Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Bikinis, Boobs and Bargains

Monday was a nice day here in Sunny Devon in the South West of England- the sun was shining very brightly and still warm enough to go out without a coat. I enticed Mines Mr Husband to the outside world and we had a road trip to the beautiful Brixham where we watched Seals frolicking and the Beautiful Torquay where we watched Kestrels catching dinner. The evening we ended up on Paignton beach- we didn't wash up with the tide or anything- we droved there. We watched the sun set- not over the sea as Mines Mr Husbands promised but over yonder hills. Well he watched the sunset- I collected sea shells and tormented the waves with my 'shall I or shan't get me feet wet' method of collecting shells. Funny though, I was the only one the whole day who was in me bikini. Mines Mr Husband didn't want to wear his.

In Torquay the £1 shop had a sale. I was most thrilled. Mines Mr Husband couldn't see the point of everything being reduced to 90pence. But I said 'look 'ere mate if I buy 10 things I have saved a £1. You stick with me kid- I will show ye thrifty'. I bought two boxes of chocolate brazils and a huge box of jaffa cakes. Mines Mr Husband said 'that don't be looking very healthy shopping'. So I chucked in a dieting book. Still he grumbled. So I explained how healthy it truly was: 'Brazil Nuts are one of me five a day-healthy. Chocolate is made from Cocoa beans- a vegetable- healthy. Jaffa cakes contain Chocolate- see above; also orange jelly- Orange one of me five day- healthy; and sponge- contains eggs that are good for you and also come from chickens. This means I have practically got a roast dinner in this basket. And on top of that there is milk in chocolate and this means I am getting calcium for me bones which is important in old people- so I am willing to share my roast dinner with you'. He just sighed.

In Brixham I heard an old man say 'Come yer and let me take your top off'. I didn't need asking twice and by the time I reached him I already had me top off. Mines Mr Husband, ever vigilant grabbed hold of me and made me put it back on. 'Why you do that and jiggle your boobies to that old man?- he nearly had coroner'.  I was a bit confused if I am honest. I did think it was a bit of a racy suggestion for a place like Brixham. I thought it may have been his birthday or his last day on earth or something. I am all for helping someone have a good birthday or a last day on earth so I am. 'He asked me too', I told Mines Mr Husband. 'No he didn't' he said- 'he was talking to his wife- she couldn't get the top off her bottle of water'. Well how the feck was I supposed to know. I would like to think I brightened an old mans day.

Thems across the road have come home with thems new baby- I am still trying to get a peak. They keep her covered with a blanket. She must be well feckin ugly. I know it is a she because they told Mines Mr Husband it is called Grace. Unless they are calling boys Grace this day. 'Tell them to call her Gary' I said. 'The world is running out of Gary's' I said. He said it was up to them what they called their baby. I still think I should have been consulted. Anyways her, the mother, (the family sized gateau shape one from Iceland with the integrated bike rack that has just had the baby called Grace), has kept her bush in very good order. It is blooming and a real pleasure to see when I looks out me kitchen window. I takes me hat off to her. Some women let thems bushes go to wrack and ruin when they have a baby so they do.

Also this week- The Russians are coming.

Naked Twerking and the Doctor

Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man. He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:

Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not in the waiting room.

If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show me yours' - tis embarrassing.

Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you are wearing knickers or not.

Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.

Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room

Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.

Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.

Just when I thought he had finished he added:

And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!

I thought I  am soooo going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!

Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!

The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said 'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.

Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit. And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again. Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)

Marmite, Nuts and No Knickers

 THIS WEEK AT THE NUT HOUSE!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said Why did you shout out "I'v got no knickers on" at the top of the stairs this afternoon? Well that confused me. 'Cos you told me too" I said. 'Yes' he said, 'but I meant at home, not at the top of the stairs in Marks and Spencers'. He never makes things feckin clear that man. I always have to work it out for meself!!

I don't think that mine's Mr Husband should suggest date nights and then complain when I trawl dating websites for some one to go with. He contradictory that man is.

Also: Mines Mr Husband has asked me if I want to go on a business trip with him in a few weeks. WTF?? 'Why can't ye takes yer secretary like every other man who goes on business?' I asked him. 'Cos I don't have a secretary' was all he could think of replying. Well tis true. He don't. Always pissin on my cornflakes that man!

