Twerking, Surviving and Muffin Buffin

Apparently tis the end of 2017 today. Nobody tells me anyfin. Fank gawd for the TV guide is all I can say. Tis the time of year when everyone becomes a mirror and goes all reflective and a maudling. Mostly they focus on what they have lost and the bad stuff. Tis true one dear friend of mine had lost a lot this year and to you Jo I send buckets and buckets of love. Some people have gone through terrible things (I am not on about the drama queens and the constant whiners). Here at least this year we are counting our blessings - we had some near misses! For me the positives are this: I survived no less than 10 apocalypses. I made a few of you smile. I saw bears in the wood. Well I saw where they had shitted. Same thing really. I almost seen a whale. I was at the spot where many others had seen it anyways. Same thing. I visited Sunny Wales- twice. It rained. I had a fabulous new grandson Travis. He is welsh. I spent beloved time, although no where near as much as I would have liked, with my beautiful kids and grand children. I had the privilege of being a birfing buddy to my niece and being there when little William made his grand, if traumatic entrance into this world. And I was excited when little Amelia arrived in the world. She is Welsh. We are doing well with the Welsh this year. Mr husband pissed on me chips a few times but in the main he has convinced me he is simply the best husband a girl could wish for. He even bought me a flanger for xmas. If anyone wants to see my flanger in action you will have to visit it. Its not the sort of thing I can put on yer! In 2018 I will walk through the crap with me held high and look for the positive stuff. Best of all I am getting rid of my fibromyalgia. Me, Bob and Elvis will adventure far and wide. And I thank each and everyone one of you for being at my side. Except Sid. Sid has been a knob.

This is what I have learned this year:

You can only comfortably get three and a half parcel men in the cupboard under the stairs.

It is against the law to kidnap parcel men and tie them up and keep them under the stairs. Who Knew?

A whole dead badger is better than a half one.

A girl can never have too many hoovers or maltesers.

A menopausal girl can almost fit long ways in the freezer at Tesco.

A menopausal girl should always pick the dessert freezer to throw herself  into over the frozen veg.

Fortune favours the brave- yes ladies you can load the dishwasher by yourself (providing your husband is asleep or out).

Not all policeman wear underwear. (Don't ask how I know- take it from me- they don't).

This moving house crap has to stop. For me. Not you. Don't let me stop you. But don't ask me to help either. Unless you want lists of things drawing up. I can do that.

Get a feather in your knickers- you can laugh all day without one joke being told.

(Don't ask how I know!)

There are still men who patronise women out there. Kick these in the nuts with your hobnail boots girls. And kick em real hard!

Twerking naked is not allowed in the library.

If yer husband tells ye he has someat hard and long for ye to have in the bedroom don't be surprised if its a just a curtain pole!

Topless is the way to go with me new car. Except for when it rains. This is England. Two days a year we go topless. Two feckin days.

Don't watch something funny or read my status's if ye are chewing on nuts- ye could choke don't ye know. Tis true. Happened to me cousin so it did.

Twerking is not allowed in the bank - neither is whipping me nae nae.

Only candle sticks can be buffed in church. No muffin buffin.

The oven needs to be turned on if ye are baking cakes. Usually. Who knew. Plus once you have done so you are supposed to time it. And check it. Not wait til the kitchen is filled with smoke and the smoke alarm is going off.

Not all burglars want to get into bed and warm you up before they leave. Ditto Postmen and Delivery men.

Cats don't actually fly. Who knew that either?

There appears to be no laws in the Netherlands about twerking or being naked in a freezer in Tesco. Think we could make it there!

And finally everyone should be able to wear their cardigan upside down if they so desire without fear of being judged!

Naked Snow Angels, Carrots and Danders!

All my days I have been waiting for the snow. I wakes up at 4am and guess what? Yay, snow. All over the garden. I ran into Mines Mr Husbands bedroom grabbing a carrot and a scarf on the way- 'Wake up, wake up, tis snow in the garden'. He grumbled at me 'Go away, it's the middle of the night'. Well I knew that. I am not stupid am I? I looked at the clock so I did. 'I know' I said 'I been waiting all my life for snow. Do you want to build a snowman?' He ignored me. 'Well do ya, do ya wanna build a snowman?' I was going to sing the song but I don't the know words on account of not having toddlers. Well I have Mines Mr Husband but he doesn't sing it either because he doesn't want to set me off on the 'snow obsession thing' as he calls it. 'Do ya wanna build a snowman. You do wanna build a snowman don't ya. Well do ya?'  Anyways he gets cross and says 'go away'. I drag him out of bed by his branch to see the snow. He says 'there isn't enough to build a snowball let alone a man- now go back to bed pleeeaaaase'.  I started back to my room- a little disheartened at the rejection I must say. Then I had an epiphany of an idea. 'Lets go out and make snow angels. Would ya like to do snow angels with me. Well would ya?'. Then he really lost his rag. He had his dander up. And trust me ya don't see his dander very often these days. Not up anyways. I have to tell ye guys thats why at 4am this morning, if ye had been down our road you would have seen that I was laid stark naked in the front garden, with me scarf  tightly round me neck and a carrot shoved up me arse making snow angels alone. Good job I am menopausal is all I can say!

Joseph, Mary and Chlamydia

Mines Mr Husband is not a happy bunny. No siree. He ain't gonna be Joseph in the nativity play. You can guess who got that part can't you? Yep, the Granny murdering barsteward who steals other peoples promotions. They promised Mines Mr Husband can be Joseph but as usual GMB got in there and licked the bosses boots. So Mines Mr Husband is playing a tree- yep a fecking tree. I tells him, 'never you mind, trees are important- after all when baby Jesus grew up he tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem. Where would Jesus's ass be today if he hadn't tied it to a tree that day?' Further I pointed out to him 'some days you are the dog, and some days you are the tree- that's how it goes'. He cried. He said 'no, I am always the tree and it's not fair'. He cried himself to sleep. I held his little branch until was sleeping like a log. Cheryl on reception is going to play the Virgin Mary. She ain't no virgin I tell ye. I have heard the tales. I am sure the Virgin Mary never had Chlamydia. Mines Mr Husband isn't the only one who is upset either. Frank is incensed. And Harod King from the store room is going to kill all the babies. I am sure that's what he said anyway. He was sobbing his little heart out it was hard to hear him through the rustling of his leaves. I may just keep him home on the day so he don't get so cut up. Thats what good wives do!!