Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.

Balls, Boobies and Free Chocolate

So it seems the apology issued yesterday was not quite enough to appease mines Mr Husband and he still says that until I can behave I cannot go again. So more apologies go to:

All the people I terrified who left the water when I stood in the sea shouting 'Shark, Shark- run for your lives' - apparently it was not the shouting that was that problem - it was mines emptying the fake blood into the sea that caused the panic- so sorry about that folks- twice (because I did it twice!but it was fun).

I have to say sorry to the sea worldy place for standing and arguing with the assistant and insisting that they change the description of the white shark to grey because strictly speaking they are grey. Apparently it is not misrepresentation because they have been officially named as white sharks. Tis a big fat lie I tell ye. They are grey. And I suppose I shouldn't have pushed ye into the tank with they buggers cos you did get a nasty ol' nip from one- ye should have just taken my complaint on board and not argued back. Could have save yeself a mass of trouble and ye wouldn't have a chunk missing from ye arse.

To ye olde organ grinder - I am sorry I ground your organ so hard- but twerking be all the rage now. Also I thought ye would like to know your little cappuccino monkey has fitted in nicely with me snow leopards and me wonkey donkeys.

I am sorry to all the shoppers in the supermarket who got arrested because I told ye the chocolate was free today. Did ye not think it was a bit strange that I be standing there with me knickers on me head giving away Dime bars?

To ye man with a funny walk- I only asked if ye sand in crack or if ye had caught any crabs because I was concerned for ye. I wasn't being nosy- honest. There was no need for that language.

To ye olde man that was singing on the promenade- I suppose I shouldn't have that microphone so far up ye arse but ye really was an insult to crooners all world over- ye more like an old croaker. I apologise to the paramedics who had to remove said microphone. Also to ye bit younger man who was singing and said he had been on the X Factor- I told ye I had been on X Factor. I was mistaken. I checked with mines Mr Husband- it was the Max Factor not the X Factor. (BTW your singing is crap which is why ye are now singing on the prom in Torquay and not the stage at the O2 arena.)

To the woman with the nuclear dress - I shouldn't have offered mines Mr Husband to help ye put ye boobies back in- but he is expert with boobies and nipples so he is! How was we supposed to know you had chosen that look especially for the beach.

And finally to ye man who owned the little shop that sold buckets and spades- I am sorry I bounced all ye balls down ye road there- and I am sorry you got hit by the bus trying to retrieve them- but t'was fun wasn't it? If ye like I could visit in ye hospital- (provided it not be in one I be banned from).