Cockle on a Rock

Hello me ol' beauties. I am back from mines holidays in the wonderful Bude. Today I am going to tell you all about the adventure we had at the beautiful Hartland Quay and Speke Mills Waterfall-

T'was a bit of trek for my poor body but mines Mr Husband worked out how far it was to get there. T'was the same amount as back. We had a bit of a conflab because he wouldn't let me take me mobility walker - he said 'Ye can't take that ye little fruitcake - it be a narra, windy and rocky path up the side of a steep cliff'. I protested 'what if I needs a sit down'. Undeterred he said 'ye shall have to sit on the cliff edge'. So up we went. T'was worth the walk and worth the pain - the views were magnificent all the way up- well I was in front of him. The views I had over the sea were equally magnificent. When we found the falls we were in photograph heaven. I took pictures every which way I could. 

We stood breathing in the beauty of it. I looked at an adjacent cliff (look at me using big words an all)- I said to mines Mr Husband 'that would be a lovely cliff to photograph this from'. He looked. 'Ah', he said , T'would indeed- but far to high and far too dangerous to climb'. I sighed. I carried on photographing this way and that- with this camera and that. Then I looked across at the adjacent cliff again (there I go again!) and I spied a little man on the very top perched like a cockle on a rock.

 I said to Mines Mr Husband 'look at the cockmuppet on the top of the dangerously high cliff- there's always one cockmuppet who puts hiself in danger'. He never bothered to answer. Sometimes he doesn't answer me. He pretends he can't hear me. Then he says 'you speak too softly'. Then usually I say 'the's wanna wash ye ears out'. But sometimes, like this time, he just pretends he didn't hear me. I carried on taking photos of the waterfall. And a field with all black sheep in. Feckin brilliant idea if ye ask me. That way no-one feels the odd one out. Round all the black sheeps up and put them in one field- bit like my face book page. I turned around to point out the black sheeps to Mines Mr Husband- and there he was - GONE! Oh my days. I couldn't see him anywhere. I peered over edges of cliffs and I couldn't see him. There was no trees for him to hide behind. Then I looked up at the adjacent, steep and dangerous cliff (and again!!) and I pointed my camera at the top and zoomed in- Oh Lordy Lordy! I couldn't believe mines eyes. T'was mines Mr Husband- mines very own cockmuppet doing an impression of a cockle on a rock on the very top of the steep and dangerous cliff. He looked very concerned and very worried. Well who wouldn't be?. I thought 'oh feck- he doesn't know how to get down'. So I ran around in a little circle whilst I thought what to do. Then I shouted - 'who's thee next of kin? Where did ye put the insurance policy?' And then I shouted 'throw the car keys down to me'. Well I didn't wanna be stuck there all feckin night now did I? Then I thought 'Calm down, calm down- what do other people do when their cockmuppet gets stuck at the top of a steep and dangerous cliff?' I thought hard and then it was like someone switched a light on in me little head. I reached in me pocket and got me phone out. 'Take it for emergencies' mines Mr Husband had said before we left. This was just such and emergency. And that mines friends is how I managed to get the video of him coming down the cliff on his arse like a toddler coming down the stairs.............Suffice to say he had to change his trousers when he got to bottom- they was all covered in feckin mud! Sadly can't upload video to here because its too big- bit like the cliff top that mines Mr Husband sat upon!

Giving a Blow Job the right way....................

Another funny week

Tuesday - I can't believe what a misery arse mines Mr Husband is. Would you believe that now, not only I am not allowed to take my ironing board and exercise bike on holiday- he has actually made me unpack the ornaments and three pictures I had packed. He says we are going for a week and not feckin moving in. I know that ye eejit husband. I always think ye needs to make yeself feel at home on holiday. He said 'as it is ye have only booked us in three miles down the road, we can pop back if ye needs to see ye feckin ornaments'. Don't know why I bother sometimes!