THURSDAY;Well a while back mines son-in-law gived me a little tit for me cooking. Add marmite to stews and Bologneses for extra taste. Infact ye can add to anything he said. Let me tell you I have tried it and it's fecking horrible on yer rice krispies. My rice krispies are refusing to tell me what to do today. Thats cos they don't like Marmite! Also I added some to the bath last night. Not a good idea- when I got out mines Mr Husband thought I had smeared meself with chocolate for a kinky dare and chased me all over the house. He is now sulking cos he feckin hates marmite. That will teach him to keep his tongue in his mouth so it will.

ALSO -So there is a house full of PYT's (Pretty Young things) this week next door having a holiday and shenanigans. Mines Mr Husband has been pleading with me to cover him in Chocolate and throw him over the fence. 'I am horrified at the mere suggestion' I tells him- ' I simply cannot believe you expect me to waste my chocolate on such things- go round and knock on the door and wait to be invited in like normal people'. He is gone to the shed to sulk. This still worries me as we still don't have a shed.

WEDNESDAY ;Here we go- I so don't need a calender to know when we are nearing xmas. Here come the adverts. Get thee self a snow leopard or a mankywankydonkey with only three legs for the price of just three squids. Or why not treat theeself to a homeless person for christmas. To be truthful I did that a few year back now and he hasn't moved out yet- he says 'I am yer husband ye little pickled walnut and I am so staying'.(ooo- sorry Kim me ol' bean- didn't think then!! Best not mention pickled walnuts to yer Mr Husband). Although tis true I have taught him about soap, water, deodrant and such things. He only cost £26. A bargain at half the price. Anyways I have found him a nice jumper for Christmas this year. T'was just there at the side of the road. It needed a bit of attention- a few stitches and a good wash or two. Still has a tyre mark round middle but I said to him 'Will not show when tis on- every one gets a spare tyre round the middle when they gets older'. He is sulking still though. Can't win em all ye can't.

 TUESDAY: Mines Mr Husband is wanting me to lie down and take my temperature with his thermometer. Although why I have to strip I have no idea. He says he is baffled and thinks I am in need of medical attention because I went to the shops- Laura Ashley at that- went in, bought the one thing I wanted to buy. I didn't look at anything else. I didn't buy anything else. Although tis true I was quite taken with a nice tool box in Homebase as I went past and I do a have a bradawl and some electrical screwdrivers for doing things. And I really do like tool boxes. But I didn't buy it. Also I drove past Dunelm and didn't go in. I didn't even tempt myself with looking at the place. Now ye all thinks this is peculiar behaviour from me. But the truth is Mines Mr Husband hit me with a shock this week. He says he doesn't enjoy shopping- and he doesn't (in particular I note) enjoy shopping in Dunelm. He doesn't find it relaxing as I do. I am horrified. Mortified. All the days I have selflessly dragged around there with him trying to find him presents for Fathers Day, Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers days and all the days in between. I think he is the one who needs laying down and having his temperature taken and I won't tell ye where I will shoving thermometer.

SATURDAY: We went to visit mines little sister and on the way I stopped to get mines Mr Husband a nice fox. T'was dead. I thought would go nicely round his neck on a night out. It could start a fashion trend. He said 'no, thank you- I don't want it'. I said 'But you haven't got a fox yet - well not a whole one'. He refused point blank and made me get back in the car. Never let it be said that I am the mean one in this relationship- I do try me hardest.

MONDAY: Ye probably been thinking I been quiet for a Monday morning. Well I been out round the local shops making some friends and get this I have appeared in a movie. Mines Mr Husband didn't. He wasn't there. He wasn't in the mood for making friends or the movies. I asked them 'What ye doing- can I be in this film?'. They said they didn't need me. I said 'oh go on- I makes me own videos and everyfin. I have been on This morning (you know- the bulldog clip thing) and I am on Youtube Face whatsitappy thingy and I am big in Russia'. They said they didn't need me. I told them I wasn't going home until they at least let me audition for the part. They said they didn't need anyone at all. I said 'I knows, let me do a bit of Elvis singalong with Beth for ye- do anyone have any music?' They said 'no, now go away'. I ignored them. I said 'Oy you with the fluffy thingy candy floss on a stick- have ye got any Elvis music- or any music will do- I will just sing an Elvis song over the top?' He said 'no- get out of the way'. I told ye I was going to be big in Hollywood and ye gotta start somewhere so ye have. So then I surprised them all and stripped naked and danced and jiggled me boobies and me knees and sung Hound Dog anyway. And its not even naked singing and dancing day.Yay I will be famous- once one of yous kinds peoples sends some bail money. Thankyeees muchly.