Twerking, Surviving and Muffin Buffin

Apparently tis the end of 2017 today. Nobody tells me anyfin. Fank gawd for the TV guide is all I can say. Tis the time of year when everyone becomes a mirror and goes all reflective and a maudling. Mostly they focus on what they have lost and the bad stuff. Tis true one dear friend of mine had lost a lot this year and to you Jo I send buckets and buckets of love. Some people have gone through terrible things (I am not on about the drama queens and the constant whiners). Here at least this year we are counting our blessings - we had some near misses! For me the positives are this: I survived no less than 10 apocalypses. I made a few of you smile. I saw bears in the wood. Well I saw where they had shitted. Same thing really. I almost seen a whale. I was at the spot where many others had seen it anyways. Same thing. I visited Sunny Wales- twice. It rained. I had a fabulous new grandson Travis. He is welsh. I spent beloved time, although no where near as much as I would have liked, with my beautiful kids and grand children. I had the privilege of being a birfing buddy to my niece and being there when little William made his grand, if traumatic entrance into this world. And I was excited when little Amelia arrived in the world. She is Welsh. We are doing well with the Welsh this year. Mr husband pissed on me chips a few times but in the main he has convinced me he is simply the best husband a girl could wish for. He even bought me a flanger for xmas. If anyone wants to see my flanger in action you will have to visit it. Its not the sort of thing I can put on yer! In 2018 I will walk through the crap with me held high and look for the positive stuff. Best of all I am getting rid of my fibromyalgia. Me, Bob and Elvis will adventure far and wide. And I thank each and everyone one of you for being at my side. Except Sid. Sid has been a knob.

This is what I have learned this year:

You can only comfortably get three and a half parcel men in the cupboard under the stairs.

It is against the law to kidnap parcel men and tie them up and keep them under the stairs. Who Knew?

A whole dead badger is better than a half one.

A girl can never have too many hoovers or maltesers.

A menopausal girl can almost fit long ways in the freezer at Tesco.

A menopausal girl should always pick the dessert freezer to throw herself  into over the frozen veg.

Fortune favours the brave- yes ladies you can load the dishwasher by yourself (providing your husband is asleep or out).

Not all policeman wear underwear. (Don't ask how I know- take it from me- they don't).

This moving house crap has to stop. For me. Not you. Don't let me stop you. But don't ask me to help either. Unless you want lists of things drawing up. I can do that.

Get a feather in your knickers- you can laugh all day without one joke being told.

(Don't ask how I know!)

There are still men who patronise women out there. Kick these in the nuts with your hobnail boots girls. And kick em real hard!

Twerking naked is not allowed in the library.

If yer husband tells ye he has someat hard and long for ye to have in the bedroom don't be surprised if its a just a curtain pole!

Topless is the way to go with me new car. Except for when it rains. This is England. Two days a year we go topless. Two feckin days.

Don't watch something funny or read my status's if ye are chewing on nuts- ye could choke don't ye know. Tis true. Happened to me cousin so it did.

Twerking is not allowed in the bank - neither is whipping me nae nae.

Only candle sticks can be buffed in church. No muffin buffin.

The oven needs to be turned on if ye are baking cakes. Usually. Who knew. Plus once you have done so you are supposed to time it. And check it. Not wait til the kitchen is filled with smoke and the smoke alarm is going off.

Not all burglars want to get into bed and warm you up before they leave. Ditto Postmen and Delivery men.

Cats don't actually fly. Who knew that either?

There appears to be no laws in the Netherlands about twerking or being naked in a freezer in Tesco. Think we could make it there!

And finally everyone should be able to wear their cardigan upside down if they so desire without fear of being judged!

Naked Snow Angels, Carrots and Danders!

All my days I have been waiting for the snow. I wakes up at 4am and guess what? Yay, snow. All over the garden. I ran into Mines Mr Husbands bedroom grabbing a carrot and a scarf on the way- 'Wake up, wake up, tis snow in the garden'. He grumbled at me 'Go away, it's the middle of the night'. Well I knew that. I am not stupid am I? I looked at the clock so I did. 'I know' I said 'I been waiting all my life for snow. Do you want to build a snowman?' He ignored me. 'Well do ya, do ya wanna build a snowman?' I was going to sing the song but I don't the know words on account of not having toddlers. Well I have Mines Mr Husband but he doesn't sing it either because he doesn't want to set me off on the 'snow obsession thing' as he calls it. 'Do ya wanna build a snowman. You do wanna build a snowman don't ya. Well do ya?'  Anyways he gets cross and says 'go away'. I drag him out of bed by his branch to see the snow. He says 'there isn't enough to build a snowball let alone a man- now go back to bed pleeeaaaase'.  I started back to my room- a little disheartened at the rejection I must say. Then I had an epiphany of an idea. 'Lets go out and make snow angels. Would ya like to do snow angels with me. Well would ya?'. Then he really lost his rag. He had his dander up. And trust me ya don't see his dander very often these days. Not up anyways. I have to tell ye guys thats why at 4am this morning, if ye had been down our road you would have seen that I was laid stark naked in the front garden, with me scarf  tightly round me neck and a carrot shoved up me arse making snow angels alone. Good job I am menopausal is all I can say!

