Nipples, Adult Stuff and Fifty Shades of Grey

Mines Mr Husband is going to buy me an exercise bike so that I can go and join in with this naked cycling day without leaving the house. He thinks it be safer for me nipples like this. He be afraid they will catch in the chain and I will go ass over tip over handlebars and cause chaos. Why didn't I know about this naked cycling lark before?Ye all been keepin it from me I reckon. Got thrown out of Argos because while I was waiting and waiting for me order wrecking ball came on the radio- thier choice of music not  mines fault! I stripped off and got a space hopper off the shelf. Then I got chucked out of Homebase next door- how the feck was I to know there wasn't supposed to be loo roll next to the loo in the bathroom. Went all round the shop with me drawers round me ankles shouting loo roll. Also loo wasn't plumbed in. Was that my fault? I don't feckin thinks so!!  Also went to Sainsburys. I was well behaved til I got to the checkout. It is here I usually have a bit of chocolate whilst waiting for the girl at the till to get a wriggle on and checkout me shopping. But now they have moved the chocolate and apparently it wasn't free 'help yourself because you could be waiitng a long time'. They have replaced the chocolate with colouring in books- and no pencils. Crap! So I coloured in a few with me lipstick. Then I found 'adult colouring in books'. Old lady next to me also expressed an interest. She thought, the same as I to be honest, that it would be based on fifty shades of grey only with colour. No it feckin wasn't. It was all flowers and stuff. Talk about miffed. Miffed we both was- good and proper. Where is the point on putting feckin 'adult' on the front if ain't really for adults? She kicked off and so did I. 'Don't start her off Mrs', said mines Mr Husband 'she don't need no encouragement'.  She said the only knob in sight was the manager and it was disgusting and false misrepresentation I had to agree. Anyways now we both banned but on the plus side I got a new friend! Be back laters to tell ye all bout the new neighbours of Cranbrook.

Spank me very much...............

Well it has been sure nice today not to have to rush around doing stuff at the old house. I only had to go for an x-ray on me poor old spine - that feckin woman poked my hips 'trying to find them'. I told her they was under a layer of cake- it can't be helped- cake is soooo nice. Also the ironing board shaped woman next door has painted her fence in pastel colour stripes. It looks like a block of neopolitan icecream and you know me and ice cream guys- I just couldn't resist a lick. Now she is telling the other neighbours that I am a bit odd- cheeky wench! She is the odd one painting her fence to look like ice cream. Also I am not sure moving to a house with sooo many loos is a good idea. I keep struggling up the stairs (because thats how it be for me now)- then getting to bathroom and then mines Mr Husband shouts if I am alright and what am I doing. Then I tell him 'It be ok, I am just coming up for a wee'. Then he says 'Why the feck don't use the downstairs loo?'. Bugger, Bugger, Bugger. I forgot. Also by then I have passed another one.. I did just the same tonight and then I couldn't get out because the lock jammed. I don't mind telling ye I was all of a panick. I yelled for mines Mr Husband ' Fire, fire', I shouted. He came running up the stairs with his hose in his hand. 'Where is the fire mines wife'. I had to admit there wasn't one. 'There isn't one but I wanted you to hurry. I be locked in the lavatory and I be afraid of being here from Monday til Saturday and I be about to have a major panic attack'. He fought with the lock from t'other side- Remember how they used to open with a penny? Now its a £2 coin that does the job. That be inflation that be. Mines Mr Husband don't be carrying cash (so don't be bothering to rob him)- but he used a key to get me free. 'My hero', I said. 'My cuckoo, everso slightly de-ranged wife'- he said. 'Why the feckin hell did ye lock the door?'. 'Have ye not heard of privacy?' I asked. 'Don't be locking the door again when ye go for a wee'- he chastised, 'and use the loo down stairs'. So Beth Anne, that's wrists slapped and ears burnt. That be me told!! I bent forward 'May as well slap me arse', I said- 'please'. Well there be no harm in trying!! Tomorrow is another day and I wish I was on holiday with little sister (the one with the issues)- then I may be able to have some fun!