Thursday - Oh my- you should see the tiny bit of clothes Mines Mr Husband has packed for holidays- whoopee- leaves room for ornaments!! Also he has packed swimming trunks- I have asked him 'what ye packs they for to go on holiday?' He said he might go swimming. 'Well', I said to him 'Ye haven't in 12 years, so I don't see it happening now'. So I took the swimming trunks and replaced with an ornament. Taking up feckin valuable ornament space with feckin trunks. What next? I asked if it was ok to take books. He said yes- I thought he would. He likes books. 'Good' I said 'how many boxes of books can I take?'. He looked at me (somewhat despairingly I thought) and said ' One. One book. Not one box'. Feckin cheers Mines Mr Husband- we only have the cookery books unpacked so far. I am opting for the 'greedy girls cookbook'. I am not letting him share mine. He might want to start experimenting in the kitchen and that always leads to heartburn.

Wednesday: So Far mines Mr husband has unpacked : The hand held cleaner; the bath mats; shower curtain; spare shower head; ornaments and three pictures; picture hanging set; hammer; set of saucepans (they always of have old knackered ones on holiday that your food sticks to); frying pan (ditto); set of basins; electric whisks; electric heater (WTF? it will be sure to be cold- and I know it is central heated but it might not be on!) However he has let me keep packed matches; pens; torch; and a ball of string.

Friday -

Well that was one of those nights that you wish you hadn't bothered to go to bed! Two hours sleep. Awake for five hours and one hour nap! And to top it all MMH was sat on the edge of his bed last night in his nuddy pants after his bath (cos that's how we bath in this house - call us old fashioned) I was just out of the shower also in my nuddy pants (cos that is also how we shower in this house) down on mines knees getting the hair dryer out (unbeknown to MMH) when he unwittingly asks for a blow job. I don't think he will be so quick to ask in future! He will at least check l am not holding my super duper hairdryer in my hand. I don't know whether it was the extra hot setting that did for him or the diffuser attachment. Either way it will be sometime before he can walk straight again!!

We did engage in some pillow talk last night (after the hairdryer incident) where it transpired that Mines Mr Husband lives with me and exercises great patience and tolerance. I asked why? Why the feck? He didn't seem to need much time to think about this. Apparently I have a lot of quacks and fur balls. One of them he suggests is that I am very clean but not very tidy. I pointed out that he is very tidy but not very clean- and I know which I would rather be! Cleanliness is next to Godliness me ol' granny used to say. She also used to say put clean knickers on when ye goes out in case ye gets hit by bus. I guess ye don't want all the passengers on the bus saying 'did ye see the state of her drawers?'. Anyways, not only but also, mines Mr Husband, now living dangerously continues that I lack 'logic'. What the feck??? 'I am,' I tell him, 'the most logical person I know of '. He says 'well ye don't now many peoples do ye?'. I have to remind him I am big in Alaska. Then he tells me I am beautiful (altogether now - AWW) then, get this, he claims that he is the one with the brains. 'Yes,' I says 'they are in your little furry balls' (which incidentally now dangle from his ears). I am not the one who went on a national game show with a head full of useless knowledge that didn't win us any money because I was sidetracked by a damsel in distress and therefore I forgot to use my brains. Now he is going to write me a list of all my quacks and fur balls. There could be another divorce statistic looming me thinks! He wants to be grateful we don't have enough feckin paper in this house for me to write a list of his!!

AND REMEMBER this guys - Happiness comes from within- that is why it is good to fart.

Sexy and Sultry Rude Girl

A funny old week- and in this order too........

Monday - Great evening in bed with Elvis again. No wonder me feckin hips are knackered. All that gyrating. All that singing, well the neighbours called it something else but I sure as hell don't remember feckin what. Can do it all again tomorrow night. I likes to be giving them a treat of my singing. I am sure that in time they will be enjoying it more. Last week according to mines Mr husband some came to the door with requests. 'What they request?' I asks him, getting me singing voice ready for more delightful sounds.  'That you shut the feck up' he says. He lied. They loves me really.

Friday - 'Happy Birthday to a wonderful sexy woman'- mines mr Husband read the text from my phone. I thought 'uh oh- here we go'. 'Why,' he asked, 'in Gawds feckin name have you sent yourself a birthday text'. 'Well', I said , 'I thought I may not get such a fabulous text from anyone else- and to be fair I didn't'. He left the room shaking his little bald head from side to side. I don't mean its bald from side to side- its more from top to bottom really. No he was shaking his head from side to side. He was muttering about little white jackets and straps. I think that's what he wants for his birthday. See what I can do- ever obliging am I!

