Orgasms, Quality Sausages, Balls and Bushes

After reading yesterdays blog mines Mr Husband says he thinks I have learnt more than I am letting on so I had to have a think- I remember these things that I learned:

If ye are going to have a sausage- make sure it be good quality. Never have less than a bit of a good quality sausage.

Wearing socks to bed gives ye better orgasms. I wears nice thick fluffy socks all the time now- be prepared is what I say!

I learned if ye gets to close to the edge ye can get ye balls tangled in the bush. Not nice.

Ye can get away with many visits to Dunelm (whether ye needs new towels or not) if ye tells ye husband that tis fathers day again. I plead here with mines stepsons not to send anything for fathers day because he will then have an excuse not to go to Dunelm! And I will run out of excuses to go!

Tis mines Mr Husbands birthday very soon- Yay he be 55 (or so he says- I am never quite sure to believe him). Last years birthday I learned it matters not how long I spend or how many dead animals I collected for him he never be pleased with mines efforts. Next year he be getting 55 blow jobs. Well I be buying him 55 balloons. Same thing. And I am having cake.

And even today I have had a lesson- when ye removes a bowl of water from the sink to take out and wash away unknown creatures that be a cross between a slime and a squirm and won't die even with salt, make sure the tap don't get turned on by mistake. Why I hear ye cry? I tell ye- it be because ye floods yer feckin kitchen and ye haves to clean it all up and it takes a feckin age. I could have done with the super powers of mines little sister today to give me a hand with that! I be fair knackered now. On the plus side the kitchen is now nice and clean. Happy new feckin year!!

I

Keeping Ye Nipples out of Springs

Tis end of year. I not be doing sloppy stuff cos ye all knows how I feel about ye all. I loves ye all to the moon and back.

But ye knows I likes to recap on things learned by moi. No point in anything if ye don't learn anything from ye experiences.

Go on then Beth I hears ye all cry 'tell us what have ye learnt- we be dying to know'. Well I will tell ye!

I learned not to belch and fart at the same time- the hard way.

I learned if the tax man loses thee he can deport thee- even if ye don't come from abroad - so always have an exotic location in ye minds.

Tis always a good idea to take ye bath mats on ye holidays (few pictures and ornaments) and don't let ye husband see in ye suitcase or he will take 'em out. T'was how I ended without the shower curtain.

Always know where ye husband keeps the life insurance in case he gets stuck upon a feckin cliff on ye holidays.

I learnt to whip me nae nae- something else to add to my repertoire of entertainments beach walls, supermarkets and for parties (of which I don't go to many of- although I have been known to go to one or two un-invited if I have spied an open door).

People un-friend you if you voice strong opinions over jam sponge puddings- or even your hopes and dreams for yous kids.

T'is easy to have ye tits printed on coasters and even ye little bullfinches.

Ye can be taken just about anywhere with mines Mr Husband- twice on a railway track in one day even! (Although when he tied me there and told me to wait for a train I got a teeny weeny bit suspicious.)

I learned not all our new neighbours like Elvis. But it will grow on them.

I learned every family as at least one cockmuppet or one f*ck nugget. Sadly we seem to have many of both. Also it seems we have some who are still attention seeking past their age of 50 even! But we ignore them in the hope they go away.

I learned that Gary's are a dying breed. We don't wanna lose Gary's. So I have renamed all the kids on the estate Gary- even the girls. Especially the girls.

I learned that 'try before ye buy' doesn't apply to sun beds in Homebase- although mines Mr Husband said they probably wouldn't have minded quite so much if I hadn't insisted on stripping off. Still try again in 2016. God loves a trier.

I leaned not to let have Mines Mr Husband have the marker pen and packing tape when we are packing to move. He just runs amok with it. Tut tut tut.

I learned not to flash boobies at husband when he is in video conference with boss.

Tis simple enough mistake to mix up Jupiter with Uranus. Uranus is much smaller. Except hers across the road- ye know the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one- the one with the integrated bike rack.

Fitness pants do not make ye fitter!! Although tis good to get down on floor and do exercise cos ye can find lost chocolates and biscuits- even if bit dusty and damp still good for eating.

