Chips, Cake and Space Ships

That was an eventful couple of hours at the seaside tonight. First of all I seen a man walking a bit funny. 'Have ye had an unfortunate accident in yer under crackers?' I asked him. 'WTF?' he said - 'Well' I says to him, ye are walking a bit funny. Turns out his under crackers were a bit too tight. When we had a look he had his wife's on. Mmmm................Less said. Then we was walking along the seafront and someone said of mines Mr Husband 'He looks a bit chubby don't ye'. Well I seen red. I put me hands on me hips (took them off me walker I did) and I give him a Paddington hard stare so I did. 'Who you calling chubby, lard arse?' I asked him. (Menacingly I might add). He was a bit sheepish then he was. He said he hadn't called anyone chubby. Infact he swears blind he said, of the sea, 'He looks a bit choppy don't ye'. Well I do have a bit of trouble with mines ears these days so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 'Well I said to him, I will let thee off this time, but don't let it happen again'. Then there was the pregnant woman. I am aware of being sensitive and sometimes ye can ask one if she is pregnant and she ain't and she gets offended. So I tried a more sensitive approach. 'Who ate all the cakes and pies then?' I asked rubbing her belly. 'Ye needs to get that shifted- ye wants a join slimmers anonymouths or something'. That was when the fight started. Anyways turns out she was pregnant. Whoops! Then when was having tea two yobs walked near us and both spat- one on the ground and one over sea wall. I hate that. Swallow don't spit is my motto. Well me mothers really. Except she learnt it too late for six for us. Anyways I grabbed one and rubbed his nose in it  and told him he were a dirty git. I watched me mother do that to the cat. Not when he spit but when he shit in the chair behind her cushion. The other, well over the sea wall could have landed anywhere. As it happened it landed on seagull and he flew off. I noticed his trousies were half mast. The yob, not the seagull. Seagulls don't wear trousies. I hate that as well. Trousies half mast. Not the fact the seagulls don't wear them. Scuffy little fart. The Yob not the seagull. Nobody wanted to see his incredible hulk undercrackers. So I pulled them up hard, gave him a wedgie till he screamed then pushed him over the seawall. Then I chucked chips on him. He was lucky mines Mr Husband hadn't pissed on them cos he is always pissing on my chips. Wasn't all bad to be honest. I saw a space ship on the beach over yonder and the loch ness monster tethered up in the local pub. He has followed me home.

Highland Adventures- Little TIts, Nuts and Monsters

Morning of Day 1: Whoohoo- today's the day we start our adventures in Scotsman's land. Sooo excited. Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off his nightshift then we begin. Think I am driving us to Stoke on Trent. I expect he won't want that though. He will say he is fine to drive even if he ain't. Finished me packing. Just waiting for Mines Mr Husband to wake up again now. Waiting. And waiting. Whoohoo we are going to see the monster. Talking of monsters I must look up a Scotsman's kilt and get a picture for my rude mate Kim. I promised.

Afternoon of Day 1 :Arrived at first destination in Stoke on Trent. Mines Mr Husband drove. He said he would be alright to drive. Told thee.  Nice little room at the inn. Already picked a nice hedge for mine's Mr Husband to sleep under if he starts his snoring (which he will). I have already complained at reception. I wanted a room with a sea view. He said 'this is Stoke on Trent madam'. I don't know what that has to do with the price of cheese I am sure. Sat on the bed eating jammy Dodgers, drinking a nice cuppa Yorkshire. They don't do Yorkshire here. Tis Stoke on Trent. They have posh tea. Good journey here apart from the sheep incident at the services. But all good now, I can't abear to see 300 Shaun the sheeps in a lorry. Nearly kebabs for dinner there was. I flashed me boobies at the lorry driver farmer man, Mr Husband let the sheeps free. Good deed for the day. Not so according to the farmer and the policemans that came out. But they accepted I was just in high spirits on me holidays. No bail money require- this time.

Evening of Day 1: Tis ok guys. I found a bible in this room. I think they put it there for me to hit mines Mr Husband with when he starts snoring. And he will. And I will hit him with it.

Morning of Day 2 : Highlight so far of holiday is that Stoke on Trent has brilliant tesco but mines Mr husband wont let me stay there. Off to see the windymare now. Always pissin on my chips that man.

