Cake, Pet Mats and Orgasm Socks

Just before we was going to bed last night mines Mr Husband asked me 'Could ye eat a nice pole?'- I said  'I don't know any poles'. He said 'no- I didn't be saying that- ye aren't listening are ye?- I said could ye eat an ice pole- the frozen sort'. I said to him  'Oh no, you haven't been running round the garden again with no trousers on have ye cos t'will be more like a frozen pea than an ice pole'. He called me rude and went to bed. I don't know where he gets his ideas from. Me - rude!!

I have just been taken in Dunelm by Mines Mr Husband- he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!! We saw a tin that said CAKE- I lifted the top. Liars- no cake at all. Very disappointed. Then in the next Mines Mr Husband 'Look mines little fruitcake..............' I said  'Don't ye mention cake where I am at the moment. I am still reeling from the disappointment of the last aisle'. So he said 'Look Mines little Pumpkin - A Furry Pet Rug- do ye wants one?' I said 'No- cos ye will only argue with me over who will take it for walks'. Also just above it was Pet Bowls. I would rather have a nice little dog if I am to have a pet. They got nice things in Dunelm but I didn't see it all. Mines Mr Husband said that he was in a bad mood today- so I didn't want to push me luck or he might piss on me chips. Also the pea behaved reasonably well........ perhaps it loves me after all.

Well that's one thrilled and traumatised delivery man this morning- he gets me naked (apart from me orgasm socks) leaning out the window telling him I am coming- and I turn around to see Mr Husband halfway down the stairs to open the door- also naked (minus the orgasm socks because he doesn't have them- orgasm socks that is) and shouting I'm coming and the pet bed, complete with pet bed noises, running along the hall to join in! That'll teach ye delivery man for waking us up at an ungodly hour. I mean who the feck is up at 8.30 on a Monday morning.!

I haven't given ye a Beths top tit for ages. Ye might find this useful this week with this weather. If ye decides to bury any bodies under ye patios make sure they nice and deep down and the slabs are well in place. This rain just washes them back up otherwise. I may know this from experience and I may not. Also you may need an umbrella this week.

Naked, Beards, and Crayons

Ramblings from Beths Corner of the world this week.

 I was doubled up in excruciating pain for four hours. I rang Mines Mr Husband 'Come home quick and take me to the hospital' I cried. 'What is the matter mines Little Pumpkin' he says- 'I'm in Labour, the baby is coming now' I tells him. He drops everything and rushes home. He gets halfway home and calls me 'Hang on' he says-  I tells him 'I am feckin hanging on- I am hanging from the curtain pole here waiting for ye to get your feckin arse back here'. He says 'We aren't having a baby- you don't even have a womb'. I said, 'Oh ah, that is true'. He says 'if you are still in pain I suggest you have a really good fart'. I did. I went round the house like a feckin balloon and that my friends is why I am telling you this from behind the TV.

 When I married my first husband over 33 years ago we had a gift of a set of steak knives from my cousin Jayne. When we split up he awarded me three of them- he is kind like that. However I have decided to buy us (me and my new hubby) a nice new set. I am browsing Amazon and am amazed to find they are multi task and are called Steak and Pizza Knives. Then I find a set called Brazilian Steak Knives. Now I am questioning what exactly are steak knives used for these days and what's wrong with wax? Or even just a razor?

Mines Mr Husband still has his business trip looming and in bed last night still he is asking me to go. Apparently he doesn't want to take a secretary. Strange man he is. I says to him- 'I don't wanna go cos I won't have the car and you will have to drop me off in Farnborough and I will have to mill around a cold shopping centre all day - and I can't do that with me dodgy hips'. (Aside from the fact I have to sleep in a very posh hotel with him snoring'). He looked forlorn. I says 'the only other option is that I come to work with you and torment everyone at FS'- then it came to me 'Yes' I says 'I know I could hob knob with the big knobs- I have a few things they would be interested to hear about the big fat slimy git- I could cause ructions'. He looked horrified. So do you know what he says? No? I will tell ye. He says 'I would rather you didn't cos it's not very career enhancing my little pumpkin'. I says to him 'That doesn't matter at all cos I don't have a career'. He says 'I am going to get in my own bed now'.