If ye doos 'The Cat' when ye doing Yogi ye can a) fall off back of sofa and b) ye can be arrested. Tis against the law to do ye cat- (but not ye sheep if ye are Welsh).

Stuffing a sofa when ye are naked is feckin hard work - ye haves to keep ye nipples away from the springs.

If ye haves a spoonful of cinnamon a day in a drink ye can lose weight. I haves mine in a nice glass of Baileys.

I learned Dreams do come true so keep followings thems feckers.

Finally I should, once again, thank all of ye who bought my book, and thank thems that actually read it, all of ye who have liked my status's and hit the 'follow' button- (mine that is). Those who follow me on blogspot and Google. And I want to thank mines lovely kids for loving me and mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe by her own admission) for keeping me fringe straight. Have a great 2016 and keep ye eye out for me new books and I have learned apparently tis easy to make a music CD in ye owns bedrooms now- so I am thinking me and Elvis here could even do that for ye all. Happy New Year.xxx

Balls, Twerking and Pickled Onions

I bet ye all be thinking that Beth is being quiet. I bet ye be all be thinking she be havin another day with her kids. Well as nice as that be I not been. But I did for the first time in seven years spend some much needed, if emotional time with them all. Mines Mr Husband bought me a new notebook so I can do updates to mines blogs in the middle of the night or the middle of nowhere even. Today I realised I did need a little mouse for mines new notebook. I thought oooh- I could do with a little mouse for this yer notebook. Well a dormouse really. Not just any ol mouse. I am not very good with this touchy feely clicky doodah watsit on this thing. Or any such thing with a clicky doodah watsit on any thing. I like a mouse. So I dragged mines Mr Husband to Currys to pick one out and he didn't mind- he likes it in there. He went off to look at things and left me to mines own devices. Mouse devices in particular. It all went quite well until I got stuck back to back with a man in the aisle. A nice man. A very nice man with a very nice bum. We rubbed bums. To be fair he did have a very, very nice bum and I wasn't in hurry to move. Then his wife appeared from a puff of smoke or somewhere like it and accused me of twerking with her husband. Me of all people. Twerking. Can ye believe that? Mines Mr Husband has said I have to apologise to Currys for the pandemonium that ensued – turns out they haven't forgotten the business with the vacuum thing last time I was in. Tis not mines fault if they put things where I can reach things. I am bound to fiddle with such things. Tis true I did leave a spot or two of dust when it fell apart but its not like they haven't got lots of vacuums. Also I set all the timers on the cameras to go off at various times and take pictures of random customers. It seemed like a good idea at the time but they complained about being flashed. Mines Mr Husband thinks it was a step too far to set all the alarm clocks to go off at random times too but I think that it keeps the staff on their toes- just in case they nod off. Some do look a bit docile at times. Of course mines son was not one of these when he worked in there. He was alert and on the button. Beside I brought him up to know that Britain needs Lerts. Anyways the guy with the very, very nice bum I know I should apologise but truth is me ol' cocker ye do have that kind of bum that attracts a twerker. And really Currys should be thanking me. The pandemonium made all the other customers think there was a run on mouses and keyboards and the aisle got rushed and there was no mouses left of any sort. So tomorrow we still have to find a mouse somewhere. Anyways I probably can't go in there for a bit. Then after it all calmed down and the security persons let us go we wented to Tesco. Mines Mr Husband said I should apologise to all the people who have now probably got home and found three bags sprouts in thems shopping trolleys that they didn't put in there. The thing is the shelves were loaded with thems and Tesco couldn't shift them. Now I didn't buy any obviously because whilst I like sprouts they don't like me. Whilst they do like Mines Mr Husband he doesn't like them. He has had two this year – just to be sociable. That is two sprouts not two bag fulls or even two plate fulls. I am also sorry to that man who spent a lot of time looking for his nuts. I am sorry, I pinched them. I know ye poor little fecker- he thought he had lost his marbles as well as his nuts. But ye did have the last ones and I did need some. Anyways I digress. I needed to clear the sprouts so that the nice man could bring some fresh carrots because we did want carrots. They only had mankywanky carrots and we don't want them. So now tomorrow we have to have the carrot fiasco again where I send mines Mr Husband to the Co-op for one carrot and he refuses to go for just one carrot on the grounds ye cannot buy just one. Remember last time he brought carrot cake as well. And sausages. And Milk. And Biscuits. In fact if I cannot walk to Co-op I think we may have to forget the carrots altogether and improvise. We do have lots of cheese. Mines Mr Husband said he doesn't want cheese with his roast dinner. I told him to be grateful. There are be-afrans who would be glad of it.
I also buyed mineself a big box of chocolates as a present to mineself for being a feckin fantastic wife. And nope I shall not be sharing them- sharing I shan't be. Anyways it don't say nuffin about sharin on the box. T'is the real reason I shuffle Mines Mr Husband off to his own bedroom. I can sit here in mines bed eating chocolates without sharing. Highly recommended ladies. He has been questioning my current pickled onion addiction. I have told him its not a new thing- I have always had it. I am only just coming out in the open with them. He doesn't like pickled onions either. Win, win for me. To be fair he does keep sneaking off to have a bite of a rather large pork pie that he bought. I don't want it anyway. Its out of date by three days. Its a mankywanky pork pie. Plus we don't have PPI for it (pork pie insurance). If he wants to be sick and have a belly ache he can. We have life insurance.
I also had a nice time with mines mother and mines father. Mines father has a laminator now. I think he wanted a terminator but he got a laminator. He is laminating everything. Mines Mr Husband got laminated yesterday. I just slipped though the net be the skins of me teef. Mines mother was very well behaved but I am putting this down to the fact she has been poorly and probably been laminated. She told me the osteopath told her to put two tennis balls in a sock and rest them behind her neck to ease the pain in her neck. Its not working he is still living there. Anyways she says any balls will do if ye haven't got tennis balls. Mines Mr Laminated Husband is been draped over the back of the sofa all day long wearing nothing but a sock. She is right- it doesn't work but it sure keeps him outta mischief.
Now I will be off to work on my end of year blog- a look back at what I have learned and what I have not learned. Also to look for some new shops I have not been yet banned from for mines naked and twerkingness. Tis all about whipping the nae nae this coming new year I fear.

