Doris, Sunbeams and Badgerheads

Have you ever wondered what Beth is like first thing? If ye don’t need to wonder are ye a fecking stalker or what?

PART 1. Opens one eye. (Other still stuck to the pillow). Then tries to move. Can’t feel one leg. Starts wondering where other leg is. Still can’t feel other leg. Starts to panic ‘Oh no, my leg is gone, I can’t feel me fecking leg, where’s me leg- HELP!- Me leg has been stolen . Or eaten.’ Tries to sit up- opens other eye. Pulls self forward.  Leg definitely gone. More panicking. How will mines muvver and mines favver feel to know that their only daughter didn’t look after legs and managed to lose one In her sleep?  Pulls forward a bit more.  Relief- finds leg over the side of the bed freezing cold.  Thanks god that the crocodile infested waters that obviously surrounds bed in the dark didn’t eat said leg. Drags leg back into bed to get it warm. Puts electric blanket on and spies the mometer thingy is 26 degrees in the shade of the bookcase! Goes back to sleep.

PART 2. Wakes up boiling arse off and having a hot flush. Gets of out of bed to check to see if Doris across back is up. If Doris is up this means the world didn’t end in the night. If she isn’t this means it is either not yet 7am (check clock)- or if it is past 7am Doris is dead. If It’s not yet 7am she could still be dead but not to panic. I don’t hold Doris’s insurance documents. Then wonders if it is time for mines Mr Husband to be up.  Checks clock. If it is past 7.20am wonder where cuppa tea has got to. If no sign of movement is Mr Husband dead? Leave it for another ten minutes. Spend twenty minutes wondering where Insurance documents are in case he is dead. Research prices of camper vans. Turn off electric blanket and go back to sleep.

PART3. Wake up with squidgy head. Start unnecessary worrying about random shit. How do people in Wellington shop? Are there shops in Wellington? (Somerset, not New Zealand). Do armadillos have weetabix or cornflakes for breakfast?  What happened in Love Island last night? (Not really- do you really think I watch that shite?) How many types of gin are there? Should I learn to play the piano today or the trumpet?  Cue a few odd lyrics from Elvis and Abba songs and a verse of Jesus wants me for a sunbeam and remember my Uncle used to call his wife Badgerhead. And where the feck is that cuppa tea? Wonder if Doris is up yet!

So now you know- pretty much standard waking up for everyone? Yes?

Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!

Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Have Summer Somehere Else! Please!!

Well I have done tips for loneliness and rules for mines Mr Husbands playground (or work place as he likes to call it), now its time for one for mines neighbours. Tis this:

Now the summer is here neighbours please remember you are NOT the only ones who live here so please be considerate and have summer somewhere else!

If you simply think you cannot- think again- nothing is impossible with a little effort. When you are here please:

DO NOT leave your darling mutts out in the heat all day and all evening and all night to whine and whine and bark and bark. Every fecker and his fanny on this estate has a mutt- its like living in the middle of a large kennels. I love mutts the same as the next man but I hate to wake up and go to sleep to their barking and whining. Stop yelling at it to shut up and do something with it. Take it inside in the cool. Give it a drink. Take it for a walk. Don't torment it. And when you take it for a walk- keep it off the grass. As if having it barking all day isn't enough you don't need it high as well. And don't let it shit on our gardens.

DO NOT let your kids out to play if they are going to scream and yell and shout; kick a ball at a wall for hours on end (This is not playing- this is boredom only with a ball!) Keep the little shites inside and give them a games machine and some junk food. Keep the little feckers fat and quiet. Children should be seen and not heard!

DO NOT smoke us all out with your never ending acrid barbecue shit. Don't ye know that burned food is full of carcigens  and they can kill you. Disgusting way to treat your neighbours. And no I don't want to be invited. I am fussy what goes in my mouth. I like a good quality bit of sausage, tenderly cared for! I also like my freshly done washing to stay that way. Take your barbecues and shove them where the sun DON'T shine.

DO NOT Show us your Pussies. Please keep your pussies out of sight of my water gun and don't think if they come and do their stuff in my flower pots I won't spray the little feckers cos I will. I have already got half the pussies round here licked now.

 DO NOT Ignore your bushes. Please trim and prune your bushes regularly. No one wants to look out of the window and see unruly bushes through their long lens. No siree.

DO NOT frequent places I am trying to escape to from you. Please don't go to the country park when I am there trying to observe and photograph nature. Ye all makes a noise and tis quite unnecessary. The rest of us go to enjoy the peace and quiet. Ye can have a good time at the park without shouting at each other or letting the rest of the world know that you are ON YOUR MOBILE. We don't care about your auntie Ivy and her never ending incontinence or Uncle Fred's boil on his bum or your indeed your latest bedroom conquest. We don't honest. We want tranquillity. If you are going to the park- leave the feckin phone at home!! It won't kill you.

