Orgasms, Quality Sausages, Balls and Bushes

After reading yesterdays blog mines Mr Husband says he thinks I have learnt more than I am letting on so I had to have a think- I remember these things that I learned:

If ye are going to have a sausage- make sure it be good quality. Never have less than a bit of a good quality sausage.

Wearing socks to bed gives ye better orgasms. I wears nice thick fluffy socks all the time now- be prepared is what I say!

I learned if ye gets to close to the edge ye can get ye balls tangled in the bush. Not nice.

Ye can get away with many visits to Dunelm (whether ye needs new towels or not) if ye tells ye husband that tis fathers day again. I plead here with mines stepsons not to send anything for fathers day because he will then have an excuse not to go to Dunelm! And I will run out of excuses to go!

Tis mines Mr Husbands birthday very soon- Yay he be 55 (or so he says- I am never quite sure to believe him). Last years birthday I learned it matters not how long I spend or how many dead animals I collected for him he never be pleased with mines efforts. Next year he be getting 55 blow jobs. Well I be buying him 55 balloons. Same thing. And I am having cake.

And even today I have had a lesson- when ye removes a bowl of water from the sink to take out and wash away unknown creatures that be a cross between a slime and a squirm and won't die even with salt, make sure the tap don't get turned on by mistake. Why I hear ye cry? I tell ye- it be because ye floods yer feckin kitchen and ye haves to clean it all up and it takes a feckin age. I could have done with the super powers of mines little sister today to give me a hand with that! I be fair knackered now. On the plus side the kitchen is now nice and clean. Happy new feckin year!!

I

Keeping Ye Nipples out of Springs

Tis end of year. I not be doing sloppy stuff cos ye all knows how I feel about ye all. I loves ye all to the moon and back.

But ye knows I likes to recap on things learned by moi. No point in anything if ye don't learn anything from ye experiences.

Go on then Beth I hears ye all cry 'tell us what have ye learnt- we be dying to know'. Well I will tell ye!

I learned not to belch and fart at the same time- the hard way.

I learned if the tax man loses thee he can deport thee- even if ye don't come from abroad - so always have an exotic location in ye minds.

Tis always a good idea to take ye bath mats on ye holidays (few pictures and ornaments) and don't let ye husband see in ye suitcase or he will take 'em out. T'was how I ended without the shower curtain.

Always know where ye husband keeps the life insurance in case he gets stuck upon a feckin cliff on ye holidays.

I learnt to whip me nae nae- something else to add to my repertoire of entertainments beach walls, supermarkets and for parties (of which I don't go to many of- although I have been known to go to one or two un-invited if I have spied an open door).

People un-friend you if you voice strong opinions over jam sponge puddings- or even your hopes and dreams for yous kids.

T'is easy to have ye tits printed on coasters and even ye little bullfinches.

Ye can be taken just about anywhere with mines Mr Husband- twice on a railway track in one day even! (Although when he tied me there and told me to wait for a train I got a teeny weeny bit suspicious.)

I learned not all our new neighbours like Elvis. But it will grow on them.

I learned every family as at least one cockmuppet or one f*ck nugget. Sadly we seem to have many of both. Also it seems we have some who are still attention seeking past their age of 50 even! But we ignore them in the hope they go away.

I learned that Gary's are a dying breed. We don't wanna lose Gary's. So I have renamed all the kids on the estate Gary- even the girls. Especially the girls.

I learned that 'try before ye buy' doesn't apply to sun beds in Homebase- although mines Mr Husband said they probably wouldn't have minded quite so much if I hadn't insisted on stripping off. Still try again in 2016. God loves a trier.

I leaned not to let have Mines Mr Husband have the marker pen and packing tape when we are packing to move. He just runs amok with it. Tut tut tut.

I learned not to flash boobies at husband when he is in video conference with boss.

Tis simple enough mistake to mix up Jupiter with Uranus. Uranus is much smaller. Except hers across the road- ye know the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one- the one with the integrated bike rack.

Fitness pants do not make ye fitter!! Although tis good to get down on floor and do exercise cos ye can find lost chocolates and biscuits- even if bit dusty and damp still good for eating.

If ye doos 'The Cat' when ye doing Yogi ye can a) fall off back of sofa and b) ye can be arrested. Tis against the law to do ye cat- (but not ye sheep if ye are Welsh).

Stuffing a sofa when ye are naked is feckin hard work - ye haves to keep ye nipples away from the springs.

If ye haves a spoonful of cinnamon a day in a drink ye can lose weight. I haves mine in a nice glass of Baileys.

I learned Dreams do come true so keep followings thems feckers.

Finally I should, once again, thank all of ye who bought my book, and thank thems that actually read it, all of ye who have liked my status's and hit the 'follow' button- (mine that is). Those who follow me on blogspot and Google. And I want to thank mines lovely kids for loving me and mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe by her own admission) for keeping me fringe straight. Have a great 2016 and keep ye eye out for me new books and I have learned apparently tis easy to make a music CD in ye owns bedrooms now- so I am thinking me and Elvis here could even do that for ye all. Happy New Year.xxx