Looking back at Nipple Tweaking and flashing boobs.

THANKYOU all for being part of my life and sharing my life's journey with me. Some of you know about the 'black dog' in my life and how he follows me round fecking barking and snapping at mines heels. But with your friendship, encouragement and love I keep him on his lead and at bay. Thank you for being there when all seems lost and you pick me up and put me back on me feets. You, yes YOU, you may not think you say or do much but every time you like my blogs or facebook status, or just leave a little comment you keep me going. This year started at an all time low for me but it has got better and I have got stronger. Thank you for being there for me- each and everyone of you from my bottom.

 As I already pointed out Tis nice that face book will pick a few of your memories for you- but last year it picked out as the most favourite moment for me the day I wore mines knickers inside out.  So I thought I would have a little look back mines self and pick out mines own memories. We have lots of fun days out and I have treated mines Mr Husband to many groundhog fathers days out which has seen him visit Torquay and Dawlish and Sidmuff and Tinmuff and Exmuff and a few days in Dunelm. But here are some of the other highlights that pop into my mind.

  T'was the year I went on holiday with mines little 'nipple tweaking' sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, part time camel toe (by her own admission) and accidental blue hair). I didn't know she was a nipple tweaking sister until we went on holiday but I found out the hard way. Wasn't just me and her on holiday, was also mines mother and father. Also it seems there was other peoples on holiday as well. Was just like it was when we was little but without our pesky brothers ( Shrek- the one with aversion to soap and water (he be a dirty fecker), the one with the aversion to peas and is of a nervous disposition (he be a fussy eater), and the other one, the one with a deficit order (he be hard to pin down). Also mines other little 'part time' sister wasn't there (the psychotic, stressy one with the full time camel toe) so it was a nice holiday all in all. That was in March. In May mines Mr Husband had his hard earned promotion whipped from under his nose by the BFG (Big Fat Git) with the aid of his spy in the huddle. Bang- there went me new sofa. Just like that! To say I was outraged is an understatement. But oh Karma is a bitch and we are having many last laughs. And you know what they say about who laughs longest- he has a sense of humour. Well at least that's what we say. July we left behind the cold damp cottage with the log burner. We said goodbye to him at number 5 with the ropey old cock that was replaced with a nice shiny new one, Pretty Young Thing next door with the Hot Hunky Marine Husband and the Screamy baby, Her at number 3 who liked to drive on the path and loved a swig of Gin, (and who got an accidental eyeful of mines boobies when I was flashing at mines husband in order to secure me some cream for mines pudding). We left behind Jean at number 4 with the little white yappy dog and she at number 6 with a face like a cat shitting razor blades. We also left behind having to sit night after night by the front door with me fire extinguisher in one hand and me bra in the other- just in case the log burner caught fire. And I don't have to get on buses anymore just because on a little trip to the post box I have happened to sit in a bus shelter for a rest. Instead we have a nice new skinny bitch house on an a skinny bitch estate where everyone goes jogging- apart from me and the family size gateaux shaped woman with the integrated bike rack across the road. It is a nice house, bit small and we have no room for our