DO NOT cut the grass every five minutes unless you are male, hot, hunky and gorgeous- then please go ahead but remember to strip first!

DO NOT get my dander up. You won't like me when I am angry. I shall set mines little sisters on you. Truth.

Please enjoy your summer- but do it somewhere else.!

Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................

Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.

Naked Eclipse, Smacking Cute Arses and Loo Rolls

Saturday Night - I know it's late but I am treating the neighbours to a little 'welcome home Beth sing-along with Beth and Elvis' with head phones cos tis their favourite. Mines Mr Husband is treating the neighbours out the back to a little 'Steven welcome home 'snore, cough and sneeze along with Steve' without headphones. Soooo good to be back in our own beds and sharing stuff with the neighbours. I bet they don't even appreciate how feckin good and caring we are to them.

Sunday - Tonight is a bloody moon and an eclipse- so I am ready yet again. Colander at the ready and knife in case I need to sacrifice anyone (apparently that's what we were supposed to do at the last one- don't hurt to be prepared is what I say)!

Monday Evening -Well I think T'was very nice that moony thingy last night/this morning at a most unsociable hour. Seemed like I was the only one in this road to be out in me bedtime attire- and before ye asks- well yes I do only wear fluffy socks to bed and nothing else. Of course I didn't go out into the moonlight in just be fluffy socks. What do ye take me for? I had me colander on as well although to be honest I did strain me eyes a bit. Not only did it seem like I was the only one out in the road at this ungodly hour to partake of the spectacle 'not coming round again for many years eclipse' I was the only one out there. I stood in the middle of the road and didn't get knocked down even- that's how alone I was. T'was very nipply out there. Not well today. Think I caught a chill. So here I be, tucked up in bed, browsing for birthday gifts for mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion). I could have got something last week but I was told the world would end today and I didn't wanna waste me money. I am also having a very croaky sing-along with Beth and Elvis (cos me throat is sore) so extra special treat for me neighbours. I think they must be cold tonight cos they have shut the Windows. But I will just sing louder and croakier.

Tuesday- All the way home from Tesco mines Mr Husband was asking me 'Why? Why did you have to do it? Why is all I ask!' That's how he went. 'Oh feckin alright' (I was fed up of his asking now)- ' I did it because he was hunky and had a cute arse and was bent over in front of me and I couldn't resist'. He wasn't going to let me get away with that. 'But for god's damn sake woman- he was the manager and ye should not slap the managers arse no matter how tempted you are'. I argued my case 'Well I couldn't see his face- just that feckin cute arse. People really shouldn't bend over in front of me'. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said ' And what about that woman? Why? Why do you have to go and throw your arms around her and say 'It's really lovely to see you working in here'- she looked feckin terrified'. 'Ah that's easy to answer as well', I said 'It is Kathy my friend'. He tutted and sighed. 'I keep telling you, tis NOT Kathy'. 'Well she looks like Kathy' I said ' I am sure that Kathy is leading a double life'. He looked a bit frustrated if ye ask me. 'She banged her when she fell to the ground- she thought you was mugging her- its a good job I was with you and told her you hadn't had your medication yet. Ye would be locked up again ye would'. Then he shakes his head and says 'I am not taking ye shopping not no more- in future ye shall give me a list and ye can stay at home and stop showing me up'. Anyways I don't care I don't like shopping. Ye do ye best to bring a bit of spice into the life of a supermarket and all ye get is 'don't do this, don't that, don't sit in the ice cream section of the freezers to cool yeself off with no clothes on, don't be twerking, don't be telling the woman on the till that ye are going naked pole dancing after with a traffic warden'. I give up!

Thursday- Yesterday was a good day- Mines Mr Husband bought me Roy Orbison Black and White Night- being trying to get that for ages. He said 'I seen that on your Amazon wish list'. Personally I think I am lucky he got that because on that list is a toilet roll holder, paper toilet seat covers and a bulk buy pack of loo rolls- (you see a theme there emerging don't ye?). I also managed to buy five mirrors for her with bump next doors pussy- it is a bit out of control to say the least. I am now hoping it will bring some control back in it's life.  Also got a free air freshener at the car wash- Mines Mr husband said yer put that in yer drawers-now I am walking a bit funny but I smell nice. Today's top tip from Beth's world of top tips is this - no matter what your problems everything is only temporary and it shall pass. Yesterday was temporary and it passed. Today is temporary and it too shall pass. Tomorrow will be temporary and it shall too pass. Everything is temporary- apart from Bruce Forsyth. Looks like we are stuck with him.

Ye will notice I missed Wednesday out because that's how I roll some weeks- I miss out complete days just for the sheer hell of it. Although I was in a rebellious mood and I did put a teabag in the wrong bin. And even worse than that I don't even care!

