Dirty Gertie, Slack Alice and the Bee Hive

Well me mate Theresa was calling by yesterday to go shoe shopping. Only she changed her mind at the last minute. Something about an election or something. I was at a loose end when Dirty Gertie called. Do ye remember me mate Dirty Gertie? Yeah that's the one. The one with the Vajazzle. Yes- the one who had the infection. Dirty minger hers is. Well she called me yesterday. She wanted me to go to the beauty salon place. I said 'they ain't feckin miracle workers ye knows'. Anyways she said she was going for that new treatment I was talking about. You know- the wasp nest up the nunny. Apparently her fancy man Trevor wanted her to go. Yep thats right hers got a fancy man. Met him up 'Grab a Granny' night up the bingo. He got funny eyes- they always be looking both ways for Wednesday. He also got a limp. An old war wound he says. He wasn't even born in the war. He just a lazy shite. He and Dirty Gertie been rowing cos she wants him to have his tattoos on his knuckles removed. 'I love me mam' it says. But he said he wouldn't be unfaithful to his mam for no woman so instead he painted I love Gertie on his Robin Reliant. He got I LOV down one side and E G on the front and R A T down the other side and two big X X on the back.  He dyslexic as well. Then on the bonnet he tried to paint a union Jack to show his loyalty to the King and Crown, (thats the pub- not the Royal Family) but he smudged it and then he tried to wipe it off with spit. He be a dirty fecker. Then he wiped it with his sleeve. Tis a right ol mess now- and the bonnet. Plus he only had blue paint. No red and no white. Still Gertie loves him. He sits on her balcony (up the tower block up town where she lives) swigging cider and vapourizing (all the rage now) singing along with the spice girls. I can't even repeat what he said he wouldn't like to do that Posh Spice on Friday night and a Saturday morning. 'Pure Heaven' is how Gertie gushes over him. Anyways she came round yesterday and she says that Trev wants her to go and have her Slack Alice tightened and she also heard about this Wasp nest up the slack Alice and wanted me to take her up the beauty salon. So I am a good friend so I did.

She was only in there a few minutes when she let out an almighty scream. She come out- she could hardly walk. I said 'ooooo, did it sting a bit'. She said 'no- they said they didn't have a wasp nest big enough'. Oooo-er. Dirty Gertie. Slack Alice or What!! Anyways she said 'I had to have an alternative'. Yep- tis true- I could see the legs of the beehive sticking out the legs of her drawers. Good job Winnie the Pooh lives so far away is what I say. Had to put her upside in the car to get her home. Good job I got a topless car is what she say!! She say- Trevor hasn't been home all night. He has an allergy to bees apparently. Guess that's another romance over before it Bee Gun.

Recycling, Nunny balancing and Wasp Nests!

 Been wondering where I been at for two weeks- being adventerous and what not as usual. Here's the latest round up for me fans. I did lose a follower in the week. Bit careless but I think it was the spy from the Russian BFG so all is good!

Friday: We are having new recycling thingy here. We will be allowed to recycle cardboard at last. We have nice big bags issued. Its says put your address on it- gives you a space even. Then it says wash and squash. Mines Mr Husband says 'are you putting the address on it'. 'Too feckin right' I says. I know what they are like round here. I will be conscientious (ooo-er looking me using big words), and I will be washing and squashing and squashing and washing and thems dirty fecker round yer won't be washing and squashing. Then when thems bags are all dirty and stinky they will be swapping for mine- washed and squashed, squashed and washed'. He thinks it won't happen but I remind him of Wheelie Bin Gate- Our bin was stolen from under his nose! Thats why we take it turns of a night to sit outside and guard the new bin! I don't want the same scenario with my new conscientiously (oooo-er twice now) washed and squashed bag! No siree!!

Sunday: I been up the Tesco today already. All the neighbours still sleeping. 'Why, Beth, on a Saturday, on Beths naked, dancing and sing-a-long with Elvis day are ye at Tescos?' I hear ye all ask. Well tis true I gives it a wide berth on a Saturday. Tis usually too peoply but Mr Husband needs food for his shift. He is actually covering this month for Fat Slimy Git who steals other peoples promotions! He is holidaying in Africa. I hope he gets too close to something hungry. A hippo or something. And talk about rubbing salt and pepper and vinegar and tomato sauce into the wound!! Mr Husband will do it though cos he does as he is told. Mostly. Anyways they don't expect me on a Saturday up there. I am glad I went now. They was playing 'Wrecking Ball'. And you know what that means guys. It means strip off and grab the nearest space hopper. So I did. I had soooo much fun. I got off with a caution! Not off  the space hopper- off the public disorder fence. I caught them right off guard this time. Then, my friend from the Toy Cupboard Kathy was operating at the checkout. She said 'I am not your friend Kathy- stop grabbing me and kissing me- my name is Trudi'. She pointed to her badge. To be fair it did say Trudi but that can be anybodys badge. Namely Trudi's.  I worked in morrisons. I used to borrow Bens badge. You just gotta have a badge on. So I think Kathy just borrowed Trudi's badge to throw me off the scent. Then she tried to throw me off the scent by talking to me about her ironing. I thought- 'hmmm- this don't sound like Kathy'. Then she said she hated ironing. That just convinced me it was Kathy. She told me her husband goes to work naked. Well what she said was he didn't wear shirts. So I think he goes naked. She also said she need  her chair higher cos she is short ass. Then I knew for definite it was Kathy. I still hugged her before Mr Husband dragged me out the shop. I am not allowed to go to her checkout again. Insert sad face here.