Nipples, Bedroom Bouncing, and Chocolate

Well guys we have finally done it- the old house is empty and handed back and sparkling like new. The osteopath forbid me to do any cleaning or work yesterday but I ignored him I am afraid (but I am paying dearly for it today- the pain is toooo much today- but at least all our deposit comes back). I told Mrs Droopy Drawers the agent if I don't get it back in full I will be very feckin angry and ye won't like me when I am very feckin angry. Don't mess with the Zohan or the Beth! I want to thank my little sister (the one with the issues not the pyschotic one with all the kids and the camel toe!) for letting me dump all my junk in her bedroom! And I had a bounce on her bed. Go me!! Plenty more junk where that came from too as we have room for nothing else now. Even mines Mr Husband has been relegated to sleeping in the garden. Although it could be that he just is stuck behind that load of boxes. And I have not yet mastered the vertical limbo to get in the shower cubicle- it be no good for nipples that door I tell ye. The neighbours are all a joggy lot- I am not telling the osteo- he will have me on that game next and I haven't forgiven him for mentioning aqua whatsabics yet. Telling me to give up chocolate and start excerising indeed my arse! I be absolutely knackered and I will get back to ye all as soon as the adventures can begin. Mines Mr Husband has gone to work for a feckin rest- I have to stay here because I am truly wicked and there ain't no rest for they buggers (sssh don't tell him but I am in bed eating chocolates and then I am going to watch long lost family on t'internet because this way I may see some of mines long lost family!!) I will be back soon because I am like Arnie Oldsportsandknickers. Loves ya all.xxxx

Jack and Jill Went up the Hill.......................................

Jack met Jill and he was smitten. She was a bit of a tearaway and felt unloved. So Jack married her and gave her a home. She wanted a baby but Jack wanted to be responsible and have enough money to give his kids a good life. But Jill came off the pill and tricked him. They had a baby. Jack fell in love with the baby, as did Jill. For a while the three of them lived up the hill and were very happy. But Jill decided that Jack had quite a few faults and she tried to change him. But Jack wasn't quite ready. So Jill decided to kick Jack up the arse and out on his ear. He pleaded with Jill but she was a hard faced cow and had her mind made up. Still Jack came back and pleaded some more. Jill liked the way that sometimes Jack still made her feel and along came baby number two. But Jill was a hard faced cow and told Jack the baby is mine this time and don't come back. Jill saw her solicitor and divorced poor Jack and made him sign to say he would pay everyday for what was his. Then Jill let Jack baby sit day in and day, and pay for the food and nice days out until Jill met Peter and Paul, Tom, Dick and Harry. Eventually she settled for Little Boy Blue because he was younger and she could blow on his horn. She was a hard faced cow and sent Jack packing again with 'and don't come back'. She wanted a new life with Little Blue Boy and Jack was bereft. Jill and Little Boy Blue changed the kids surname and tried to cut Jack right out of their lives and told the kids that daddy was a dead beat and he didn't care. Jack wept and wept until he eventually decided no more to weep and met up with Little Bo Peep. Little Bo Beep said all was ok and he was entitled to see his kids and so he did. But Jill was jealous of Little Bo Peep and she was a hard faced cow. So she was unkind to Little Bo Peep and she tried and she tried to stop access by Jack to his two little boys. She told them daddy was a dead beat and not any good. And in fact they should just call him Jack. Eventually Little Bo Peep got lost with the sheep and Jack was lonely and bereft. He wept and wept. He took a big stick and filled his best hanky with snot and off he went into the big wide world to seek his fortune and bury his sorrows. Eventually he met Miss Whiplash from Venus. She knew he had faults but she would whip his arse into shape and would love her bits. His kids were now grown and Little Boy Blue didn't love them like his own. But still the kids thought Jack was a deadbeat and that he didn't care. But Jack thought of them everyday and every night and knew that one day they would see what a hard face cow Jill had been and all he had wanted was to be a good dad. They grew up into fine young men and had kids of their own. They knew how hard it was to be a good dad. They knew what a swine was Little Boy Blue. And what hard faced cow was Jill. Yet Jack he wanted to be a good dad still. That though is what is sad. Because Jack was denied the right to a role in the lives of his boys he found it real hard to know how to behave- you see you need to practice everyday to be a good dad. Whereas being a hard face cow comes natural to some. His sons don't know how to be good to poor Jack. Every birthday and every fathers day and every Christmas day Jack is reminded what Jill has done in teaching her boys they had a dead beat dad. And Little Boy Blue get his horn blowed and showered with gifts he barely deserves. Poor Jack sits with Miss Whiplash from venus - but he knows for sure she will always love him to bits.