Catch yous all laters me ol' babbers. Have a good day.

What type of Pussy is yours Madam? and Down on all Fours!

Tis quite quiet round ye know. I think all the kids in the neighbourhood are off with all their fathers and sperm donors for the summer holidays. Ye haven't heard me rave about the neighbours much yet. Well apart from Chloe and Daddy and his brats two doors down. And ye I did mention she next door at 19 - the ironing board shaped one with nice shaped bottom. The other night I heard someone running down our stairs at 4am. I mentioned this to mines Mr Husband. He said it wasn't him. He was tucked up in his little bed. He suggested it may have been one of the neighbours- perhaps her next door- the ironing board shaped one with the nice shaped bottom. I would like to know why she was running down OUR stairs at 4am in the morning. I may have to have words with her. She could be a little more quiet going down our stairs at such an ungodly hour. Also I may have mentioned the skinny bitches over the road and their penchant for jogging which seems to have stopped since I growled at them when I was having a little stroll around the block one morning. Don't trust skinny people who jog and don't eat cake. Over there also are Porky and Mess who are more Pork pie and Cake shaped and most certainly wouldn't let a dirty word like 'jogging' pass their lips- no room to let it- everything else is busy passing through their lips. Also they like Pizza- big ones. And they like soft loo rolls. I know this because I seen them take some in with the shopping. I always wondered what kind of people ate soft loo rolls. Such people do exist! Google it. I thought she had a scruffy ginger pussy and then I thought she had an altogether much neater black one- but I seen Porky refusing it at the entrance the other day so I am not sure which pussy is hers. Or even if she has one! Oe-er, all these pussies must belong somewhere. I have yet to encounter Jamie, wife and bump next door. I have seen the back of her (skinny bitch) and her bump- she has a very unkempt black and white pussy. But as I have said before- bitches with bumps just don't be having the time or inclination to be keeping thems pussies neat. They can't see much below thems bumps and even if an unkempt pussy winds itself around your legs you can only feel it and not necessarily see it. I trust when bump has arrived pussy will get some attention if it is lucky. I have  glimpsed him (Jamie) as he went by in the car. He has a beard and an elbow. She at number 25 has new windows. Over back in t'social housing - the cake shaped woman that squeezes into a bright yellow dress and has dyed red hair- well I haven't seen them for ages. That trampoline will be rusty soon. I may have to go over and just have a bounce or two so I can see through windows to see what is going on. On corner, up yonder, in big house she got a lot of kids. They be all different-like the league of feckin nations. Usually her kids can be seen playing in middle of road- the sort that stand and stare at you like you have no business driving your car in the road where they are playing quite happily. How very dare we? Saturdays is quiet when a whole load of dads line up on the path to collect his child. Or even someone else's - who even knows? We like Saturdays -at least we can drive confidently down the road without fear of a little urchin lurching itself out in front of us and giving us the evil eye. On this corner here a little yappy dog seems to be the sole inhabitant of the house. No-one goes in and no-one comes out. The little dog yaps and yaps. No-one goes in and no-one comes out. No wonder for that little dog's yapping gets right on ye tits. But fear ye not friends for I shall continue to watch and make notes. But I leave ye with one of me tips because I want to be going out now to buy some pink grass:

Tip of the night- I say night- 6.45am is the middle of the night for me- don't go knocking over a glass of bitter lemon juice off ye bedside when he husband sneaks into ye for a cuddle. Why? (No- not why did he he sneak in for cuddle- he always be doing that)- but why not knock a glass of bitter lemon juice off ye bedside? Cos it makes a feckin mess I tell ye. Ye give the landlord sticky patches in places he didn't know he had places. Also Ye gets yeself sticky drawers and knobs and cracks. 6.45am I was naked (all bar one fluffy bed sock) down on me hands and knees, arse (cute) in the air, with soapy water and sponge trying to clean sticky patches off carpet and off drawers and Knobs and Cracks!! Then I says to mines Mr Husband who was running round naked like a headless chicken- 'I think I shall get a rug down yer'- and he said 'just don't be trimming for a week me little fruitcake'. I inhaled his remark and repeated ' I think I shall get a rug down yer'- and he said 'that won't be all ye shall be getting if ye staying in that position for much longer- ye shall be getting a stiff neck'. Ye see guys what I have to put up with- he be wicked!

 

Sliding down the trunk and filling the pussies.