Joseph, Mary and Chlamydia

Mines Mr Husband is not a happy bunny. No siree. He ain't gonna be Joseph in the nativity play. You can guess who got that part can't you? Yep, the Granny murdering barsteward who steals other peoples promotions. They promised Mines Mr Husband can be Joseph but as usual GMB got in there and licked the bosses boots. So Mines Mr Husband is playing a tree- yep a fecking tree. I tells him, 'never you mind, trees are important- after all when baby Jesus grew up he tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem. Where would Jesus's ass be today if he hadn't tied it to a tree that day?' Further I pointed out to him 'some days you are the dog, and some days you are the tree- that's how it goes'. He cried. He said 'no, I am always the tree and it's not fair'. He cried himself to sleep. I held his little branch until was sleeping like a log. Cheryl on reception is going to play the Virgin Mary. She ain't no virgin I tell ye. I have heard the tales. I am sure the Virgin Mary never had Chlamydia. Mines Mr Husband isn't the only one who is upset either. Frank is incensed. And Harod King from the store room is going to kill all the babies. I am sure that's what he said anyway. He was sobbing his little heart out it was hard to hear him through the rustling of his leaves. I may just keep him home on the day so he don't get so cut up. Thats what good wives do!!

Nipples, Knobs and Jam

Well tis quite some time since I did a blog for thee all. 'Why be that Beth ?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. Tis been all go. We did have a bit of a holiday. We had the usual row over the ornaments and the bath mats and me packing them and Mines Mr Husband unpacking them. He said 'we don't have so much room this year pickle, we have only a small car'. Tis true. So I took his under crackers and socks out and made room for me bath mats. Always a way round these things ye know. 

Then we moved house. Yes, ye did hear that right. Well we didn't move the house we had to another place. We found another one. We needed a bungalow because my mobility has decreased. So I asked the universe for a bungalow- or I tells it I would settle for something bigger with a staircase that maybe the landlord would allow me to put in a nice slidy chair to go up the stairs and a slider to come down. So the universe got a tad mixed up and we got a bungalow with stairs. Yes that's right- a bungalow with stairs. So... ..basically we have a house. But the stairs are little and easy to manage. Also a very slippery kitchen floor so I can do slippy slidy with me kitchen chair. Also we have lots of neighbours- old peoples. I like old peoples generally because they don't make a noise. Well they do fart and pretend they didn't. No hang on- that's mines Mr Husband- yes that is mines Mr Husband.

It wasn't easy to move- Mines Mr Husband had to get me up and enthused. He didn't have too much trouble once he borrowed a cattle prod. It was just the two of us. I wasn't well enough really and I had several visits to the osteopath in between van loads. He helped me loads and loads. Although to be fair I was paying him loads and loads. Most of the time I ended up sat here on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas in me knickers and some bubble wrap (to pop- wonderful stress reliever).. and Mr Husband worked like a little Collie dog rounding up the sheep. He can do it with boxes. He is the box whisperer.

Mines Mr Husband has been and made a friend up the town in the music shop. He said they are having bread and jam sessions - I expect coffee will be involved. I said 'I don't care- when I have finished unpacking I will find a friend or two. I will look in the cake shop for mine. We will have cake and baileys sessions. That will be far more fun'.

B and Q was jealous when they found out I was shopping mostly in Homebase and Dunelm and sent me an email asking if they could get to know me better. So I did me naked wrecking ball routine through the store nearest to be. Got me nipples caught in the chain. Not so nice as they make out!

We are a little way a way from his work so he has a bit further to travel And still we have stuff to do at the old town yet. Me and Bob are spending a bit of time on the motorway too. Bob and Elvis says 'step on the gas Beth, step on the gas'. So we do. And we sing loudly and we get there quicker. I likes to do what I is told. Well usually only when I am naked- but also when Bob and Elvis tells me. Yesterday we did that. We had to go to the Doctors Bob and Me. The weather is colder and I noted his knob was freezing. Not the Doctors- what kinda gal you think I am? And more to the point what kind a gal do you think my Doctor is? No- I am talking about Bobs Knob. I am surprised it wasn't shrivelled up. I have seen knobs shrivel up in cold weather before. Talking of which Mr Husbands came with us too. Bob said, 'Jeez me knob is cold but the sun is out, why don't we go topless?'. I said 'cos tis not good for me nipples me ol' cocker but I will keep me hand on your knob and change gear lots and your Knob will be nice and warm'. He was content with that but he and Elvis made me go fast down the motorway again. Mines Mr Husband chose to drive back. I think we goes to fast for him, Bob, Elvis and Me.