Evening of Day 2:  We went to Windymare. I was puzzled. I thought we had magically appeared in China. Millions of Chinese people. Funny experience. I only met one English man and he was very rude and very arrogant. So I stood on his toes and pulled the hair in his nose. Mines Mr Husband said 'Will ye please behave or I shall take ye home'. Damn cheek. Not my fault if a man is rude to me.

Then we went to Coniston. We had jammy Dodgers and tea in the services. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me out the car to cheer up a bus load of pensioners going on holidays. I only wanted to do a Beth and Elvis Singalong and a tad boobie flashing. I thought it would be a nice gesture. He said it could cause heart attacks and strokes and such like things. I don't mind being stroked anyways. Always pissing on my cornflakes that man. Then we found a lake. He installed me by the lake. He will install me anywhere that man. He has no shame. 'Stay there while I get the cameras' he instructed. Don't upset the artist. He was painting away happy. When mine's Mr Husband came back the artist was just coming out of the water. I don't now why mines Mr Husband always jumps to conclusions and assumes that it is my fault. Mine's Mr Husband is insisting I apologize for flashing mine's wares at him and unnerving him. Sorry mate. And sorry about your canvas. And your easel. And your paint (but to be fair they are called water colours for a reason and you are supposed to add water). I am sure it will dry out. I only thought it brighten up your picture. We went to windymare as well but way to peopley for my liking. Also found Ruskin's grave today. I probably always wondered where it was but I must have forgotten that I wondered. That's me all over- Wondering stuff and then forgetting. Going to the Isle of Mull tomorrow. Look out Mull. I always wondered what it would be like on the Mull ever since the song. Ye know the one. Mull of Kintyre.

Morning of  Day 3: I am not one to complain but these beds are like slabs of reinforced concrete. Don't they know I am like the princess from princess and the pea! Bet Lenny Henry don't have this trouble.

Evening of Day 3 :Arrived on Mull-eventually. Someone (not me) miscalculated our timing from Carlisle to Oban but all is good. Bit knackered but the air is good. Wasn't even sick on the ferry- good girl me. Although I did take me kwells. Also I  Did take me clothes off and run up and down the deck cheering people up. Not allowed on that ferry on the way back. They feckin misery arses up here in the highlands. I am sure I seen the monster. I also saw a pod of Dolphins. Pointed them out to mines Mr Husband. He said 'no pumpkin- that be a pod of rocks- tis not the same'. Still I know what I saw.

Me new knickers are nice. Good fit and comfortable. Glad I brought them now.

Morning of Day 4: Twin beds here but Mines Mr Husband still snoring his head off- too tired to notice - much. Must be the air or the peat water or something. Ye spends all ye lives training yer Mr Husband not to pee in wardrobes and what happens when ye gets on holiday? Yer en-suite turns out to be a wardrobe in disguise. Mines poor Mr Husband had to slope backwards at 45 degree angle to pee. Not a good look for him. Hilarious for me. He wouldn't let me take a picture for thee. Misery ass. Always pissing on my chips and sometimes in the wardrobe. Shall have to break him of this habit before we get home!! Nice view of the landladies tits outta this window. The landlord has hung his nuts just in front of the bedroom window.

There is a Scotsman yer who wears a kilt. He won't let me look up his kilt. Miserable sod. I have hatched a plan though. I will lay under his van and wait until he climbs up into his seat and then I will take a selfie with him-from up under of course.

Off to explore the Mull. With knickers on.

Evening of Day 4: Isle of Mull tis a nice place. They be a bit careless with thems sheeps. They roam all over the road. Nearly had kebabs again. Tis very narrow roads and lots of old ladies driving camper vans? Weird or what. Perhaps they belong to an old ladies camper van club or something. I tell ye what they very over confident thems old ladies- they just drives at thee. Takes thee right off the road if thee ain't careful. Usually mines Mr Husband swears at such motorists. But he minds his P's and Q's with old ladies. (Good news for me in me advancing years).We did see some lovely Highland coos as well. I said to mine Mr Husband 'I thought the coos up here had fringes- I haven't seen any- tis bullshit'. He said 'no, I think ye will find tis hair'. Then we did see some, as if by magic. Like Mr Ben. They appeared. We seen lots of water and lots of trees and a bit more of the same besides. We seen a half a hot dog van- and that was closed. Too be fair she was off at the abattoir getting her burgers for the day. (I got inside information on that!) Oh and a heron. I seen a heron.