Neighbours Tits, Stripping in the Bedroom, Bush Envy Again!

We have moved- almost. We hired two men and a van. I am thinking I want some of my money back because we actually only got one and a half. But to be fair they did sweat a fair bit- at one point I heard bedroom and stripped. I ran up and took me clothes off. I thought T'was an invite. Well what would you do? Anyway- what apparently was said that that was the bedroom stripped! T'was just after that they sweated quite a lot. Gladly for me they didn't call the policemans.

The new house is nice but you know how certain shops only do clothes for skinny bitches? Well it seems these yer houses were built for skinny bitches too.

I have to do a feckin vertical limbo dance to get in the shower. T'wasn't built for cake people.

We be piled high with boxes. I couldn't find mines Mr Husband this morning. I tapped on all the boxes. No reply. Did get a meow from one so I think I may have packed the cat. What ye mean I don't have a cat? Bugger. So I don't. Well there ye have it. I have packed somebody's feckin cat. Bet it was PTYND's pussy. Was always creeping round my bush. Anyways I ended up ringing his mobile. 'Where the feck are thee?' I asked him. 'Where the feck are thee?' he asked. 'I'M ON ME MOBILE', I said. 'I'm at work', said he. Work? At Feckin Work?? 'What ye doing there' I demands to know. You know what he said ? No? I tell what he said- he said he was having a feckin rest and hiding from me so he didn't have to carry anymore feckin boxes. Oh my days. Turns out he was there yesterday as well. So that solved that mystery. If ye hears him shouting tonight it will be because I am tying him to the bed to stop him escaping again!

I hear ye askin what about ye neighbours? Well I haven't got to speak to any yet- I am a bit shy and have aspergers so I shall just be looking for now.

I have observed that she at number 53 across the way is probably my kinda girl- she is cake shaped and he is pork pie shape. I am not to keen on her at number 49 though- she goes jogging and to the gym. I have had some run ins with joggers in the past although mines Mr Husband swears blind that it be me own fault for telling them they will need to jog much harder if they want to get that fat of that arse, and you need a better sports bra. I thought I was offering sound advice. I do like to offer sound advice. So I tried to be nicer- I even had mines Mr Husband stop for one so we could offer him a lift- he just called us perverted morons. Well that's the last jogger I shall be nice too. She next door at 23 is a Rebecca Adlington look alike- with new nose and all and bit too smiley for my liking. I don't trust people who smile first thing on the morning. It ain't natural I tell ye. T'other side at number 19 is another young girl- she looks a bit more sullen and a bit too ironing board shaped if you ask me. She doesn't look like a cake person. I don't like non-cake persons. Not to be trusted either. Also not good for mines Mr Husband to see her bent over- he has a bit of blood pressure trouble. Over yonder you can see from bedroom window, in t'social housing, I can see in the house with the big trampoline and plastic slide and the gateaux (party size) shaped woman with fluorescent pink hair and yellow dress that was bought in the shop for skinny bitches, there is a nice young tanned hunky man who wanders around wearing just shorts. Keeping me eye on him I am. Although tis true I have only seen him from the back.