Also on the subject of Mines Mr Husband Tesco is advertising for 'festive colleagues' for the festive period. I have bought mines Mr Husband a reindeer costume and sent him off to apply. He looked festive enough to me so fingers crossed. If that don't work I have my last years santa outfit here he can borrow. (See photo on profile- tis a very fetching outfit). I know what ye are thinking 'but your Mr Husband has a good job- he don't be needing another'. True. But I need some extra cash to spend some extra time in Dunelm. They have cake upstairs to die for don't ya know? Sod the bath mats!

Anyways not quite settled in the new place. We can't get channel 20. Tis very disappointing. I can't get last of the summer wine. Think I shall have a breakdown now! New neighbours are already traumatised because we have no nets and they are nosy. Serves them right. Also BT man was traumatised one morning because we didn't know he was coming and I was naked when he knocked at the door. Then I knew he was coming and traumatised. Note BT- advanced warning would be great in future. Ps. I can't get channel 20. Did I mention that. Mines Mr Husband said channel 20 is the drama channel- ye got facebook for that. But tinternet is sporadic. So I am going to be drama free for sometime me thinks. Also pigeons nest on our roof cos the silly ol' bugger next door feeds them.

And before ye asks yes I still don't let mines Mr Husband sleep in my bedroom. His is snoring so loud I just seen three dragons run past in fear. He sleeps t'other end of landing now and I can still hear him. He has a bed of course. And he is in a bedroom! I am not that mean. However tomorrow I may be depending on my migraine. I may move his bed to the garage. The esso one on the motorway.!

The voices have been giving me trouble. They woke me up saying 'cream eggs, cream eggs. You need cream eggs'. I know they aren't real (the voices, not the cream eggs) but they do have some good ideas. However, you can't just get up and get a cream egg in the middle of the night.  Then the next night they woke me up saying 'Why don't you google storeaway furniture?' Then the next night again they woked me saying 'Dizzy Gillespie-' WTF? Then they say 'No- Dizzy Rascal'. Me again 'WTF?' Then again 'Dance yourself Dizzy- Do you remember that?'- Me 'WTF- go back to sleep- it's 3am and I don't want to sing or dance'. Then suddenly I am awake and thinking 'Who the feck is Dizzy Gillepsie?'- Good job I got a Mr Husband with an IQ second to Einstein. Although tis true Einstein only knew the theory of a flat pack whereas Mines Mr Husband has gone a bit beyond the theory.  Pity I don't have his knack for ignoring the 3am voices that want to sing and dance when I want to sleep. To be honest I preferred the cream egg scenario. Much more my thing at 3am. Dear Voices- I know you are not real, and I also know that sometimes you have good ideas (cream eggs) but sometimes you have shit ideas at shit times -if its 3am please let me sleep!! If you don't I will start doing only what my rice krispies tell me to do and you will not be my friend anymore!

Also since we lived here I have discovered I have one earhole smaller than the other- t'was during autumn watch when they were doing a bit about squirms and I stuck me fingers in me ears and one went in further than the other. Tis funny the things ye learns on Autumn watch.

So that be it really for now- Mines Mr Husband has returned the cattle prod and all is well here. I am googling pigeon recipes.

Tombstoning, Knickers and Sandy Cracks

You all be thinking Beth be quiet. I have been tis true. Got 'shit' I have to sort. Important Owl shit and stuff. But I can tell ye this much, whilst I am sorting the important Owl Shit I overheard mines Mr Husband on the phone to the Dr telling him he needs help getting off the crack. I was shocked. Me heart near enough stopped and corns started throbbing. So ye are all now. I was in a panic. I ran round in little circles. Mines Mr Husband is asking for help to get off the crack. I didn't know he was on Crack. Although sometimes tis true it looks like his eyes are going in different directions. And other days they looks likes lollipops on sticks. Like nipples on a cold day. Anyways after much a wailing and shouting, turns out he was just trying to find out if they could help get him outta his chair since I put that gorilla glue in his crack when he was asleep face down. He gets stuck fast on seats now. Phew. I can highly recommend gorilla glue for sticking stuff, especially butt cheeks together. Tis expensive but worth it.