I held a tiny tit in my hand tonight. That was a beautiful experience. Now I know how men feel. Mines Mr Husband holding a tiny blue tit in thee hand is not the same.

Note to self: Scottish waterfalls are damn slippery. Ye could do yeself a mischief if ye slipped on ye arse. Pity ye didn't know this before yer arse found out the hard way!!

Morning of Day 5: Not a good night what with all mines bruises and such like stuff. Well I had breakfast with the Scotsman in a kilt. I thought the best way to get this photograph is to be up front! Ended up with a tyre track across me nose yesterday laying under his van. No consideration for photographers some people! Anyways I just asked outright if I could see if anything was worn under the kilt. He said it was all in working order. I asked if I could take a photo for my kinky friend Kim. He said 'Och aye. I will you show mine if you show me yours'. Seemed like a fair swap. Then mine's Mr Husband intervened and stopped me. Always pissing on my porridge that man and he knows I prefer cream. I hatched another plan. I thought drop something on the floor, get under the table to pick it up, Jocks your uncle and Fanny's your aunt. I dropped a sausage. The dog was quick as lightening and got it before it hit the floor. I looked at the Scotsman and said 'let that be a lesson to ye, don't let anything dangle where that dog is'. I could see it made his eyes water as T'was. The Scotsman jumped up and grabbed a hold of his sporran and said  'Och, I'm off to toss me caber'. And with that he was gone. Off to Ben Nevis today so may see another. Too much pain and too much bruising from yesterday to climb but there is cake at the top so I will crawl on me hands and knees. The things ye do for cake.

Evening of Day 5: Long journey today - went on two ferries. Mines Mr Husband made me stay in the car this time so I didn't cause troubles he said. Cheek. Saw some grand sights. Sadly Ben Nevis was hidden under a cloud so we only seen the cloud. Fort William doesn't have a Fort. I doubt it even got a William. Disappointing. Tis a scam to get ye there. A myth. We went to Loch Ness. I seen the monster under the water. He only allows certain people with special qualities to see him. Tis true. So whilst I was lucky to see him, well mines Mr Husband wasn't quite sooo lucky. I hope I get to see him again. He is 100% real.

Morning of Day 6: Today is my birthday. I be 21 and a bit. Mines Mr Husband says he bought me a card. But he lost it. Insert sad face here. Glad I brought the only one I had from my bestie Kim. Better make an effort then to find a Scotsman willing to let me look up his kilt and take a selfie. Or help me selfie. Whichever he prefers.

Evening of Day 6: Saw two bits of Dolphins. Least that's what we was told they was as they went past in the waters of Shaggering Point. Nice dinners in Scotland. You don't even have to have Haggis if you don't want it. I don't.

Morning of Day 7: Spent the night in damp room. Mines Mr Husband chose to snore ALL night. I thought I was sleeping with the monster. Well it sounded much like one. Had to listen to Elvis all night. Well first I listened to some soothing rian forest stuff and went off to sleep. Then I was waken suddenly with a bit of Jailhouse Rock. I had Elvis rocking and rolling- interspersed with sounds of the forests and waterfalls. Not such a good idea to mix the music up on this little music gadgety thing I bought. I would organise it if only I knew how!

Evening of Day 7: Went to Dunrobbin castle. Nope they haven't it seems. Name very misleading. What with what they charge for a cuppa coffee and the gift shop prices. Not even touched on what it costs to get it in. Upstairs there was a girl playing a harp. Bleeding racket. I asked her if she knew any Elvis. She said she didn't even know who Elvis was. I told her to shut that feckin noise up then. 'Tis me birfday weekend', I told her- I don't wanna listen to that noise on me birfday- I want Elvis. To be fair the fight didn't break out until I jammed her head in the strings. She shouldn't have wound me up! I am like a coiled spring on me birfday weekend. Waiting to go off any minute.

Evening of Day 8: Quite a bit of touring today. Still no Dolphins. Not any deer or Stags or otters. Or Eagles. All the wildlife up here is a myth. Apart from the monster. He is the only real thing ye will find. All I have see today is a few sea birds and a seals head. And to be fair I can see that at home. Well not at home in the house. Mines Mr Husband won't entertain such creatures in the house. Neither will the Landlord. We are not even allowed a gold fish. Although tis true I do have two bits of battered cos in the freezer- but that be our secret.