I have been to the Doctors yesterday. I made the appointment ages ago in case I was poorly. Ye haves to these days. We went to the snobby surgery in the village today. It doesn't have fish. Or a receptionist. Just magazines about Horses and Dogs. Horse and Hound Dog. They was playing classical music. I said to an old woman next to me 'I don't go much on that music- its a racket'- she said 'nor me, it's a bit heavy'. I said 'I think we should have an Elvis singalong'. She agreed. We was just deciding which Elvis song we should sing (I opted for Hound Dog in keeping with the magazine rack) and then an old man said 'The classical music was just his kinda of thing and he would appreciate it if we didn't spoil it'. That was when the fight broke out and the Dr came and took me away. I was just getting into that. She is always pissing on my cake her.

I told the Doctor I had earache and she said 'Have you been shoving Crayons in your ears again Elisabeth?'. (I haven't- just hair grips cos I thought the man at the chemist said they was ear grips'). Anyways despite assuring her I didn't put crayons in me ear holes she still said they was filled with wax and now I have to go and have them cleaned out. Yay- I Won't be deaf no more. I will be able to hear Elvis better. Whoohoo. Also she said 'Stop using volterol. Tis what is making your tummy painful. She is giving me Piri Piri rub instead and told me to just rub it on me Piri Piri with utmost care. She said that she is proud of me giving up cups of tea. I have told her about the cake addiction yet. She is always pissing on my cake her.

Also this week we have had the local newsletter. Well the Vicar wrote a nice little article about her new pink and purple hair do with a nice little mention of the hairdresser involved. I am not sure if it was a warning about her or not but I for one will certainly avoid her if that's what happens to yer hair. I guess the vicar will be writing a lot of these things until someone decides to build her a church.

Also it had a nice little article on the boy racers that dog the estate. No mention of an old woman in a little pea having a sing a long with Elvis. Still I be sure to outrun them policemans since I been watching lots of Interceptor programmes. I be getting lots of tips off them I do. Also they complained about the boy racers at the airport. Thats thems pilots is that. But to be fair they are allowed to race up and down the runway. They call it taking off and landing.

The town council are going to uncover the estates history. That shouldn't take too long - only three year old. T'was just a few farmers fields before then.

Also the town council are making some improvements. They have mended all the street lamps. And removed the dog litter bins. To be fair dogs don't have a lot of litter. So they didn't need them anyway.

 Finally they also showed all the pictures of the Pumpkin Party. I of course didn't get my picture in there. I wasn't invited because of my tendency to naked wrecking ball routines with me pumpkins and other peoples pumpkins as well. Next year I will wear a beard. They won't know its me then. I will get my picture of me in that magazine on me pumpkin by hook or by crook.

Tis rahter  is annoying when one of the main characters in your new, nearly finished book says 'Excuse me but could I have a different name please- I don't like the name Ernie'. I do like to please so I ended up going through names with him, Harold, Bertram, Dick, Hubert (nothing wrong with Hubert!), Arthur, George, Frederick, Albert, Abraham, Wally or - Colin. He said if that was the choice he would plump for Colin- as long as it was Colin Firth. For heavens sake- that would be sacrilege to cast him as Colin Firth. I can't have my fantasy ruined. So I told him ' Now look yer If you keep complaining about MY BOOK- I will kill you off. I am the Awfur remember'. Coming soon- BETHS NEW BOOK!! (We have decided on Mike-well I have)

  The last thing that happened this week :Mine's Mr Husband said he was popping upstairs to see a man about a dog. I heard him go in the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard a blood curdling scream. I didn't interfere. Well you don't do you when they have gone to see a man about a dog? A few seconds later I got a text from him. It read 'Pen is stuck'. So I text back 'Well use a pencil'. Mr Husband hasn't been down stairs for three hours now. Must be sharpening his pencil I guess. Or writing his memoirs. Think I will keep out of the way untill he emerges. Tis always the best course of action I think in these circumstances don't you.

