Ye probably
all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here. Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr
Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I
tell ye its a full time job.
Chewbacca
been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister-
then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime
minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.
I have
noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp
oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport
and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the
sky onto the tarmac?' he asked. 'Yes,' I
said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport
suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my
MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.
Mines
mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p.
T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel
a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p
that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need
or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said
'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok,
(apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing-
although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10,
but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.
Mid week I
suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the
love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was
so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the
ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all
that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though-
well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to
climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look
like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the
side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to
suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side
of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband
went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I
frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was
like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down.
And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no
way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough
room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me
camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me
back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes
back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very
tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the
car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I
would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there.
There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I
shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I
had a head start on him. I don't think
we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's
played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.
I did lay
down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down
there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with
thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow
pat'. He had a point. I Told him to put
his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took
me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy-
peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like
the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a
few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied
the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the
shark.
When we
got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll
in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath. Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this
house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye
books have arrived from New York'.
I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy
day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going
to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself
over to Amazon and order ye copy.
Finally
this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes
me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful
for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall
be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis
all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall.
Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded
feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she
will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.
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