his sofa too and who pays the rent. Blah blah. And then he asked 'would he complain if Johnny Depp should be sat here on ye peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?'.  What kind of a question is that to be asking a girl. Of course I wouldn't be complaining, I would be moaning so I would. So then I asked him a very personal question( Mines Mr Husband that is- not Johnny Depp- there wouldn't be time for questions with Johnny Depp!) - 'Have ye ever thought about getting ye crack waxed?'. Well then he looked shocked. Anyone would think this kind of question was well beyond my thinking. 'What a strange thing to ask me ye little fruitcake', he said. 'Why did ye ask me that?'. 'Well' I said 'just that when ye was off hob knobbing with big knobs I waxed the sofa with ye olde Lord Sheraton, and I haven't cleaned it off yet'! He gave me a shocked WTF look and then considered his position on my peanut cooured leather sofa. When he thought about it he soon shifted his arse then. He flew off that sofa. He won' t be sitting down for long at work tomorrow that be for sure!! On the plus side I don't have to clean that wax off me self now!!

Tie him up and keep him under the stairs and then dance naked

 WEDNESDAY: 9.30am Pleased with myself for identifying that the boiler is leaking.' How did ye do that Beth?' I hear ye all asking. Simples I tell ye.I opened the door and found that stuff was wet! So I touched the pipe and found that water was running down out. That guys is how ye find out if ye boiler is leaking. I thought 'ooh, water. That could mean the boiler is leaking'. And it is!! Well done me. Bet the FBI could use my detection skills. And get this, I rang EON and told them, all by myself. I only panicked when he asked me for me email address( for security reasons )because I gave him it and he said 'twas wrong. Eeejit he is. Like anyone is going to ring to get them to fix someone else's boiler!! Anyways the good news is I have had a nice chat to a nice man at EON and the letting agent. And tis exciting because now an engineer has to call- yay- company!! Ye know what that means don't ye guys? Yep thems of ye who knows me well. Remember the parcel man in the summer? Or the old peoples who were passing to visit the neighbours? Or Ivor the last estate agent? OH yay- anything could happen.................

11.30 am Was good news- the electrician called in off the cuff to complete a job he started weeks ago............I bet he wished he hadn't. I am glad I had me bra on. Tied him up with the cable, put him under the stairs for later.......Nigel due in two hours or less to mend the boiler........................

3pm Doing well today- that's two men under me stairs today- Nigel was glad too though- I think he thought I talked too much. Nice man- very nice man. Although he did have a twitch I feel this may be increased slightly by being under the stairs with Alan. Plus a message for mines Mr Husband from him- don't keep turning the thermostat down!!!

10pm Ah mines Mr Husband is home again. He has hob knobbed with the big knobs til he is all hob knobbed out. He said its lovely to be back home with his hot sexy and beautiful wife. I told him T'was generous to say such a thing and that I would pass in a crowd. Then he said 'yes but ye shine as an individual'. I said 'no, I glow in the dark. Tis a different thing all together'. He gone to his own bed for snorey sleeping now. Would be a good time now to go and have a chat with Alan and Nigel in the cupboard under the stairs.

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband has found out about Alan (the electrician) and Nigel (the plumber- with the twitch) that I tied up with cable and put under the stairs for later. He says I am to let them go home. I did do as my sister in law told me and presented each of them with a duster and polish. That's polish as in Mr Sheen not the country Poland Polish. Turns out Alan the electrician is called Andy (I thought he said Alan but then he did have tape on his mouth) is quite nifty with a duster. Nigel not so. Also Nigel has a twitch and tourettes and a heart condition. So I sent him home. I don't want nobody to deal with that got a heart condition. I dance naked on Saturdays to Elvis- don't want nobody having a heart attack on my highly polished  wooden flooring.  However, electricians are harder to get hold of. Ye know I waited 6 weeks for that man to fix my light and then the cheeky fecker wanted to keep the bulb I paid 10squids for. So I think I will be keeping the Alan/Andy person for the foreseeable future. I won't tell Mines Mr Husband because he gets funny about me keeping men under the stairs in our little cupboard. He goes on about Human Rights and stuff. I don't believe in all that. Not when it comes to getting an electrician. Also he will be handy for untangling the xmas lights. We haven't actually had xmas for some years now (cos it hurts soooo much- xmas is for families) but I do like to untangle the lights to keep up with tradition. They are blue our xmas lights- just by chance they match mines little sisters hair (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). She will be chuffed that our xmas lights match her hair.

