Dicks, Pickles and Road Kill

I could be making ye all a video to say the Happy New Year thing but I not be very good at that. So first of all did ye have a good xmas?

Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thingy for christmas for me to talk to at night. If I wakes up in the night I can talk to it. I can tell it to remind me to get pickle or a toilet brush or whatever. Then its supposed to talk back to me. And type on my computer. I haven't figured that out yet. Also when he is at work and I am lonely I can do it too.

I was going to get Mines Mr Husband a present from the side of the road on the way to me sisters. They have better deaded things out there. He didn't want them. Then we managed to kill one ourselves. Well not strictly true- the man in front did but it attached itself to my pea because it wanted to come home with us. Sadly when we got home there was only a feather left. I told Mines Mr Husband to get it whilst it was still fresh. But oh no not him. Fussy arse. And it has broken my pea underneath all for nothing. Still got him a nice left training shoe and a pink cardigan. (It will wash).

I could let facebook sort out the past year highlights but last year it picked up the highlight of my year was wearing me knickers inside out and back to front.  I got in that pickle cos I don't wear them often to be honest.

I like to think about what I learned. I am not too old to learn. I learned if ye are patient ye can photograph the woodpecker and the kingfisher. But not together. Why not? I hear ye ask- because they are in different places I tell ye.

I learned that the lochness monster DOES exist- I seen the ripples in the loch where he had just come to see me. I learned that Dolphins, Cows with fringes, Eagles and Dolphins and Otters are a myth in Scotland and that Scotsmen are coy about letting you look up their skirts. I also learned it its raining in Scotland and Yorkshire ye see feck all! I also learned that their water falls are right slippery. I learned that the hard way.

I learned it is not just Tesco who chuck you out for doing the naked wrecking ball routine. All supermarkets seem to have this ridiculous policy. I also learned all the police stations in the area of pictures of me naked. Perverts.

I learned if ye finds a bag of doughnuts under a bush they are probably still good to eat and saves ye a fortune.

I learned some people will always be fucknuggets and others cockmuppets. Some will always be misery arses and some will always be control freaks. They take offence at the slightest thing, they make things up in their heads and tell others you are hurting them when you haven't even said anything. But that's ok- they still got things to learn. I just hope they do it somewhere else next year.

Best of all I learned the Angels, when pestered enough, make things happens for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had to turn the fecker on meself mind you and then the angels did the rest. All will be ok. Do you hear me? ALL will be ok. Unless the end of the world comes again tonight. Then we are all fecked.

Next year I hope to go to Japan- tis quiet and clean and neighbours respect each other. Sounds good to me. Alas Mr Husband will not be able to come there- he likes to fart in public and they don't be liking that in Japan.

So Happy New Year to ye all. And don't forget to get me new book!!!!

Chest and Nuts Roasting By an Open Fire...........

You all be thinking I been quiet. Well not quite. I had been busy pushing my new book- SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. What ye means ye didn't know. Quick- get yerself to Amazon before January 5th and get yerself a copy half the price it will be in January. Free delivery if ye spends ten squids.  Ye won't be disappointed I tells ye.

Well we had a reasonable Christmas- although t'was true we had to travel yer, ther, and everywher.  At home 'twas just me and he. Roasting chest and nuts be an open fire. Singed bits all round. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thing that I can talk into. This will come in handy when I am left alone when he goes to work.

Well according to my stars I was to have a frisky Christmas and a wonderful night with a lover. I thought Johnny Depp is coming round. Still waiting. Also I must say since I have had me lug holes cleared out I can hear so much better. I can hear her three doors down eating her Mr Husbands nuts now.

I waited for a parcel to be delivered Friday. Well three.. Yodel  brought one of them. They text me to say that they would be delivered before 9pm. Also there were 65 to be delivered before mine. I know I am no Carol Vorderman but I did some calculations and worked out that mine would be 66th. They have to deliver a parcel every three minutes according to mines Muvver. And she knows this stuff. She watches a lot of telly. I did some more calculations and this means mine would be delivered sometime later precisely. Yay- I had time to go to the loo without worrying that that will be the precise time he would knock the door. I do like a poop in peace. I also worked out that there should have been three delivery men. However, there were only two. So there is a space under me stairs still going begging..............