Balls, Twerking and Pickled Onions

I bet ye all be thinking that Beth is being quiet. I bet ye be all be thinking she be havin another day with her kids. Well as nice as that be I not been. But I did for the first time in seven years spend some much needed, if emotional time with them all. Mines Mr Husband bought me a new notebook so I can do updates to mines blogs in the middle of the night or the middle of nowhere even. Today I realised I did need a little mouse for mines new notebook. I thought oooh- I could do with a little mouse for this yer notebook. Well a dormouse really. Not just any ol mouse. I am not very good with this touchy feely clicky doodah watsit on this thing. Or any such thing with a clicky doodah watsit on any thing. I like a mouse. So I dragged mines Mr Husband to Currys to pick one out and he didn't mind- he likes it in there. He went off to look at things and left me to mines own devices. Mouse devices in particular. It all went quite well until I got stuck back to back with a man in the aisle. A nice man. A very nice man with a very nice bum. We rubbed bums. To be fair he did have a very, very nice bum and I wasn't in hurry to move. Then his wife appeared from a puff of smoke or somewhere like it and accused me of twerking with her husband. Me of all people. Twerking. Can ye believe that? Mines Mr Husband has said I have to apologise to Currys for the pandemonium that ensued – turns out they haven't forgotten the business with the vacuum thing last time I was in. Tis not mines fault if they put things where I can reach things. I am bound to fiddle with such things. Tis true I did leave a spot or two of dust when it fell apart but its not like they haven't got lots of vacuums. Also I set all the timers on the cameras to go off at various times and take pictures of random customers. It seemed like a good idea at the time but they complained about being flashed. Mines Mr Husband thinks it was a step too far to set all the alarm clocks to go off at random times too but I think that it keeps the staff on their toes- just in case they nod off. Some do look a bit docile at times. Of course mines son was not one of these when he worked in there. He was alert and on the button. Beside I brought him up to know that Britain needs Lerts. Anyways the guy with the very, very nice bum I know I should apologise but truth is me ol' cocker ye do have that kind of bum that attracts a twerker. And really Currys should be thanking me. The pandemonium made all the other customers think there was a run on mouses and keyboards and the aisle got rushed and there was no mouses left of any sort. So tomorrow we still have to find a mouse somewhere. Anyways I probably can't go in there for a bit. Then after it all calmed down and the security persons let us go we wented to Tesco. Mines Mr Husband said I should apologise to all the people who have now probably got home and found three bags sprouts in thems shopping trolleys that they didn't put in there. The thing is the shelves were loaded with thems and Tesco couldn't shift them. Now I didn't buy any obviously because whilst I like sprouts they don't like me. Whilst they do like Mines Mr Husband he doesn't like them. He has had two this year – just to be sociable. That is two sprouts not two bag fulls or even two plate fulls. I am also sorry to that man who spent a lot of time looking for his nuts. I am sorry, I pinched them. I know ye poor little fecker- he thought he had lost his marbles as well as his nuts. But ye did have the last ones and I did need some. Anyways I digress. I needed to clear the sprouts so that the nice man could bring some fresh carrots because we did want carrots. They only had mankywanky carrots and we don't want them. So now tomorrow we have to have the carrot fiasco again where I send mines Mr Husband to the Co-op for one carrot and he refuses to go for just one carrot on the grounds ye cannot buy just one. Remember last time he brought carrot cake as well. And sausages. And Milk. And Biscuits. In fact if I cannot walk to Co-op I think we may have to forget the carrots altogether and improvise. We do have lots of cheese. Mines Mr Husband said he doesn't want cheese with his roast dinner. I told him to be grateful. There are be-afrans who would be glad of it.
I also buyed mineself a big box of chocolates as a present to mineself for being a feckin fantastic wife. And nope I shall not be sharing them- sharing I shan't be. Anyways it don't say nuffin about sharin on the box. T'is the real reason I shuffle Mines Mr Husband off to his own bedroom. I can sit here in mines bed eating chocolates without sharing. Highly recommended ladies. He has been questioning my current pickled onion addiction. I have told him its not a new thing- I have always had it. I am only just coming out in the open with them. He doesn't like pickled onions either. Win, win for me. To be fair he does keep sneaking off to have a bite of a rather large pork pie that he bought. I don't want it anyway. Its out of date by three days. Its a mankywanky pork pie. Plus we don't have PPI for it (pork pie insurance). If he wants to be sick and have a belly ache he can. We have life insurance.
I also had a nice time with mines mother and mines father. Mines father has a laminator now. I think he wanted a terminator but he got a laminator. He is laminating everything. Mines Mr Husband got laminated yesterday. I just slipped though the net be the skins of me teef. Mines mother was very well behaved but I am putting this down to the fact she has been poorly and probably been laminated. She told me the osteopath told her to put two tennis balls in a sock and rest them behind her neck to ease the pain in her neck. Its not working he is still living there. Anyways she says any balls will do if ye haven't got tennis balls. Mines Mr Laminated Husband is been draped over the back of the sofa all day long wearing nothing but a sock. She is right- it doesn't work but it sure keeps him outta mischief.
Now I will be off to work on my end of year blog- a look back at what I have learned and what I have not learned. Also to look for some new shops I have not been yet banned from for mines naked and twerkingness. Tis all about whipping the nae nae this coming new year I fear.

Looking back at Nipple Tweaking and flashing boobs.

THANKYOU all for being part of my life and sharing my life's journey with me. Some of you know about the 'black dog' in my life and how he follows me round fecking barking and snapping at mines heels. But with your friendship, encouragement and love I keep him on his lead and at bay. Thank you for being there when all seems lost and you pick me up and put me back on me feets. You, yes YOU, you may not think you say or do much but every time you like my blogs or facebook status, or just leave a little comment you keep me going. This year started at an all time low for me but it has got better and I have got stronger. Thank you for being there for me- each and everyone of you from my bottom.

 As I already pointed out Tis nice that face book will pick a few of your memories for you- but last year it picked out as the most favourite moment for me the day I wore mines knickers inside out.  So I thought I would have a little look back mines self and pick out mines own memories. We have lots of fun days out and I have treated mines Mr Husband to many groundhog fathers days out which has seen him visit Torquay and Dawlish and Sidmuff and Tinmuff and Exmuff and a few days in Dunelm. But here are some of the other highlights that pop into my mind.

