Getting a Grip, Large Willies and Going Metric

I love my Samsung phone ye know. 'Why do ye love yer Samsung phone Beth?' I hear ye cry. Well I tell ye. It's because of the scheduling text thingymajig. Yesterday I was able to schedule a text and send it to myself to receive at 7am this morning. I won't be doing that time again- I was still asleep and fecking woke meself up!! On the plus side I wished meself a Happy Birfday. I know the brighter ones among you will be saying 'Your birfday is surely in September Beth'. Well, the official one is I know- according to mines mother (who reckons she was there when I was born) and the birf certificate I have. But I like to have two birfdays. So I am celebrating my 22 1/2 with 30 years and 2weeks experience birfday today. I am looking forward to cake. On the downside mines Mr Husband forgot it was mines other birfday and he hasn't bought me anyfink. Good job I still got some of the icing left he bought me for last years birfday!

I have been pondering what asshole put the two words 'fun and run' together. What is fun about it exactly? I didn't think the 40 mile fun run I did with mines Mr Husband (whilst he was dressed as superman) was much fun in my sleep last night- I have very feckin sore hips this morning.

Also I ask mines Mr Husband if we leave the Eurothingymagjig will we be able to go back to feets and inches? I have never been happy with the new metric doodah not since 1971 when they changed it. Mines Mr Husband pointed out that I was only 8 at the time and I should be used to it by now. Why? Why should I? A girl knows where she is with 8 inches. I argued with him (and a very valid point if ye ask me)- who ever says ' look at that 2km of willy'. He says 'nobody because that 2km is = to 3miles (I told ye ye learns someat new everyday- who knew? )and furthermore, not only but also, who would want one that big?'. I says 'my sister probably wouldn't mind giving it a bash. She is game for anything'. Anyway he says its time I got to grips with it. I tell ye I am grappling with it- he be a bit annoyed cos he wants to get dressed- I wish he would make his feckin mind up- either he wants me to get to grips with it or he don't.

Muff Buff, Piles and Moles

Uh oh. Big Pearl hears about Dirtie Gerties singed Minge. She was disgusted. Anyways she says to me 'since the muff buff I discovered I have a mole down there'- she whispered this bit. Oooo-er missus. She wanted me to have a look!! I am not a mole expert. Anyways I had a quick look- not that I intent to make a habit of it ye understand looking at muffs moles. Turns out it weren't a mole at all. Was a Hamster! Think she sat on it again! #awkward.

On the plus side today I am taking the risk of losing my parking space and taking the pea for a run to spend times with mines little sister- (the one with the issues and the day confusion, accidental blue hair and the constipation and part time camel toe - by her own admission- I won't mention her piles cos she is sensitive about it).

Vajazzle, Singed Minge and Soap

Mines Mr Husband was upstairs at the window. No don't get all excited. He wasn't cleaning or flashing. He don't do cleaning windows if he can help it. Its against his religion. He don't go much in for flashing either. Anyways he was stood there and he shouts down 'Oh gawd, here comes thunder thighs, walking like she has lost her hoss'. 'Who you talking about?' I said. 'Dirtie Gertie, yer mate with the vajazzle'.  Remember I told you we went to the nail bar and she had a vajazzle done? Well turns out she got an infection. I had to take her back to the nail bar. I said 'we will get a taxi cos I don't be wanting you sitting in my car with an infection like that with no knickers on and I bet you ain't had a shower in a fortnight- ye be a dirty fecker'. She don't like water. Or soap. I kid ye not they had not seen an infection like it. I told her 'ye should have just had the muff buffed mate'. She can't walk at all now. They had to take the blow torch to it and now Dirtie Gertie got a singed minge. Won't be just her face she won't be able to show in there again I tell ye!