I have consulted with my rice krispies this morning. They have told not to do anything but sing today but I have to make bread today.  Don't wear the wrong size bra peoples- its dangerous for ye health. Or don't wear one. Just put one on when ye goes out so ye don't get nipple burns on the pavement.

Gotta go now- the electrician say he needs a wee. Don't want damp patches in me cupboard.

Twerking, 5 a day, Cooking Heads

 SATURDAY-I bet ye thinking I be quiet. Not really. I dragged mines Mr Husband out of the house this morning for a trip to Dawlish. I didn't want to go particularly to Dawlish I wanted to go somewhere else but I couldn't for the damn life of me think what the place was called. So Dawlish it was because I had to say something before mines Mr Husband got very angry with me and I was determined to get that man off his arse and into the fresh air. He sulked. He swore at all the other drivers on HIS road. He wasn't even happy when I yelled 'STOP! I see a dead buzzard'- He can be ungrateful- I was going to get it for his collection. I got him not one, not two but three dead badgers last week. Was he grateful? Nope, feckin misery guts. He shivered and moaned all the morning despite being wrapped up in his Scottish Highland 200 year old anorak and his tartan blanket. Tis cos he is old now. I walked all along the seafront basking in the sunshine- t'was warm and cold at the same time but invigorating I felt. Was he feckin invigorated? Nope. He was blue. So I took him for coffee to warm him up and I told him of my plans to get some strong hiking boots, a pop up tent (just like the one in my Three Little Pigs book- what ye mean ye haven't read it?? Why not??), and a sleeping bag, and a shopping dilly (I got dodgy hips don't ye know?) and then I will be off to travel by my own around the globe. If mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion and constipation) can do it so can I. Do ye know what he said to me do ye??  No? I will tell ye. He said 'Give me some warning of when ye will be leaving and I will make thee some bread rolls to take'.  Umph.

SUNDAY - It has happened. Mines Mr Husband has learned that twerking is a sexually provocative dance. He has now forbidden me from twerking against strangers in Tesco. I asked him what he thought I had been doing all these years. He said 'Farting and then shaking the glitter down ye leg'. Tut tut.

MONDAY -Well big day for me. I ventured outside on me lonesome. I don't do this much. There are people are out there don't ye know. Tis true I only went to the Co-op round the corner. I bought some padded envelopes because they seemed such good value. A box of chocolate biscuits because I need a treat. Four bounty bars because Coconut is good for you - so I hope ye will all feel the benefit of me eating these. Also Mines Mr Husband hates coconut so I always opt for these because I know he won't do secret eating of my chocolate. And I hear ye all asking what else did ye buy Beth? Well I tell ye. I bought a carrot. Just the one. Well I only needed one. One will be plenty. Woman at checkout held it up after checking out other stuff and give me a sideways glance. 'Tis ok', I assured her- 'I am going to eat it- it forms part of my balanced diet. Tis one of my five a day-it goes with the four bounty bars'. Now of course if they had done bounty bars in packs of five I could have dispensed with the carrot altogether. But sadly the government peoples say we have to have five a day- That's chocolate bars and orgasms. Also mines husband is going to be hob knobbing with all the knobs at 'THE' office this week so I need a treat- tis a bit of comfort food. Well ye can't blame me.