  T'was the year I went on holiday with mines little 'nipple tweaking' sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, part time camel toe (by her own admission) and accidental blue hair). I didn't know she was a nipple tweaking sister until we went on holiday but I found out the hard way. Wasn't just me and her on holiday, was also mines mother and father. Also it seems there was other peoples on holiday as well. Was just like it was when we was little but without our pesky brothers ( Shrek- the one with aversion to soap and water (he be a dirty fecker), the one with the aversion to peas and is of a nervous disposition (he be a fussy eater), and the other one, the one with a deficit order (he be hard to pin down). Also mines other little 'part time' sister wasn't there (the psychotic, stressy one with the full time camel toe) so it was a nice holiday all in all. That was in March. In May mines Mr Husband had his hard earned promotion whipped from under his nose by the BFG (Big Fat Git) with the aid of his spy in the huddle. Bang- there went me new sofa. Just like that! To say I was outraged is an understatement. But oh Karma is a bitch and we are having many last laughs. And you know what they say about who laughs longest- he has a sense of humour. Well at least that's what we say. July we left behind the cold damp cottage with the log burner. We said goodbye to him at number 5 with the ropey old cock that was replaced with a nice shiny new one, Pretty Young Thing next door with the Hot Hunky Marine Husband and the Screamy baby, Her at number 3 who liked to drive on the path and loved a swig of Gin, (and who got an accidental eyeful of mines boobies when I was flashing at mines husband in order to secure me some cream for mines pudding). We left behind Jean at number 4 with the little white yappy dog and she at number 6 with a face like a cat shitting razor blades. We also left behind having to sit night after night by the front door with me fire extinguisher in one hand and me bra in the other- just in case the log burner caught fire. And I don't have to get on buses anymore just because on a little trip to the post box I have happened to sit in a bus shelter for a rest. Instead we have a nice new skinny bitch house on an a skinny bitch estate where everyone goes jogging- apart from me and the family size gateaux shaped woman with the integrated bike rack across the road. It is a nice house, bit small and we have no room for our furniture and we have to do a vertical limbo dance just to have a shower. Other than it is ok. I can see us living here a long time as long as we don't put on any weight. In September t'was a very unmemorable birthday so I don't think I will even mention that! That was no birthday of mine I tell ye. Also in September I booked an impromptu holiday and took mines Mr Husband to Cornwall. We went here, there and everywhere, over hill and over dale and he did an impression of a cockle on a rock. And didn't know how to get down. I was worried. I said 'where have ye put the life insurance and throw me the keys to the car in case ye falls off that cliff'. In August we took mines girly Anna for birthday dinner and she was cheered up with steak and chocolate cake and she cheered me up too. Also we took mines little stepson to the zoo. He learned about twerking and wrecking balls, courtesy of yours truly in demonstration mode. Just lucky that there was a twerking ball already in the elephants house. In April the doctor told me I had arferitis and a dodgy hip (although to be fair she was only repeating what I had been telling her for ages). She insisted my hip action was quite good ( a fact borne out mines Mr Husband many times). Sadly T'is less so now. Mines Mr Husband has to cup my bum in his hand and help me up the stairs of a night time.  The Osteopath wanted me to take up Aquawhatsitfeckingbics but I refuse on the grounds it has to be done in a swimming pool and ye don't know who has peed in there! Twas the month of June the month the parcel man got tied up with bubble wrap and sticky tape and spent a week under mines stairs and mines Mr Husband also had the sticky tape and bubble wrap treatment and spent four days in a box. Never let it be said I don't know what to do with men. Especially when they gets under yours feets.

October saw the publication of mines book 'The Three little Pigs' A west country tale (for adults with a sense of humour). Massive thankyous to all of you who have purchased it and left fantastic feedback - could you please nip over to Amazon and leave feedback? And if ye haven't bought your copy yet- why not? Go on be a devil- ye know ye want to. Ye can have a paperback copy to hold in ye hand and ye can even send it to me to be signed. Or ye can download a copy for ye devices. Go on- ye knows ye wants to.......... Why not buy it for someone for Xmas??

So there it is- and by no means all of it yet (I still have more), holidays (x2- done well this year), nipple tweaking, twerking, zoos, new friends made, peoples captured and kept under the stairs, a new house, some new plants for the garden, some great day trips, my first book, some new friends and some fecked off because they weren't really friends at all. Oh and Mines Mr Husband had a nose bleed.

If ye wants to be reminded of mines adventures- ye might need a break from the family at xmas and need a bit of cheering up ye can always scroll through mines facebook pages or ye can nip over to my blogs on blog spot. http://bizzylizziesramblings.blogspot.co.uk/

All out of flying fecks to give

Well that was a long shopping trip for milk and posting letters. I would like to apologise to Curries for spending so long in there and not buying anything- Oh and pulling that vacuum apart and making all that mess all over the shop- oooops. But I may buy one- one day. And I may also buy that large speaker thingy with the blueteef whatsit and the disco lights. You know the one with 500 thingy sound. I am disappointed that it has no thingy to put my tape in or my cd whatsit thingy. However, I think it would be perfect for me and my mate Elvis to have a sing-along to the neighbours with. Infact we (me and my mate Elvis) think all of Cranbrook and Exeter can join in. Bonus.

 I suppose I should apologise (but I am not going to) to the angry looking man, the one with a face like a cat shitting razor blades, (yes you know who you are you miserable looking fecker) in the Sainsbury car park for beating you into that space. But to be fair Mr Husband was driving- I have no control over that. He is a law unto himself. Mines Mr Husband would definitely not like to apologise and he doesn't give a feck. In fact he is actually right clean out of fecks- even flying ones. He ain't a man to be tangled with after the shift he has just done. I tell ye, I don't tangle with him- I give him a wide berth. Plus Every man for himself in the bad weather at xmas. Serves ye right for going out at the same time as us. Actually we waited until the busiest time of the day so we could actually piss you off as much as possible. 'Lets go out whilst it be really busy and there are lots of peoples to annoy', I says to Mines Mr Husband.