Also this week me EMU cream has finally arrived so now I can put cream on me Emu. To be truthful it does have black pepper in it so I am not sure how me Emu will fair with a smattering of black pepper- but I am all for a bit of experimenting. Also been busy back and forth for days to the only place left on the planet with any panadol night time. Getting meself a fair ol stock now. That miserable ol' bint at chemist is getting a bit suspicious now. Mines Mr Husband has told me to use a disguise. So tomorrow I am wearing me sun hat and me swimming goggles and the next day I will add me snorkel. The following day I shall wear the same but leave me knickers at home. She will not know tis I.

 On Thursday mines Mr Husband took me up the land of Broadchurch (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) As soon as we arrived mines Mr Husband saw the face painting again. I didn't want all that tantrumming shite again so I let him be a zebra. Just for the day mind you. I not be wanting a feckin zebra hanging round me all the time. People will be thinking tis mightily odd when I go into Tesco with a Zebra in tow. Then he spotted the henna tattoos and wanted his hair braiding. I said 'noooo- you don't have any fecking hair. You be as bald as a coot'. In the end I let him have a henna tattoo of a rabbit on his bald bits cos from the distance it looks like hairs. Then he had a paddy for a bubblegum and fish and chip flavoured ice cream with curry sauce. Good job they are obliging in the ices parlour. Still he managed to get that all over his fizzhog and down his best shirt. He had to take it off. I said 'Well pink and blue check didn't go so well with the zebra look anyways'. Then soon as his shirt was off the old lady with the walking stick started rubbing her hands all over his hairy chest. 'Ooooo hairy chest- I love hairy chest' she said. Oh- hang on- that was me -yes that was my hairy chest. Then he decided he wanted to go tomb stoning. Well he didn't actually decide- I was trying to persuade him. But he was having none of it. He said Zebra's didn't tombstone- he said that as 'leapt' of the cliff edge. To be fair he did need a helping hand. Just a tiny one. Then he got chased by a lion. I said 'Told ye it was a mistake to be a feckin Zebra- not only can ye not go tomb stoning ye are prey for the lions'. Then he said he wanted a ride on the choo choo train up and down the seafront. We looked for one but alas they didn't have one. I told him they wouldn't be letting zebras on a choo choo train anyways in case they doos big doo doos. Then he started to cry and his stripes started to run. His face was such a grey mess tinged with blue from the bubblegum icecream. He looked then like an elephant with a cold trunk. 'Pull yer trousies up man' I said. Then a woman, who oughta know better started calling him elephant man. I thought he was going to cry again. I thought I better not call him that again. I thought it better if we come home. On the way back to the car he started to fart. I am sure it was the bubblegum icecream. The third time he did it I said (in my sternest dinner lady voice)  'STOP THAT'- and he said 'I would but I don't know which direction it went in'. I tell ye, I am going to think twice about going out again for the day with him...............Gone are the days when yer went to the seaside and yer just got sand in yer crack.

Sockets, Pockets and Nipples

SATURDAY NIGHT:

6PM Just been to look at my happy forever bungalow- its in a forest. I am sooo in love with it. I have peed on the gate post and the doorstep to mark my territory. I told Mr husband we will start moving in tomorrow. He said we need to have the key and pay some money to an agent. See I told ya he would piss on me chips.

7PM Found my happy forever bungalow. Busy getting everything packed. Mr Husband pissing on my chips- saying things like 'we should go and look at it first. We should wait until Monday when the agent opens. We should get some money together for it'. I don't care. I am moving in Monday..................End of!

SUNDAY:Well today should be moving into my happy ever after bungalow. We went and looked at it last night. Mr Husband said  'Oooh it's alarmed'. I said 'Don't worry me ol' cocker- it will soon get used to you'. Anyways my heart and my head was saying 'get urself packed and in yer tomorrow'. Then, as predicted, Mr Husband pissed on me chips and me cornflakes and me porridge- and he knows full well I likes cream on me porridge. He said 'yer head needs to understand the costs involved and how isolated you will be there when I am at work'. He told me to sleep on it. So I did- I am stiff all over. Do you know what its like to sleep with one leg either side of the Apex clinging to a rickety chimney pot? (Not the Apex park in Highbridge- I can't get me legs that wide apart- although I know there are people out there.............). Anyways my heart is moving in and my head is staying here..............

After Dinner ;

Mr Husband to me : 'Pickle, why do you have several lumps of gravy inside your bra and peas squashed to your nipples?' Me to Mines Mr Husband : 'Scooby snacks- thats all- scooby snacks'. He be nosy bugger he be.

