Lube for the Python, Air Cadets and Eggs

Tis been a funny week here what with me uterus and me ovaries going missing and all. Thrown us all the week it has so much so that Mines Mr Husband didn't remember he had to go to work one day- 'twas the granny murdering barsteward who steals other peoples promotions that reminded him. I don't know why Mines Mr Husbands forgets all the other things. He must have the dementia coming on. He is old now. He had another birfday last week. He stayed at home and chilled and I bought him burgers and a cake. No wild parties here. I did offer to take him in the supermarket to show him I have no shame like him but he reminded me that I was still on a ban for the naked in the freezer thing whilst singing 'do ya wanna build a snowman'. So here is this weeks musings- sorry for the shortness but thats how I was born. Little and lovely. Also the blog is shorter cos we have been all at sea this week- (the uterus and the ovaries thing).

 Well at Mines Mr Husbands behest me, Bob and Elvis been to the shops. Tis 4mins there and usually three hours back. But I found a short cut today and it took 4mins home as well. Bob and Elvis wanted to go on tour but I put me foot down with a firm hand today. There was some air cadets at the shop - I guess they are going to pester shoppers to pack their shopping all day. Well the girl with the ample bosom and the family size gateaux from Iceland bottom with integrated bike rack and mud all over the back of her uniform (I am alluding to nuffin)- well she said she was cold and didn't want to stand there anymore. (It's not even cold in Devon today- not bikini weather either and I wish I hadn't worn mine). The lanky lad with the nervous stomach and a penchant for sticking to rules said 'we can't sign in for 5mins yet'. (Thems are the rules). She said she didn't give a stuff and she was going in anyway- and so she did and all the others followed. The lanky lad with the nervous stomach and a penchant for sticking to rules was saying 'we are not supposed to go in for another 5mins'- but he went anyway. I said 'God feckin help us if our country gotta rely on you lot in a war. God help us when the Russians comes a calling. Can't follow rules- can't stand in the cold- charging in before waiting for the command'. Please don't ever let that bunch carry out air raids- it will be surely hit and miss- much like the shopping they will be packing for customers today. On the plus side a girl who likes that much cake must never be toyed with -especially when she is on a cake mission!

I learned also that :

Research has shown that 65% of people who eat two eggs a day for breakfast lose more weight than those who don't. Tis true cos I read it in the Bella magazine. So it seems I need to have more cake for breakfast cos that it is how I prefer me eggs on a morning. (That and unfertilized!)

And finally I want to give thee a Beths hot top tit:

A man, last year was killed in his bedroom by his python who loved him a little bit too hard. Now this has made me think hard about all you guys who take to your rooms alone to play with you pythons. Tis dangerous. So if your python is over 4ft long please don't go locking yerselves in your room to engage in loving and petting with it without a chaperone. A chaperone can not only observe but could save your life if your python loves you just a little too hard!! Don't say ye haven't been warned! (P.S- I would recommend a good lubricant so ye can slip free if necessary- pythons aren't as slippery as they always look)!

 

Polished Uterus, Missing Ovaries and Easter Gin.

I been up the lady hospital today. I was having a few problems so I was.If ye are a man or a bit squeamish ye may want to put yer fingers in yer ears. First Doctor poked around then declared she was perplexed because she couldn't locate the uterus. I said 'If ye read the notes ye would see I don't have one'. 'Oh' she said 'What happened to it?'. I tells her 'I takes it out for polishing on a Sunday, the phone rings, I puts it down and then when I goes to get it what da ya know Mines Mr Husband has feckin tidied up and its never to be seen again'. She said 'That explains the lack of ovaries then'. I said 'Ye gods ye ain't so good at the note reading thing are ye? Read the notes. I kept thems little feckers  for a rainy day'. Ye never knows when ye are going to be needing an ovary. She says ovaries without a uterus just floats around all over the shop. Anyways she still can't find them. I tells 'You need to look in me ears me dear, ye shall surely see them then, that's how Dr Anderson located them a few years back'. Tis true he did. I told him I had the earache and he looked in and asked 'When you had your uterus removed did you keep your ovaries? ' I was up and outta that chair. He could see them I am sure. Anyways this doctor woman kept looking for me ovaries and sure as eggs is eggs (preferably unfertilised because I don't have a uterus)- well she still couldn't find them. So if anyone finds a couple of ovaries floating around- they be mine. Then the Dr had a look- she was of foreign extraction- she said she could see me sister. I said 'oh me giddy goats trousers on toast- I don't have a feckin sister- I am an only child me'. She said 'no- I said you have a cist here'. She declared I have a 'perfect cervix that has never had children'- So I am childless it seems. Has anyone told my kids this? Also she said 'You am now no longer menopausal'- well that was feckin quick I must say- I only started that.  'Look yer', I said 'I was enjoying that and now I have no defence if I strangles anyone. Or shoplifts. Or gets naked in the freezer in Tesco. Or flashes me boobies without as much as thought. Anyways she says 'you haven't got enough easter gin' and she gived me easter gin. I gived it back. I told her I am strictly a Baileys girl. No easter gin in this house!  So all good here ladies. (And gentlemen who are not squeamish).