furniture and we have to do a vertical limbo dance just to have a shower. Other than it is ok. I can see us living here a long time as long as we don't put on any weight. In September t'was a very unmemorable birthday so I don't think I will even mention that! That was no birthday of mine I tell ye. Also in September I booked an impromptu holiday and took mines Mr Husband to Cornwall. We went here, there and everywhere, over hill and over dale and he did an impression of a cockle on a rock. And didn't know how to get down. I was worried. I said 'where have ye put the life insurance and throw me the keys to the car in case ye falls off that cliff'. In August we took mines girly Anna for birthday dinner and she was cheered up with steak and chocolate cake and she cheered me up too. Also we took mines little stepson to the zoo. He learned about twerking and wrecking balls, courtesy of yours truly in demonstration mode. Just lucky that there was a twerking ball already in the elephants house. In April the doctor told me I had arferitis and a dodgy hip (although to be fair she was only repeating what I had been telling her for ages). She insisted my hip action was quite good ( a fact borne out mines Mr Husband many times). Sadly T'is less so now. Mines Mr Husband has to cup my bum in his hand and help me up the stairs of a night time.  The Osteopath wanted me to take up Aquawhatsitfeckingbics but I refuse on the grounds it has to be done in a swimming pool and ye don't know who has peed in there! Twas the month of June the month the parcel man got tied up with bubble wrap and sticky tape and spent a week under mines stairs and mines Mr Husband also had the sticky tape and bubble wrap treatment and spent four days in a box. Never let it be said I don't know what to do with men. Especially when they gets under yours feets.

October saw the publication of mines book 'The Three little Pigs' A west country tale (for adults with a sense of humour). Massive thankyous to all of you who have purchased it and left fantastic feedback - could you please nip over to Amazon and leave feedback? And if ye haven't bought your copy yet- why not? Go on be a devil- ye know ye want to. Ye can have a paperback copy to hold in ye hand and ye can even send it to me to be signed. Or ye can download a copy for ye devices. Go on- ye knows ye wants to.......... Why not buy it for someone for Xmas??

So there it is- and by no means all of it yet (I still have more), holidays (x2- done well this year), nipple tweaking, twerking, zoos, new friends made, peoples captured and kept under the stairs, a new house, some new plants for the garden, some great day trips, my first book, some new friends and some fecked off because they weren't really friends at all. Oh and Mines Mr Husband had a nose bleed.

If ye wants to be reminded of mines adventures- ye might need a break from the family at xmas and need a bit of cheering up ye can always scroll through mines facebook pages or ye can nip over to my blogs on blog spot. http://bizzylizziesramblings.blogspot.co.uk/

All out of flying fecks to give

Well that was a long shopping trip for milk and posting letters. I would like to apologise to Curries for spending so long in there and not buying anything- Oh and pulling that vacuum apart and making all that mess all over the shop- oooops. But I may buy one- one day. And I may also buy that large speaker thingy with the blueteef whatsit and the disco lights. You know the one with 500 thingy sound. I am disappointed that it has no thingy to put my tape in or my cd whatsit thingy. However, I think it would be perfect for me and my mate Elvis to have a sing-along to the neighbours with. Infact we (me and my mate Elvis) think all of Cranbrook and Exeter can join in. Bonus.