I have eyed a few bushes but none to make me green with Ivy. I don't mean Ivy- I mean envy. I don't yet have bush envy. I don't have a bush here either. So the bush and the shape it will be in will entirely down to meself. I shall keep ye updated. I see over back at number 15 she have got nice tits and a few birds I have yet to identify but tis all exciting. And I shall be back to let ye all know very soon.

Naked and Wrapped in Bubble Wrap

Well the time it seems av come me ol' muckers. Tomorrow morning we pick up the keys to the new place. We are kind of packed (not to my usual standard but I am running at a very much reduced capacity these days and so is Mines Mr Husband). He was showing signs of grumpiness this morning again so I grabbed the bubblewrap and tape gun and picked out a nice big box. He struggled quite a bit and finally he won. But he knew I meant business so he made me a nice cuppa of tea and put some music on for me and told me to get naked. 'Who runs this show?' I asked him. Apparently him as I was naked in seconds. Also wrapped in bubble wrap and put in a box. I have only just got out - tempted by some Carte D'OR Latte icecream. Then mines Mr Husband, detemined to show me how much cheered up he was did some singing to me. I have since got back in me box and taped meself up and I have place some brown paper in me ears. Probably I may be offline after tomorrow for a while because the old tenant at the new house, who is not still there by the way, hasn't paid his cable bill and we can't have cable until we can prove we are now the tenants. So, what I say to ye all is this- if ye don't be hearing from me ye can text me if ye have me number and if ye don't hear from me don't forget me. I Be like Arnie Oldsportsknickers - I WILL BE BACK!!! Be good all of ye and have super duper hugs and loves from me. And if ye are having a bad time at the moment remember I loves thee.xxxx

Naked Ramblings and Down on all fours

I am typing this from inside a cardboard box. Tis only place left in the house. Mines Mr Husband has gone missing- I think he may be lost in the maze of boxes or even packed in one. I keep hearing muffled sounds interspersed with farts. This is why I haven't bothered looking for him. The carbon monoxide thingy that's detects obnoxious fumes keeps going off- so at least I know that for the moment he is still alive. I want to find him later because I have a dead seagull for him that I found last night.

Anyways I want to tell ye  that the osteopath has told me that having arthritis in the spine means that my mobility will get worse- I guess this means that I will soon have trouble walking to my mobility scooter. I asked him if it means I will have to give up my hobby. 'What is your hobby?' he asked 'Photography and bird watching' I tells him. 'Well' he said ye can still do that'. 'Well' I told him, 'I climb naked up trees to do it'. He gulped. 'Well', says he, 'I think maybe ye should re-think it'. This saddened me. 'Ok,' I tells him, 'I will wear me hat and gloves in future'.  After the stripping naked debacle he made me lay face down on the bed. I told him I am more comfortable on all fours but he made me lay flat face down whilst he attempted to un-stick some of my bones. (And yes, it is every bit as painful as it sounds! You can gasp here!!). When he had me flat down and my poor face buried in a pillow he said 'I suggest you take up aqua aerobics'- I tried to respond but he was pushing me into the bed with his knee firmly in my back 'Aqua feckin whatabics?' I says. 'Be still and quiet' he says. To be honest I was rendered speechless. Not often that happens. Then he made me turn over and he tried to lift my legs above my head. Tis a very long time since I done that. I did warn him that it was not good to do that but he didn't listen and that was when I farted and blew out six candles. Anyways I told Mines Mr Husband what he said. I told him 'I think mines sister (the psychotic one with the camel toe and all the kids) does that aqua acrobatics stuff in her bedroom'. He gulped. 'No my darling, that is something else entirely' he says. 'My friends at the airport do thems aerobatics' I said- 'I think I could do that'. Apparently that's not the same either. Anyway mines Mr Husband is going to buy me a swimming costume. No idea what feckin for. Ye won't get me going swimming. I don't like water. Also mines brother  don't like water. Or soap. Or deodorant. Dirty little fecker he is.