Hot Flesh, A Jar of Farts and Three Men in A Tub.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my lovely faithful followers. For regular updates you can find me on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1

So here's how 2018 started in Beth and Elvis and Bobs world. So far so good!

FRIDAY; Got up in the night to find three naked men squashed in my bath telling me they had moved in and I would just have to suck it up buttercup. Suck something up anyway. 'Rubadubdub, three men in a tub'- I thought me luck was changing. Then I looked a bit closer and I thought 'well two of them ain't too bad- I guess I can live with them'. One was a bit ropey to be honest but I didn't think I would be able extricate him from that tangle of hot flesh in the middle of the night. Went back to bed and thought nothing of it until I got up this morning and went to check on them-quite excited I was too. Well bugger me if they hadn't all got up and moved out again without as much as a goodbye and thank you for the hospitality. How Rude. That's the last time I leave the front door open at bedtime! And certainly the last time I let three men in my bath at the same time......or maybe not.

SATURDAY:Sometimes its not until you do family history you realise the close links between you all in profession. For instance, Mines Mr Husband's great grandfather was a gas collector. Yes he was the very person Christine Aquliaria wrote that song about- collecting a jar of farts. Now mines Mr Husband is also in the gas industry- (he does this alongside his job at the airport- before, during and after). He doesn't so much collect gas as he distributes it. Generously so too. If you should ever happen to be in his company you just keep your ears and nostrils alert and you may be witness to his generosity!!!

WEDNESDAY; According to mines Mr Husband you check the pulse to see if you are still alive. Or anyone else. He showed me how to do it. I do have it in one arm. Whoohoo. He also said that you have a pulse in your groin and in your throat. So when he caught me with hands round me sisters throat I told him I was checking her pulse. He seemed to believe that. He even seemed to encourage me. However, when he caught me with me hands down the postman's trousers he was less understanding. Really I did think that postman didn't look well! I was only doing the man a good turn!

MONDAY:I chipped a tooth on a hard pear over this holiday. It just goes to prove that fruit is bad for you. A New Years Beths Top Tit- stick to cake and maltesers. Can't go far wrong with that. I have never chipped a tooth on cake or chocolate!

 TUESDAY: I have been laid awake all night listening the wind howling and booming against my window. Thats the last time I let Mines Mr Husband eat so many veg in one sitting. Also the last time I let him sleep in my bed. Or near the window!

SUNDAY: Ye are probably all thinking Beth be very quiet today. She probably got a big bag of chocolates for breakfast. I have as well. How do ye know that? Can't keep nuffin to meself. Anyways me and Bob and Elvis been on a trip to Morrisons. 4 minutes exactly it takes to get there from our house. I timed it. I even shopped without incident. Apart from the fannying about old woman who dogged me all the way round. She is in the cold store out the back now. That will be a nice surprise for someone when they go to stock up on frozen fish fingers. Anyways it took me 3 hours to get home. Bob and Elvis went on a jolly. 'This way' I am saying 'I am sure it's this way'. They are saying 'No, it's this way'.  'It's Way O Down' Elvis Kept singing. They tricked me. Did you know, basically Tiverton is one massive circle? Until you get on the motorway. Tis just one straight line is that. Do bundle up if you go outside. Tis frightfully cold out there! And do watch out for comatose iguanas falling from trees. It could be fatal for ye.

FINAL THOUGHT: Also has anyone else ever shopped in an empty aisle not because its empty or because they needed something but just because the aisle looked lonely and they felt sorry for it? Just me then!