They got a Christmas tree by the shops here in Crankbrook. I did see it I did when I when I went to the Co-op. It has lots of presents round the bottom. Well I mean it HAD lots of presents round the bottom of it. On a different note I am happy. I got lots of presents for Christmas this year for myself.

I wonder why they never had any decorations on that tree. I bet some fecker stole them.

I seen all my lovely children. Mines Girl bought us something to share. A necklace and ear rings set. Mines Mr Husband is having the ear rings. I am going to pierce is nipples when he is asleep. If ye wonders what else happens to his nipples when he is asleep ye needs to buy my book so ye do.

Also her over the road trimmed up her bush with fairy lights. 'Twas all twinkly all over the festive period. And her down by muvvers she went and done her bush up to look like a xmas pudding. 'Tis true- me muvver took a picture of it. I do hope she don't going pouring brandy on it and setting it alight. 'Tis not good to have a burning bush. I had that once. The Doctor had to give me some cream for it.

I am going to do something nice with my bush next year.

Anyways me ol' cockers hopes ye all haves a nice 2017 and I can bring me little adventures to you all the time. Ye will all like that.

SO IS THIS HEAVEN?

HERE IT IS GUYS

You can buy the new Kindle edition of my new book SO IS THIS HEAVEN at an Amazon near you.

You can read it on any device, phone, tablet or pc if you download the FREE kindle app from Google Play Store.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1481488908&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas


Don't forget to leave reviews and tell all your friends.



Much love to you all 

Mad Beth

YAY- GO ME!!!!

New Books, Elvis and Fetishes.

Ye all be wondering what been happening here I bet. I am wondering how that woman on the Ikea advert copes with a kid with a lamp fetish. No wonder she gotta work all hours- I bet her lamp and electric bill is massive.

Also I been very busy with my new book, SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. Up and down on Kindle faster than a whore's drawers or a brides nightie.

So we are here just waiting now for the edited Kindle version to go live and the paperbook to be reviewed.

As soon as we have news that it is ready for buying I will tell ye.

This is the synopsis:

Clementine, an avid Elvis fan is celebrating her 50th birthday. She has balloons, she has trifle, she has chocolate cake. And Party Poppers.

She is also at home. Alone.

Then tragedy strikes. Singing at the top of her voice she chokes on a party popper. She could never distinguish between sucking and blowing so Hector her husband always said. Now she is dead. Hector comes home to find her lying on the kitchen floor- naked and covered in chocolate and very dead.  

Her death raises so many questions.

·     Will she ever get to Heaven?

·     Will she meet Elvis for a sing a long?

·     Will she ever get a harp?

·     Will she ever find the cloud with the Philadelphia Cheese and Crackers?

Follow Clementine on her hilarious spirit adventures as she struggles with leaving her husband Hector on earth with her Elvis CDs and her Marmite.

It can only lead to one thing...... Side splitting Laughs and Ghostly Goings On.....................

 So if you want to go on this adventure with Clementine make a note to watch out for it on an Amazon near you. You will be able to buy it for a special price between now and New Year when the price will be much more. And please, please leave me a review if you do. 

Cake, Pet Mats and Orgasm Socks

Just before we was going to bed last night mines Mr Husband asked me 'Could ye eat a nice pole?'- I said  'I don't know any poles'. He said 'no- I didn't be saying that- ye aren't listening are ye?- I said could ye eat an ice pole- the frozen sort'. I said to him  'Oh no, you haven't been running round the garden again with no trousers on have ye cos t'will be more like a frozen pea than an ice pole'. He called me rude and went to bed. I don't know where he gets his ideas from. Me - rude!!