 TUESDAY;Whoohoo- tis Tuesday. I like Tuesdays. Tuesdays are orange . Even when tis grey outside, tis an orange day. I do happy things on Tuesday like houseworky stuff. Today is a bit a different though because Mines Mr Husband has gone to 'THE' office to hob Knob with the big Knobs (I did tell ye all this yesterday- keep up).  This means two days and a night to mineself. 'What will ye do when I am away mines little pickled pumpkin?' he asked. I gave him the same answer that I always gives him when he goes away 'I will do the same things that ye would do if ye was left alone for days' I tells him. This ensures he soon comes back. Actually I shall probably be watching mines new DVD of Paddington, or I might watch the Minions again- or even Shaun the Sheeps. I shall curl up with mines five a day (four bounty bars and a carrot) and I have a bottle of coconut juice and pineapple (I do believe it has a splash of rum in it)- so I might have a drop of that. Colin Firth have also mentioned he may pop by. I think that was what he said.  I helped him pack his suitcase (that's mines Mr Husband not Shaun the sheeps or Colin Firth- Colin won't be needing clothes here- it is a really nice warm house). Tis true he is big enough to pack his own case these days but I had to him help guys. He only packed one pair of knickers and one pair of socks and one shirt. What kind of packing is that? 'Why only one of everything', I asked him. 'Cos I am only going overnight pumpkin- tis all I will need'. He said he might be going clubbing so I have packed his club and his seal skin. Ye can't be going clubbing without that. He hasn't even packed a choice of footwear or hairdryer. I have packed him some ornaments and a bath mat. These hotels tend to be a sparse. Anyways today I have to finish knitting a turtle so I can't be doing bloggin all day. But before I go I say have a massive happy 50th Birthday to mines little sister (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). Tis not her birthday but she needs reminding she is 50 cos her memory is shite.

Headlines today:' Cohabiting is reducing the divorce rate'- well who the feck would have thought it. Where would we be without feckin journalists eh?

Also They be talking about Christmas on loose women and asking if ye do cook a head for xmas day. Well to tell ye the truth we usually do a bit of lamb (or egg and chips if it falls on a weekday- yes guys I even doos me washing on xmas day)- but this year I have been thinking of cooking a head. Then I am thinking of using the hair and teeth to make a nice necklace and using the skull for a soup bowl. Must thank my girl Anna for the idea and the recipe. I don't have ye olde head yet but all I can say is don't anybody be pissing me off before xmas cos it could be your head I will be cooking.

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................

Death, Twerking and Cake

I love the fact that Loose Women discussed funerals and death today because so many people think it's too taboo. Because we are getting older and because I am bi-polar we discuss such morbid stuff regularly. We did this for an hour and half the other night just before we went to sleep. Mines Mr Husband doesn't want a funeral at all. He says its a waste of money. Much like going to the dentist. Another thing he won't do. He doesn't want anyone told either- nope not no-one- unless they ask specifically. It will be like, 'how is Steve? Is he dead?' Yep- I get asked that all the time so I do. I say 'no- he is just reading. He don't be moving a lot so he don't'. So all alone, I have to get rid of the body and then carry on like nothing as happened. Then I am to cremate him- which means putting him in the toaster I think. Our toaster tends to be where we cremate most stuff. Then I can keep him in a pot near the fireplace. Which we don't have!! A fireplace- not a pot. I don't want ye all thinking we ain't even got a pot to pi*s in-or put bodies in. I told him I will take a bit of him in a little bag where-ever I go so he is always with me if he likes. I haven't decided which bit yet. Then I told him that I want a big funeral, lots of weeping and sobbing. Everyone I know is to be there. There will be reading out of letters from me to everyone- yep even the arseholes. I will tell them all straight so I will. Then I want my favourite songs- The fair's moving on by Elvis and The Comedians by Roy Orbison. With a bit of Robbie Williams thrown in. Then I want salmon on cobs like me ol' mother-in-law would have done it. With a bit of cucumber. And loads of cake. I want someone to do Wrecking Ball and a bit of twerking and I would like someone to whip me nae nae. Then I want to be a tree. I deffo want to be a tree. So, there we are, laid there before we go to sleep talking funerals. Well mine, cos he don't want one remember? Then he says 'I think ye needs a therapist me little pumpkin'. Me need a therapist? He's the one that don't be wanting a funeral. So I finally agreed to a therapist. We are currently deciding whether a therapist should sleep in my bed or have his own room. Well I am discussing it. Mines Mr Husband seems to be a little shy of the idea! I don't know why- he suggested the feckin therapist in the first place!