Morning of Day 9: Week one is already behind us. Feckin knackered we are. Today we go to caronshorns and Dunfermline and finish up at Edinburgh. Seems there are no Dundee cakes anywhere and a shortage of short bread, Scotsman in skirts, and wildlife. Tis all a myth. However the monster is deffo real. Tis wet and warm today and that's how tis going to stay by looks of it. Here us goes agin

Evening of Day 9: Been to Caronshorns. They have's it on spring watch so they do. I only seen it at 70 mph. Thats cos there is nowhere to stop. Mines Mr Husband also argued T'was too foggy to see it anyway so there be no point in stopping. Disappointed ain't the word I tell ye. I looked forward to this bit the mostest. Gutted. I was hoping to see a bearded tit. No beards. No tits.

On the plus side I was wrong - there be Whisky shops everywhere. The most interesting bit is that they have Shortbread shops everywhere. And they sell Dundee cake. Not on the beach though. I could get used to living close to one of these. Still the weather can be most inclement up here so they have to have something to cheer thems souls up. Nothing finer than a bit of shortbread and some whisky. And cake.

Morning of Day 10: I been awake all night wondering how many deaths occur in the night. Well I read most people die in bed. But I was wondering how many of thems is husbands murdered for snoring. Mine's Mr Husband said 'all ye haves to do is gently tilt mines head forward'. I did this. This is why I am off to Whitby on me own. Also this is why is head is trapped in the window at premiere inn.  

Evening of Day 10: All day on the road, feckin knackered. I only seen two interesting places I wanted to stop. Dunelm, well two if thems- so strickly speaking that's three places. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me. Also I wanted to go to some pleasure gardens I seen. 'Ooer Mr Husband, we could go there for some pleasure'. He said 'No, no pleasure for you today you little poisoned Pandora'. Mmmm, seems someone still has the hump because I gently tilted his head forward and jammed it in the window. Always pissing on my pleasure seeking that man. We are now in York. Bye bye Shortbread shop land.

Morning of Day 11: Our room is on the ground floor this time. Mines Mr Husband is still pissing on my pleasure. He stopped me, no less than ten times, flashing and jiggling mines boobies at peoples in the car park. To be fair it looks more like a scrap yard this morning. Not my circus, not mines monkeys. Nowt to do with me. He is still like a bear with a sore head. All since this gently tilting his head forward and jamming it under the window thing. Boy can he hold a grudge. Worked though. He never made a sound last night. Today we explore Yorkshire. Tis very foggy so I don't know how much we will see. Seen feck all yesterday. Day wasted was that.

Evening of Day 11: I am told Yorkshire is a beautiful place. It has very friendly people and real tea. Proper Yorkshire tea. Never seen any scenery. Could barely see me hand in front me face all day. We went to Whitby though and seen Robins Hood Bay. No Dolphins though. Saw a sign for Conundrum but we was allowed in. Bit of a whatsit thing that.

Morning of Day 12: Still not seen much of Yorkshire. Going to see Last of the Summer Wine Country today.

Evening of Day 12: Melting in Holmfirth. Heat makes Mr Husband grumpy. I tried cheering him up by flashing mine boobies in the centre of town. All he said was 'now apologise to all the drivers in that pile up and promise not to do it again'. I apologized but I don't make promises I can't keep. Retired to hotel for nice Bath and a cool down. Also I been up Norah Battys place and Sids Cafe. Got ice cream on me nipples. Note to self - wear top when eating ice cream in Yorkshire on hot days.

Morning of Day 13: This hotels room is level with the motorway. It's not my fault if its too hot to wear clothes and passing motorists are looking in. They shud keep thems eyes on the road. Quite a queue out here. Sorry, I mean pile up. That's what I mean.

Happiness comes from within- that's why it feels good to fart!

Morning of Day 14: Last day of tour today- guessing much of it will be spent at trying to see nice stuff at 70mph. Well 68- mines Mr Husband likes to play it safe. And I guess there will be a fair bit of bad language. I expect mines Mr Husband may swear once or twice too at passing motorists. Unless they are old ladies. He has manners ye know. He has done all the driving. He says he is 'more than happy to'- whatever that means.