I have just been taken in Dunelm by Mines Mr Husband- he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!! We saw a tin that said CAKE- I lifted the top. Liars- no cake at all. Very disappointed. Then in the next Mines Mr Husband 'Look mines little fruitcake..............' I said  'Don't ye mention cake where I am at the moment. I am still reeling from the disappointment of the last aisle'. So he said 'Look Mines little Pumpkin - A Furry Pet Rug- do ye wants one?' I said 'No- cos ye will only argue with me over who will take it for walks'. Also just above it was Pet Bowls. I would rather have a nice little dog if I am to have a pet. They got nice things in Dunelm but I didn't see it all. Mines Mr Husband said that he was in a bad mood today- so I didn't want to push me luck or he might piss on me chips. Also the pea behaved reasonably well........ perhaps it loves me after all.

Well that's one thrilled and traumatised delivery man this morning- he gets me naked (apart from me orgasm socks) leaning out the window telling him I am coming- and I turn around to see Mr Husband halfway down the stairs to open the door- also naked (minus the orgasm socks because he doesn't have them- orgasm socks that is) and shouting I'm coming and the pet bed, complete with pet bed noises, running along the hall to join in! That'll teach ye delivery man for waking us up at an ungodly hour. I mean who the feck is up at 8.30 on a Monday morning.!

I haven't given ye a Beths top tit for ages. Ye might find this useful this week with this weather. If ye decides to bury any bodies under ye patios make sure they nice and deep down and the slabs are well in place. This rain just washes them back up otherwise. I may know this from experience and I may not. Also you may need an umbrella this week.

Naked, Beards, and Crayons

Ramblings from Beths Corner of the world this week.

 I was doubled up in excruciating pain for four hours. I rang Mines Mr Husband 'Come home quick and take me to the hospital' I cried. 'What is the matter mines Little Pumpkin' he says- 'I'm in Labour, the baby is coming now' I tells him. He drops everything and rushes home. He gets halfway home and calls me 'Hang on' he says-  I tells him 'I am feckin hanging on- I am hanging from the curtain pole here waiting for ye to get your feckin arse back here'. He says 'We aren't having a baby- you don't even have a womb'. I said, 'Oh ah, that is true'. He says 'if you are still in pain I suggest you have a really good fart'. I did. I went round the house like a feckin balloon and that my friends is why I am telling you this from behind the TV.

 When I married my first husband over 33 years ago we had a gift of a set of steak knives from my cousin Jayne. When we split up he awarded me three of them- he is kind like that. However I have decided to buy us (me and my new hubby) a nice new set. I am browsing Amazon and am amazed to find they are multi task and are called Steak and Pizza Knives. Then I find a set called Brazilian Steak Knives. Now I am questioning what exactly are steak knives used for these days and what's wrong with wax? Or even just a razor?

Mines Mr Husband still has his business trip looming and in bed last night still he is asking me to go. Apparently he doesn't want to take a secretary. Strange man he is. I says to him- 'I don't wanna go cos I won't have the car and you will have to drop me off in Farnborough and I will have to mill around a cold shopping centre all day - and I can't do that with me dodgy hips'. (Aside from the fact I have to sleep in a very posh hotel with him snoring'). He looked forlorn. I says 'the only other option is that I come to work with you and torment everyone at FS'- then it came to me 'Yes' I says 'I know I could hob knob with the big knobs- I have a few things they would be interested to hear about the big fat slimy git- I could cause ructions'. He looked horrified. So do you know what he says? No? I will tell ye. He says 'I would rather you didn't cos it's not very career enhancing my little pumpkin'. I says to him 'That doesn't matter at all cos I don't have a career'. He says 'I am going to get in my own bed now'.

I have been to the Doctors yesterday. I made the appointment ages ago in case I was poorly. Ye haves to these days. We went to the snobby surgery in the village today. It doesn't have fish. Or a receptionist. Just magazines about Horses and Dogs. Horse and Hound Dog. They was playing classical music. I said to an old woman next to me 'I don't go much on that music- its a racket'- she said 'nor me, it's a bit heavy'. I said 'I think we should have an Elvis singalong'. She agreed. We was just deciding which Elvis song we should sing (I opted for Hound Dog in keeping with the magazine rack) and then an old man said 'The classical music was just his kinda of thing and he would appreciate it if we didn't spoil it'. That was when the fight broke out and the Dr came and took me away. I was just getting into that. She is always pissing on my cake her.

