Chips, Cake and Space Ships

That was an eventful couple of hours at the seaside tonight. First of all I seen a man walking a bit funny. 'Have ye had an unfortunate accident in yer under crackers?' I asked him. 'WTF?' he said - 'Well' I says to him, ye are walking a bit funny. Turns out his under crackers were a bit too tight. When we had a look he had his wife's on. Mmmm................Less said. Then we was walking along the seafront and someone said of mines Mr Husband 'He looks a bit chubby don't ye'. Well I seen red. I put me hands on me hips (took them off me walker I did) and I give him a Paddington hard stare so I did. 'Who you calling chubby, lard arse?' I asked him. (Menacingly I might add). He was a bit sheepish then he was. He said he hadn't called anyone chubby. Infact he swears blind he said, of the sea, 'He looks a bit choppy don't ye'. Well I do have a bit of trouble with mines ears these days so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 'Well I said to him, I will let thee off this time, but don't let it happen again'. Then there was the pregnant woman. I am aware of being sensitive and sometimes ye can ask one if she is pregnant and she ain't and she gets offended. So I tried a more sensitive approach. 'Who ate all the cakes and pies then?' I asked rubbing her belly. 'Ye needs to get that shifted- ye wants a join slimmers anonymouths or something'. That was when the fight started. Anyways turns out she was pregnant. Whoops! Then when was having tea two yobs walked near us and both spat- one on the ground and one over sea wall. I hate that. Swallow don't spit is my motto. Well me mothers really. Except she learnt it too late for six for us. Anyways I grabbed one and rubbed his nose in it  and told him he were a dirty git. I watched me mother do that to the cat. Not when he spit but when he shit in the chair behind her cushion. The other, well over the sea wall could have landed anywhere. As it happened it landed on seagull and he flew off. I noticed his trousies were half mast. The yob, not the seagull. Seagulls don't wear trousies. I hate that as well. Trousies half mast. Not the fact the seagulls don't wear them. Scuffy little fart. The Yob not the seagull. Nobody wanted to see his incredible hulk undercrackers. So I pulled them up hard, gave him a wedgie till he screamed then pushed him over the seawall. Then I chucked chips on him. He was lucky mines Mr Husband hadn't pissed on them cos he is always pissing on my chips. Wasn't all bad to be honest. I saw a space ship on the beach over yonder and the loch ness monster tethered up in the local pub. He has followed me home.

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................

Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.

Sliding down the trunk and filling the pussies.

I have been very busy. We had mines Mr Husbands little child down for the week. The six foot two one. The six foot two child - not week. That would just be silly. We didn't really know what to do with him. He wanted to see the local sights. I misunderstood this and mines Mr Husband made me put mines clothes back on - again. Three times he made me put mines clothes back on. So I said I could take him round the social housing part of the estate- there be some sights for sore eyes on there but mines Mr Husband said that he didn't want him traumatised so we decided to take him to the zoo. It be a heck of trek for mines poor body but I have a nifty mobile walker thingy that mines father gave me. So T'was not all lost. Plus I did want to see if I could get mines self a penguin to go with mines snow leopards and wonkey donkeys. I packed an empty bag and a tin of 'lure a penguin tuna' so I could sneak one in. Mines Mr Husband drove us and took us on a detour first of all and we became slightly geographically misplaced for a short while. I didn't ever thinks we would ever get there at this rate. In fact we didn't think we would get there for a few days. There were ever so many tantrummy, screamy, naughty step brats at the zoo who have all spent their short lives being super nanny disciplined. (To no real effect it seems at all). They was really getting on my tits and under mines feet. I clipped one round the ear as often as I could. Well not the same one. That just would have been cruel. Just random ones as they ran by screaming. 'Screaming is no place for a zoo, and the zoo is no place for children' I told them. I thought it would be a good idea to feed these brats to the big cats. As it happens it is frowned upon by society to feed the little darlings to the big cats. Did ye know that? Neither did I until this week. But I Tell ye what there was a few satisfied looking pussies at the zoo that day by the time I had finished. I even think some of the mothers looked quite pleased. And one even patted me on the back. Bit too hard and over enthusiastic if ye ask me. I nearly choked on me ice-cream. On reflection maybe she wasn't so pleased as I thought. Just can't tell with people can ye? I also had some fun sliding down the elephants trunk. Then I spotted the wrecking ball in the Elephants garden and that was when it all kicked off really because you know me and wrecking balls. Move over Miley. The clothes came off, my singing voice kicked it and the wrecking ball was going like a good un'. Although it has to be said that chain could have done with a clean- I now have rusty coloured chafing between my thighs. A crowd had gathered. Apparently that was not the kind of entertainment that they had lined up for that day but that was what I gave them. They had been waiting for a talk by all accounts about elephants and conversation. So every now and then between singing me song I would shout out random things like 'Look an elephant', or 'The elephant has a slippery trunk'. I even sang Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk in between verses of Wrecking Ball. Mines Mr Husband and his little child of six foot two, who was by now getting quite traumatised (because he dropped his phone in the crowd with all the excitement and he was afraid he may miss a text), tried to coax me back out of the elephant enclosure with buns. 'I will not be tempted' I cried throwing them to the elephant. 'I will need considerably bigger buns- with icing and cherries'. In the end I was tempted down with a rum and coke and a big bar of chocolate and picture of Johnny Depp Naked. Also I was made to put mines clothes back on. Pity really cos I was just getting warmed up! We were only allowed to stay because mines Mr Husband pleaded with the keepers to think of his little six foot two child who had been looking forward to a day out at the zoo with his daddy for 29 years. 'Don't break my little child's heart please' he pleaded. They let us stay on the condition that he kept a very close eye on me and give me medication again.! Cheek of it. Fifty feckin something I am. I thought I was doing the zoo a favour so I did. Bit of entertainment for the troops. Free entertainment at that. I managed to get all the way round without too much trouble. I was able to have a swing with the orang-utans without getting noticed- thank feck for orange cardigans at George that's what I say. I managed to sneak in a ride on a zebra by removing all mines clothes again. I sunbathed naked under a palm tree last week in Torquay and got stripy sunburn so I fitted in quite nicely with the Zebras. Then I had a ride on a ostrich. T'was nice and fluffy on my much chafed inner thighs. All the time Mines Mr Husband and his little child was too busy and Mines Mr Husband really failed the zoo keepers badly by taking his eye off the ball but I kept mine on his. I curled up and had a nap in the shadow of the giant tortoise - he had barely moved in an hour so I wasn't noticed. Well I almost got discovered by a small brat. 'Ooh look that tortoise is orange'- I heard the brat say. 'That's because that's the colour of mines feckin' cardigan you little eejit', I snarled at him. He cried. He was lucky the pussy in yonder enclosure was full.