Up yours and mine Updates and Good news

Well its good news. Just rang mines mother. I am who I am. I do exist. She reckons she was there when I was born and she can remember it. So up yours Mr Tax Man. Also said I won't be needing bathmats in the Seychelles because I can dip in the sea and come out and stand on the nice warm sand. Yay. Tis all good. Also two texts from my son and my daughter to send love-on a roll now. Having a singalong with Elvis and Beth

Up Yours And Mine Also...............

Well it been a funny ol' few days. According to the Inland Revenue I do not exist. (I know there are some who wish that- but we don't talk about them!) They sent me a form for immigrants to fill in! What a load of Iffle Piffle whatsit thingymajig that is. The woman at the council said they could fine me, imprison me or deport me!!! I am opting for deportation- I am going to come clean with them and tell them that I have come here illegally from the Seychelles and just hope that they deport me there. I have always fancied going to the Seychelles. Before I moved I found the original piece of paper they sent me when I was 15 yrs 9m with my NI number on it. The one I have used all my feckin life. Mines Mr Husband said 'Keep it safe'. I laughed. 'I have kept it all these years safe' I tells him. 'I don't think it be will unsafe now. I will just put it back in the same safe place'. And I did. And now I hear ye all asking 'where is the safe place?'. Well that be what I am going to ask ye lot. Any of ye know? Cos I sure as hell can't remember. I have turned this house upside down. On top of that I have a whole lot of stupid questions to answer- like all the places I have lived and worked (with dates). Well good luck to IR with getting that out of me. I am damned if I can remember. Also two questions (in this order)that are truly iffle piffle designed to baffle! It worked.

Details of first marriage:

Details of Previous marriage:

Now I am no Carol Vorderman- details of first marriage I can do- and even of the second but the previous one before the first one? Who are these people who write these feckin forms?? I got a feckin headache I have from all the stuff going round in me head. And I filled it in wrong because I cannot for the life of me work it out. I am going to write them one of my long letters. I might pop in a little advert for me new book. And to top it all I have to pack to go to the Seychelles. Wonder if I should pack bath mats?

Also this weekend the Cranbrook newspaper thingy has arrived. Pictures of the pumpkin party that I got ejected from all over the thing. Not one picture of the only person who turned up as a pumpkin- ok naked painted orange with a light bulb shoved up me arse (that was Mines Mr Husbands bright idea- his little contribution- he said I have a little contribution to shove up yer backside- t'was worrying to say the least- then he produced the light bulb. I know what ye are thinking- but t'was ok- t'was an alogen bulb and eco friendly and stuff). Anyways I am disappointed to see that I wasn't even mentioned let alone photographed so I have to write to the editor and get this sorted. Hopefully I will be in next months paper. I think I should at least get a mention all the effort we went to. I still got orange paint in some of me cracks.

The car passed the MOT - only one little light bulb needed. Cost us £1, and then £12 to fit it. I said to mines Mr Husband- 'I have a left over alogen bulb yer ye could have used. Still plenty of use in that- was only used for a pumpkin party'. He could have saved us a £1. Anyways that's hims happy for another year.

Mines Mr Husband hasn't been well of late. He has been seeing the Doctor. This week she took one look at me and then told him she knows what is wrong with him. 'Mr Husband- ye are depressed and stressed and anxious'. I kid ye not that's what she said!! She wants him to join a group. He says he will. (Think tis a ploy to have a break from me). I can't think of a worse group to join than one thats full of stressed and anxious and depressed people. I says to Mines Mr Husband 'don't ye be wasting time on that- if ye wants to be in a room full of people like that I will take ye to one of our family gatherings'. Now he really is anxious.

Well enjoy ye Sunday folks or whatever day tis in your part of the world. If ye are having a birthday have a drink for me and send me the cake.x

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................

Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.