WEDNESDAY: We are going adventuring today. We don't know where yet- t'is going to be a surprise. It will be too for the people whoever are there when I get there.  I had the king of Migraines yesterday and Mr Husband was nursing his empty socket and empty pocket after his visit to the dentist. Tis the price you pay for avoiding a dentist for twenty years. He had to go cos his toothache was too bad. And ye knows when the chips are down- well he pisses on them. And when you got a very bad tooth- out he gotta come. So I went with him to hold his hand and drive him home. Tis no wonder he needed a lie down after. I wore my tinkly chi ball. 'If ye are nervous' I said to him 'I will jiggle my tinkly chi ball and soothe your nerves'. He said he wasn't nervous at all. I jiggled my tinkly chi ball all the same. Many times. Eventually he got really annoyed with me and nearly strangled me with it. How rude. Nerves on edge or what. Mine - not his. Then a man came outta the dentist room with a bad limp. I said to Mines Mr Husband ' I think ye should avoid going in there- he came out with a limp'. Mines Mr Husband said 'He went in with a limp'. I says to him 'You are a feckin pessimist'. When Mines Mr Husband came out he brought his bad tooth with him. I said 'Why have you brought this with you' (T'was disgusting!). He said 'Tis a gift for you pickle, I thought ye might like it'. This proves romance isn't dead and I must be one of the luckiest girls on the planet. I will get my girl Anna to make it into a necklace from it. All we need now is the hair. She is well renowned for her scalping capabilities- she makes the scalp in to drinking bowls and the hair and teeth into necklaces. Nothing goes to waste. I have to go now because there is some banging from the cupboard under the stairs- I forgot to let the Argos delivery man out I fink.

WEDNESDAY EVENING:

We been on an adventure to Brixham. I had a pasty. I have wind. Mines Mr Husband had a right ol paddy cos he wanted to have his face painted. He said he would go home and sulk in his shed. I said 'I don't care if you do- you are not walking round Brixham with me with a feckin tiger painted on your face'. Then we had icecream. Bloody hundreds and thousands played havoc with his ADHD. He was climbing the walls. The harbour walls. From the inside. I stood on his fingers when he got to the top. By accident of course. What kinda wife do you think I am? Then he stopped by a cake shaped woman at the harbour side and asked her if she got crabs on her holiday- or was it just the way her thighs rubbed together when she walked. Now he looks like a panda- no paint needed. Another woman walked by and she said 'if anyone does it to me they will get what for'- and he said 'You should be so lucky missus'. Tis true she had a face like a box of spanners. I didn't even think he could run that fast. Anyways we are home now. Bob is broken. (Insert crying here!) The boot is stuck. Tis important I get the boot open- I have a pop up pirate that was selling icecream locked in there. He was supposed to be keeping me cool with this menopause. He is knocking on the boot lid now- 'let me out'...................Mr Husband is searching the internet for help. Should have stayed home!

THURSDAY; I have the most wonderful husband. He indulges me notions of fantasy. He knows they may cost him money and mess all over the house at worst and at best more stuff in a box or two somewhere. My latest of aforesaid notion of fantasy included a demand to be taken last night in the rain and cold and wind on Budleigh Salterton (pebble) beach. He will take me anywhere. He has no feckin shame that man. I swear I only went to look for certain types of pebble. I further swear I absolutely did not know it was 'men get naked in the rain on the pebble beach night'. This I told them, as I tried to apply sun cream to the bits that may burn the most, was an added bonus for me as I had only come to get pebbles. I further swear I did not know that despite miles and miles of millions and trillions and gazillions of pebbles that beach would not have the 'right kind' of pebbles for my notion of fantasy. I may have to try again tonight!

Tis TUESDAY. I like Tuesdays. They are orange. I have already learned things this week. I learned:

There are more nipples than people in the world.

That some people won't use toilet paper in a posh loo because its ends are folded too posh to disturb.

It's illegal to vacuum on a Sunday afternoon. Well who knew??

I learned I have French Lavender, not English. I know - it was a surprise to me too. No wonder it doesn't listen when I talk to it. It doesn't understand me. So I spent all the evening talking in French to it. I said ' Je m'appelle Beth ; Quelle heure est- il? ; J'ai une règle; and Fermer tu mouth! ' It never responded at all. I then said 'Now look, if you are going to come over here, taking our Lavenders jobs the least you can do is learn the lingo'. Still ignored me. It's on sticky ground now. Well clay. My friend said ' Dry it out, put into little bags and voila! scent for your drawers'. I have followed her instructions and now I got a funny walk.

Also learned this week that the average human being farts 4 pints of gas a day. It seems mines Mr Husband is well above average!

Off on a road trip today with Elvis as my little sister likes to say. (The one who likes a drop of gravy in her wine!). She don't say the Elvis bit. I don't think she cares so much for Elvis as I. Be good, and if ye can't be good - don't get caught.

FRIDAY: Off to see me Osteopaff. He is in for a treat. I have wind. Blame the beans!