I told the Doctor I had earache and she said 'Have you been shoving Crayons in your ears again Elisabeth?'. (I haven't- just hair grips cos I thought the man at the chemist said they was ear grips'). Anyways despite assuring her I didn't put crayons in me ear holes she still said they was filled with wax and now I have to go and have them cleaned out. Yay- I Won't be deaf no more. I will be able to hear Elvis better. Whoohoo. Also she said 'Stop using volterol. Tis what is making your tummy painful. She is giving me Piri Piri rub instead and told me to just rub it on me Piri Piri with utmost care. She said that she is proud of me giving up cups of tea. I have told her about the cake addiction yet. She is always pissing on my cake her.

Also this week we have had the local newsletter. Well the Vicar wrote a nice little article about her new pink and purple hair do with a nice little mention of the hairdresser involved. I am not sure if it was a warning about her or not but I for one will certainly avoid her if that's what happens to yer hair. I guess the vicar will be writing a lot of these things until someone decides to build her a church.

Also it had a nice little article on the boy racers that dog the estate. No mention of an old woman in a little pea having a sing a long with Elvis. Still I be sure to outrun them policemans since I been watching lots of Interceptor programmes. I be getting lots of tips off them I do. Also they complained about the boy racers at the airport. Thats thems pilots is that. But to be fair they are allowed to race up and down the runway. They call it taking off and landing.

The town council are going to uncover the estates history. That shouldn't take too long - only three year old. T'was just a few farmers fields before then.

Also the town council are making some improvements. They have mended all the street lamps. And removed the dog litter bins. To be fair dogs don't have a lot of litter. So they didn't need them anyway.

 Finally they also showed all the pictures of the Pumpkin Party. I of course didn't get my picture in there. I wasn't invited because of my tendency to naked wrecking ball routines with me pumpkins and other peoples pumpkins as well. Next year I will wear a beard. They won't know its me then. I will get my picture of me in that magazine on me pumpkin by hook or by crook.

Tis rahter  is annoying when one of the main characters in your new, nearly finished book says 'Excuse me but could I have a different name please- I don't like the name Ernie'. I do like to please so I ended up going through names with him, Harold, Bertram, Dick, Hubert (nothing wrong with Hubert!), Arthur, George, Frederick, Albert, Abraham, Wally or - Colin. He said if that was the choice he would plump for Colin- as long as it was Colin Firth. For heavens sake- that would be sacrilege to cast him as Colin Firth. I can't have my fantasy ruined. So I told him ' Now look yer If you keep complaining about MY BOOK- I will kill you off. I am the Awfur remember'. Coming soon- BETHS NEW BOOK!! (We have decided on Mike-well I have)

  The last thing that happened this week :Mine's Mr Husband said he was popping upstairs to see a man about a dog. I heard him go in the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard a blood curdling scream. I didn't interfere. Well you don't do you when they have gone to see a man about a dog? A few seconds later I got a text from him. It read 'Pen is stuck'. So I text back 'Well use a pencil'. Mr Husband hasn't been down stairs for three hours now. Must be sharpening his pencil I guess. Or writing his memoirs. Think I will keep out of the way untill he emerges. Tis always the best course of action I think in these circumstances don't you.

Midnight Goings On, Cocks and Pineapples

WEDNESDAY: At 1.30 this morning I was forced to run down the road in just me orgasm socks to retrieve me new wheelie bin only to find two things out:
1. Mines Mr Husband, who's turn it was on New Wheelie Bin Guard duty and slunked off and hidden under a duvet on the bed in his bedroom
2. Tis awfully nipply out there in the middle of the night in November
3. It wasn't even our Wheelie Bin- ours was still safely tucked behind the pea sheltering from the winter.
At 4am I was dragging me arse around the bedroom, in wet orgasm socks looking for me 12 hour volterol because being the numpty I am I didn't think I would need painkillers before bedtime last night.
At 6am I was gasping for a cup of tea and was hoping that Mr Husband would wake up soon and give me one. And a cup of tea.
Then boom- I turn on the internet only to find that Orange is the New Black and the White House is now being run by an Ooompah Loompah who thinks that bombing all imaginary cities in fairytales are a good idea and all woman are fair game. The Queen is keep her hand on her corgi. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada and then Mines Mr Husband said it was ok- We live in Britain and we have that lovely Teresa May here in charge. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada.
I want an adventure today but Mines Mr Husband has said 'you need to stay at home today and trim yer bush cos its beginning to look like ye got hairy toes'. I said 'ye cheeky fecker- I have got hairy toes'. I think he just don't wanna go out in the cold. I was going to treat us to fish and chips as well.
On a lighter note- I have read this week that women should be having at least three orgasms a week for the sake of their elves. Gnome kidding. I don't think mines Orgasm socks are working anymore so I need to buy some more.