 

 Monday:So Gwyneth Paltrow is into putting rocks in her noo noo to balance her chakras and help her meditate. In my book this is no no. With my bulldog grip this means sudden release I have killed half a dozen passers-by, four cats and a budgie. And knocked a policemans hat off. Also messes with your Ying and Yang someat chronic.The other latest craze I hear is to insert a wasps nests into your noo noo (although it does burn for a while apparently) to tighten it up. Well the very thoughts of it makes me do that. Please don't try it home. No- do it in the open air in the country side where no one can hear you scream!!! I am no Doctor Christian but what I say is Pelvic floor exercises all the way ladies- as per my advertisement on 'This Morning' show. SAY NO TO ROCKS AND WASPS NESTS!!!

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband and I been discussing our wills and stuff. We do from time to time. A little review because we are happy to talk about death and stuff. We are also sensible. I also get anxious about being left alone and no way of surviving. Anyways turns out he is worth more dead than alive. Tis true. On an entirely un-related subjected how many ways are there to dispose of a corpse?

 TUESDAY: Me, Bob and Elvis been for a little adventure on our own. We found the garden centre. I was so excited to have actually found it I nearly drove right out again. Also nearly peed my pants with excitement. But having no spare ones with me decided against it. However, coming home Bob got me and Elvis lost and we went goodness knows where and to be honest I thought Bobs driving was a bit erratic and left a bit to be desired. He even clipped the kerb coming out of the garden centre and nearly tipped us up. Good job we didn't go topless. He has now parked very wonky on the drive. I think thats enough excitement for one day!! Poor old Elvis is all shook up!

Wednesday: WD40 was cheap in Tesco for a massive tin. So I said to mines Mr Husband 'buy one, tis good fer yer nuts when they go rusty'. So he bought one. At the checkout the good looking young man who was checkout operating my shopping looked at it. I said 'tis good value and tis good for yer rusty nuts'. He said he didn't have rusty nuts. I said 'Let me check'. That was all I said - well and I did get behind the conveyer with him. And I may have been a bit too much hands on. Anyways thats me not allowed in Tesco again!

Mines Mr Husband said to me 'Why have you got this big pack of sausages out my little pickle'. He can be a nosy fecker. 'Cos I am doing Cock o van for tea'. He said 'what, with sausages?'. I said 'Duh- Cock- tis the nearest thing I can find that's similar'. Honestly no imagination when cooking that man. (Especially since I banned Worcester Sauce- read the booky peoples).

Oh I did panick this morning when I looked in the mirror -'OMFG'- I cried in distress- 'My face is swollen over night'. Mines Mr Husband comes running. 'No, pickle' he said- 'You have the magnify mirror there- turn it over'. Phew! Thank feck for that. I thought someone had pumped me up whilst I had been asleep.

Tursday: When we was in Cornwall mines Mr Husband said 'Look a shop just selling Ice cream. Would you like one?' I never pass the opportunity by to have one. No not me. Or an Ice cream. He said 'look, 31 flavours fresh from Marshfield Farm' it says. 'Which one do you like'. Well I says 'Not, the freshly made Hay, or the Cow Pat or the Pig Swill'.  I settled for Black Cherry. Who knew Black Cherry was a farm flavour?

We went on the Ferry when we was in Cornwall- to get from one side to other. I said to Mines Mr Husband 'Wasn't I a good girl? I wasn't sick, or panicky and I didn't pee me pants'- he said 'Well to be fair there wasn't time, we was only on two minutes. It's called Roll on, Roll off'. I told him -hmmm- I have had men like that. I didn't know it applied to ferrys as well. You lives and learns so you do.

Time for a Beths hot top tit. If ye are menopausal (I am don't ya know)- or a hot man even, I can highly recommend a convertible (Car that is not man- although given the right one..............). Top off,  bombing along the motorway at high speed (no more than 70 of course- what kinda law breaker do ya think I am?) and having a sing- along with Elvis. Can't beat it for cooling yer hot bits down!