 I suppose I should apologise (but I am not going to) to the angry looking man, the one with a face like a cat shitting razor blades, (yes you know who you are you miserable looking fecker) in the Sainsbury car park for beating you into that space. But to be fair Mr Husband was driving- I have no control over that. He is a law unto himself. Mines Mr Husband would definitely not like to apologise and he doesn't give a feck. In fact he is actually right clean out of fecks- even flying ones. He ain't a man to be tangled with after the shift he has just done. I tell ye, I don't tangle with him- I give him a wide berth. Plus Every man for himself in the bad weather at xmas. Serves ye right for going out at the same time as us. Actually we waited until the busiest time of the day so we could actually piss you off as much as possible. 'Lets go out whilst it be really busy and there are lots of peoples to annoy', I says to Mines Mr Husband.

Talking of annoying people- to the BNC/BFG (brown nose creep, big fat git) you are beginning to push your luck big time. Ringing mines Mr Husband on his day off after the shift he has just done. I would say I am sorry if you are having a crap time as well but I am not going to. You wanted that job. You took Mr Husbands promotion because you are a selfish, self centred fat Barsteward. Did you work hard for the last ten years for that job? No you didn't. Did you set up and get that branch running when there wasn't even a coffee cup let alone a coffee bar (you know the place where you spend most of your time perching your humongous ass)? No you didn't. He did- because that promotion was on the cards. And you sneaked in with your spy and whipped it from under his nose. So if the job is tougher than you thought - Good! Karma is a bitch and so I am- so don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth. Simples. Never Vex she who can Hex!! I hope that job drives your fat nuts into the ground and I hope your mother gets a boil on her bum.

And finally Mines Mr Husband thinks I should apologise to the family sized gateaux from Iceland shaped woman who I gave advice to in Tesco whilst choosing your Christmas outfit- But I won't because to be honest love with an ass like that you should not squeeze into leggings! No really, you shouldn't. Merry Xmas though just the same. (P.S- if you want to get into the top- maybe lay off the mince pies this year-yeah?).

Big Knobs Up and Down and Up and Down....

Dear Mr Big, Big, Big Knob- the Biggest Knob of all at the top of the tree. I know you offer a good renumeration package (oo-er look at me using big words first thing on a Monday morning even before the rest of the world is awake).

You, The Biggest Knob of all at the top of the tree, even though, having never as much as showed your face in the UK branches must have heard now about the enormous Cock Up faced by all your Knobs large and small over here because of one tiny slip of a floppy dics- namely Mines Mr Husbands. Let's face it who hasn't heard? It could of happened to anyone. Its amazing how quick the slip of a floppy dics can soon become an almighty Cock Up. And lets face it £70.000 is nothing is it? Tiddly amount of money. Its a pair of shoes or a new handbag for Mrs Biggest Knob of all at the top of tree- namely yours wife. Ok - so its quarter of a house over here- but Tis nowt to a man of your wealth. You owns half the world. I have even heard rumours that you pull ol' Obama's ding a ling string.

In my humble opinion this Cock Up wouldn't have happened if Mines Mr Husband had not had his promotion stolen from under his nose by the BNC (brown nose creep) aka BFG (Big Fat Git)- or as we like to called him Fatty Maccy D aka The Big Fat Burger and Beer King. How do I know this? Because he would have been engaged in something more meaningful at work, like his Internet Thingy, and not sat in the coffee bar pretending to be a coffee bar kid like the BFG. The correct floppy dics may have been correctly installed at the correct time by someone else. At the very least none of this would have been Mines Mr Husbands Cock Up. The whole thing is a farce from start to end. You have already lost one Little Knob because he didn't want twenty tons of burger bearing down on him day after day and belching in his ear. He had some good foresight for just a Small Knob. Even the BFG's spy is about to leave the camp- in truth the only friend he had. Oh yes, his little a spy. 'I spy with your little eye because I am too fat and lazy to do my own work' Spy. A slippery Knob if ever I met one. Not quite as subtle as spy penguin and not quite as cute, and almost certainly not as intelligent. But you know what they say, (who ever they are- I don't know who they are either, but they sure have a lot to say) when the going gets tough the spy penguin shits and splits. Or words to that effect. Now the Cock Up is more down than up and the ups and downs of the Cock Up are more or less back to normal, a state reached by Mines Mr Husbands own skill and patience I would like to point out that making him do an extra shift immediately on top of a completed shift - (one that contained more shit than a shared shit pit in Whimple) was a gargantuous farce. Not to mention unnecessary and downright cruel. Is it you that have to lives with him when he is like a bear with a sore head? No, tisn't - tis I. If you had been living with him you would not have had him do this-  and for what reason? To impress the Big Big Knob who is making another appearance again today to meet with other Big, Big knobs. And he won't even get to see Mines Mr Husband and thank him for his hard work and dedication to putting right a little diddly, squiddly shit of a problem because Mines Mr Husband is sleeping an unnecessary extra night shift off and that is why I am up at an ungodly hour writing this bloody letter to you. And you don't need to keep banging on about £70.000 feckin squids.