I have been very busy. We had mines Mr Husbands little child down for the week. The six foot two one. The six foot two child - not week. That would just be silly. We didn't really know what to do with him. He wanted to see the local sights. I misunderstood this and mines Mr Husband made me put mines clothes back on - again. Three times he made me put mines clothes back on. So I said I could take him round the social housing part of the estate- there be some sights for sore eyes on there but mines Mr Husband said that he didn't want him traumatised so we decided to take him to the zoo. It be a heck of trek for mines poor body but I have a nifty mobile walker thingy that mines father gave me. So T'was not all lost. Plus I did want to see if I could get mines self a penguin to go with mines snow leopards and wonkey donkeys. I packed an empty bag and a tin of 'lure a penguin tuna' so I could sneak one in. Mines Mr Husband drove us and took us on a detour first of all and we became slightly geographically misplaced for a short while. I didn't ever thinks we would ever get there at this rate. In fact we didn't think we would get there for a few days. There were ever so many tantrummy, screamy, naughty step brats at the zoo who have all spent their short lives being super nanny disciplined. (To no real effect it seems at all). They was really getting on my tits and under mines feet. I clipped one round the ear as often as I could. Well not the same one. That just would have been cruel. Just random ones as they ran by screaming. 'Screaming is no place for a zoo, and the zoo is no place for children' I told them. I thought it would be a good idea to feed these brats to the big cats. As it happens it is frowned upon by society to feed the little darlings to the big cats. Did ye know that? Neither did I until this week. But I Tell ye what there was a few satisfied looking pussies at the zoo that day by the time I had finished. I even think some of the mothers looked quite pleased. And one even patted me on the back. Bit too hard and over enthusiastic if ye ask me. I nearly choked on me ice-cream. On reflection maybe she wasn't so pleased as I thought. Just can't tell with people can ye? I also had some fun sliding down the elephants trunk. Then I spotted the wrecking ball in the Elephants garden and that was when it all kicked off really because you know me and wrecking balls. Move over Miley. The clothes came off, my singing voice kicked it and the wrecking ball was going like a good un'. Although it has to be said that chain could have done with a clean- I now have rusty coloured chafing between my thighs. A crowd had gathered. Apparently that was not the kind of entertainment that they had lined up for that day but that was what I gave them. They had been waiting for a talk by all accounts about elephants and conversation. So every now and then between singing me song I would shout out random things like 'Look an elephant', or 'The elephant has a slippery trunk'. I even sang Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk in between verses of Wrecking Ball. Mines Mr Husband and his little child of six foot two, who was by now getting quite traumatised (because he dropped his phone in the crowd with all the excitement and he was afraid he may miss a text), tried to coax me back out of the elephant enclosure with buns. 'I will not be tempted' I cried throwing them to the elephant. 'I will need considerably bigger buns- with icing and cherries'. In the end I was tempted down with a rum and coke and a big bar of chocolate and picture of Johnny Depp Naked. Also I was made to put mines clothes back on. Pity really cos I was just getting warmed up! We were only allowed to stay because mines Mr Husband pleaded with the keepers to think of his little six foot two child who had been looking forward to a day out at the zoo with his daddy for 29 years. 'Don't break my little child's heart please' he pleaded. They let us stay on the condition that he kept a very close eye on me and give me medication again.! Cheek of it. Fifty feckin something I am. I thought I was doing the zoo a favour so I did. Bit of entertainment for the troops. Free entertainment at that. I managed to get all the way round without too much trouble. I was able to have a swing with the orang-utans without getting noticed- thank feck for orange cardigans at George that's what I say. I managed to sneak in a ride on a zebra by removing all mines clothes again. I sunbathed naked under a palm tree last week in Torquay and got stripy sunburn so I fitted in quite nicely with the Zebras. Then I had a ride on a ostrich. T'was nice and fluffy on my much chafed inner thighs. All the time Mines Mr Husband and his little child was too busy and Mines Mr Husband really failed the zoo keepers badly by taking his eye off the ball but I kept mine on his. I curled up and had a nap in the shadow of the giant tortoise - he had barely moved in an hour so I wasn't noticed. Well I almost got discovered by a small brat. 'Ooh look that tortoise is orange'- I heard the brat say. 'That's because that's the colour of mines feckin' cardigan you little eejit', I snarled at him. He cried. He was lucky the pussy in yonder enclosure was full.

I couldn't get a penguin because they didn't have any. What kind of a feckin zoo don't be having a penguin or two? But to my credit I did manage to procure mineself a pelican (nearly the same thing- it goes in water, eats fish and begins with a P), two meerkats, (although I did have to buy a considerable amount of insurance from them first)  and a crocodile - which I let loose first in the gift shop so that I wouldn't need to feed him for a few weeks. Also got meself a talking telescope so now I always have someone to talk to at home. Now I am definitely banned from that zoo but it be ok because mine own zoo is coming along very nicely and mines Mr Husband has been busy putting up nice secure fencing to stop would be crocodile thieves.  There be criminals on this estate- I read it in the papers.