Tits on Coasters

Mines Mr Husband is getting wearier and wearier so we have discussed his retiring. He says 'We have to have something to live on pickle- we can't just retire to a little cottage in Cornwall without means'. He always looks for obstacles. So I said 'My book is selling- we will live on the proceeds'. He pointed out that £20 won't actually last long. So I said 'there is always my photographs- I will put me tits on some coasters. They will look good on coasters'. Do ye know what he said? No? Well I will tell ye. He said 'they will good on my face'. So he has gone to work today with a coal tit coaster stuck to his left cheek, a blue tit coaster on his right and a great tit stuck to his forehead.  I like to comply with his wishes where I can.

Buy the Three Little Pigs in KOBO

Due to demand for the new book, The Three Little Pigs in different formats we have started converting it. The attached format is for readers with the KOBO. Here's a Paypal button that once you've paid will take you straight to the download for the Kobo.

 

Please let me know if it doesn't work and we can email you a copy once your payment is verified.

Beths TopTip and Sucking Toes

I haven't given ye all a Beths Top TIp for a while. I expect ye have noticed- tis with all this book lark and such like. (By the way did ye all enjoy it? Yep? Then please go to Amazon and leave a review for me- will much appreciated. I only have one review and that be from MMH- don't think that counts really And please tell all ye friends!). Anyway this weeks Beths Top Tip- DONT smash a jar of gravy granules all over the floor. 'Why not Beth'? I hear ye all crying- Well tis simples my little dimples. It makes a right feckin mess. And if ye do ignore me warning- whatever ye do, don't follow the instructions on the jar and add hot water- tis a right ol' mess ye will make. Is there a plus side to this I hear ye ask? Well there is I tell ye. 1) Ye whole house gets a good clean. (Unplanned- the best sort) 2) Ye gets a good workout (particularly good if ye have been a bit lazy of late) 3) Ye got a good reason to spank ye ol man when he gets home (for his stupid stacking in the cupboard- t'wasn't really his fault but me thinks he would like a spanking) and 4) makes ye feet taste feckin loverly.

Don't forget to buy the bookywooky and leave a review.
Loves ya all.xx

Virgin Showering, A good 8 Inches and cold arse

           Ye Gods- I am tired of this skinny bitch shower. Ye knows we have this skinny bitch house with a skinny bitch shower cubicle. It measures just three feet by three feet ( a metre square for you peoples born after 1990)- us oldies are better with feet and inches. Ye know where ye are with 8 inches. (Heaven!!). Tis no good this ere shower for cake shaped peoples like me and mines Mr Husband. We have had to learn to do the vertical limbo to get in. There is no where to put thee shower gel and thee shampoo. Fact. So I bought a hanging thingymajig with a hook to hang from the shower itself. Was okish but it squealed like a nervous virgin against the wall every time it got touched. Think blackboards and nails. I couldn't stand it anymore. Or hang it. So I bought a new one. Very similar but with plastic coating and added suction pads and an extra little shelfy thing to put extra shampoos and whatnots. The downside was the shampoos and whatnots had to lay down. Not too bad I thought. Until today when I got in the shower. It obstructed the shower so the shower kept turning round and pointing at the wall. I can't even begin to tell you the position I had to get into to get wet. Then the damn shelfy thing kept moving about. So I took it off the shower and hung it on the door. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out again with it there but I could move it again. I carefully stacked all the bottles on it, turned the shower head back round to face me and low and behold I couldn't move at all because there was no space. I tried to lift the shelfy thing off and hang on another door and all the bottles came off and clouted me on the head and on me feet. No room for doing the jive in there I tell ye. I bent over to pick them up and dabbed me cute arse on the cold tiles which in turn caused me to bang me head on the knob. The door knob that is. There be no room for two peoples in that shower, even bean pole shaped peoples. I yanked at the shelfy thing which was by now sucked firmly to the door- I slid it to the edge and yanked a bit more- hooray it came off but alas it landed sucker side down on the shower tray. The door flew open and the bathroom was getting soaked, I was yanking at this damn thing to get it off the floor but it was stuck firmly by its suckers- my cute arse hit the cold tiles again and I banged me head on the knob again (same knob- no room for two people- I just told ye that). I continued me shower stood on one leg, wedged in a corner with me head under me arm and me cute arse pressed against the tiles.  And where was Mines Mr Husband-? I hear ye all asking. Well I will tell ye - he was down stairs having his crumpet and never heard the commotion above his head. (Apparently.)  Tomorrow I am having a bath.

