Twerking Vicars, Elfs on Shelfs and Intense Sexual Encounters

Ye probably all been wondering why I haven't done me blogs. I have not forgotten ye. I have been having a few rough rides with me elf. Tis largely cos he can't see over the steering wheel. Should have left him on the shelf. Talking of Elf's they have some going cheap in Dunelm. I am going to buy one each for everyone's birthday this year. Sorted! Who wouldn't want an elf for their birthday?

Anyways here is the blog of two weeks.

SUNDAY BEFORE: I am not one to moan on blogs about being poorly- none of ye come to me page to here mines moans. Mines Mr Husband says he likes to hear mines moans but that's a different thing all together. Anyways I am having a few rough days- I couldn't tell ye what tis wrong with me but me temperature is up and down more often than a whores drawers on a Wednesday in the Odeon. Mines legs are as foggy as me head and won't hold me up. Mines blood pressure keeps dropping so far down I can't reach it. Mines Mr Husband keeps coming into the bedroom to give a poke. When I say he keeps coming to give me a poke- I mean with a cattle prod to ensure I am still alive. When I say a cattle prod tis the cane outta me tomato plants. Dunelm keeping ringing to see if I need anything cos I haven't been in for a couple of days. Don't ye all be thinking I am not caring about ye all, because I am. Anyways today Mines Mr Husband is at work and I am left alone. If I had the energy I would run with scissors. Instead, it will be me, bed and Elvis. If ye haves read my book please head across to Amazon and leave me a little review. Preferably a nice one. Push me up the rankings and give me some encouragement to write the follow up- when me blood pressure is better of course.

MONDAY BEFORE: I am feeling sorry for the people who was in thems houses in Turbanmaninstan when the airplane landed on them. And the people in the airplane too. Thems planes comes over the house here because we live on the precisepiss of the airport. I know all the colours of the pilots eyes. Bloodshot red. (Tis the booze and the long hours). They comes so low over here and I says to Mines Mr Husband 'I wish thems feckers wouldn't fly so low- it turns my blood to lamp oil'- and he says 'They have to fly this low so they can take off and land- what else do ye suggest? That they just drop from 30000ft straight on to the runway?'. I says 'yes- anything is better that flying past my bedroom window and winking at me with bloodshot eyes'. Think I will write to the airport and suggest it.

TUESDAY BEFORE: I have blue hands. Tis called Cyanosis. Cyan for blue- osis because they needed to put something on the end to identify you from printer ink. Mines Mr Husband says it is pronounced SIN-OSIS. Thats because he is a know-all. Sin also is what describes me. Perfect. However, the down side to look like a feckin smurf, and whilst it matches me cardigan, is that it means I have a problem with circulation. Mines Mr Husband wants me to see the Dr (easier said than done but we can try). Every night he takes my blood pressure. Mines Mr Husband not the Dr. (We have already established its hard to see him.)This is why I have none left- every night he takes it. 'Bring it feckin back' I say. Last night he says 'your blood pressure should not be 86/63- I am worried.' 'Ah, don't ye be worried' I said, 'We all gotta die of someat- and when I do ye needs to read the book to know what I wants'. He said 'well I am worried but I have to be up early in the morning so I am going to retire to my room'. He goes all posh sometimes. Then he says 'Don't die whilst I am gone'. I tells him 'Well I will try not to but if I dies in me sleeps I won't know will I?'- And then he genuinely says this 'For Fecks sake woman- stop complicating the issue'. So I stayed awake most of the night. I may go back to bed when I have had a cuppa tea.

Make him read book if I dies Please.

WEDNESDAY BEFORE: Well they have a new a slimming world doodah round here at the wotsit centre. 'Why don't ye go along?' says mines Mr Husband. 'Will get ye out the house and ye might make a few friends'. I thought 'well, I could- he be right'. So I been this morning. I gave it a lot of thought. I went in Co-op first whilst I was finkng about it. Then I stood outside the wotsit centre and looked inside in. There they all was. All the cake shaped persons on the estate. Sat there. Looking miserable as sin. So I stood there looking at them. Feeling sorry for them. Then I got a mars bar out and ate it-right there in front of them. Then I had another. I was there waving me mars bar about. And then I waved me muffin at them. They all started waving back and smiling.Eventually the woman person who was in charged drawed the feckin curtains. Bitch. Anyways I went back to co-op and bought a couple of dozen cup cakes. I waited til all these cake shaped persons comes out and gives them a couple cup cakes each. Mines Mr Husband was right. I have made some new friends. I think I will do this slimming world thingy every week from now on. That was fun!!