Lost, Oddballs and Crablegs

I bet ye all wondering 'where is Bulldog clip Beth' (as seen on national tv) ? Well I will tell ye. I got a little green car now called 'The Pea' . I had a little trip out in the pea. I call it the pea cos when it be parked over road between the 4year old white van man and the 5year old white van man (he must be older cos he got a bigger van) my little car looks like a little pea in a sandwich. Anyways I went to seaside in Pea. I was worried in case I couldn't find my way home again. Mines Mr Husband said 'just ask someone pickle for directions home'. So I had a nice day walking along the beachy thingy and chatting to seagulls and oddballs. Collected a few shells, a pebble or two and a crabs leg. Then it was time to come home. I looked around the car park for someone to ask directions. I found an old person and his wife. I thought 'I bet he been about a bit, round the block a few times, so I will ask him'. So I went up to him and asked three times no less cos as it turned out his hearing aid was turned off 'do ye know the way home??' He said he did. So I said 'I will follow you then'. He nodded. So that it is what I did. I didn't think mines Mr Husbands suggestion would work but here I be. I followed the old person home. I must say tis good of them to make me a cucumber sandwich and a cuppa tea. And if you ask me there decor needs a bit of titivating- its a bit old peopleish. And if I am completely honest smells a bit of wee. They need ones of thems apricot and champagne flavour candles. But mines Mr Husband wouldn't let me buy one because he says it left my lips with a waxy feel.  Anyways I have no feckin idea how to get to mines skinny bitch house from here- I hope mines Mr Husband has managed to find something for his tea!!

Bum Feeling, Piri Piri Rubbing and Small Balls

Are ye all ready for a week at Beth's again?? Brace yourself Sheila as they say in outback.

Sunday : Mines Mr Husband took me in the Co-op- t'was an experience for me I tell ye and a new experience for them. Then he took me in the Country Park at bottom of our road. 'Ye don't have to lower ye voice and go down on all fours when we are in the county park just to photograph a plastic bag' said Mines Mr husband. 'It can hear or see ye and it won't run away'. (Well how does he know what I am down on all fours for??) Anyways like I says to him- 'If I don't do that and get the feckin photograph how the feck do I know its a plastic bag??' Duh. Anyways this plastic bag is quite nice- it even got eyes and a beak.

Monday: Mine's Mr Husband was bemoaning the fact it's steak and BJ day and he has had neither. 'Feckin stop yer moaning' I tells him. 'Ye had beef Bolognese for ye tea and if ye want the other I have left hair dryer plugged in on your side of the bed'. He gone to his own room whining now. Told him not to put hair dryer on hottest setting. Numpty.

Tuesday :'Get ready to go to the hospital please pumpkin' asked Mines Mr Husband today. 'I am ready' I told him. He said 'No, get dressed- I told ye before Dr wants to look at ye lump in yer neck'. I still protested. 'Tis nipply noodles out there, get dressed', he said all masterfully. Well how could I not resist. Tis true I need to keep mines extremities warm because I have thyroid thingy. So I am ready to go- I have four items of clothing - Slippers, Mittens, Nipple tassles and me bobble hat. Mines Mr Husband is sighing and tutting. But I won't be swayed- tis what I am wearing today!

When we done the hospital thing and after the nipple twirling and boobie jiggling the Dr decided it was just a naughty nymph node playing up we went to Dawlish to take photos of the baby cygnets. Mines Mr Husband took 300 and I only managed to get a few because I was hampered by a weird woman who wanted to give me her life story- from the school she attended first and then second to how she end up with Dippy Duncan and a sick parrot. Then without warning she thrust her backside sideways at me to tell me how hot her bum was. Well that was awkward! I didn't really know what the socially acceptable thing with other woman's bums being thrust in your face was. Did she want me to feel how hot it was?? What?? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Feel it? Just Rub it. I didn't know. So I slapped it and sent her on her way. She had already noted that Mines Mr Husband would probably have a good stack of photos. I said 'so the feck would I if I weren't been feckin pestered by a arse thrusting weirdo'.

Wednesday : Mines Mr Husband gave me a sachet of Piri Piri Rub. 'What this for?' I ask. 'Tis to rub on yer Piri Piri' he said. 'Mmm, Don't like the sound of that' I says, 'sounds foreign to me- ye best rub it on ye own Piri Piri'. He spent all evening in the bathroom with a bag of frozen blackberries on his Piri Piri.

Friday: I bet ye was all thinking 'Mad Beth with the grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on national TV) be quiet'. Well mines Mr Husband is on nights so I have to be quiet or else I shall waken him. Anyways he be awake now. I been out in kitchen making truffles. Was going ok until I got to the bit that says 'Roll mixture into small balls'. I had to look around for some small balls- luckily mines Mr Husband was just passing the kitchen, although I had to feckin chase him all over the feckin house. He havin a bath now and is a huffin and a puffin and furthermore, not only but also, we have no truffles!

And before ye say -'ye missed out Thursday', I did. Ye can't expect me to have fun everyday!!!

TIts, Boob jiggling, Bushes and Lunchboxes

Diary of another week at Beths.