Evening of Day 14: Here in Kings Lynn. Sat here with a big chocolate birfday cake, courtesy of mines little sister- the one with the issues and the confusion and the constipation and the accidental blue hair. It serves 14 people. Well that's what it says on the box. I don't think so. That means sharing. And I don't like the idea of sharing chocolate cake. I had to carry it all the way here on my lap- apparently there is no room left anywhere in the car for anything else. That is because mines Mr Husband didn't let me pack it up. I have long since been known as champion of 100 things in a thruppence matchbox. I have applied this to all aspects of my life ever since becoming champion. Ask anybody. Tomorrow we are on the final leg of our journey- a caravan in Suffolk.

Evening of Day 15. I knew we were in Great Yarmouth the moment we had to stop at the lights to let a pirate cross the road. Tis how they roll in this part of the world. Got ice cream on me nipples again! Forgot the golden rule of keeping them covered when eating ice cream.

Caravan is nice. Sitting on the edge of a building site. Not soooo nice. It runs down hill. The caravan not the building site. Going to make feel bad is that.  I wasn't happy in the first place as we brought everything from the car as I see mines Mr Husband has unpacked before we left. I cannot find me Hoover doofer thingy, or me halogen oven. Or me ornaments. Can't even find me bush trimmer. On the plus side I do have a nice bit of fencing that he can erect around me caravan and a nice plant. Also still have me party hat and a balloon. Not forgetting me chocolate cake. Party in my bedroom tonight.

Morning of Day 16: Had some sleep on a child's single bed. Woke up with my nose stuck to the side of the caravan. The inside - not the outside. The inside of the caravan that is- not the inside of my nose. Do keep up. Well it may not have been very comfortable but at least it was quiet. And it didn't slope downhill like the double bed that mines Mr Husband occupied. He don't care if he sleeps up side down he don't. Tis all the same to him when he be snoring- he can't hear which direction up or down he is sleeping. Plus he was a bat in a former life. I am far more normal.

We are just going to chillass today. Whatever that is. I have seen other people say that. I thought 'sounds good to me'.  Then mines Mr Husband pointed out we have sit in the freezer and I can't be doing with a cold bum- no siree. Or cold feets. I hates colds feets. Thats why I brought loads and loads of orgasm socks. So we are not going to do anything much today. We tooooo tired.

Morning of Day 17: Another raggedy night on the childs bed. Was slightly better in that I actually found some bedding for it last night. Much more comfy and warm. Still woke up with me nose stuck to the side of the caravan. My nose shall be flat as a pancake by end of this week!

Evening of Day 17: It has been bob a job week here this week. I thought bit off considering tis me holidays. Also after the fiasco at the Scout Jumble where I bought them all for 10p each and then found out when I got home that I shouldn't have bought them at all I wasn't sure it was a good idea. I don't have a good record with the scouts. Still I managed to procure two little scouts to clean the caravan. These places are never cleaned to my high standards. As usual I ended up with the one with a snotty nose and a crusty toggle. I sent him back and asked for another. They sent one with bladder issues and a penchant for my Scottish cookies. I tackled the scout master directly in the end. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying. I think he was French. Mines Mr Husband says, 'He isn't the scout master- he is the chef from the restaurant over the road'. I don't give a feck who is- he can have his piddly scout back. They all looked a bit put out but I shall do my own cleaning and save money into the bargain.

Morning of Day 18 : Monday: Whoohoo- I love Mondays. Nookie day for us. Used to be Tuesdays. Mines Mr Husband moved the day to confuse me. Takes me ages to get into Nookie mindset. Now he has moved the feckin day. He promised me sex everyday of me holidays in a different hotel- alas I didn't find any hunks I fancied. Apart from the little man in the restaurant in Scotland who told me his wee legs had been going like the clappers and was aching. I offered to rub them down for him in my room. I even offered to give him a bath and I even offered to share some of my Epsom salts. He went off to order me dinner and I never seen him again. Then in another restaurant when I was scouting for hunks an old man was giving me the glad eye in that my eye was glad when he toddled off with another woman. That was mines Mr Husband settled for the night. So best get some more relaxing in today- tonight could be exhausting!