 THURSDAY:Whilst one half the world are mourning the fact that the White House will have a new resident, a racist, sexist, pussy grabbing, homophobic, oompah loompah, (Its all about the colours this season girlfriend!) and the other dumb ass half are celebrating because this just what Jesus ordered because it would be good for America- I am sat here filled with excitement because I am waiting for the delivery of a new, deep washing up bowl in the colour Linen. Life just don't get better than this!!

Note to Aladdin - I know my dear friend that the new resident of the White House said he will bomb your beautiful city- forgive him- He knows not what he says- but just in case I suggest you get your arse on that rug and get the hell outta there. Better be safe than sorry. P.S if you bring cake you can hide here!

You know you are in this part of the world when you pass a sign declaring you are outside BLACK COCK INN and you are out for a drive on a Thursday and you go past a railway with a sign outside saying NEXT TRAIN :TUESDAY.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said to me 'If ye don't find yer chin tweezers soon you be going to have bearded tits nestling in between yer knees.' Umph. I said 'One more comment like that and you will have your knees nestling between yer fat balls'. Keen bird watchers we be.

TUESDAY; We did go for an adventure today. I went down on me arse at the bottom of the waterfall- AGAIN! Fortunately I only walloped cracked me hip again and didn't get me camera wet. I found some good things for presents for mines Mr Husband. A lovely pair of shoes. Tis unusual to find a pair and they looked ok so they did. I could hardly contain me excitement. 'Look Mr Husbands- a PAIR of shoes for ye'. He declined. His reason? I tell ye- he said they'd be too small. I said 'Ye don't know that until ye tries them on'. He said he wouldn't even bother because He knew they was and they were. I said 'Ye can always scrunch ye toes up and arch ye foot'. Ever the pessimist he said they'd make him walk funny. I said 'no- they will just make thee walk funnier- and ye can always walk behind me and I won't notice'. Also found him a nice black leather skirt and a leopard print back pack in the same spot. I think there was probably someone wandering around naked somewhere.

On the way home I found him two dead foxes, a skeleton of something interesting (don't ask me what I ain't feckin skeleton expert) and not one, not two but 14 rabbits. I said to him 'put these on yer head'. He said 'For fecks sake woman why?' I said 'cos from a distance they looks like hairs'. Also found something unidentifiable but this is the thing with dead presents. Sometimes they are just a surprise.

SATURDAY; Talking of surprises I took all the labels off the tins in the cupboard so we could have more surprises for dinner sometimes. Tonight we had pork chops and custard. Tonight we have tinned peaches and meat balls. Yum!

Tits, Knees and a bumps a daisy........

Monday: Mines Mr Husband laying in the bath naked (cos that's how we roll in this house- naked in the bath), I even puts water in for him tonight. Then I spied two shiny round shaped things bobbing about in the water- I bent over mouth open wide when Mines Mr Husband shouts 'Ye Gods what ye doing woman?'. I said 'T'is Halloween at time for all things goolies and I am playing that game- trying to buy shining round shaped things bobbing about in water'. Ye never seen a man get out a bath so quick and put his minion trousies back on!!