The Osteopaff said to me 'ye are just a spring chicken'. I do like him. Then he said 'Ye can live until ye are 90'. I said 'Gee thanks for the permission- but I have other plans'. Mines Mr Husband said 'What other plans?' I tells 'I am saving to go to the place with the chocolate and the snowy mountains where they give you cheerios for breakfast. I am going to have Youfunasia. It will cost me 700 squids'. Then he really pissed on me chips and he said '7000 squids- 7000'.  So I think that's 14,000 and I ain't no Carol Vorderman- I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But even I know that 7000 squids plus 7000 squids is 14000 squids. I got this figure by timsing the two sevens. Or addition for those not familiar with the times table. I cried- 'oh dear, I have so much more to save now'. He asks 'how much have ye already got then pickle?' and I tells him '99p so far'. He rooted in his pocket. He be a tight arse. He throwed me a penny and said 'Yer- now yer got yer first pound'. Thats just 13999 squids to go. I ain't no Carol Vorderman-  I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But I deducted the 1 squid from the 14000 squids to arrive at that figure. Anyways nows mines Mr Husband tells me that its only 7000 squids I have to find- or strictly speaking 6999. I wish he wouldn't confuse me- I am menopausal don't ya know? Mines Mr Husband said he don't be liking to see me sad and he said he will set up a 'go fund me' page (I think he said fund) to get me some money for the Youfunasia. See he really does love me.

SATURDAY: I have been almost cake free for many weeks now. Sadly it seems that its Mines Mr Husband who has been losing weight. Not me. I tells him 'I don't understand it- I eats like a little sparra.' He said 'Well to be fair my little gherkin ye don't. Ye eats more like a seagull- a flock thereof'. Sometimes I just don't want to share my food with him when he says stuff like this. He is soooo Rude!

MONDAY: Tis all excitement here. I am having real visitors. Not like the ones I had yesterday. That was awkward. I thought he was visiting. After much tea and chatting (mine)- he was tied to the chair and his mouth had gaffer tape on - it turns out he was only asking for directions. Tis very confusing this estate. Anyways today my real friend is coming and we are going to go to a pub for dinner and dance naked on the tables and twerk and whip our nae nae's. That's how we roll in Devon!

That is it for this week. Mines Mr Husband is asleep. He has left his old mankywankytooth under his pillow since he had it extracted trying to recoup some of the money he spent on having it out. I think the tooth fairy has a warped sense of humour cos she has thus far only left him 1 squid. Only 187 squids to go and he should be a very even Steven indeed.

I am now off to look for a parcel man to chat to.

Sheared Nuts, Testicles and Pussy Galore

Thursday: Mmmm Bob has flat tyres. Not a happy girly I am not. Are Bob and I victims of  a tyre hater? Or have I been a numpty and driven both tyres over something sharp? This is putting pay to my adventures.

Monday: This morning I am  toying with running through the streets with me knickers on me head, whipping me nae nae shouting 'hot bananas' and 'Justice for Napoleon- give him his eye back'. Mr Husband said 'Nooo, don't do that- last time your boobies clapped together so hard the neighbours thought it was a massive thunder storm and took cover. And even the budgie hid under his sand sheet'. However, I never listen to him and I have cramp in me foot. What's a girl to do? You can't sit still with that!

Also today I am very pleased with Mines Mr Husbands yearly report from work. It says he has been very good. He has worked hard, and he has done all the jobs properly. He has used his initiative and he has shown good 'Leadership' skills!!  I know- I am confused too. So why has not got the promotion? ??? Then it said  he worked well with ALL of his team mates. They emphasised the ALL. I think this translates as praise for not killing the fat slimy git who steals other peoples promotions. I have advised him many times 'tie the fat barstewards laces together when he is at the top of the metal stairs and then give him a little nudge'. I would. But no- he has behaved so now he is bosses pet. I wondered why he was taking an apple to work everyday. There was me thinking it was to keep the Dr away! All in all- a good report. Good Boy. Star on the chart for him this week.

 Friday: Been to see mines little sister today (the one that likes a drop of gravy in her wine and goes braless in CO-OP). We took a van again. We was chuffed. Well I was. I was able to get Mines Mr Husband a whole Venison for tea. It was deaded as a doornail. Fresh too. Also seven Badgers, A fox fur, Two rabbits, A Buzzard and an Ant Eater. Then I found two bits of lorry tyre, a bag of sand and Sofa Cushion (also very deaded- not breathing at all and ready stuffed). Good job we had a van is what I say.  Plus, four times today mines Mr Husband has let me drive past Dunelm. All in all a good day. Apart from the flat tyres on Bob situation ;-(  )