Tuesday - Mines Mr Husband just asked if I know how to play chest. No sooner had he got the words out then I whipped me top off and me boobies out. 'No, no-' he cried- ' I said chess- not chest- you rude girl put your clothes back on'. I pouted (I have a very sultry sexy pout apparently- although its more likely to be wind these days!) 'lets not waste a good opportunity now I have them out' I pleaded- but no- he ran into the kitchen to do the dishes. I just don't understand mines Mr Husband sometimes!! On the plus side I think from now on I know how to get him to do the dishes....

Tuesday also -Watching Kate Middletons' hair dresser on cutting your own fringe- so you not supposed to cut it off in clumps! Mmm- can't see me changing that- I gotta cut what I can feckin see mate. Get the Kate Middleton look? Yeah- lets go for it- hopefully I will get meself a nice Prince William too......

Sunday - Mines Mr Husband thinks by evading the question 'Darling, how do I put the heating on myself' I will be thwarted. You would think after twelve years he should know me better. Ah- good old you tube- tonight when he is at work that thermostat is going to move up a notch or two and in the morning when I am forced out of bed at an ungodly hour when he decidest to clamber in and snore me out I shall be nice and warm as toasty. Don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth!!

Saturday - I said to mines Mr Husband ' Seeing as I am struggling a bit with my mobility around the house I thought it would be super nice if we got a little helping hand around the house'. He knows it makes sense and it would save him having to wash up. He raised his bushy eyebrow- (yep guys- he hasn't done anything to his- they are all his own) he never spoke, he just raised his bushy eyebrow- with that 'well go on then, lets hear this' look. So I carried on. ' A maid we should have, a live in maid- to help me with dressing and undressing, showering and bathing, cooking and cleaning etc'. He raised his other bushy eye brow (yup- he still has both)- he looked more interested. His eyes lit up. 'And, erm where would this maid sleep my little pickled pumpkin?'- he looked a tad bit too hopeful if ye should ask me. 'In with me of

course- everything should be above board', I told him. He didn't seem sure. 'It shall be a naked maid'- I said. His bushy eyebrows stayed raised and his eyes lit up more and come out on stalks. 'Naked you say?' I nodded. Now he definitely looked more interested. 'Yep, naked' I continued- 'well apart from his dickie bow and his socks of course'- and that my friends is how the fight started.

Mines Mr Husband found out that I had packed the bath mat to take on holiday, (well I told him-I had to because he had to move the suitcase) but now he says that 'it is not normal to take your bath mats on holiday'. I said to him 'Bath mats need a feckin holiday too ye knows'. He ignored me and went on about how much the apartment was costing and it should be fully equipped so I was to unpack the bathmats, all the bedding, the shower curtain and the extra shower head. Also we only have a car and we are not hiring a feckin van just to go on holiday and why can't I be normal. I said 'I don't know why ye can't be feckin normal- I really don't'. Anyhows IMHO- ye can't be too careful when ye goes on holiday behinds other people. Other peoples can be dirty feckers and I don't want to be getting veruccas. Then he asked (cos he be damn nosy) why I kept staring at number 53 across the road and tutting. 'Tis because she at number 53, Mess (t'other half of Porky), she with the integrated bike rack (I have seen it when she was bent over pruning her bush) has left her kitchen cupboard door open and has gone out. And I am wondering why a) she has left it open - it is impairing my vision of her kitchen and b) where she has gone. Nobody tells me feckin anything g round yer.' Now he is tutting.

Tuesday - I learned they have name a place Wensleydale- you know after the cheese in Wallace and Grommit. I reckon they would feel right honoured to know that.

Shiny Taps, Obesessions and Pork

Well to be honest I was a tad disappointed with the birthday- twas a bit flat but all my facebook friends made me soooo happy. Also one little present from a person who truly is struggling made a lot of a difference. Being taken on a train track (twice) isn't normally my cuppa tea- but at least we had plenty of time given that there is a good five minutes betwixt trains. Mines birthday was made better by mines Mr Husband pointing out that actually I was 21 with 31 years experience and not 32 like I first thought- so I think I have gained a year! Yipee.
Also I dreamt I was shooting a stalker (not mine- someone elses- I would never shoot Johnny Depp)- in the head. Nothing was happening but the bangs were deafening. Then I woke up and realised it was just mines Mr Husband backfiring. I think his pistons are gone actually. I am still going back and forth and admiring mines shiny taps in mines bathroom- I think I may have developed a little obsession. 
Mines Mr Husband thinks it is not normal for a woman to pack the bathroom mats to take on holiday-I am sure I cannot be the only one?  What I haven't mentioned yet is that I am also packing a nice clean shower curtain and our spare shower head as well. Ye can't be too careful with stuff other peoples have used.

