Sheared Nuts, Testicles and Pussy Galore

Thursday: Mmmm Bob has flat tyres. Not a happy girly I am not. Are Bob and I victims of  a tyre hater? Or have I been a numpty and driven both tyres over something sharp? This is putting pay to my adventures.

Monday: This morning I am  toying with running through the streets with me knickers on me head, whipping me nae nae shouting 'hot bananas' and 'Justice for Napoleon- give him his eye back'. Mr Husband said 'Nooo, don't do that- last time your boobies clapped together so hard the neighbours thought it was a massive thunder storm and took cover. And even the budgie hid under his sand sheet'. However, I never listen to him and I have cramp in me foot. What's a girl to do? You can't sit still with that!

Also today I am very pleased with Mines Mr Husbands yearly report from work. It says he has been very good. He has worked hard, and he has done all the jobs properly. He has used his initiative and he has shown good 'Leadership' skills!!  I know- I am confused too. So why has not got the promotion? ??? Then it said  he worked well with ALL of his team mates. They emphasised the ALL. I think this translates as praise for not killing the fat slimy git who steals other peoples promotions. I have advised him many times 'tie the fat barstewards laces together when he is at the top of the metal stairs and then give him a little nudge'. I would. But no- he has behaved so now he is bosses pet. I wondered why he was taking an apple to work everyday. There was me thinking it was to keep the Dr away! All in all- a good report. Good Boy. Star on the chart for him this week.

 Friday: Been to see mines little sister today (the one that likes a drop of gravy in her wine and goes braless in CO-OP). We took a van again. We was chuffed. Well I was. I was able to get Mines Mr Husband a whole Venison for tea. It was deaded as a doornail. Fresh too. Also seven Badgers, A fox fur, Two rabbits, A Buzzard and an Ant Eater. Then I found two bits of lorry tyre, a bag of sand and Sofa Cushion (also very deaded- not breathing at all and ready stuffed). Good job we had a van is what I say.  Plus, four times today mines Mr Husband has let me drive past Dunelm. All in all a good day. Apart from the flat tyres on Bob situation ;-(  )

Sunday morning: Well I am all at sixes and sevens and eights today. Me top and yoga pants are on back to front. I am like a feckin raggy doll. But Mines Mr Husband is going to turn me head round in a minute so all will be well. No wonder I got octopus new roger in me neck. Also last night Mines Mr Husband declared he wanted to experiment in my bedroom on me new bed. I agreed it would make a change. This only actually means he wants to sleep in me bed next to me for a night. The condition was that he didn't snore- I haves enuff trouble sleeping as tis. He was good. He only snored loud once and then I tickled his cracked with a wire brush. (Nothing else works very well since the gorilla glue thing! - if ye don't then ye will have to go to my blogspot, Depression, Aspergers and Hats. I tell ye I am big in Alaska. And Russia for some bizztsar reason. I think the Russians got the BFG keeping an eye on me. Also I rank number 4 on Google if ye should happen to google KNICKERS or Manky Wanky Donkeys). Anyways the experiment didn't work well and I ended up in his bed because I was in pain. Then later he woke up and come in to his bed. Then I got up and went back to my bed. Then he woke up this morning and came and got back in my bed. I never even used to have this much trouble with the kids! Anyways tonight is Sunday. I spends Sunday night at Johnny Depps. So all good there. Mines Mr Husband can have the pick of the beds. Anyways we off to Tesco now for a bit o' pork - hopefully I will get chance to do me wrecking ball routine. (If ye don't knows about that either ye best go to me blogs!!!) Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

 Sunday Afternoon: SO a disappointing trip to Tesco. I did get pork. But they have hidden all the space hoppers in a bid to stop my 'antics' the security man said. Also I am banned from the wrecking ball routine, twerking or whipping nae nae in store. He also mentioned that if I do any of the following it will be seriously frowned upon:

Nibbling all the cheeses in the chiller cabinet or wine and whiskey tasting. (Apparently some shit about not being able to sell opened bottles and packets).

Pinching or smacking random bottoms because they are bent over- male or female.

Climbing naked in the freezer (what's a menopausal gal supposed to do on hot days?)

Swapping babies from one trolley to another when mums have their backs turned. Or indeed removing tantrummy toddlers from the shop and standing them in the middle of the road outside. (Once I did that! Once. Or maybe twice- but not more- probably. Some people can't let anything go).

Adding expensive (or otherwise) goods to peoples trolleys when they are not looking (ditto removing items).