Midnight Goings On, Cocks and Pineapples

WEDNESDAY: At 1.30 this morning I was forced to run down the road in just me orgasm socks to retrieve me new wheelie bin only to find two things out:
1. Mines Mr Husband, who's turn it was on New Wheelie Bin Guard duty and slunked off and hidden under a duvet on the bed in his bedroom
2. Tis awfully nipply out there in the middle of the night in November
3. It wasn't even our Wheelie Bin- ours was still safely tucked behind the pea sheltering from the winter.
At 4am I was dragging me arse around the bedroom, in wet orgasm socks looking for me 12 hour volterol because being the numpty I am I didn't think I would need painkillers before bedtime last night.
At 6am I was gasping for a cup of tea and was hoping that Mr Husband would wake up soon and give me one. And a cup of tea.
Then boom- I turn on the internet only to find that Orange is the New Black and the White House is now being run by an Ooompah Loompah who thinks that bombing all imaginary cities in fairytales are a good idea and all woman are fair game. The Queen is keep her hand on her corgi. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada and then Mines Mr Husband said it was ok- We live in Britain and we have that lovely Teresa May here in charge. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada.
I want an adventure today but Mines Mr Husband has said 'you need to stay at home today and trim yer bush cos its beginning to look like ye got hairy toes'. I said 'ye cheeky fecker- I have got hairy toes'. I think he just don't wanna go out in the cold. I was going to treat us to fish and chips as well.
On a lighter note- I have read this week that women should be having at least three orgasms a week for the sake of their elves. Gnome kidding. I don't think mines Orgasm socks are working anymore so I need to buy some more.

 THURSDAY:Whilst one half the world are mourning the fact that the White House will have a new resident, a racist, sexist, pussy grabbing, homophobic, oompah loompah, (Its all about the colours this season girlfriend!) and the other dumb ass half are celebrating because this just what Jesus ordered because it would be good for America- I am sat here filled with excitement because I am waiting for the delivery of a new, deep washing up bowl in the colour Linen. Life just don't get better than this!!

Note to Aladdin - I know my dear friend that the new resident of the White House said he will bomb your beautiful city- forgive him- He knows not what he says- but just in case I suggest you get your arse on that rug and get the hell outta there. Better be safe than sorry. P.S if you bring cake you can hide here!

You know you are in this part of the world when you pass a sign declaring you are outside BLACK COCK INN and you are out for a drive on a Thursday and you go past a railway with a sign outside saying NEXT TRAIN :TUESDAY.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said to me 'If ye don't find yer chin tweezers soon you be going to have bearded tits nestling in between yer knees.' Umph. I said 'One more comment like that and you will have your knees nestling between yer fat balls'. Keen bird watchers we be.

TUESDAY; We did go for an adventure today. I went down on me arse at the bottom of the waterfall- AGAIN! Fortunately I only walloped cracked me hip again and didn't get me camera wet. I found some good things for presents for mines Mr Husband. A lovely pair of shoes. Tis unusual to find a pair and they looked ok so they did. I could hardly contain me excitement. 'Look Mr Husbands- a PAIR of shoes for ye'. He declined. His reason? I tell ye- he said they'd be too small. I said 'Ye don't know that until ye tries them on'. He said he wouldn't even bother because He knew they was and they were. I said 'Ye can always scrunch ye toes up and arch ye foot'. Ever the pessimist he said they'd make him walk funny. I said 'no- they will just make thee walk funnier- and ye can always walk behind me and I won't notice'. Also found him a nice black leather skirt and a leopard print back pack in the same spot. I think there was probably someone wandering around naked somewhere.

On the way home I found him two dead foxes, a skeleton of something interesting (don't ask me what I ain't feckin skeleton expert) and not one, not two but 14 rabbits. I said to him 'put these on yer head'. He said 'For fecks sake woman why?' I said 'cos from a distance they looks like hairs'. Also found something unidentifiable but this is the thing with dead presents. Sometimes they are just a surprise.

SATURDAY; Talking of surprises I took all the labels off the tins in the cupboard so we could have more surprises for dinner sometimes. Tonight we had pork chops and custard. Tonight we have tinned peaches and meat balls. Yum!

