Twerking, 5 a day, Cooking Heads

 SATURDAY-I bet ye thinking I be quiet. Not really. I dragged mines Mr Husband out of the house this morning for a trip to Dawlish. I didn't want to go particularly to Dawlish I wanted to go somewhere else but I couldn't for the damn life of me think what the place was called. So Dawlish it was because I had to say something before mines Mr Husband got very angry with me and I was determined to get that man off his arse and into the fresh air. He sulked. He swore at all the other drivers on HIS road. He wasn't even happy when I yelled 'STOP! I see a dead buzzard'- He can be ungrateful- I was going to get it for his collection. I got him not one, not two but three dead badgers last week. Was he grateful? Nope, feckin misery guts. He shivered and moaned all the morning despite being wrapped up in his Scottish Highland 200 year old anorak and his tartan blanket. Tis cos he is old now. I walked all along the seafront basking in the sunshine- t'was warm and cold at the same time but invigorating I felt. Was he feckin invigorated? Nope. He was blue. So I took him for coffee to warm him up and I told him of my plans to get some strong hiking boots, a pop up tent (just like the one in my Three Little Pigs book- what ye mean ye haven't read it?? Why not??), and a sleeping bag, and a shopping dilly (I got dodgy hips don't ye know?) and then I will be off to travel by my own around the globe. If mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion and constipation) can do it so can I. Do ye know what he said to me do ye??  No? I will tell ye. He said 'Give me some warning of when ye will be leaving and I will make thee some bread rolls to take'.  Umph.

SUNDAY - It has happened. Mines Mr Husband has learned that twerking is a sexually provocative dance. He has now forbidden me from twerking against strangers in Tesco. I asked him what he thought I had been doing all these years. He said 'Farting and then shaking the glitter down ye leg'. Tut tut.

MONDAY -Well big day for me. I ventured outside on me lonesome. I don't do this much. There are people are out there don't ye know. Tis true I only went to the Co-op round the corner. I bought some padded envelopes because they seemed such good value. A box of chocolate biscuits because I need a treat. Four bounty bars because Coconut is good for you - so I hope ye will all feel the benefit of me eating these. Also Mines Mr Husband hates coconut so I always opt for these because I know he won't do secret eating of my chocolate. And I hear ye all asking what else did ye buy Beth? Well I tell ye. I bought a carrot. Just the one. Well I only needed one. One will be plenty. Woman at checkout held it up after checking out other stuff and give me a sideways glance. 'Tis ok', I assured her- 'I am going to eat it- it forms part of my balanced diet. Tis one of my five a day-it goes with the four bounty bars'. Now of course if they had done bounty bars in packs of five I could have dispensed with the carrot altogether. But sadly the government peoples say we have to have five a day- That's chocolate bars and orgasms. Also mines husband is going to be hob knobbing with all the knobs at 'THE' office this week so I need a treat- tis a bit of comfort food. Well ye can't blame me.

 TUESDAY;Whoohoo- tis Tuesday. I like Tuesdays. Tuesdays are orange . Even when tis grey outside, tis an orange day. I do happy things on Tuesday like houseworky stuff. Today is a bit a different though because Mines Mr Husband has gone to 'THE' office to hob Knob with the big Knobs (I did tell ye all this yesterday- keep up).  This means two days and a night to mineself. 'What will ye do when I am away mines little pickled pumpkin?' he asked. I gave him the same answer that I always gives him when he goes away 'I will do the same things that ye would do if ye was left alone for days' I tells him. This ensures he soon comes back. Actually I shall probably be watching mines new DVD of Paddington, or I might watch the Minions again- or even Shaun the Sheeps. I shall curl up with mines five a day (four bounty bars and a carrot) and I have a bottle of coconut juice and pineapple (I do believe it has a splash of rum in it)- so I might have a drop of that. Colin Firth have also mentioned he may pop by. I think that was what he said.  I helped him pack his suitcase (that's mines Mr Husband not Shaun the sheeps or Colin Firth- Colin won't be needing clothes here- it is a really nice warm house). Tis true he is big enough to pack his own case these days but I had to him help guys. He only packed one pair of knickers and one pair of socks and one shirt. What kind of packing is that? 'Why only one of everything', I asked him. 'Cos I am only going overnight pumpkin- tis all I will need'. He said he might be going clubbing so I have packed his club and his seal skin. Ye can't be going clubbing without that. He hasn't even packed a choice of footwear or hairdryer. I have packed him some ornaments and a bath mat. These hotels tend to be a sparse. Anyways today I have to finish knitting a turtle so I can't be doing bloggin all day. But before I go I say have a massive happy 50th Birthday to mines little sister (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). Tis not her birthday but she needs reminding she is 50 cos her memory is shite.

Headlines today:' Cohabiting is reducing the divorce rate'- well who the feck would have thought it. Where would we be without feckin journalists eh?

Also They be talking about Christmas on loose women and asking if ye do cook a head for xmas day. Well to tell ye the truth we usually do a bit of lamb (or egg and chips if it falls on a weekday- yes guys I even doos me washing on xmas day)- but this year I have been thinking of cooking a head. Then I am thinking of using the hair and teeth to make a nice necklace and using the skull for a soup bowl. Must thank my girl Anna for the idea and the recipe. I don't have ye olde head yet but all I can say is don't anybody be pissing me off before xmas cos it could be your head I will be cooking.