Talking of annoying people- to the BNC/BFG (brown nose creep, big fat git) you are beginning to push your luck big time. Ringing mines Mr Husband on his day off after the shift he has just done. I would say I am sorry if you are having a crap time as well but I am not going to. You wanted that job. You took Mr Husbands promotion because you are a selfish, self centred fat Barsteward. Did you work hard for the last ten years for that job? No you didn't. Did you set up and get that branch running when there wasn't even a coffee cup let alone a coffee bar (you know the place where you spend most of your time perching your humongous ass)? No you didn't. He did- because that promotion was on the cards. And you sneaked in with your spy and whipped it from under his nose. So if the job is tougher than you thought - Good! Karma is a bitch and so I am- so don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth. Simples. Never Vex she who can Hex!! I hope that job drives your fat nuts into the ground and I hope your mother gets a boil on her bum.

And finally Mines Mr Husband thinks I should apologise to the family sized gateaux from Iceland shaped woman who I gave advice to in Tesco whilst choosing your Christmas outfit- But I won't because to be honest love with an ass like that you should not squeeze into leggings! No really, you shouldn't. Merry Xmas though just the same. (P.S- if you want to get into the top- maybe lay off the mince pies this year-yeah?).

Big Knobs Up and Down and Up and Down....

Dear Mr Big, Big, Big Knob- the Biggest Knob of all at the top of the tree. I know you offer a good renumeration package (oo-er look at me using big words first thing on a Monday morning even before the rest of the world is awake).

You, The Biggest Knob of all at the top of the tree, even though, having never as much as showed your face in the UK branches must have heard now about the enormous Cock Up faced by all your Knobs large and small over here because of one tiny slip of a floppy dics- namely Mines Mr Husbands. Let's face it who hasn't heard? It could of happened to anyone. Its amazing how quick the slip of a floppy dics can soon become an almighty Cock Up. And lets face it £70.000 is nothing is it? Tiddly amount of money. Its a pair of shoes or a new handbag for Mrs Biggest Knob of all at the top of tree- namely yours wife. Ok - so its quarter of a house over here- but Tis nowt to a man of your wealth. You owns half the world. I have even heard rumours that you pull ol' Obama's ding a ling string.

In my humble opinion this Cock Up wouldn't have happened if Mines Mr Husband had not had his promotion stolen from under his nose by the BNC (brown nose creep) aka BFG (Big Fat Git)- or as we like to called him Fatty Maccy D aka The Big Fat Burger and Beer King. How do I know this? Because he would have been engaged in something more meaningful at work, like his Internet Thingy, and not sat in the coffee bar pretending to be a coffee bar kid like the BFG. The correct floppy dics may have been correctly installed at the correct time by someone else. At the very least none of this would have been Mines Mr Husbands Cock Up. The whole thing is a farce from start to end. You have already lost one Little Knob because he didn't want twenty tons of burger bearing down on him day after day and belching in his ear. He had some good foresight for just a Small Knob. Even the BFG's spy is about to leave the camp- in truth the only friend he had. Oh yes, his little a spy. 'I spy with your little eye because I am too fat and lazy to do my own work' Spy. A slippery Knob if ever I met one. Not quite as subtle as spy penguin and not quite as cute, and almost certainly not as intelligent. But you know what they say, (who ever they are- I don't know who they are either, but they sure have a lot to say) when the going gets tough the spy penguin shits and splits. Or words to that effect. Now the Cock Up is more down than up and the ups and downs of the Cock Up are more or less back to normal, a state reached by Mines Mr Husbands own skill and patience I would like to point out that making him do an extra shift immediately on top of a completed shift - (one that contained more shit than a shared shit pit in Whimple) was a gargantuous farce. Not to mention unnecessary and downright cruel. Is it you that have to lives with him when he is like a bear with a sore head? No, tisn't - tis I. If you had been living with him you would not have had him do this-  and for what reason? To impress the Big Big Knob who is making another appearance again today to meet with other Big, Big knobs. And he won't even get to see Mines Mr Husband and thank him for his hard work and dedication to putting right a little diddly, squiddly shit of a problem because Mines Mr Husband is sleeping an unnecessary extra night shift off and that is why I am up at an ungodly hour writing this bloody letter to you. And you don't need to keep banging on about £70.000 feckin squids.

The Big, Big Knob has never been so actively up and down and in and out. Up and Down and in and Out. Up and Down and in and Out. And I still haven't got chance to discuss the net curtains and scatter cushions with him- or the 'Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam' thing. And I have had a good idea for a sticker chart for good behaviour and extra shifts completed.  I think now the Cock Up is over and neither up nor down can we just not put it to bed and sack the BFG? Can't we all just have a nice cup of Yorkshire tea and a Hob Knob (with chocolate on) and move on. We need some closure as ye Americans like to say. Oh and well ye are at it would ye like to buy a copy or two (cos' ye can afford two) of my book? Go on. And I won't kill you off in the next one!!