 Wednesday: We had lovely adventures today. Although I did have a couple of falls and a few bumps. Tomorrow I will be in masses of pain- I just know it. On the plus side I didn't pee me pants!! On the top of Dartmoor I see a man taking a picture of me. To be fair I take pics of random people. I said to Mines Mr Husband 'Look, that man is taking pictures of me'. He said 'Why would he? you are not naked'. Well that was that - I heard the word naked and before you could say Bobs Your Uncle and Fanny is your aunt I was naked. I thought if he was going to take pictures of me he would probably like naked more. Talking of which, since I offered to strip for the letting agent when she come to take photos- she haven't wanted to take any photos since. Anyways Mr said 'Put your clothes back on - your toes are going blue'. To be honest it was a bit nipply noodles. Then a crowd gathered. Surprising really- I couldn't figure out where all them men come from. We and the man taking the photo seemed to be the only ones there and then suddenly out of bushes here there and everywhere came funny little men. Talking of funny little men on the way home we seen a lot of people dressing up as gnomes. Mr Husband asked if I wanted to dress as a gnome. I said 'Gnome thank you- tis not my kind of thing'. I do have a little friend who dresses as an elf sometimes but her sex life is her business. Anyways I hope you all enjoy my Mr Tumnus pictures. Tomorrow is going to be the saddest day. John (who ever he is) is coming to take our Jag away to the great Jag scrapyard in the sky. We shall cry. We shall need cake.

 Tuesday: Think I have perfected this fringe cutting thing because now I have worked out if I get the scissors at the right angle I can do me eyebrows at the same time and get this- in line with me fringe. If I practice a bit more I may get to include me bush- tis nearly up to the kitchen window now. This morning Mines Mr Husband said 'I see you have been cutting your fringe again'. I asked him 'How can you know this?'- he said 'because of all the hair on your chin- or it could be that you just haven't shaved today of course.......'. He be skating on thin ice that man.

 Sunday: Mines Mr Husband came rushing into the house shouting 'Grace, Grace'. Immediately I went down on my knees and clasped my hands 'Dear Lord, Make me truly grateful for what I am about to hopefully receive'. Mines Mr Husband said 'Dear God Woman, what are ye doing on ye knees?' 'I am doing as ye said, I tells him, I am thanking the Lord for what ye are about to give me'. He looked a bit confused - 'I was just going to give the ye the news that the new baby across the street is called Grace'. Always pissing on me chips and disappointing me that man.

 Friday: So today is the first day we wake up without our beloved Jag. Mines Mr Husband has taken my pea and Elvis and gone to work. I said 'What if I need to go somewhere?' He said 'there is a train at the bottom of the street'. Tis true there is. Trouble is it don't stop at Dunelm. Note to self : Ring the people who make railways and ask if they can have the train stop at Dunelm. On the plus side I heard you can get molested on trains. Might give it go. 'You never know your luck until yer drawers is down', me mother always says. The quicker Mines Mr Husband saves 36grand for his new Jag the better if ye asks me. Unless anyone out there got 35 grand they don't want I reckon we could raise the rest.

 Saturday:  Mines Mr Husband said to me 'If ye don't find yer chin tweezers soon you be going to have bearded tits nestling in between yer knees.' Umph. I said 'One more comment like that and you will have your knees nestling between yer fat balls'. Keen bird watchers we be.

Thursday: I went sailing. Bobbing about on the waves. Well when I say sailing- I had just had a bath. Then I created a vacuum with my bum and created waves. Same as sailing. Thats how we roll here when we want to go sailing without a boat!

Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Bikinis, Boobs and Bargains

Monday was a nice day here in Sunny Devon in the South West of England- the sun was shining very brightly and still warm enough to go out without a coat. I enticed Mines Mr Husband to the outside world and we had a road trip to the beautiful Brixham where we watched Seals frolicking and the Beautiful Torquay where we watched Kestrels catching dinner. The evening we ended up on Paignton beach- we didn't wash up with the tide or anything- we droved there. We watched the sun set- not over the sea as Mines Mr Husbands promised but over yonder hills. Well he watched the sunset- I collected sea shells and tormented the waves with my 'shall I or shan't get me feet wet' method of collecting shells. Funny though, I was the only one the whole day who was in me bikini. Mines Mr Husband didn't want to wear his.

