Dear 'Maureen'
From the day you came into my life I knew you were never
going to be an ordinary addition to the family even though I was only two. It
is true your decision to move about as you grew worried me- perhaps I had a
sixth sense! I knew you would be trouble as soon as you started moving. We had
a close relationship though and we played together a lot. It was you and I
always. Playing grown ups. Playing the piano in the window sill. Making a den
in the built in cupboard in the bedroom. Me being messy and you tidying up. Comforting
each other when we thought there were Monsters and Men under the bed.
You were always the life and soul of the party- loud and
laughing. Kind and generous to a fault. Give anyone the last the thing you had.
These qualities you still own. However, you loved to hog the limelight- you
like attention and by Jove you got it- it didn't matter how you did it- acting
the fool until you got shouted out, starting a fight, crying continually until
mother had to cover her poor ears. Ripping her hair out. But it was all
attention. And you lapped it up. I never cared for it myself. I like my own
world cos they know me there.
Even as more additions joined the family you were determined
to keep your place. We certainly knew we had you. Your personality developed
over time. As well as wanting to be centre of attention you were a strong, wilful
but fun character. You liked to be argumentative. You liked to have the last
word ALWAYS. Your defiance was strong to the point you would stare mother out
whilst carrying out a defiant act.
You never believed that curiosity killed the cat- you could
never let anything lay. You had to know what was going on and who was saying
what. You wanted fairness. Everything had to be fair. Not necessarily so that
everyone had the same- but just so that no-one had anything more than you. Not
even one crumb. Yes, they could have less but certainly not more. Even a kiss
at xmas for me resulted in a lifetime of misery for you. Misery you caused by
your own unfounded jealousy because you thought I had another present. I won't
bother to tell you yet again I didn't because you will never believe it not as
long as you got an hole in your jacksy. You always argue you are not jealous.
But the constant need for fairness is born from the green eyed monster. No-
don't argue - it is. No- No I said No- No last word is mine this time.
You were friendly to everyone but could be spiteful in equal
measure. I know you will hate me saying that but it is true. Being the sociable
creature you are you had many friends and enemies, again in equal measure. You
were not afraid to make friends. You were not even afraid to speak to the
strangest of strangers despite how hard mother worked to impress upon you that
some strangers could be dangerous. We didn't realise that this would continue
throughout your lifetime. Your attraction to strange and dangerous. And often
men. You were never afraid to approach them.
You never had it easy at school- we all understand that yet
there many occasions when you were the one who started fights and then expected
me to take up the gauntlet and run with it to get you out of a sticky mess. But
more often than not, me being much more timid ended with the bruises and bloody
noses because you had kindly volunteered me to fight your battles with your
enemies bigger siblings after school. You caused such a huge problem on one occasion
that we even ended moving house which resulted in years of misery for the
entire family. All because you couldn't help yourself. Just couldn't keep it buttoned.
By the time you reached your teenage years we found out you
had a problem with your health that required you to wear a body brace up to
your chin. We hated seeing you like that. Our parents cried and worried and had
far too many sleepless nights and hospital visits - yet again probably in equal
measures. We had to protect you then. And we did. Fiercely. You became the
subject of much bullying because of it and even accusations of flirting with someone's
husband because you were unable to move your head properly. Although it has to
be said once you started blossoming as a young woman there was plenty of
flirting at that and more than once with boyfriends of mine. It became somewhat
a relief when you managed to bag a husband of your own.
You settled down out of our town with him and had your
family but we seen each other weekly mostly. Our child rearing methods were
somewhat different and my children were mostly easy to care for and well behaved.
On more than one occasion you told me how unfair it was that my kids were so
good and how lucky I had been. Well that was not luck- that was hard work I
will tell you. Yes - that's the secret. Hard work, discipline, routine and
knowing that whatever they were given was worked hard for and they had to
appreciate it and look after it. I am proud of my children and the way I raised
them. You always said thought it wasn't fair.
You gave your kids free reign. Your choice. We are all
different. I respect that. However this free reign was a problem especially
when visiting other people then you complained when they got told off. It
wasn't fair was it? Other people expecting your children and your husband to
behave in their homes. Damn cheek of it. You complained that your children
weren't as loved as mine. That wasn't fair either was it? It was just that I
lived closer to the family, we did have more to do with each other. But you
chose to move away. You chose to keep your family at arms length. You chose to
be more social where you lived. You kept busy. You made friends and enemies.
You had fun days out and fights with your friends. You had to be the centre of
everything going on and if people didn't like it or invite you, you always felt
slighted. It was unfair. Your husband let it all go over his head. He had more
important things to think about like working hard to quell your inner
discontent. Keeping up with the Joneses and the Smiths was hard work if it was
going to be fair.
And then there was bound to be a wedding you invited
yourselves to and needed new outfits for. We all giggled about it but now we
see this it was all apart of this nature of yours- needing to be fair. Curiosity.