The Big, Big Knob has never been so actively up and down and in and out. Up and Down and in and Out. Up and Down and in and Out. And I still haven't got chance to discuss the net curtains and scatter cushions with him- or the 'Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam' thing. And I have had a good idea for a sticker chart for good behaviour and extra shifts completed.  I think now the Cock Up is over and neither up nor down can we just not put it to bed and sack the BFG? Can't we all just have a nice cup of Yorkshire tea and a Hob Knob (with chocolate on) and move on. We need some closure as ye Americans like to say. Oh and well ye are at it would ye like to buy a copy or two (cos' ye can afford two) of my book? Go on. And I won't kill you off in the next one!!

Cock Ups, Big Knobs and Short Ass Flaps

It has been all fun and games up mines place this week. Well to be more precise- up Mines Mr Husbands place. You know the place where he spends time pretending to be flying (and earning the real money). In his cock pit. There happened to be a bit of a slip up in this cock pit. Well actually there happened to be one almighty cock up. Well to be perfectly honest it was Mines Mr Husbands cock up. Quite unintentional ye understand. Ye don't make Cock ups of this size on purpose. Unless ye are really bored. He has been in rather a tight spot in the cock pit all the week with this yer cock up. To be truthful a whole tube of KY jelly couldn't have got him out of this one easily. It was such that the Big Knob had to come down from yonder branch.And when I say Big Knob - I mean the Big, Big Knob. The Big Knob wasn't even big enough or brave enough to tackle a cock up of this size. And there wasn't too much hob knobbing either. I pleaded with Mines Mr Husband to let me come with him and have doings with the Big, Big Knob myself. But Mines Mr Husband stood firm. 'No, ye little twinkly tinsel tits' (he calls me all things Christmassy at this time of year), 'ye Gods I fear ye shall make things worse'. T'was what he said to me. All I wanted to do was run my ideas for a better workplace for thems all. I did make a list of these things once- did ye not read them?? I think a few net curtains, scatter cushions and fresh flowers would make a world of difference and cheer up a dull office. Also I think it would be good to get them all to have a group hug and sing 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam'- cheer them all up before work. Still though Mines Mr Husband said he would remain firm during this cock up and I would have to stay at home. 'Ye can't come in to hob knob with the Big, Big, Knob during this massive cock up because tis a sticky situation and ye could make the sticky situation even stickier'. Personally I think he thought I would make a booby as well. Or that and turn up naked on mines wrecking ball. Or do a bit of twerking. Owt tis possible with me. I go by whatever mood in be in at that moment. 'Ye stay at home my little xmas fruitcake' (I told ye he calls me Christmassy things at this time of the year)- 'ye search for short ass flaps, or Manky, Wanky donkey flaps like that there woman had on the telly to let her little pony enter when he felt like it'. Anyways he said there was much tension what with the cock up and the Big, Big Knob from yonder branch being in town and they were all waiting anxiously for a small part from the American part of the world. It would be a very special delivery. 'I sit here all the week alone waiting for a small part' I tell him. 'I don't even mind if a larger part arrives- I will take whatever comes'. Anyways the small part arrives and they send one of the Small Knobs from yonder branch to put it in. This has not gone down well with Mines Mr Husband or the other Knobs at this branch. Even the Brown Nose Creep is showing his displeasure. It seems that for all the Cock Ups down there this week there has not been much pleasure all the way round. I think they should have allowed me to go in and have doings with the Big, Big Knob- I could have eased the tension greatly among all thems knobs I reckons. Still I tell ye there are stirrings and strifes between thems Small Knobs and thems Big Knobs and the Big, Big Knobs. I feel there will be a stand off between the knobs over this cock up. Mines Mr Husband and some of the other Knobs could very well tell the Big, Big Knob where to stuff his cock up and his cock pit. It may not end well my friends- I do so fear. There could be Cock Ups, Cock Pits and Small Knobs and Big Knobs and Big, Big Knobs flying all over the place!