Cock Ups, Big Knobs and Short Ass Flaps

It has been all fun and games up mines place this week. Well to be more precise- up Mines Mr Husbands place. You know the place where he spends time pretending to be flying (and earning the real money). In his cock pit. There happened to be a bit of a slip up in this cock pit. Well actually there happened to be one almighty cock up. Well to be perfectly honest it was Mines Mr Husbands cock up. Quite unintentional ye understand. Ye don't make Cock ups of this size on purpose. Unless ye are really bored. He has been in rather a tight spot in the cock pit all the week with this yer cock up. To be truthful a whole tube of KY jelly couldn't have got him out of this one easily. It was such that the Big Knob had to come down from yonder branch.And when I say Big Knob - I mean the Big, Big Knob. The Big Knob wasn't even big enough or brave enough to tackle a cock up of this size. And there wasn't too much hob knobbing either. I pleaded with Mines Mr Husband to let me come with him and have doings with the Big, Big Knob myself. But Mines Mr Husband stood firm. 'No, ye little twinkly tinsel tits' (he calls me all things Christmassy at this time of year), 'ye Gods I fear ye shall make things worse'. T'was what he said to me. All I wanted to do was run my ideas for a better workplace for thems all. I did make a list of these things once- did ye not read them?? I think a few net curtains, scatter cushions and fresh flowers would make a world of difference and cheer up a dull office. Also I think it would be good to get them all to have a group hug and sing 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam'- cheer them all up before work. Still though Mines Mr Husband said he would remain firm during this cock up and I would have to stay at home. 'Ye can't come in to hob knob with the Big, Big, Knob during this massive cock up because tis a sticky situation and ye could make the sticky situation even stickier'. Personally I think he thought I would make a booby as well. Or that and turn up naked on mines wrecking ball. Or do a bit of twerking. Owt tis possible with me. I go by whatever mood in be in at that moment. 'Ye stay at home my little xmas fruitcake' (I told ye he calls me Christmassy things at this time of the year)- 'ye search for short ass flaps, or Manky, Wanky donkey flaps like that there woman had on the telly to let her little pony enter when he felt like it'. Anyways he said there was much tension what with the cock up and the Big, Big Knob from yonder branch being in town and they were all waiting anxiously for a small part from the American part of the world. It would be a very special delivery. 'I sit here all the week alone waiting for a small part' I tell him. 'I don't even mind if a larger part arrives- I will take whatever comes'. Anyways the small part arrives and they send one of the Small Knobs from yonder branch to put it in. This has not gone down well with Mines Mr Husband or the other Knobs at this branch. Even the Brown Nose Creep is showing his displeasure. It seems that for all the Cock Ups down there this week there has not been much pleasure all the way round. I think they should have allowed me to go in and have doings with the Big, Big Knob- I could have eased the tension greatly among all thems knobs I reckons. Still I tell ye there are stirrings and strifes between thems Small Knobs and thems Big Knobs and the Big, Big Knobs. I feel there will be a stand off between the knobs over this cock up. Mines Mr Husband and some of the other Knobs could very well tell the Big, Big Knob where to stuff his cock up and his cock pit. It may not end well my friends- I do so fear. There could be Cock Ups, Cock Pits and Small Knobs and Big Knobs and Big, Big Knobs flying all over the place!

Cold Showers, King Arthur and Tight Muffs.

T'was not a good start to the day when we woke up and we only managed to get one cuppa tea and then the electric disappeared. Yes disappeared. We had no heating, no cooking, no more boiled kettles, no lights, no hot water, and no phone or broadband. Mines Mr Husband would prioritise theses in different orders ye understand- reverse order that is. We waited and we waited. And I know what ye are all thinking, 'did ye go all the way to Glastonbury Beth without having shower ye dirty little fecker?' Well how on earth did ye know I went to Glastonbury? I haven't even told ye all yet. Anyways the answer is of course I feckin did. Go to Glastonbury without having a shower that is.  I had a feckin freezin cold wash and it was a shock to me poor body (note to self- get this looked into before building straw and horse shit house in the woods)- I fear certain parts shall never quite be the same. Tightened me skin I tell ye- I have had to talk out the corner of me mowff all day. Won't even go into me muff!! T'was at the point mines Mr Husband realised we had no broadband that he decided on a day in Glastonbury. No broadband equals nervous breakdown in his little world. Tis two or three years at least since I had some time floating and drifting about at Glastonbury so I thought it was a good idea. Also I like to go there. It makes me feel normal. However on return Mines Mr Husband has told me to apologise to:

King Arfur's colourfully dressed handyman. I appreciate you stood in the middle of that lane in a state of meditation staring at the sky for a good reason but T'was ye own fault for wearing baggy trousies with elasticated waist. Must say, I liked ye chequered under crackers. Bit like some peoples pasts that I could tell ye of. (Ye did make I laffs though when ye started licking that window after ye got back up. Very entertaining I thought).

Also all thems old peoples stood round the centre thingymajig in the round square thingy. Well of course I could read the sign ye were holdin. It said ye were having a silent virgil. I know I mistaked it for virgin for a start but I didn't have mines glasses on. But ye must admit I did make ye laff eventually didn't I? And comes to think of it that ol' gal didn't look like she had an ounce of virgin left in her. Virgin on insanity if ye ask me. Gaw on- admit it. Even when I tickled ye ol' boys nose with nipple tassel- ye very nearly cracked didn't ye?

Ye ol' wise man dressed in the white. Ye know the one- the one with ye ol' white beard. Well ye looked like Santa didn't ye? I thought that was ye under garments. Very twangy elastic on ye drawers ye haves there don't ye? More than can be said for ye beard- Look Santa always haves a false beard. Not mines fault if ye didn't.

To the girl who was dressed like Johnny Depps Willy Wonka. I had to confiscate thems sweets from ye- T'was for ye own good. Ye father and Old King Arthur would have approved. Tis too late for mines teeth. And where the feck did ye learn language like that? Do ye know that ye are supposed to be quiet and peaceful in ye olde Glastonbury?

Finally - The shop with ye suit of armour- tis true I did pee in the leg- but I was desperado. Truly I was. Ye can always spray it with a bit of WD40 if it starts to go rusty. I keeps a can of that in mines cupboard just in case mines Mr Husband's nuts goes rusty (they do from time to time and I can say with all suredness it works a treat- he can swivel his nuts about freely with a spray of that!)