Tuesday : Mine's Mr Husband and I opened Frank and had a discussion. He thinks it would be helpful if I had a little job to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, mine's Mr Husband not Frank. Who the feck is Frank anyway? Tomorrow I am off to building site at end of road to offer my services. Also I can work for them as an odd carrier. I can carry bricks on me mobility walker as long as they don't want me to walk the plank it will be ok.

Monday: Well ye all knows I be having trouble with me lump. I been to the Masochist- technical term Neck lump Doctor come radiowhatsit doctor. I stripped off soon as I got in the waiting room. There was poorly peoples laying in the corridors (on beds- we not that bad here yet!). I gave them all a little poke as I walked by. Lots of moans, squeals and a couple screams. The peoples on the beds did too. The old man in the wheelchair- never moved a muscle. Think he was dead. Edna in the wheelchair who has just had her 196th birthday didn't move much too. 'How do ye know Edna just had her 196th birthday?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. She had a party popper still in her mouth and was blowing on it. I took it out. I was fearful of her disturbing the sick. Anyways according to the doctor, and they usually know these things, t'was not a party popper. T'was her oxygen. After that I didn't hear make a sound but then she didn't have her hearing aids in either so I wouldn't have. Anyways the doctor  (the radiothingymajig doctor) asked me why I was stripped off. I said 'feel my lumps'. He said put your clothes on. He was a miserable fecker. Even jiggling the boobies didn't make him smile. Although he has agreed with me and mines husband and mines dentist and mines doctor tis a lump. Tis just a nymphnode he thinks. I put mines clothes back on when I came outside- t'was very nipply noodles out there.

Also on Wednesday I realised Ben Fogle- likes to spend time with people in far away hidden places. 'He can come and live with me in my far away hidden place anytime' I says to Mines Mr Husband. He said 'We don't live in a far away hidden place'. Like I tells him- 'then I will find somewhere, somewhere hot where Ben has to keep stripping- and whats all this 'WE' Mines Mr Husband? you not invited'. He gone to his shed now. Sad really cos he don't have a shed!

Thursday : Well ye all knows I get quite excited on National Sausage day (and I do like a good quality sausage!) but today is National Packed Lunch Day- (basically same as National Sausage Day in my book). So I am off out to assess Packed Lunches in and around Devon. I may have the urge to handle one or two so I could end up needing bail money- (aw come on guys- I haven't asked ye for any for ages because I have been kinda of quite well behaved). Roll on National Orgasm Day- it came too early for me to take part last year!

Well go me! I don't do driving much these days but if mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe - by her own admission) can, then I can do it too. Mines wonderful father bought me a little pea green car to get out and about. I loves it cos it got a tray under the seat to hide cake and scooby snacks. I be well made up. So I had a little trip to Ottery (mainly cos I knows me way back from there with a good degree of certaintity). I wanted the other traffic to be aware of me so I drove down the middle of the road. Few cars are ditched but hey ho- such is life. Mine is ok. I walked proudly round Ottery telling everyone 'I drove yer by meself- no help or nuffin'. I got three smiley good girl badges and a tube of smarties. I checked packed lunches (see early status- oh do keep up!!). I forget it was pension day and all they have are cocktail sausages (like the one mines other sister cooks) and shrivelled grapes. Then I spotted two work men. I thought brilliant- they always have good lunchboxes. They thought I wanted to get past. I said 'no, just checking your lunchboxes'. They seemed ok with it. Then I said I needed to have a closer inspection. You would think they understood all about close inspections. It threw them. So would like to apologise to the one that fell in the wheelie bin and the one the fell off the curb. Hope you feel better soon- and by the way- I should sue that driver of that white van- he oughta be more careful and look where hims going.

I also been a walk to the post box. All this exercise is bad for me I be sure of it. Well blow me I have witnessed extreme bush trimming in action. All the tits are in disarray! On the plus side I got chance to check out some more lunch boxes. Nasty cut that bush trimming man ended up with- he should be more in control of his equipment is all I can say. Think I need a lie down now.

Sunday: Don't know what the matter is with mines Mr Husband. We had a lovely trip out to Dorset to see mines sister the other day. I seen lots of things I could get him for fathers day. I found not one, not two but three dead badgers. A dead fox. A dead pheasant. A dead rabbit and a dead sandbag! Did he want them? No he feckin too fussy by half. I told him he ungrateful. Its the thought that counts..