The need to have everyone all getting along and everyone joining in- especially
you. Jeez we don't want you missing
anything. That simply wouldn't do.
Little did we realise that twenty years down the line it
would all fall apart most dramatically.
We always all knew you had flirted with danger- namely other
men and had a bit of fun. We hoped it ended it there for the sake of your family.
But we knew that over time your life had become one long fight and one long
misery- bloody people wanting to pick on you all and fight with you all the
time. Not your fault was it? So when
someone else showed you a bit of affection (you were always a sucker for a bit
of flirting and a bit of attention) and made the point you could have much more
fun you had no qualms about taking him up on the offer. Danger, thrill, excitement
freedom. It came with a hefty price tag though.
Your own little family thrown into disarray, even the abandonment
of a young child- the thrill of a new relationship was worth the risk. Oh and
what a risk. Even before you left you realised were with a man who was
dangerous. A man who beat women and took drugs. A man who care only for himself
and trampled on everyone else. A man who beats to get what he wants. Yet a man
who can be so charming (apparently) that he is irresistible. He takes your
breath away. He makes your heart beat with a passion like you have never felt
before. He makes terrorists look like pussy cats. Thrill. Danger. Excitement.
Even being beat is attention.
Over the years with him you provided more distress and more
worry for the entire family- as well as your own family still being in
distress. Did you care though? Oh yes, of course you did. It was fair. You like
fair. Well let me let you into a secret- it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair on
them. It wasn't fair on the rest of the family. I have tried to understand what
you were going through and tried to apply a voice of reason. Comfort. Sense.
Understanding. Patience. Yet you have used every excuse in the book to stay
with a man who can only be described as a monster. The details are too horrific
for an open letter.
Countless times you have called one or another of the family
for help to be freed. The entire family has felt pain, fear, worry, sleepless
nights, even marital discontent with partners fed up with the whole sorry saga.
In turn we have sat and consoled and comforted two very hurt and distressed
parents. Two parents who have gone above and beyond to help you- at YOUR
request. Then how do you repay them? How do you repay the rest of us? You tell
that Monster that we all forced to you leave. That we all pressured you to
leave. That we thrust our kindness upon you. We opened our homes and hearts and
forced you to partake. Such utter BULLSHIT. Your constant pleading caused us to
get involved and get you free. Then what did you do?? You ran straight into the
arms of another Monster causing even more pain and worry for everyone. You told
him the same lies as you told the rest of us. You caused more rows and more
fights. You played him off against neighbours and us. Yet again, we picked you
up, dusted you off and sorted you out. The pain you have caused to our parents
alone is shameful. And even lies to your loyal best friend because you don't
trust her. I wouldn't want to be your best friend.
Finally when everyone thought you got what you wanted, your
own place, your own space with all our help you turn round and go straight back
to Monster number one!! I cannot even begin to tell you the pain you have
caused. Not to me though. I am disappointed. I knew all along. You knew I knew
too! You had every intention of going back ever since someone told you the best
thing to do was have your own place and still keep a relationship going with
the monster because it was better. You have both missed the point of 'getting free' from domestic violence. We have
all spent the last ten years walking on egg shells. Laying awake worrying all
night. Mother and Fathers health have deteriorated greatly just with the worry
of it. YOU ARE KILLING THEM! Does that make you happy? I saw the pain in fathers eyes this week- I
heard the pain in your daughters voice - I heard of the tears shed by one
brother and the sheer frustrated righteous anger of another to name a few.. How
could you? Well I will tell how you can.
You are deceitful. You are cold. You are calculating and
manipulative. You only care about YOU. You only care about thrill, danger and
excitement and fair. You have made your bed now- you lie on it. Don't call us-
any of us. The next time you are laid beaten and bleeding and raped and unconscious,
or locked in box for hours on end festering in your own bodily fluids- you deal
with it! We are all washed up. ALL WASHED UP. You can't have the penny and the bun. You cannot
create a storm and then not expect it to rain.
And by the way does
Monster number one know about Monster number two- or that last week when you
were here you were looking for Monster number two behind Monster number ones
back? I
wonder............................
Got the point? Was it fair? Doubt it.
It needles you now, even stuff that happened twenty, thirty,
forty and more years ago. Stuff you never felt was fair. Stuff you didn't have
control over. Things you wanted to know the ins and outs of. The cats arse and
such like. You cannot rest until you know. And that is how I know you will
eventually unblock us and read this. So I know you are wondering if we are all
talking about you behind your back. I know that will bother you more than any
beating you could have. Let me put your mind at rest. We did. We talked. We
cried. We comforted each other and our parents. Then we resolved to not let you
take up any more room in our heads. So this letter is it. It's how we feel! You
are no longer taking up thought space. We are getting on with our lives now.
Hope you will be happy in yours now. With the monster. Without any of us.
Without your kids and grand kids. Hope you are have achieved what you wanted!
And I hope the Monsters in the bed are worth it.
Your Frustrated
Sister 'Christine'.