Morning of Day 18: Getting used to sleeping in the child's bed now. Woke up with me nose pressed against the side of the caravan again (still inside) and one of my arms in the overnight bag and my leg under the suitcase. Still mines Mr Husband was sleeping and snoring quite happily upside down in the big bed and that's all that matters to me. Thats cos I am a good and considerate wife.

Evening of  Day 18: - Been to Algebra. Was very bracing. Got naked to encourage people to get naked and go for swim. Not me of course- do ye thinks I am a nut job. I wasn't getting in that cold sea. No siree. I was just trying to encourage some of the others. But they all seemed to be giving me a wide berth. Mines Mr Husband said 'why did ye say to that woman in the shelter "clench your cheeks and move your fat arse up a seat or three" ?'. I said 'cos she was taking up too many seats with her cheeks spread out all over thems, and I bet she had no knickers on'. He looked me straight in the eye and said 'How rude'. 'Well precisely what I thought of her', I replied.  He said 'not her- you! I haven't been so embarrassed since - well since yesterday when you tapped that lady on the shoulder and told her she was the reason that some women should be stopped at the checkout from buying leggings'. 'That, my good man', I said 'was no lady- not with an arse like that- looks like she had smuggled two toddlers in her drawers'. Mines Mr Husband said he was considering divorcing me! Hmmm- now what?

Morning of Day 19: Getting used to this position in this little child's bed now. I didn't even want to get up this morning. Soooo tired. But a days adventures awaits. We are off to look at graves. You may say 'she has totally lost the plot'. But nope I haven't. I know where they all are. I checked with the doofer place before we left home.

Evening of Day 19: Had a really lovely day. The best yet. Ipswich has the most amazing Sainsbury's. I could easily live here.

Morning of Day 20: Heading for home. Too much holiday and too much adventuring. I think mines Mr Husband is worried we may have to spend the day in Sainsbury's again.

Evening of Day 20: It has been the longest day ever. In all of history. I swear. 7 hours of journey. Mines Mr Husband only let me out the car to pee. I wasn't allowed to interact with anyone. Or strip off. Or cheer people up. Our first stop- Sainsburys in Ipswich- I insisted for a pee- I did disobey him. I interacted with a woman in the loos. I said to her, through the cubicle door , 'Wow Mrs- that's some pee you are having. Sounds like a waterfall- didn't ye go before ye left home?'. She was going when I got in there and still going when I left. I said to her 'For goodness sake Mrs- stop will ye- we shall be flooded out and me feckin arm bands are at the bottom of the packing in the car'. She didn't answer. I noticed in the car park she came back to her car and she had a little shitsoo. Glad she never had that in there when I was in there! No place for little dogs.

Next Day back at home I reminisce: I did helped mines Mr Husband with the driving on the holiday. Well, when I say helped. He didn't let me have a go with the steering wheel or the pedals or the joy stick or anything like that. Its not as if I even drive on the path all of the time. Anyways he appointed me chief meerkat. Like when the chief meerkat stands on top of the hill to look out of for predators. Well I did that. I had to look out for errant motorists and pedestrians. Although he said he was pleased to give me this post I get the feeling sometimes he didn't really want me to do it. Once or twice I shouted to mind the sheeps in the fields and such like cows. He said they didn't pose a problem but they did on the Isle of Mull- they wandered willy nilly I remember. Once I shouted to make him stop for half a dead squirrel in the road. I said 'let me stop to get he for yer anniversary on Saturday'. He said he didn't want half a dead squirrel. I even offered to help look for the other half. I said 'look, he died grinning- he got a massive smile on his face'. He said 'He didn't die grinning- he looks like he died saying "eeeek- I am going to get run over". I prefer to think he died happy with his hands on his nuts. Alas his hands were in the air and I fear mines Mr Husband is right for once. Just once mind you. It appears the squirrels nuts were missing. It is our anniversary tomorrow- and I still haven't found him a present!

Just found out tomorrow is our seventh anniversary. Well I already knew it was seventh. But I found out Tis our wool and copper anniversary. Phew- that's has solved that problem of a present. I have three baskets of wool and he can choose a ball from that. He can have whichever one he wants. I am nice like that. Also may have a few coppers in me purse. Might let him have a couple of them.