Cold Showers, King Arthur and Tight Muffs.

T'was not a good start to the day when we woke up and we only managed to get one cuppa tea and then the electric disappeared. Yes disappeared. We had no heating, no cooking, no more boiled kettles, no lights, no hot water, and no phone or broadband. Mines Mr Husband would prioritise theses in different orders ye understand- reverse order that is. We waited and we waited. And I know what ye are all thinking, 'did ye go all the way to Glastonbury Beth without having shower ye dirty little fecker?' Well how on earth did ye know I went to Glastonbury? I haven't even told ye all yet. Anyways the answer is of course I feckin did. Go to Glastonbury without having a shower that is.  I had a feckin freezin cold wash and it was a shock to me poor body (note to self- get this looked into before building straw and horse shit house in the woods)- I fear certain parts shall never quite be the same. Tightened me skin I tell ye- I have had to talk out the corner of me mowff all day. Won't even go into me muff!! T'was at the point mines Mr Husband realised we had no broadband that he decided on a day in Glastonbury. No broadband equals nervous breakdown in his little world. Tis two or three years at least since I had some time floating and drifting about at Glastonbury so I thought it was a good idea. Also I like to go there. It makes me feel normal. However on return Mines Mr Husband has told me to apologise to:

King Arfur's colourfully dressed handyman. I appreciate you stood in the middle of that lane in a state of meditation staring at the sky for a good reason but T'was ye own fault for wearing baggy trousies with elasticated waist. Must say, I liked ye chequered under crackers. Bit like some peoples pasts that I could tell ye of. (Ye did make I laffs though when ye started licking that window after ye got back up. Very entertaining I thought).

Also all thems old peoples stood round the centre thingymajig in the round square thingy. Well of course I could read the sign ye were holdin. It said ye were having a silent virgil. I know I mistaked it for virgin for a start but I didn't have mines glasses on. But ye must admit I did make ye laff eventually didn't I? And comes to think of it that ol' gal didn't look like she had an ounce of virgin left in her. Virgin on insanity if ye ask me. Gaw on- admit it. Even when I tickled ye ol' boys nose with nipple tassel- ye very nearly cracked didn't ye?

Ye ol' wise man dressed in the white. Ye know the one- the one with ye ol' white beard. Well ye looked like Santa didn't ye? I thought that was ye under garments. Very twangy elastic on ye drawers ye haves there don't ye? More than can be said for ye beard- Look Santa always haves a false beard. Not mines fault if ye didn't.

To the girl who was dressed like Johnny Depps Willy Wonka. I had to confiscate thems sweets from ye- T'was for ye own good. Ye father and Old King Arthur would have approved. Tis too late for mines teeth. And where the feck did ye learn language like that? Do ye know that ye are supposed to be quiet and peaceful in ye olde Glastonbury?

Finally - The shop with ye suit of armour- tis true I did pee in the leg- but I was desperado. Truly I was. Ye can always spray it with a bit of WD40 if it starts to go rusty. I keeps a can of that in mines cupboard just in case mines Mr Husband's nuts goes rusty (they do from time to time and I can say with all suredness it works a treat- he can swivel his nuts about freely with a spray of that!)

Ye will all be pleased to know that upon our return we have electric and broadband (mines Mr Husbands nervous breakdown averted). I have now had a bath and a shower - but not at the same time- even I can't be in two rooms at the same time - least not whilst I am awake!

Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!