Sunday morning: Well I am all at sixes and sevens and eights today. Me top and yoga pants are on back to front. I am like a feckin raggy doll. But Mines Mr Husband is going to turn me head round in a minute so all will be well. No wonder I got octopus new roger in me neck. Also last night Mines Mr Husband declared he wanted to experiment in my bedroom on me new bed. I agreed it would make a change. This only actually means he wants to sleep in me bed next to me for a night. The condition was that he didn't snore- I haves enuff trouble sleeping as tis. He was good. He only snored loud once and then I tickled his cracked with a wire brush. (Nothing else works very well since the gorilla glue thing! - if ye don't then ye will have to go to my blogspot, Depression, Aspergers and Hats. I tell ye I am big in Alaska. And Russia for some bizztsar reason. I think the Russians got the BFG keeping an eye on me. Also I rank number 4 on Google if ye should happen to google KNICKERS or Manky Wanky Donkeys). Anyways the experiment didn't work well and I ended up in his bed because I was in pain. Then later he woke up and come in to his bed. Then I got up and went back to my bed. Then he woke up this morning and came and got back in my bed. I never even used to have this much trouble with the kids! Anyways tonight is Sunday. I spends Sunday night at Johnny Depps. So all good there. Mines Mr Husband can have the pick of the beds. Anyways we off to Tesco now for a bit o' pork - hopefully I will get chance to do me wrecking ball routine. (If ye don't knows about that either ye best go to me blogs!!!) Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

 Sunday Afternoon: SO a disappointing trip to Tesco. I did get pork. But they have hidden all the space hoppers in a bid to stop my 'antics' the security man said. Also I am banned from the wrecking ball routine, twerking or whipping nae nae in store. He also mentioned that if I do any of the following it will be seriously frowned upon:

Nibbling all the cheeses in the chiller cabinet or wine and whiskey tasting. (Apparently some shit about not being able to sell opened bottles and packets).

Pinching or smacking random bottoms because they are bent over- male or female.

Climbing naked in the freezer (what's a menopausal gal supposed to do on hot days?)

Swapping babies from one trolley to another when mums have their backs turned. Or indeed removing tantrummy toddlers from the shop and standing them in the middle of the road outside. (Once I did that! Once. Or maybe twice- but not more- probably. Some people can't let anything go).

Adding expensive (or otherwise) goods to peoples trolleys when they are not looking (ditto removing items).

Modelling the swimwear or the underwear in the aisles (you would think they would be grateful- I do it for free!)

Or asking the Manager 'How's you're arse for cracking walnuts on this fine day sir?'

Or hijacking the tanoy and announcing an impromptu sale of everything just 10p. (I don't know why - it worked wonderfully well last time- they should employ me as sales manager full time).

And no standing with the fruit and veg and asking passers by if they would like to feel my lemons. I mean melons. Or asking them if they think cucumbers and bananas are rude fruit.

And finally I have to stop calling 'Trudi' - my friend Kathy Jones because she is not my friend Kathy Jones but she is Trudi. (They are lying. She is my friend Kathy Jones because she looks exactly like her and that's how I know!)

And then the security guard said 'Put your top down and stop jiggling your boobies at me- it doesn't work- I have seen it all stood yer on this door'. He is miserable fecker. He needs sacking.

They are just not enticing me to shop in their store me thinks! Every little helps!

TUESDAY:

Well I seem to be here again. So soon. All at sixes and sevens and eights. Possibly nines and tens as well. I know ye all be thinking 'Oh no, they been experimenting in the bedroom again'. Nope. Not going there again! Tis all this night shift stuff that Mr Husband engages in. I was doing ok until hers next door with the neatly trimmed bush and the wayward pussy tells me someone was trying her front door one night. I thought someone was trying mine one night too. But I concluded it was my mind being like my bladder. Overactive. I got up more times than I can count last night to check and double check doors and windows. I am no Carol Vorderman. I prefer to think of myself more like Rachel Riley. Anyways the result is a head like a mashed banana wired into a plug socket. Mines Mr Husband says 'you go to bed naked (apart from orgasm socks)- what would ye do if someone did break in?' I said 'chase them, jiggling my boobies and shouting "don't even think about it mate- I am menopausal and I haven't had any cake for six weeks". He thought about it for a second and he said 'Yep- that should do it'. On the plus side I am having an electric man today so I best clear the cupboard ready- and find me rope and gaffer tape.

The last time the Electrician came here he went outside to turn the water off. He came back in complaining he has sheared his nuts off in my bush looking for the stop cock. I hope there is no repeat of that today. Although it has to be said I haven't trimmed me bush for some considerable time. He could be in there quite a while today...........

 Later in the day: OMG- its the exact same electrician that sheared his nuts off in my bush before. He is still suffering. He said he will not even attempt to go in my bush this time. I need a specialist Electrician. Now my name is going on a big list on the office wall! I guess it comes under unruly bushes and nut shearers.