Well I would love to sit and chat to thee all day but I got a tip this yer box on its side and get out there be jobs that won't do themselves and I have just spied mines Mr Husbands head over the top of the boxes- oh no wait- it's a boiled egg......

No Knickers and Ropey Cocks

I know ye are all wondering what I am up to. I bet ye all thinking I be quiet. Well I ain't. And I can tell ye it's not just Septic Blaggard who has been having a tough couple of weeks with his Fifa. Nope. I have too. Not with Fifa though. I be trying to pack boxes among other things.( Depsite a devastating diagnosis this week on my health I am getting on with the packing. Can't be stopping to beggar about with pain.) Plus I had two shocks yesterday- Marguarite Pattern died aged 99- that was the first shock- the second was that she was still alive- I thought she was already dead. In fact I never thought about her at all really. Him at number 5 with the ropey cock lit a bonfire in the middle of the day- he got a piece of my mind I can tell ye. Twice. But I still ended up getting me washing in because he don't understand feckin sarcasm. I shall let the tyres down on his mobility scooter and shove his walking stick up his arse I shall. The agent did four viewings without ringing me first. I made him grovel and apologise. Then I made him do it again. He has cancelled tomorrows viewing at 9am because I told him I would be naked and on me wrecking ball. One woman viewing worked hard to convince me her dog was house trained and well behaved. 'Mrs', I said, 'it ain't my house- I don't care if he shits in every feckin corner'. But I did point out the mould in the bedrooms. Like to be fair I do. I don't care if they let it again or not. I also seen me osteopath. Strip to ye underwear please he said. 'Underwear? Underwear?- Feck- I knew I forgot someat!'. I stripped anyway. I asked him if he was stripping too. Then he told me to get dressed again. Can't make up his feckin mind I tell ye. Well I try to catch ye all again before me internet goes off after the weekend.

Blow Job and a Pimms Please

Its been nice out here today so I said to Mines Mr Husband 'it's nice out, so get it out'- the sun bed that is (my oh my what were you thinking? what kind of a girl do you think I am?)- So I found my bikini and after waxing it I was able to slip into it easier. Then I said to mines Mr Husband 'drag the sun bed into the garden area'. He was a bit reluctant at first so I flashed my boobies at him. I put me sun glasses on and sprawled right out and shut me eyes. I was just soaking up a few rays when a sexy husky voice said 'can I do anything for you?'. Straight the way, thinking that mines Mr Husbands voice had dropped an octave or two, 'oooh yes please, I will have a blow job, a slice of cake and a drop of pimms to wash it down'. (I have never had Pimms but it sounds summery and perfect to go with cake). Anyways if you are wondering that is how I got chucked out of Homebase. But I tell ye what, they sun beds are most comfortable. They made a mistake in chucking me out of there- I may have bought one!

Just a Quickie

Sssh don't tell mines Mr Husband I am blogging. I am supposed to be packing boxes. I have already delayed it by treating him to another trip to Dunelm. He makes noises that sound pleasurable in Dunelm. I could be wrong. Also I took him to Tesco where he looked at all the fathers days cards wistfully. So I got him a dead crow on the way home to cheer him up. He was annoyed. I don't know why I bother! I took him to B and Q as well and I tried to talk him into buying some Gorilla Glue just incase I buy a Gorilla off of one of those nice adverts on the telly (it be only a matter of time). He said 'no, pumpkin, we don't be wanting feckin gorillas going all over the house gluing stuff. And you are not to buy one. We might get stuck with him'. So I may sneak back when he isn't looking and get some. I just feel I should have some - just in case. Its a nice day but I am having to wear me woolly hat with the flaps cos I can't find me hairbrush again. Its gonna be warm packing boxes. 

Catch you all laters!