Ye will all be pleased to know that upon our return we have electric and broadband (mines Mr Husbands nervous breakdown averted). I have now had a bath and a shower - but not at the same time- even I can't be in two rooms at the same time - least not whilst I am awake!

Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!

Wax that Crack and Shift thee Ass

Last night I went and had a bath. T'was not mines birfday or anything. But tis how we roll in this house. Sometimes we do bath. Mines Mr Husband also had a bath. Not at the same time. We too old and cake shaped now. Last time we did this we both got jammed and my arferitic joints locked and we had to have three fire engine and twelve firemen to free us. Well we didn't have to have that many but I thought 'What oh, here be me chance to have a few fireman'. T'was like bath twister without the coloured cirlces. Anyways last after mines bath, (mines bath last night- not the one with the fireman. Not that I bathed with the fireman!) I got back downstairs and do ye know what I found? Well I tell ye. T'was mines Mr Husband sat naked as naked can be on mines peanut coloured leather sofa! Not a stitch on. Nuffink. 'What the feck ye be doing?' I asked. He looked surprised. 'Just watching telly' he answered casually. Just watching feckin telly? Sat there on my peanut coloured leather sofa, naked, just watching telly! He had no shame. He has no shame that man. He made no attempt to get dressed whatsoever. 'What ye doing naked on my peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?' I demanded to know. He then spouted all this stuff about it being his sofa too and who pays the rent. Blah blah. And then he asked 'would he complain if Johnny Depp should be sat here on ye peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?'.  What kind of a question is that to be asking a girl. Of course I wouldn't be complaining, I would be moaning so I would. So then I asked him a very personal question( Mines Mr Husband that is- not Johnny Depp- there wouldn't be time for questions with Johnny Depp!) - 'Have ye ever thought about getting ye crack waxed?'. Well then he looked shocked. Anyone would think this kind of question was well beyond my thinking. 'What a strange thing to ask me ye little fruitcake', he said. 'Why did ye ask me that?'. 'Well' I said 'just that when ye was off hob knobbing with big knobs I waxed the sofa with ye olde Lord Sheraton, and I haven't cleaned it off yet'! He gave me a shocked WTF look and then considered his position on my peanut cooured leather sofa. When he thought about it he soon shifted his arse then. He flew off that sofa. He won' t be sitting down for long at work tomorrow that be for sure!! On the plus side I don't have to clean that wax off me self now!!

Tie him up and keep him under the stairs and then dance naked

 WEDNESDAY: 9.30am Pleased with myself for identifying that the boiler is leaking.' How did ye do that Beth?' I hear ye all asking. Simples I tell ye.I opened the door and found that stuff was wet! So I touched the pipe and found that water was running down out. That guys is how ye find out if ye boiler is leaking. I thought 'ooh, water. That could mean the boiler is leaking'. And it is!! Well done me. Bet the FBI could use my detection skills. And get this, I rang EON and told them, all by myself. I only panicked when he asked me for me email address( for security reasons )because I gave him it and he said 'twas wrong. Eeejit he is. Like anyone is going to ring to get them to fix someone else's boiler!! Anyways the good news is I have had a nice chat to a nice man at EON and the letting agent. And tis exciting because now an engineer has to call- yay- company!! Ye know what that means don't ye guys? Yep thems of ye who knows me well. Remember the parcel man in the summer? Or the old peoples who were passing to visit the neighbours? Or Ivor the last estate agent? OH yay- anything could happen.................

11.30 am Was good news- the electrician called in off the cuff to complete a job he started weeks ago............I bet he wished he hadn't. I am glad I had me bra on. Tied him up with the cable, put him under the stairs for later.......Nigel due in two hours or less to mend the boiler........................

3pm Doing well today- that's two men under me stairs today- Nigel was glad too though- I think he thought I talked too much. Nice man- very nice man. Although he did have a twitch I feel this may be increased slightly by being under the stairs with Alan. Plus a message for mines Mr Husband from him- don't keep turning the thermostat down!!!

10pm Ah mines Mr Husband is home again. He has hob knobbed with the big knobs til he is all hob knobbed out. He said its lovely to be back home with his hot sexy and beautiful wife. I told him T'was generous to say such a thing and that I would pass in a crowd. Then he said 'yes but ye shine as an individual'. I said 'no, I glow in the dark. Tis a different thing all together'. He gone to his own bed for snorey sleeping now. Would be a good time now to go and have a chat with Alan and Nigel in the cupboard under the stairs.

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband has found out about Alan (the electrician) and Nigel (the plumber- with the twitch) that I tied up with cable and put under the stairs for later. He says I am to let them go home. I did do as my sister in law told me and presented each of them with a duster and polish. That's polish as in Mr Sheen not the country Poland Polish. Turns out Alan the electrician is called Andy (I thought he said Alan but then he did have tape on his mouth) is quite nifty with a duster. Nigel not so. Also Nigel has a twitch and tourettes and a heart condition. So I sent him home. I don't want nobody to deal with that got a heart condition. I dance naked on Saturdays to Elvis- don't want nobody having a heart attack on my highly polished  wooden flooring.  However, electricians are harder to get hold of. Ye know I waited 6 weeks for that man to fix my light and then the cheeky fecker wanted to keep the bulb I paid 10squids for. So I think I will be keeping the Alan/Andy person for the foreseeable future. I won't tell Mines Mr Husband because he gets funny about me keeping men under the stairs in our little cupboard. He goes on about Human Rights and stuff. I don't believe in all that. Not when it comes to getting an electrician. Also he will be handy for untangling the xmas lights. We haven't actually had xmas for some years now (cos it hurts soooo much- xmas is for families) but I do like to untangle the lights to keep up with tradition. They are blue our xmas lights- just by chance they match mines little sisters hair (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). She will be chuffed that our xmas lights match her hair.