Tits, Knees and a bumps a daisy........

Monday: Mines Mr Husband laying in the bath naked (cos that's how we roll in this house- naked in the bath), I even puts water in for him tonight. Then I spied two shiny round shaped things bobbing about in the water- I bent over mouth open wide when Mines Mr Husband shouts 'Ye Gods what ye doing woman?'. I said 'T'is Halloween at time for all things goolies and I am playing that game- trying to buy shining round shaped things bobbing about in water'. Ye never seen a man get out a bath so quick and put his minion trousies back on!!

 Wednesday: We had lovely adventures today. Although I did have a couple of falls and a few bumps. Tomorrow I will be in masses of pain- I just know it. On the plus side I didn't pee me pants!! On the top of Dartmoor I see a man taking a picture of me. To be fair I take pics of random people. I said to Mines Mr Husband 'Look, that man is taking pictures of me'. He said 'Why would he? you are not naked'. Well that was that - I heard the word naked and before you could say Bobs Your Uncle and Fanny is your aunt I was naked. I thought if he was going to take pictures of me he would probably like naked more. Talking of which, since I offered to strip for the letting agent when she come to take photos- she haven't wanted to take any photos since. Anyways Mr said 'Put your clothes back on - your toes are going blue'. To be honest it was a bit nipply noodles. Then a crowd gathered. Surprising really- I couldn't figure out where all them men come from. We and the man taking the photo seemed to be the only ones there and then suddenly out of bushes here there and everywhere came funny little men. Talking of funny little men on the way home we seen a lot of people dressing up as gnomes. Mr Husband asked if I wanted to dress as a gnome. I said 'Gnome thank you- tis not my kind of thing'. I do have a little friend who dresses as an elf sometimes but her sex life is her business. Anyways I hope you all enjoy my Mr Tumnus pictures. Tomorrow is going to be the saddest day. John (who ever he is) is coming to take our Jag away to the great Jag scrapyard in the sky. We shall cry. We shall need cake.

 Tuesday: Think I have perfected this fringe cutting thing because now I have worked out if I get the scissors at the right angle I can do me eyebrows at the same time and get this- in line with me fringe. If I practice a bit more I may get to include me bush- tis nearly up to the kitchen window now. This morning Mines Mr Husband said 'I see you have been cutting your fringe again'. I asked him 'How can you know this?'- he said 'because of all the hair on your chin- or it could be that you just haven't shaved today of course.......'. He be skating on thin ice that man.

 Sunday: Mines Mr Husband came rushing into the house shouting 'Grace, Grace'. Immediately I went down on my knees and clasped my hands 'Dear Lord, Make me truly grateful for what I am about to hopefully receive'. Mines Mr Husband said 'Dear God Woman, what are ye doing on ye knees?' 'I am doing as ye said, I tells him, I am thanking the Lord for what ye are about to give me'. He looked a bit confused - 'I was just going to give the ye the news that the new baby across the street is called Grace'. Always pissing on me chips and disappointing me that man.

 Friday: So today is the first day we wake up without our beloved Jag. Mines Mr Husband has taken my pea and Elvis and gone to work. I said 'What if I need to go somewhere?' He said 'there is a train at the bottom of the street'. Tis true there is. Trouble is it don't stop at Dunelm. Note to self : Ring the people who make railways and ask if they can have the train stop at Dunelm. On the plus side I heard you can get molested on trains. Might give it go. 'You never know your luck until yer drawers is down', me mother always says. The quicker Mines Mr Husband saves 36grand for his new Jag the better if ye asks me. Unless anyone out there got 35 grand they don't want I reckon we could raise the rest.

 Saturday:  Mines Mr Husband said to me 'If ye don't find yer chin tweezers soon you be going to have bearded tits nestling in between yer knees.' Umph. I said 'One more comment like that and you will have your knees nestling between yer fat balls'. Keen bird watchers we be.

Thursday: I went sailing. Bobbing about on the waves. Well when I say sailing- I had just had a bath. Then I created a vacuum with my bum and created waves. Same as sailing. Thats how we roll here when we want to go sailing without a boat!