FRIDAY BEFORE:  I wished a very Happy Birthday to my gorgeous 56 year old husband. See how I sneaked in that 56 there. He was 56 that day and he doesn't look a day older. I took him to Brixham yesterday - I too will take him anywhere on his birthday cos I have no shame and today if he is really lucky I will take him in mines muvvers. I didn't manage to find him any deaded animals- only one last week and he made me put it back because it was only a half a one and we didn't know what it was. We thought we would end up putting it in the wrong drawer in the freezer. Yesterday I said to him 'would ye like venison for ye tea?'- He said yes, he is a partial to venison. Then it turns out it was harder to find than I thought. But as luck would have it I spotted three venison creatures at the side of the road. 'STOP'- I shouted at the top of telegraph hill (Hill- not pole- I am not that fit)- 'Road kill ahead'. He said 'where'- I said there- three venison's'. Then he pissed on me chips and he said 'they are still alive- they are grazing'. I told him we should hang around for a bit because they would surely be road kill sooner or later or he could have let me take the wheel. But no- sailing past we went! So burger and chips and without the burger for him.

SUNDAY: Well according my stars this week I am going to feel like reaching out and touching people. I say tis the other way about if this mornings naked trip to tesco was anything to go by. 'Ooooh nipples' thems policemans was saying when I poked thems eyes out.

MONDAY: Am I the only woman in the world to have her chopping boards placed in rotation order by her husband so they all get equal use (despite two of them being 7 years old at least)? #itsmykitchen.

Also I did give Mines Mr Husband specific instructions on cooking the dinner. 1 teaspoon of all spice. He thought I said old spice and now you can only guess what dinner today tastes like. However it smells delicious. So he has something going in his flavour.

TUESDAY : Well having established some rules in the kitchen with Mines Mr Husband- re; chopping board rotation #itsmykitchen- I told him 'Rotate thee socks and knickers if ye likes- but leave my kitchen out of it'- I decided to do some booby jiggling around Crankbrook. Sadly 'twas too foggy for anyone to see so 'twas very ineffective and pointless. Well not quite pointless if ye gets my drift- 'twas a bit nipply out there. Mines Mr Husband has promised to take me in Halfords tomorrow (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) and I am having some halogen fog lamps fitted!

If there is one thing I have learned today it's not to twerk naked at the vicar. She hates it!

WEDNESDAY: I love these beautiful frosty sunny Tuesday mornings. Shame I woke with a squidgy head and the whole world was covered in little orange dots. WTF is all that about?
Today I am starting a month of bone broths in an attempt to heal myself and hopefully rid myself of this crappy illness. Getting the bones could be a challenge - ideally they have to be from anti-biotic free bodies. Mines Mr Husband says 'where ye gonna find them then mines little lunatic?'- Well I said 'You have never had any anti-biotics have you?' ('Tis true he hasn't and apart from his gammy knee and his high blood pressure he is a healthy dude!). Anyways he has now gone into hiding. Please check ye sheds and if ye finds a naked shaking Mr Husband please reason with him and bring him back to me! I have broth to make.

FRIDAY:Today I went to Exmuff. I went into the butchers and asked him for a bone. He said he didn't have one - I lifted my top and jiggled mines boobies. And wouldn't ya just know it - he did have a bone for me after all. Lamb nonetheless. Thats me bone broth for next week sorted.

Then I went into the charity shop and asked the man in there if he had a Woody. He said no. I lifted me jumper and jiggled mines boobies. Still he had no Woody. Some men are harder than others - to get to co-operate that is. Then I asked him if he had a potato head and he burst into tears. I am not allowed back in there. Still searching for Woody for my little nephew. And I thought Toy story was popular.

Then outside Holland and Barratt they had people asking you to donate organs. I am not sure why they picked a health shop. Anyways I have donated all MMr Husbands organs. (I am quite attached to mine!)

Then I bought a nice pot for me sister. She didn't have one to piss in but now she has.

A partially successful day all round.

SATURDAY: Well today I am a bit disappointed. My stars said I was going to have an 'in tents sexual encounter' with a passionate man. I was looking forward to this. I have wandered around all of the local camp sites looking for a tent with Johnny Depp in or Robbie Williams (I see on instagram he was on holiday) but no one is even got a tent out there in this weather. I think that forecast was wrong. To be fair Mines Mr Husband say one day 'Wow, You are one hot babe'. I said 'I know, tis feckin menopause' (Or it could be an infection!). Then I realised he was looking at the computer and in video conference with Beyonce.

Also Amazon are going to start delivering parcels by drone. I think this is because they are on to me Re: tied up parcel men under the stairs. Also I am not keen on standing in the garden in the cold naked (what other way is there to receive a delivery than naked?) craning my neck waiting for a drone. I have Octopus New Roger don't they know and it feckin hurts looking up.

Anyways today is Sing along with Beth and Elvis Naked Dancing day. Fat Slimy Git who steals other peoples promotions is playing silly shits with Mines Mr Husbands shifts and so today I am left to my own devices. I will not be running with scissors. I did that last week. Now hers across the road got a fringe that matches mine. Only hers is lower down. Much lower down. That's what happens when a short arse (me) runs with scissors in the street. If ye wonders why I keep running down the street naked blame the hot flushes.

Off to put mines Elvis on and take mines clothes off.

Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.