Well me ol' babbers that be it for today. Me Feckin hip is giving me jip and I have taken something nice and strong- looks like mines Mr Husband will dealing with his own pork this afternoon. I so hope he remembers the apple sauce.x

Happy Birthday and Sex on the Beach.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes and messages. It didn't look like it was shaping up into much of a birthday especially after Mines Mr Husband said I could have sex then cancelled both Johnny Depp and Colin Firth. Anyways we started off in a little place called Starcross near Dawlish. Seemed T'was just us two. Then, betwixt you and I, I think Mines Mr Husband was trying to get rid of me. First he took me across a live railway line. Very dangerous place to take someone with arferitis, but I can recommend it if you want to put a spark back in your relationship! Then he enticed me down some very dangerous steep steps onto a little used shingle beach. Well little used by peoples, much used by lots of birds though. We seemed to walk for ages. I tell ye, Mobility walkers are crap on shingle. I kept saying to him 'Mines Mr Husband, are you sure this tide is going out?' I tell ye I am the brains in this outfit. He kept saying the same thing 'I be quite sure mines little pickled pumpkin'. After a while he took me under the railway bridge- so say to see the kingfisher. To be fair I did catch a glimpse. And of the kingfisher. We just be settling down on a nice sunny patch of shingle and I started shouting 'It be coming, it be coming'. Mines Mr Husband said 'Not yet- I haven't got me coat off yet'. I panicked ' No look ye behind ye, the sea it be coming'. Again he tried to reassure me that it wasn't but he took a closer look. 'Mmm, yes' he said , 'I think ye probably right my little pickled pumpkin'. Oh my I thought I was going to drown right there and then. 'Would it be a good time to tell ye mines Mr Husband that I can't swim?' as water lapped mines feet. I tell ye, I am lucky to be alive-especially as he took me on the live railway lines on the way back as well. It be a good job I had me birthday suit on. There was a notice  with the Samaritans help line number on it on the fence. I took it off. I have saved for him. He will need someone to talk to if he tries to kill me again.

P.S. It was exciting having a birthday on a Thursday. I have never had a birthday on a Thursday before. It is always a Wednesday or a Friday.

Sex and Icing, The Pope and Haddock for Tea

I have been reading my emergency booklet. The government want us to keep alert. Well they be buggered cos I ain't doin' that. First they want us to keep migrants and now they want us to keep feckin lerts. I suppose they are gettin' in under the lorries as well now. Bet they want benefits as well. Well all the lerts can just feck right off. I gave mines Mr husband a number for antiterrorist from my booklet. He said 'no thank you pumpkin, I have heard enuff about your auntie terrorist and she sounds too scary for my liking'. Tis true. She is. You wouldn't want to tangle with her. Even the terrorist wouldn't want to tangle with her. Tomorrow mines Mr husband is going to town for icing for mines birthday. He also said I can have sex for my birthday so I am ringing Johnny Depp in the morning. Oh yes my friends I got life sorted. Also my cousin says that the terrorist are going to Rome to take the Pope out. I think that is a lovely gesture. Poor old Pope- sat in that feckin Vatican day and day out without seeing a feckin soul. I think it will be nice for him to get out and get a bit of fresh air. I wonders where they will take him? I reckon it will be nice if they stop off at Asda's as well and let him get a bit of something nice in for his tea. Nice bit of Haddock or something. Who says these terrorists are all heartless?