 Evening: An interesting visit from the Electric man. He walked and took one look at me and said 'oooh I think I have been yer before- can ye remember?' 'Can I remember? I haven't been able to think of nothing else' I tells him.  Then I reminded him 'Ya told me that ya wanted to replace me pipework. Ya removed me drawers (a bit cackhanded if ye asks me), then ya decides to fiddle with yer stop cock in me bush out in the street, sheared off yer nuts and then ya tries to replace me drawers and ya left them in a twist'. Me husband comes home and he wasn't happy but like most men ya disappeared into the ether not to be found again'. He said 'tis all coming back to me'. Anyway I am on a 'list' in the office now re: sheared nuts. He came back again to see me to tell me! Never apologised though for leaving me drawers in a twist. How Rude!

WEDNESDAY: 

I will be glad when mines Mr Husband finishes this shitty night shift - I am all over the place. I am here, there and everywhere. Not knowing whether I am coming or going. Sixes and sevens up to ninety threes and ninety fours. The night before last was sitting up nursing a migraine. Last night Wind. I started off by giving the neighbours a three gun salute outta the bedroom window which by dawn had escalated to chemical warfare. Not one fired back. We call this the element of surprise. I am a trained sniper me. I have took out half an estate and all before they knew what was happening. Last time I experiment with a bread roll topped with onions.. if we don't leave some people on the estate I won't have anyone to do case studies of humans on.

 Other news this week:

Whoop Whoop- I have lost some weight. I noticed me elbows are thinner. Thats what happens when  you stop eating cake.

I found out Pussy Galores name was not real. Nope. Her real name is Fanny Everywhere.

My muvver and favver don't bovver with sex anymore. She says they just roll their eyes at each other. Sometimes she can't even be bovvered to roll his back.

By Closing your eyes & rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference!

It also gets you banned from Tesco

The landlord tells me to get to grips with over grown bush. Its getting tangled round the legs of passersby now. He says 'just yank it out from the roots'. I am sure there must be a more pain free method!

 

Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!

Dirty Gertie, Slack Alice and the Bee Hive

Well me mate Theresa was calling by yesterday to go shoe shopping. Only she changed her mind at the last minute. Something about an election or something. I was at a loose end when Dirty Gertie called. Do ye remember me mate Dirty Gertie? Yeah that's the one. The one with the Vajazzle. Yes- the one who had the infection. Dirty minger hers is. Well she called me yesterday. She wanted me to go to the beauty salon place. I said 'they ain't feckin miracle workers ye knows'. Anyways she said she was going for that new treatment I was talking about. You know- the wasp nest up the nunny. Apparently her fancy man Trevor wanted her to go. Yep thats right hers got a fancy man. Met him up 'Grab a Granny' night up the bingo. He got funny eyes- they always be looking both ways for Wednesday. He also got a limp. An old war wound he says. He wasn't even born in the war. He just a lazy shite. He and Dirty Gertie been rowing cos she wants him to have his tattoos on his knuckles removed. 'I love me mam' it says. But he said he wouldn't be unfaithful to his mam for no woman so instead he painted I love Gertie on his Robin Reliant. He got I LOV down one side and E G on the front and R A T down the other side and two big X X on the back.  He dyslexic as well. Then on the bonnet he tried to paint a union Jack to show his loyalty to the King and Crown, (thats the pub- not the Royal Family) but he smudged it and then he tried to wipe it off with spit. He be a dirty fecker. Then he wiped it with his sleeve. Tis a right ol mess now- and the bonnet. Plus he only had blue paint. No red and no white. Still Gertie loves him. He sits on her balcony (up the tower block up town where she lives) swigging cider and vapourizing (all the rage now) singing along with the spice girls. I can't even repeat what he said he wouldn't like to do that Posh Spice on Friday night and a Saturday morning. 'Pure Heaven' is how Gertie gushes over him. Anyways she came round yesterday and she says that Trev wants her to go and have her Slack Alice tightened and she also heard about this Wasp nest up the slack Alice and wanted me to take her up the beauty salon. So I am a good friend so I did.

She was only in there a few minutes when she let out an almighty scream. She come out- she could hardly walk. I said 'ooooo, did it sting a bit'. She said 'no- they said they didn't have a wasp nest big enough'. Oooo-er. Dirty Gertie. Slack Alice or What!! Anyways she said 'I had to have an alternative'. Yep- tis true- I could see the legs of the beehive sticking out the legs of her drawers. Good job Winnie the Pooh lives so far away is what I say. Had to put her upside in the car to get her home. Good job I got a topless car is what she say!! She say- Trevor hasn't been home all night. He has an allergy to bees apparently. Guess that's another romance over before it Bee Gun.