I have consulted with my rice krispies this morning. They have told not to do anything but sing today but I have to make bread today.  Don't wear the wrong size bra peoples- its dangerous for ye health. Or don't wear one. Just put one on when ye goes out so ye don't get nipple burns on the pavement.

Gotta go now- the electrician say he needs a wee. Don't want damp patches in me cupboard.

Twerking, 5 a day, Cooking Heads

 SATURDAY-I bet ye thinking I be quiet. Not really. I dragged mines Mr Husband out of the house this morning for a trip to Dawlish. I didn't want to go particularly to Dawlish I wanted to go somewhere else but I couldn't for the damn life of me think what the place was called. So Dawlish it was because I had to say something before mines Mr Husband got very angry with me and I was determined to get that man off his arse and into the fresh air. He sulked. He swore at all the other drivers on HIS road. He wasn't even happy when I yelled 'STOP! I see a dead buzzard'- He can be ungrateful- I was going to get it for his collection. I got him not one, not two but three dead badgers last week. Was he grateful? Nope, feckin misery guts. He shivered and moaned all the morning despite being wrapped up in his Scottish Highland 200 year old anorak and his tartan blanket. Tis cos he is old now. I walked all along the seafront basking in the sunshine- t'was warm and cold at the same time but invigorating I felt. Was he feckin invigorated? Nope. He was blue. So I took him for coffee to warm him up and I told him of my plans to get some strong hiking boots, a pop up tent (just like the one in my Three Little Pigs book- what ye mean ye haven't read it?? Why not??), and a sleeping bag, and a shopping dilly (I got dodgy hips don't ye know?) and then I will be off to travel by my own around the globe. If mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion and constipation) can do it so can I. Do ye know what he said to me do ye??  No? I will tell ye. He said 'Give me some warning of when ye will be leaving and I will make thee some bread rolls to take'.  Umph.

SUNDAY - It has happened. Mines Mr Husband has learned that twerking is a sexually provocative dance. He has now forbidden me from twerking against strangers in Tesco. I asked him what he thought I had been doing all these years. He said 'Farting and then shaking the glitter down ye leg'. Tut tut.

MONDAY -Well big day for me. I ventured outside on me lonesome. I don't do this much. There are people are out there don't ye know. Tis true I only went to the Co-op round the corner. I bought some padded envelopes because they seemed such good value. A box of chocolate biscuits because I need a treat. Four bounty bars because Coconut is good for you - so I hope ye will all feel the benefit of me eating these. Also Mines Mr Husband hates coconut so I always opt for these because I know he won't do secret eating of my chocolate. And I hear ye all asking what else did ye buy Beth? Well I tell ye. I bought a carrot. Just the one. Well I only needed one. One will be plenty. Woman at checkout held it up after checking out other stuff and give me a sideways glance. 'Tis ok', I assured her- 'I am going to eat it- it forms part of my balanced diet. Tis one of my five a day-it goes with the four bounty bars'. Now of course if they had done bounty bars in packs of five I could have dispensed with the carrot altogether. But sadly the government peoples say we have to have five a day- That's chocolate bars and orgasms. Also mines husband is going to be hob knobbing with all the knobs at 'THE' office this week so I need a treat- tis a bit of comfort food. Well ye can't blame me.

 TUESDAY;Whoohoo- tis Tuesday. I like Tuesdays. Tuesdays are orange . Even when tis grey outside, tis an orange day. I do happy things on Tuesday like houseworky stuff. Today is a bit a different though because Mines Mr Husband has gone to 'THE' office to hob Knob with the big Knobs (I did tell ye all this yesterday- keep up).  This means two days and a night to mineself. 'What will ye do when I am away mines little pickled pumpkin?' he asked. I gave him the same answer that I always gives him when he goes away 'I will do the same things that ye would do if ye was left alone for days' I tells him. This ensures he soon comes back. Actually I shall probably be watching mines new DVD of Paddington, or I might watch the Minions again- or even Shaun the Sheeps. I shall curl up with mines five a day (four bounty bars and a carrot) and I have a bottle of coconut juice and pineapple (I do believe it has a splash of rum in it)- so I might have a drop of that. Colin Firth have also mentioned he may pop by. I think that was what he said.  I helped him pack his suitcase (that's mines Mr Husband not Shaun the sheeps or Colin Firth- Colin won't be needing clothes here- it is a really nice warm house). Tis true he is big enough to pack his own case these days but I had to him help guys. He only packed one pair of knickers and one pair of socks and one shirt. What kind of packing is that? 'Why only one of everything', I asked him. 'Cos I am only going overnight pumpkin- tis all I will need'. He said he might be going clubbing so I have packed his club and his seal skin. Ye can't be going clubbing without that. He hasn't even packed a choice of footwear or hairdryer. I have packed him some ornaments and a bath mat. These hotels tend to be a sparse. Anyways today I have to finish knitting a turtle so I can't be doing bloggin all day. But before I go I say have a massive happy 50th Birthday to mines little sister (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). Tis not her birthday but she needs reminding she is 50 cos her memory is shite.

Headlines today:' Cohabiting is reducing the divorce rate'- well who the feck would have thought it. Where would we be without feckin journalists eh?

Also They be talking about Christmas on loose women and asking if ye do cook a head for xmas day. Well to tell ye the truth we usually do a bit of lamb (or egg and chips if it falls on a weekday- yes guys I even doos me washing on xmas day)- but this year I have been thinking of cooking a head. Then I am thinking of using the hair and teeth to make a nice necklace and using the skull for a soup bowl. Must thank my girl Anna for the idea and the recipe. I don't have ye olde head yet but all I can say is don't anybody be pissing me off before xmas cos it could be your head I will be cooking.

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................