Modelling the swimwear or the underwear in the aisles (you would think they would be grateful- I do it for free!)

Or asking the Manager 'How's you're arse for cracking walnuts on this fine day sir?'

Or hijacking the tanoy and announcing an impromptu sale of everything just 10p. (I don't know why - it worked wonderfully well last time- they should employ me as sales manager full time).

And no standing with the fruit and veg and asking passers by if they would like to feel my lemons. I mean melons. Or asking them if they think cucumbers and bananas are rude fruit.

And finally I have to stop calling 'Trudi' - my friend Kathy Jones because she is not my friend Kathy Jones but she is Trudi. (They are lying. She is my friend Kathy Jones because she looks exactly like her and that's how I know!)

And then the security guard said 'Put your top down and stop jiggling your boobies at me- it doesn't work- I have seen it all stood yer on this door'. He is miserable fecker. He needs sacking.

They are just not enticing me to shop in their store me thinks! Every little helps!

TUESDAY:

Well I seem to be here again. So soon. All at sixes and sevens and eights. Possibly nines and tens as well. I know ye all be thinking 'Oh no, they been experimenting in the bedroom again'. Nope. Not going there again! Tis all this night shift stuff that Mr Husband engages in. I was doing ok until hers next door with the neatly trimmed bush and the wayward pussy tells me someone was trying her front door one night. I thought someone was trying mine one night too. But I concluded it was my mind being like my bladder. Overactive. I got up more times than I can count last night to check and double check doors and windows. I am no Carol Vorderman. I prefer to think of myself more like Rachel Riley. Anyways the result is a head like a mashed banana wired into a plug socket. Mines Mr Husband says 'you go to bed naked (apart from orgasm socks)- what would ye do if someone did break in?' I said 'chase them, jiggling my boobies and shouting "don't even think about it mate- I am menopausal and I haven't had any cake for six weeks". He thought about it for a second and he said 'Yep- that should do it'. On the plus side I am having an electric man today so I best clear the cupboard ready- and find me rope and gaffer tape.

The last time the Electrician came here he went outside to turn the water off. He came back in complaining he has sheared his nuts off in my bush looking for the stop cock. I hope there is no repeat of that today. Although it has to be said I haven't trimmed me bush for some considerable time. He could be in there quite a while today...........

 Later in the day: OMG- its the exact same electrician that sheared his nuts off in my bush before. He is still suffering. He said he will not even attempt to go in my bush this time. I need a specialist Electrician. Now my name is going on a big list on the office wall! I guess it comes under unruly bushes and nut shearers.

 Evening: An interesting visit from the Electric man. He walked and took one look at me and said 'oooh I think I have been yer before- can ye remember?' 'Can I remember? I haven't been able to think of nothing else' I tells him.  Then I reminded him 'Ya told me that ya wanted to replace me pipework. Ya removed me drawers (a bit cackhanded if ye asks me), then ya decides to fiddle with yer stop cock in me bush out in the street, sheared off yer nuts and then ya tries to replace me drawers and ya left them in a twist'. Me husband comes home and he wasn't happy but like most men ya disappeared into the ether not to be found again'. He said 'tis all coming back to me'. Anyway I am on a 'list' in the office now re: sheared nuts. He came back again to see me to tell me! Never apologised though for leaving me drawers in a twist. How Rude!

WEDNESDAY: 

I will be glad when mines Mr Husband finishes this shitty night shift - I am all over the place. I am here, there and everywhere. Not knowing whether I am coming or going. Sixes and sevens up to ninety threes and ninety fours. The night before last was sitting up nursing a migraine. Last night Wind. I started off by giving the neighbours a three gun salute outta the bedroom window which by dawn had escalated to chemical warfare. Not one fired back. We call this the element of surprise. I am a trained sniper me. I have took out half an estate and all before they knew what was happening. Last time I experiment with a bread roll topped with onions.. if we don't leave some people on the estate I won't have anyone to do case studies of humans on.

 Other news this week:

Whoop Whoop- I have lost some weight. I noticed me elbows are thinner. Thats what happens when  you stop eating cake.

I found out Pussy Galores name was not real. Nope. Her real name is Fanny Everywhere.

My muvver and favver don't bovver with sex anymore. She says they just roll their eyes at each other. Sometimes she can't even be bovvered to roll his back.

By Closing your eyes & rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference!

It also gets you banned from Tesco

The landlord tells me to get to grips with over grown bush. Its getting tangled round the legs of passersby now. He says 'just yank it out from the roots'. I am sure there must be a more pain free method!

 

Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!