I couldn't get a penguin because they didn't have any. What kind of a feckin zoo don't be having a penguin or two? But to my credit I did manage to procure mineself a pelican (nearly the same thing- it goes in water, eats fish and begins with a P), two meerkats, (although I did have to buy a considerable amount of insurance from them first)  and a crocodile - which I let loose first in the gift shop so that I wouldn't need to feed him for a few weeks. Also got meself a talking telescope so now I always have someone to talk to at home. Now I am definitely banned from that zoo but it be ok because mine own zoo is coming along very nicely and mines Mr Husband has been busy putting up nice secure fencing to stop would be crocodile thieves.  There be criminals on this estate- I read it in the papers.

Lots of Pussies and winking at me tits

Well T'was a busy weekend this weekend preparing for our first proper visitor to the new house, mines step son. I was very busy I tell ye- so busy going round this house cleaning up I left smoke trails off me slippers. Then Finally when I went to bed I was able to relax and treat the new neighbours to a touch of one of me 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' nights. Also found this useful to work me arthritic hips out to. Early this morning I looked out yonder bedroom window to see many pussies gathered in the street out under our yonder window. Mines Mr Husband thinks this is due to the 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' night. The Neighbours didn't seem to keen on the idea- not the sing along it seems but the nude dancing. I argued with ye fella from three streets away- 'I am not nude- I have me bed socks and me solo beats on'. That be the only items needed for these 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' Nights. And don't ye know that music therapy is good for dementia sufferers- and I said to mines Mr Husband 'I will sing to ye- it be good therapy for ye dementia'. He denies he suffers with ye old dementia but he keeps saying 'we must go doctors about the dementia'. Well it ain't for me....'oooooh look a shiny thingy'.

Also this week mines Mr Husband has banned me from going to the chippy on me new exercise bike ever since I was fined for speeding. Also I am not allowed to jog because it is high impact and that is bad for arthritis in the hips and spine. The exception is being chased by the rapist or if the chippy is about to shut. Legit reasons.

Mines Mr Husbands son arrived duly and smells quite nice. I have notice young mans do smell nice quite often. I like the smell of young mans so much I am considering trading in mines Mr Husband for a nice smelling young mans.

We had a nice afternoon last week in the bush and I showed mines Mr Husband mine boobies. He said something about getting bare. At once I was stripped. He said 'What the feck are ye doing?' I was confused. 'Ye said to get naked' I told him. Apparently he didn't- or so he says. He reckons he said ' And don't be starting on about looking for ye bear down here in ye old bush today'. I was sure he said 'get bare and show me ye old boobies and bush'.

The pussy of her next door has been sprawled out all over my lawn this afternoon winking at mines tits and mines Mr Husband. I shall be keeping a close watch on that pussy I shall.

It be wet and windy round here today but I shall blame the liquorice and the peas.

Well I be off for a jog now again. Well a gentle stroll around ye old garden to the garage to sort the tumbled washing out.