Knickers with Lace, Fat Balls and Tits, and Bull shit

ALL IN A WEEK AT OURS

Mines Mr Husband said that sometimes he comes out of work and he thinks 'I can't wait to get home and get mines wife's knickers off'. I said 'well don't be such an eejit- wear thee own knickers to work-you will get chafing from the lace from mine'. Ye Gods can a gal not have anything to herself..?

In the woods we found some bear shit and mines Mr Husband argued that it was Pony Shit. I don't know how the feck he knows. He can't even identify between foxes and badgers shit on the drive. I told him the way to tell is to taste it. Tis true I have seen this on a nature programme with Lee Evans. Mouse shit it was called I think. You taste it and then somehow you know if it is badgers shit or hedgehogs shit. I think the same happens with all the other kinds of shit too. I bent down anyways to have a sniff. 'It feckin stinks' I told him. 'It feckin stinks bad' I said taking another big sniff. Mines Granny said 'Take big sniffs it will be gone all the sooner'. Although that is usually cow shit. 'A husband who cares about his wife will taste this' I said 'in order to identify which kind of shit it is'. I took another sniff. 'It does stink really, really bad' I said, 'But not as bad as all the bullshit I been smelling this week'. Thus I concluded that I will rather sniff bear shit or pony shit than bull shit. But I have ousted the source of that now and all is good in the Lucas household now.

A BBC headline today is asking me if I would tell Apple if I have had sex- be jeepers what next? Tis only the business of the plums is what I say. De apples can mind their own feckin business.

I had a visit to see the new dentist. Money making racket if ye ask me. She said 'you grind your teeth a lot don't you? Why do you do that?'. Apparently because 'I like it' and 'what are ye a feckin therapist now', is not the right answer. She tried to sell me a thingy to go between my teeth to bite on to 'save them'. It is about 70 squids. I said 'I ain't feckin made of  money Mrs- I might be an awfur but I got to sell a heck of lot of three little pigs to make 70squid'. Instead I settled on buying cake to keep betwixt mines teef at nights to stop the grinding. Mine teef grinding that is not mines hips grinding. A gal needs a good twerk sometimes. Then, to stop me sucking she tried to sell me a new toof to go in the gap where the other dentist took one out two years ago. I like sucking I told her. I will stick a toffee in that gap and that should stop the sucking that displeases you and the kind of sucking I like can stay. I don't want one of thems false teeth. Mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) has one of these and it be nuffin but trouble. She even has to carry superglue in her handbag in case it breaks. The toof not the handbag. Although it did come in handy when her shoe broke and we was having a seaside day. I only had a ball of string. And ye all knows ye can't mend teef wiv string.

Mines Mr Husband has been getting the gardening done for me. He is currently have trouble with a whole herd of starlings attacking his fat balls. Tis very disconcerting for the tits it is. Mines Mr Husband do not display fat balls to attract starlings- only the tits. To be fair I do have a nice pair of tits who are eyeing up the little box I have put on the fence for them. I think we have a sale there guys.

Porky and Mess (the party size gateaux shaped people across the road- you remember them? Yes you do- I told you- she has an integrated bike rack-) they went to a party last week. I know. I seen thems loading up the car with cakes. And he had a clean shirt on. I followed them- well the cake called me- 'follow us, follow us'. So I did. They went to a party. I wasn't allowed in. Apparently they told the policemans I was stalking them. I said 'not strictly true your honour- I was stalking the cake- i have developed a dependency since hitting the menopause'. Talking of strictly I must remember to watch the results tonight. I felt sorry for poor old Tess Daley. She can only afford a dress with one sleeve. All that money the BBC takes in licence fees as well. I think I might drop a line to the secretary general or whatever he is.