In Torquay the £1 shop had a sale. I was most thrilled. Mines Mr Husband couldn't see the point of everything being reduced to 90pence. But I said 'look 'ere mate if I buy 10 things I have saved a £1. You stick with me kid- I will show ye thrifty'. I bought two boxes of chocolate brazils and a huge box of jaffa cakes. Mines Mr Husband said 'that don't be looking very healthy shopping'. So I chucked in a dieting book. Still he grumbled. So I explained how healthy it truly was: 'Brazil Nuts are one of me five a day-healthy. Chocolate is made from Cocoa beans- a vegetable- healthy. Jaffa cakes contain Chocolate- see above; also orange jelly- Orange one of me five day- healthy; and sponge- contains eggs that are good for you and also come from chickens. This means I have practically got a roast dinner in this basket. And on top of that there is milk in chocolate and this means I am getting calcium for me bones which is important in old people- so I am willing to share my roast dinner with you'. He just sighed.

In Brixham I heard an old man say 'Come yer and let me take your top off'. I didn't need asking twice and by the time I reached him I already had me top off. Mines Mr Husband, ever vigilant grabbed hold of me and made me put it back on. 'Why you do that and jiggle your boobies to that old man?- he nearly had coroner'.  I was a bit confused if I am honest. I did think it was a bit of a racy suggestion for a place like Brixham. I thought it may have been his birthday or his last day on earth or something. I am all for helping someone have a good birthday or a last day on earth so I am. 'He asked me too', I told Mines Mr Husband. 'No he didn't' he said- 'he was talking to his wife- she couldn't get the top off her bottle of water'. Well how the feck was I supposed to know. I would like to think I brightened an old mans day.

Thems across the road have come home with thems new baby- I am still trying to get a peak. They keep her covered with a blanket. She must be well feckin ugly. I know it is a she because they told Mines Mr Husband it is called Grace. Unless they are calling boys Grace this day. 'Tell them to call her Gary' I said. 'The world is running out of Gary's' I said. He said it was up to them what they called their baby. I still think I should have been consulted. Anyways her, the mother, (the family sized gateau shape one from Iceland with the integrated bike rack that has just had the baby called Grace), has kept her bush in very good order. It is blooming and a real pleasure to see when I looks out me kitchen window. I takes me hat off to her. Some women let thems bushes go to wrack and ruin when they have a baby so they do.

Also this week- The Russians are coming.

Naked Twerking and the Doctor

Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man. He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:

Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not in the waiting room.

If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show me yours' - tis embarrassing.

Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you are wearing knickers or not.

Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.

Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room

Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.

Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.

Just when I thought he had finished he added:

And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!

I thought I  am soooo going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!

Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!

The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said 'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.

Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit. And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again. Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)

Marmite, Nuts and No Knickers

 THIS WEEK AT THE NUT HOUSE!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said Why did you shout out "I'v got no knickers on" at the top of the stairs this afternoon? Well that confused me. 'Cos you told me too" I said. 'Yes' he said, 'but I meant at home, not at the top of the stairs in Marks and Spencers'. He never makes things feckin clear that man. I always have to work it out for meself!!

I don't think that mine's Mr Husband should suggest date nights and then complain when I trawl dating websites for some one to go with. He contradictory that man is.

Also: Mines Mr Husband has asked me if I want to go on a business trip with him in a few weeks. WTF?? 'Why can't ye takes yer secretary like every other man who goes on business?' I asked him. 'Cos I don't have a secretary' was all he could think of replying. Well tis true. He don't. Always pissin on my cornflakes that man!

THURSDAY;Well a while back mines son-in-law gived me a little tit for me cooking. Add marmite to stews and Bologneses for extra taste. Infact ye can add to anything he said. Let me tell you I have tried it and it's fecking horrible on yer rice krispies. My rice krispies are refusing to tell me what to do today. Thats cos they don't like Marmite! Also I added some to the bath last night. Not a good idea- when I got out mines Mr Husband thought I had smeared meself with chocolate for a kinky dare and chased me all over the house. He is now sulking cos he feckin hates marmite. That will teach him to keep his tongue in his mouth so it will.