Death, Twerking and Cake

I love the fact that Loose Women discussed funerals and death today because so many people think it's too taboo. Because we are getting older and because I am bi-polar we discuss such morbid stuff regularly. We did this for an hour and half the other night just before we went to sleep. Mines Mr Husband doesn't want a funeral at all. He says its a waste of money. Much like going to the dentist. Another thing he won't do. He doesn't want anyone told either- nope not no-one- unless they ask specifically. It will be like, 'how is Steve? Is he dead?' Yep- I get asked that all the time so I do. I say 'no- he is just reading. He don't be moving a lot so he don't'. So all alone, I have to get rid of the body and then carry on like nothing as happened. Then I am to cremate him- which means putting him in the toaster I think. Our toaster tends to be where we cremate most stuff. Then I can keep him in a pot near the fireplace. Which we don't have!! A fireplace- not a pot. I don't want ye all thinking we ain't even got a pot to pi*s in-or put bodies in. I told him I will take a bit of him in a little bag where-ever I go so he is always with me if he likes. I haven't decided which bit yet. Then I told him that I want a big funeral, lots of weeping and sobbing. Everyone I know is to be there. There will be reading out of letters from me to everyone- yep even the arseholes. I will tell them all straight so I will. Then I want my favourite songs- The fair's moving on by Elvis and The Comedians by Roy Orbison. With a bit of Robbie Williams thrown in. Then I want salmon on cobs like me ol' mother-in-law would have done it. With a bit of cucumber. And loads of cake. I want someone to do Wrecking Ball and a bit of twerking and I would like someone to whip me nae nae. Then I want to be a tree. I deffo want to be a tree. So, there we are, laid there before we go to sleep talking funerals. Well mine, cos he don't want one remember? Then he says 'I think ye needs a therapist me little pumpkin'. Me need a therapist? He's the one that don't be wanting a funeral. So I finally agreed to a therapist. We are currently deciding whether a therapist should sleep in my bed or have his own room. Well I am discussing it. Mines Mr Husband seems to be a little shy of the idea! I don't know why- he suggested the feckin therapist in the first place!

Up yours and mine Updates and Good news

Well its good news. Just rang mines mother. I am who I am. I do exist. She reckons she was there when I was born and she can remember it. So up yours Mr Tax Man. Also said I won't be needing bathmats in the Seychelles because I can dip in the sea and come out and stand on the nice warm sand. Yay. Tis all good. Also two texts from my son and my daughter to send love-on a roll now. Having a singalong with Elvis and Beth

Up Yours And Mine Also...............

Well it been a funny ol' few days. According to the Inland Revenue I do not exist. (I know there are some who wish that- but we don't talk about them!) They sent me a form for immigrants to fill in! What a load of Iffle Piffle whatsit thingymajig that is. The woman at the council said they could fine me, imprison me or deport me!!! I am opting for deportation- I am going to come clean with them and tell them that I have come here illegally from the Seychelles and just hope that they deport me there. I have always fancied going to the Seychelles. Before I moved I found the original piece of paper they sent me when I was 15 yrs 9m with my NI number on it. The one I have used all my feckin life. Mines Mr Husband said 'Keep it safe'. I laughed. 'I have kept it all these years safe' I tells him. 'I don't think it be will unsafe now. I will just put it back in the same safe place'. And I did. And now I hear ye all asking 'where is the safe place?'. Well that be what I am going to ask ye lot. Any of ye know? Cos I sure as hell can't remember. I have turned this house upside down. On top of that I have a whole lot of stupid questions to answer- like all the places I have lived and worked (with dates). Well good luck to IR with getting that out of me. I am damned if I can remember. Also two questions (in this order)that are truly iffle piffle designed to baffle! It worked.

Details of first marriage:

Details of Previous marriage:

Now I am no Carol Vorderman- details of first marriage I can do- and even of the second but the previous one before the first one? Who are these people who write these feckin forms?? I got a feckin headache I have from all the stuff going round in me head. And I filled it in wrong because I cannot for the life of me work it out. I am going to write them one of my long letters. I might pop in a little advert for me new book. And to top it all I have to pack to go to the Seychelles. Wonder if I should pack bath mats?

Also this weekend the Cranbrook newspaper thingy has arrived. Pictures of the pumpkin party that I got ejected from all over the thing. Not one picture of the only person who turned up as a pumpkin- ok naked painted orange with a light bulb shoved up me arse (that was Mines Mr Husbands bright idea- his little contribution- he said I have a little contribution to shove up yer backside- t'was worrying to say the least- then he produced the light bulb. I know what ye are thinking- but t'was ok- t'was an alogen bulb and eco friendly and stuff). Anyways I am disappointed to see that I wasn't even mentioned let alone photographed so I have to write to the editor and get this sorted. Hopefully I will be in next months paper. I think I should at least get a mention all the effort we went to. I still got orange paint in some of me cracks.

The car passed the MOT - only one little light bulb needed. Cost us £1, and then £12 to fit it. I said to mines Mr Husband- 'I have a left over alogen bulb yer ye could have used. Still plenty of use in that- was only used for a pumpkin party'. He could have saved us a £1. Anyways that's hims happy for another year.

Mines Mr Husband hasn't been well of late. He has been seeing the Doctor. This week she took one look at me and then told him she knows what is wrong with him. 'Mr Husband- ye are depressed and stressed and anxious'. I kid ye not that's what she said!! She wants him to join a group. He says he will. (Think tis a ploy to have a break from me). I can't think of a worse group to join than one thats full of stressed and anxious and depressed people. I says to Mines Mr Husband 'don't ye be wasting time on that- if ye wants to be in a room full of people like that I will take ye to one of our family gatherings'. Now he really is anxious.

Well enjoy ye Sunday folks or whatever day tis in your part of the world. If ye are having a birthday have a drink for me and send me the cake.x

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................