Thats yer lot for this week folks. Its time for some Elvis whilst I lay on the floor waving me legs about and thrusting me pelvic floor muscles. Gotta keep thems hips moving.

An Awfur and collecting Mines Oscar- Not a tit in sight

What an exciting and exhausting week it has been guys. I am now an published author of my own take on fairy tales- The three Little Pigs is now landing on peoples door mats and kindles as we speak. My own proof copies are now off the press and winging their way to me from New York. I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to write this. You all know who ye are! If ye haven't ordered a copy ye can do so on Amazon right now!! If you have it already many, many thanks. Please tell your friends and don't forgot to go to Amazon and leave a review so it can be pushed up the rankings. I will post an address later for those who want to send me copies to sign. (Waterstones aren't quite ready for me yet!!)

Whoopee- I am an author. You all have a friend now who is an author! Mines little sister (with the issues and the day confusion) has a big sister who is an author. Mine childrens now have a mother who is an author. Bugger, that reminds me I should have got some champagne in. 15 years ago I had a breakdown- or a breakthrough as I like to call it. It changed me entire a life. I lost a lot of precious people and things including the will to live. I want to thank my husband Steven who has endured some of the toughest and hardest challenges with me and his patience is unending. Although sometimes he gets on me piggin nerves, tis true. I also want to thank a very special friend who has been there for the last thirteen years with a constant stream of letters, cards and texts. Her friendship helped through some very dark times in the early days. So a massive thank you to Dianne and her girls Cassie and Kayla. You came into my life when I needed you and you have stayed there and been constant. I wouldn't be here now if it were not for you and mines Mr Husband. I will do this speech again when I am collecting my Oscar. Now I am off to write todays status!! Ye can't wait can ye? I have to have me Cod liver oil first to oil me cogs. Catchas all later.....

Photographing me tits down in the woods and getting Deeper in the Bush

Was off to a good start today:
Epsom Salt Bath had.......Check
Thyroxin...........Check
Workout and sing-along with Beth and Elvis.......Check
Cod Liver Oil (yuk) and fruit juice.......Check
CBD oil ................Check
Live yogurt, Nuts and Coconut...........Check
Lavender Tea..................Check
Then just waiting for me Rice Krispies to tell me what to do!



I Know ye all wondering what instructions the rice krispies gave me today. Well they told me to take mines Mr Husband garden centre shopping- he has truly only just stopped sulking!! It was a bargain- buy one rose bush and get one free. He said 'we only come for a bag of potting compost'. I said 'Me little garden will be all pretty and smell fragrant next year, stop ye whining man. Not many girls got pretty and fragrant gardens so be thankful'. Then, after lunch that we didn't have, he decided to take me in the woods. I think it was all the garden talk. 'Let's go deep in the bush', he said. Sounded good to me. I couldn't wait to get in the woods. Soon as I did I stripped off and laid down on a nice little patch of woods. 'oh ye gods woman, what be ye doing. Put ye clothes on'. I was confused to be honest. 'Ye said ye were going to take me in the woods', I said. I was looking forward to this all the way here. He just looked at me like I was a mad woman. 'Yeah, to take photographs' he said. 'Glad ye cleared that up then' I said, 'I won't be putting me clothes back on just yet, ye can do some au natural pics' I told him as I draped over a log. (I got feckin splinters in places I can't show me mother). He shook his head- tis not good when he shakes his head. ' I was thinking more of taking pics of the tits', he said. That was easier to understand. Why didn't he say that in the first place? 'I just put me trousies back on then' I said. 'Tis going to be a topless shoot- I can do that'. He made me put ALL my clothes back on. I told him some men would give thems high teeth to photograph me topless'. He said 'I can photograph ye topless'. Then he took his shirt off. It was all very confusing. After that we went deeper and deeper into the bush because I thought I spied ye olde woodpecker (and a couple of parrots) until we were 'temporarily geographically misplaced' (lost to you and I, but the thinks he is posh- I told him even my mate Dave in Downing Street don't say 'people keep telling me to get geographically misplaced' and he is posh!). 'Ye feckin eejit', I said 'Ye have got us lost now'. He said 'Not I- I was just following you'. 'Oh that's right', I shouted 'Blame me why don't ye'. Then he started all that argumentative crap like 'YOU were leading. You were in front. You said 'this is the way-follow me'. My argument is this- He could have turned round and gone the other way at any time he liked. He said 'Then ye would have been temporarily geographically misplaced all on ye own'. Well at least I would have only had two of us to argue with and not three!! Still he got some nice pictures but I don't think he will putting them up for ye all to see. He be a meanie ass with his photos