ALSO -So there is a house full of PYT's (Pretty Young things) this week next door having a holiday and shenanigans. Mines Mr Husband has been pleading with me to cover him in Chocolate and throw him over the fence. 'I am horrified at the mere suggestion' I tells him- ' I simply cannot believe you expect me to waste my chocolate on such things- go round and knock on the door and wait to be invited in like normal people'. He is gone to the shed to sulk. This still worries me as we still don't have a shed.

WEDNESDAY ;Here we go- I so don't need a calender to know when we are nearing xmas. Here come the adverts. Get thee self a snow leopard or a mankywankydonkey with only three legs for the price of just three squids. Or why not treat theeself to a homeless person for christmas. To be truthful I did that a few year back now and he hasn't moved out yet- he says 'I am yer husband ye little pickled walnut and I am so staying'.(ooo- sorry Kim me ol' bean- didn't think then!! Best not mention pickled walnuts to yer Mr Husband). Although tis true I have taught him about soap, water, deodrant and such things. He only cost £26. A bargain at half the price. Anyways I have found him a nice jumper for Christmas this year. T'was just there at the side of the road. It needed a bit of attention- a few stitches and a good wash or two. Still has a tyre mark round middle but I said to him 'Will not show when tis on- every one gets a spare tyre round the middle when they gets older'. He is sulking still though. Can't win em all ye can't.

 TUESDAY: Mines Mr Husband is wanting me to lie down and take my temperature with his thermometer. Although why I have to strip I have no idea. He says he is baffled and thinks I am in need of medical attention because I went to the shops- Laura Ashley at that- went in, bought the one thing I wanted to buy. I didn't look at anything else. I didn't buy anything else. Although tis true I was quite taken with a nice tool box in Homebase as I went past and I do a have a bradawl and some electrical screwdrivers for doing things. And I really do like tool boxes. But I didn't buy it. Also I drove past Dunelm and didn't go in. I didn't even tempt myself with looking at the place. Now ye all thinks this is peculiar behaviour from me. But the truth is Mines Mr Husband hit me with a shock this week. He says he doesn't enjoy shopping- and he doesn't (in particular I note) enjoy shopping in Dunelm. He doesn't find it relaxing as I do. I am horrified. Mortified. All the days I have selflessly dragged around there with him trying to find him presents for Fathers Day, Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers days and all the days in between. I think he is the one who needs laying down and having his temperature taken and I won't tell ye where I will shoving thermometer.

SATURDAY: We went to visit mines little sister and on the way I stopped to get mines Mr Husband a nice fox. T'was dead. I thought would go nicely round his neck on a night out. It could start a fashion trend. He said 'no, thank you- I don't want it'. I said 'But you haven't got a fox yet - well not a whole one'. He refused point blank and made me get back in the car. Never let it be said that I am the mean one in this relationship- I do try me hardest.

MONDAY: Ye probably been thinking I been quiet for a Monday morning. Well I been out round the local shops making some friends and get this I have appeared in a movie. Mines Mr Husband didn't. He wasn't there. He wasn't in the mood for making friends or the movies. I asked them 'What ye doing- can I be in this film?'. They said they didn't need me. I said 'oh go on- I makes me own videos and everyfin. I have been on This morning (you know- the bulldog clip thing) and I am on Youtube Face whatsitappy thingy and I am big in Russia'. They said they didn't need me. I told them I wasn't going home until they at least let me audition for the part. They said they didn't need anyone at all. I said 'I knows, let me do a bit of Elvis singalong with Beth for ye- do anyone have any music?' They said 'no, now go away'. I ignored them. I said 'Oy you with the fluffy thingy candy floss on a stick- have ye got any Elvis music- or any music will do- I will just sing an Elvis song over the top?' He said 'no- get out of the way'. I told ye I was going to be big in Hollywood and ye gotta start somewhere so ye have. So then I surprised them all and stripped naked and danced and jiggled me boobies and me knees and sung Hound Dog anyway. And its not even naked singing and dancing day.Yay I will be famous- once one of yous kinds peoples sends some bail money. Thankyeees muchly.