Swinging from the lampshade, Male Strippers and Icing

If Ye think I haven't been about much this week - well I have been busyish. First I had a new haircut. Well when I say new haircut- it's be the same hair and  Icut it meself as usual. I have since had a stiff neck cos me head needs cocking on one side now to make it look level. I knew this would happen as soon as mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) went away. Secondly we booked a surprise holiday for our 6th Wedding Anniversary later this month. Mines Mr Husband is all excited. I don't know why- the surprise is that I am going with the male stripper I have booked for mines birthday-and that be a surprise for mines Mr Husband too! Mines Mr Husband has asked me what I would like for mines Birthday. I told him I don't need anything and I would be happy with a birthday card and a cake with Icing. He just looked at me puzzled. 'Ok,' I said 'just the cake with Icing'. He still looked puzzled. 'Okay', I said 'just the damned Icing- as long as I don't have to roll it out meself'. So looks like me birthday will be me in me birfday suit and party hat in bed all day with a packet of Icing. Beats sitting in front the Jeremy Kyle show eating jelly out of a packet. Of course it has already started- birfday cakes eyeing me up from the shelves in the shops and asking to come home with me. Thirdly I had an 'emergency' dash to the osteopath when one of mines legs decided it really didn't want to play anymore. I thought mines osteopath he seemed like he was a) drunk; b) suffering from dementia. I thought 'mmm I have more to worry about than farting when he tries to lift mines leg above mines head today'. Then he started rambling about not doing what the other osteopath who had left wrote in mines notes. I told him I never seen the other osteopath because he had left. He argued a convincing case I must say. At first I thought 'Bad leg or not cocker I am going to get off this feckin bed in a minute and swing for ye-' (and not from the lampshade like I do for mines Mr Husband!). Then I thought that I was a) either drunk or b) suffering from dementia. He even brought my card over to show me the notes mines 'other osteopath' had written. 'Look', he said triumphantly, 'Richards writing; Your card'. I looked. Could have been Richards writing I agreed. Equally it could have been Uncle Tom Cobbley's. Then I look at the name. Mrs Kathleen Lucas. There didn't seem to be something right about that. Then It dawned on me I am Mrs Elisabeth Lucas (although not according to EDC- according to them I don't even exist). I triumphantly pointed this out to him. It took a while for it to dawn on him and he ran from the room leaving me half naked on his bed. Now I don't mind being half naked on a bed (even tied down) but when a man runs from a room............I thought-'well, thats never happened before- ye must be losing ye touch gal'. On his return he apologised and I said to him 'You eejit you- good job ye never feckin operated on me'. Anyways by way of making it up to me he did give me a damn good seeing to. He even asked very nicely if he could hold my bum whilst he pulled my something or other. 'Hold away' I said. Anyways leg marginally usable now and he repeated that I am not to do any jogging or climbing. Finally I have started a Dignitas Fund- I need £7000 and I have managed over the past year to save £40. I am saving in Ernest. He is my piggy bank. I only need £6000 and some more to go and then I am off to Switzerland to see Sven for me cheerio's. And before any of ye starts I tell ye this- I don't want to live until I am 103 or even 53 (omg- that's next year) in this much pains in a feckin nursin home chosen by mines darling children - (although tis true I have given this task to mines beautiful niece because she knows If I really need one of these places I need one with hunky male nurses). I want to go out of this world with a smile on me face sliding sideways down a Swiss mountain call Sven- I think he said something about his mountain. Or my mountain?? Anyway mountain was definitely mentioned. I hope you all had a better week than I.xx

Bushes, Bike Parking and Nipples

We was watching the advert for the new Vauxhall with the integrated bike rack. 'That be nice' said mines Mr Husband. 'Mmmm' I says 'I know someone with one of thems'. He was curious then. 'Who do ye know my pickled pumpkin with a new Vauxhall?' I don't know what he was on about - 'No-one' I says- 'I know someone with an integrated bike rack- her across the road- the family size gateaux shaped one- I've seen it when she bent over tending to her bush'. Mines Mr Husband looked very shocked that I noticed things like this- but I have all day to observe such peculiarities when he is at work. I also think tis a bit nippy tonight. I been out to get mines washing in. 'Tis bit nippy noodles out there' I said to him on my return- 'Put ye feckin clothes on then on- it not be good for ye nipples' he said. I nipped next door to she that be shaped like an ironing board. 'Do ye think it be cold me dear?' I asked her. She agreed- 'Yes, it is a bit chillier' she said. 'Turn thee heating up a bit then' I said- 'We feckin freezin in yer'. I don't think there was any need for her to take a swing at me. Tis supposed to be all economical this all electric, skinny bitch house. T'would be more economical if she would turn her feckin heatin up!! And on the plus side I have booked an anniversary holiday treat for me and mines Mr Husband- seeing as it is as anniversary on the same day as mine. I am beginning preparation for grand adventures!!