Knicker Elastic, Big Chests and Dentists.

We are supposed to be going to the dentist today. Well I am. Mines Mr Husband doesn't do dentists. He think they just rips you off. However, he is very poorly so we might not be able to go because I still travel all the way to Burnham on Sea to the dentist. He says 'why don't ye get a dentist nearer to home?'. I do say to him 'cos they knows me teef up there they do- I been going there for twenty three years and I don't see the need to change'. He shakes his little nearly bald head. 'But t'is a new dentist now- she won't know ye teeth'. I pointed out that now she can have the pleasure of getting to know them one by one. He shud be thankful I don't still go to the dentist in Leicester. But if he is poorly today as was yesterday we shall stay home. He complained of something heavy sitting on his chest all day yesterday. 'My chest is heavy' he complained. 'Welcome to mines feckin world', I said 'I bet that be that green monster thingy from the advert. You need CORVONIA' I sang loudly at him- just like Ainsley does. He did jump a little-his feet almost left the ground and his coffee nearly left his hand..... 'for feck sake woman, why did ye have to do that?'- 'Well' I said 'I be just checking it ain't your heart- now go take ye blood pressure'. He told me off before for making people jump. Like on holiday with the family size gateau from Iceland woman on the zebra crossing who was wearing her trousers at half mast to reveal the largest white undergarment (they can be purchased at camping continental- they was inside out I am guessing to get maximum use outta them- they don't come cheap that size I am guessing)- Bridget Jones eat your heart out. She stopped momentarily to get her breath on the crossing. I don't know what made me do it but I twanged her knicker elastic- T'was a much bigger reverberation than I expected and T'was a large sharp intake of breath and a forgetting of which end to breath out of it. She did the same. All I said was ' See thees got thee surrender knickers on today then flower'. I think it must have been the knicker elastic twanging back and smacking her arse that made her jump. Good job I was able to move quicker than her- and that was with me arferitis. Mines Mr Husband told me off for that 'leave people alone' he said. 'I told ye to behave on this holiday'. I did behave- honest- that was me being good!! T'was a good job mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) wasn't with me. She would have tweaked her nipples as well.  If I ain't about today tis because I am at the dentist. Also mines other husband (the one I am having a break from) is poorly too so I will seeing him today to jolly him up a bit. So if ye don't see I much don't forgot to tell all ye friends about me new book. Be good and if ye can't be good don't get caught.x

Sleeping like a baby and out on Amazon

Well chuffed I be. I slept like a baby last night. Cot bumper round me head, one leg out the bars, t'other being held down by me teddy bear to protect me from monsters and a dummy in me eye. Well I made that last bit up- he was in his own bed. Anyway more chuffed than that I am- finally the book made it to Amazon at 11.30 last night whoohoo. It is in in kindle form and is available in paperback. You can view the kindle edition on kindle, phones, other tablets and pcs. You may have to download the kindle app if you don't have it. You can do that easily when you purchase the book. If you want kindle edition it is here :http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B016FTEN66….

If you want a physical copy you can order it from here-https://www.createspace.com/5795061
Physical copies will still be sent from Amazon Uk and the price is a little higher than kindle obviously. I only wanted to charge a small amount but they only give you a tiny percentage of the royalties that way. So the kindle edition is £3.29 and the physical copy is £4.99.
Go on- you know you want to. And when you have read it -please leave reviews it will push it up the rankings.
Whoohoo!