Strawberries, Champagne and HRT

Mines Mr Husband says to me 'I want to cover you in champagne and strawberries and eat them off you'. Ooooer. He can be so rude sometimes. I was lost for words for a few moments whilst I thought about it. 'Could ye not use Baileys instead?' I asked. He said 'Now look here this is my fantasy not yours'. Oooer. Then he said 'What would you like to cover me in?' So six foot of soil is not the right answer. I know that now! Blame the doctor- tis her fault. Tis ever since she mentioned HRT for me menopause. If ye are wondering what HRT is- tis Husband Replace Therapy. Tis true. Anyways we off to Tesco now for Champagne. We have Strawberries. Well they are tinned but still they are strawberries.

Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Truffle Ass, Big Knickers and Biscuits

Little whiles since I updated but we have had family drama and it is true drama needs an audience. Sometimes the players pull you in and suddenly you realise- not your circus and not your monkeys. Its fair to say I have pissed some people off this month by opening my gob and letting the truth out- which apparently hurts. So I have rested from social media and the family and I am recharging the atoms.  So what have ye all missed then?

I don't know- I feel weird about the world also at the moment- you got the truffle assed orange head oompah loompah man toddler who is running America and the little cock waffle with a funny hair cut from N Korea dancing about each other like to two kids with their fists up in a playground spoiling for a fisty cuffs- only a million times more dangerous. You got the other fuck nugget with another funny hair cut from China trying to bang their heads together and the other ass wipes from the other countries over there waiting to shout 'fight- everybody- quick its a fight'. I am here wondering what the difference is between cod liver oil and caster oil and whether I should stop worrying about that and run down the street naked shouting 'Jesus wants for me a sunbeam'- or to hold Mines Mr Husbands hand, sing Kumbyah and then put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye. Decisions, decisions. In the meantime I think it is good  nip to Tesco and top up the malteser supply. May as well go naked. Nothing to lose now.

The Easter bunny came in our house. That's it. He be a dirty fecker.

Also a new car, called Bob, came to live with me. We are going for topless adventures with Elvis, but at the moment it is in the garage having a couple of little jobs doing. I like going to the garage. Tis next to a gym and there is always hunky men working out outside. Sometimes I lift my top and jiggles mines boobies. Tis true there has been one or two groin strains but they should be keeping thems on minds on what they are doing. Also Mines Mr Husband has been pissing on my chips and he wouldn't let me bring Bob in and park him on the rug. Bob is lovely and needs parking on the rug. I just can't understand why that man won't let me bring Bob in.

Also I had new knickers. Mines Mr Husband treated me - however they are big girl pants for tough days. In fact they are so big they comes to and covers me chins. Bridget Jones got a lot to answer for so she has. Also got me a big roll of polythene. I am ready for a chemical attack almost. Just need to get some gaffer tape and I am ready.

 There was much excitement one night here as I was awaiting delivery of a new gravy separator the next day. One more sleep. Yep I know how to live the life here. It will be more exciting for the delivery driver though cos I may just lift me top. If he gets here early I may not even be dressed. It can go one of two ways- he can be really thrilled or he could be really distressed. Who knows? Just rang Mines Mr Husband and told him it was good time to make a baby and he best get home pronto. He said 'there is a never a good time fruitcake- you haven't got a womb'. Tis true. I said 'no- this is true but I do have a cornflake pack and some sticky back plastic'. He says he would love to help but he got a ladder that needs his going up and down! I tried!

Oh yes and I am going to be a great aunty. I will the crazy one but without smelling of rich tea biscuits and cats wee.

I did an online test that told me I was a red wood tree in a former life. I lived 200 years. And now I suppose I am actually a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.

Also I wonder how many women wake their husbands in the middle of the night for a cuppa tea? I used to send my ex husband down to make tea frequently. He never argued- he just did it. Now Mines Current Mr Husband- different kettle of fish. Not that I have ever even dared to wake him and send him for tea. He isn't fond of being woken in the night- I gathered that long ago. Anyways I have asked him what would be an acceptable to reason to waken him in the night and it transpires tis these things:

Life or death (house on fire etc)

If I am very ill and may need medical treatment

If there is an intruder- although an intruder would probably have me to fear first

If there is a cow on the roof.

Do you see tea on that list? Do you see just for a chat because I am awake and bored? Do you see 'I have run out of maltesers, this is an emergency' ?

Nope. I think the list is clear enough. Always pissing on me chips that man.

 I put the new DVD - Yoga for over 50's. (apparently not to do it if you are in poor health or pregnant). After just ten minutes I had to turn it off. Mines Mr Husband asked 'why, fruitcake turning off the Yoga so soon'.  'Well', I tells him, quite breathless at that, 'I am fecking exhausted and aching'. He looked at me puzzled. 'But', he says, 'You were only watching it- you weren't actually doing it'. Typical of him to split hairs. 'Well', I tells him, 'that proves tis no good for ye'. Think I may put that in the never watch again pile.

Hoseasons are offering holidays with unexpected touches. I like unexpected touches- particularly if they are from hunks.

Mines Mr Husband asked me to trim me bush so that he could drive his car up the drive. He said 'yer bush needs trimming- tis hanging all over the sides How am I expect to put me car in garage'. I had to get him to help- I just couldn't get down that low. Looks better now. However, we left the top long- now if the electric man wants to come he is going to have to root around in my bush to find me cubby hole.

Pains in my chest and I say to Mines Mr Husband 'I think I got a heart thing going on'. He said 'Ye needs some spray for under ye tongue'- he handed me some spray. He is very efficient like that. I sprayed it. Bleach is feckin horrid under yer tongue.

Have a cake- have a kit kat. My new mantra. May stand outside slimming world with that one. I already give them rewards for losing weight. Well they do need an incentive. One group has already moved and gone underground because 'of that pesky woman outside giving out cakes'. Life is too feckin short not to eat cake.

I also had a new experience yesterday. They say new experiences are good for you. I used a Unisex Loo. Torquay have installed unisex loos! I always said I would never succumb- but needs must when the bladder is full and the next nearest loo is a mile away. Tis very hard to walk that far with yer legs crossed. So I took the bull by the horns and in I went. I am glad I did too- for two reasons- because a) I didn't pee my pants and 2) there were some very hunky guys in there. When I came out mines Mr Husband said 'Were you ok? You were a long time!' I said 'Of course I was ok- after I had a wee I hung around to see if I could help'. He looked puzzled -'help?' he asked. 'What is there to help with?'- I explained 'You know- in case anyone needed "anything" holding'. He sighed and said 'In future when you need a wee you have one at the ladies at the other end of town- and I hope you didn't do booby jiggling and flashing'. I said nothing. He is always pissing on my chips that man!

And that be it me ol babbers- catch ya all laters.................

Oooo-er  - just one more thing -I am loving my horoscope this week - it talks of Deep Erotica, Naughty in tents and Uranus exploration and adventure. Not sure what to do this week...............