OUR ANNIVERSARY : Mines Mr Husband has declined the gift of wool. He is such a misery guts at times. He even complained that I gave him a blank card. 'Tis blank for ye own message'- I tells him. 'Ye can write what ye likes in that'. He just looked at me blank as his card. Then he said 'Or I can give it ye back and ye can give it me again next year- this way ye can save some money' (he be a right tight arse when he is of the mind) and then he says 'or ye can save for ye next husband'. Well there is no answer to that on ye anniversary is there?

Windy Gussets, Orgasms and Buffed up Candlesticks

Adventures, Musings and Stuff that my head has had swooshing round in it.

Been exciting for me this week. The weather been all over the place. Here and there and all over. Windy gussets and sudden soakings. Half price dish sponges, a new washing up bowl (to take on me holidays), new orgasm socks (to take on me holidays), a new toofbrush (to take on me holidays- I not be like some dirty feckers who don't clean thems teef on holiday or any other time) and I today I am off to get more headphones (for me holidays if the bedroom experiment works) and some new bath mats (for me holidays- cos we still haven't done it) and a wedgie (for me holidays). Not only that but mines sister has found herself a man than don't snore. I am also keeping me eye out for one of these (to take on me holidays).

Well I expect ye are all wondering how the bedroom experiment went. Not well my friends, not well. T'was not so much a night of whips and chains as wires, cables and Velcro. Mines Mr Husband came in bedroom with a strappy contraption that he said is designed to shut yer cake 'ole.  He recommends this for men who's wives won't shut up!! Anyways on this thing goes, Velcro fastened, and he gets in my bed. That's half my bed gone! I like to sleep diagonally with loads of pillows supporting me. That was that outta the window long with my arse- T'was the only place left for it. Then Mines Mr Husband went to sleep and he started snoring. He breaks decibel metres. He could be banned from sleeping if the council heard it. So it was time for my part of the experiment. I threw the cover off and got me new super duper JVC headphones out. In vain, in the dark, I tried to find the hole- T'was very frustrating trying to find a little hole in the dark in the bed don't ye know. Then when I did find it the damn slippery thing kept sliding outta me ear hole. Cables all tangled round me neck. Then I found the music was playing but wasn't coming outta the headphones anyway and so Mines Mr Husband was woken to Elvis singing 'It ain't no big thing but it's growing'. Slightly insulted, he tried to go back to sleep. I finally managed to listen to some music but resulted to my solo beats. Still I couldn't sleep. Even had two sleepy tablets. In the end Mines Mr Husband got up and went back to his own bed because I was too fidgety for him! It's happening all over again tonight- all this so we don't have to book two hotel rooms on holiday!!

Well I am thinking of re-evaluating my relationship with mines Mr Husband. I said I was looking forward to seeing if there were any Dunelms on mines holidays. He said he is not. I don't really know if I can live with this kind of negativity. I may have to go on holiday with a different man- one who appreciates Dunelm on holiday.

We been up St Ottery Mary place today. Mines Mr Husband stopped outside the church and read, out loud, to me (cheek!) 'Confessions on a Saturday Here'. I inhaled that remark. Then we got home and he says 'I been thinking about that Confessions on a Saturday, fruitcake- maybe ye should go along'. Well I friggin never. He was thinking of sending me there. 'I already went last week whilst ye was at work', I tells him, 'but I ain't welcome there again, no siree'.  He looked horrified he did. 'Oh no, ye didn't did ye?' he asked. I nodded. 'Ye lifted yer top and jiggled yer boobies at father Dreary didn't  ye?'. I nodded. 'I did indeedy, he looked feckin miserable. Then I asked him I asked him if he would like me to buff up his candlestick. I lifted his cassock to have a look at it'. Then he shooed me out saying 'Go to hell Mary three times'. I think he had me confused with someone else to tell ye the truth. Well Mary to be exact. Mines Mr Husband shook his head in sorrow. He has gone to have time out in the shed he said. So I am asking ye all to check yer sheds-only we don't have one and I don't know the feck where he be!

She be a silly moo on Pointless- she thought Bermuda was a country. Every body knows that its not. Everybody knows it be a frickin triangle!

Is it just me or has anybody else noticed the roads are filled with these little friggin Fiat 500 things. They bloody everywhere. Are they free with cornflakes this year or someat? On the plus side they make my pea look like a mercedes!

Dear Philips Sonicare. I love my new electric toothbrush. My tongue had an amazing orgasm. I don't suppose you could make vibrators could you?