Treats, Quality Sausage and Whipping my Nae Nae.

Mines Mr Husband took me up the muff for a treat. We had a quality sausage up the café. You know how I feel about quality sausage. Never have anything less. Also tis a nice Café. Posh. The first thing you see is when you open the door is the best cake on the planet. Well the best cake up the muff. Mines Mr Husband made me sit right up the back of the café so I wouldn’t drool over the cake. He told me I had to eat all my sausage before I could have cake. I sat there still looking at all the peoples all down the café (tis a long café). I was worried they would eat all the cake before I had finished partaking of my quality sausage. So when Mines Mr Husband left me unattended for a minute or two I stripped off, climbed on the table, grabbed the nearest light fitting and swang through the café singing wrecking ball. The café cleared in seconds apart from the old geezer in the corner. He tried to have a stroke. I was just getting round to whipping me nae nae and who should appear to piss on me beans but Mr Husband himself. He was cross and said I couldn’t have cake if I didn’t come down. In the end we struck a deal- I would only come down if I got cake. He had to relent and  I had a cake that had icing and inch thick and I am still on the ceiling. I am typing this with my nose.

Anniversary Surprise and White Sharks

Mines Mr Husband: ‘What are you doing pickled pudding?’

ME: ‘Writing down some ideas for Wedding Anniversary surprise for mines muvver and favver. They need cheering up’.

MMH: ‘Let me see’. (Takes my list only yet half done)…. ‘Mmm- I am not sure about this list’ then he starts to read it back- like I didn’t know what I had written but then he put a question mark into all the suggestions:

Wing Walking? Parachute Jump? White water Rafting? Abseiling or bungee jumping (ask their preference)? Sky diving? Segway rally? (ask about dodgy hips) Power boat thrill? Extreme dodgems? Snowboarding? Roll them down a hill in a big see through ball? (Posh people call it zorbitting), Race car thrill?’ He then says ‘Well you just take them for a drive – that will do it’- then he got to the bit Swimming with white sharks and he gasped. ‘Swimming with white sharks? What made you think of that? Do you really, really think they would want to do that? Really?’ I tells him ‘well they liked it at Tropiquaria a couple of years back’. He said ‘Well they didn’t swim with white sharks there and all the fish and whatnot were behind glass in big tanks. They didn’t get in and swim did they?’ I said ‘well, no, tis true but mines favver put his hand in the ‘experience the sea pond thingy’ and touched a star fish’. He said it was hardly the same thing (I beg to differ) and was dangerous. I said ‘mines muvver and mines favver live for danger’. He said ‘I don’t think so- what are you trying to do- wasn’t giving them your deadly flu enough?’. I said ‘I think you will find you gave them your deadly flu!’. He said ‘I think some flowers and chocolates would be better and safer whilst your mum is waiting for her heart thingy’. See what I mean about him. Now he wants to piss on their cornflakes as well.

Nice Xmas, Beards and Santa.

Sooo back to work today for everyone- although mines Mr Husband has not been home yet because the big fat slimy granny murdering bastard who buys his wife aftershave for xmas and steals other peoples promotions from under thems nose is a giant prick. (Note here he hasn’t been near work for almost a fortnight- although in fairness he is probably helping her in doors with her beard). I am pleased because Jumping Jerk Flash, (aka Billy Banana no friends my next door idiot) is gone back to work- I keep going out and walking up and down the drive just because I can without the idiot popping up from behind the wall to scare me half to death. Today is the day when everywhere you go (and indeed the rest of the week) when everyone says ‘Did you have a nice xmas?’- and everyone says ‘yes, quiet. And you?’ (Not really caring if you did or not). Nobody says ‘Well not really- I over ate to keep up with Santa, I am up to debt in my neck and have to go bankrupt  because the kids would have suffered enormously (in my mind and to ease my conscience) if I hadn’t of bought them everything their little hearts desired’. Or ‘it was too painful for me because no-one wanted me cos I am a miserable fecker’. Or ‘No- we had aunty Violet again- she sat in the corner sucking on a lemon and farting every three seconds and blaming the cat and filling our room with an aroma of old lady and rich tea biscuits’. Or ‘I didn’t get anything I wanted for xmas- I am so pissed off with everybody’. Yes Guys I am sooo glad I don’t go to work! Of course I have to go to the shops- and we all know the till staff are trained to ask ‘Did you have a nice Xmas’- and I will say ‘Quiet, and You?’ And then she will say ‘Yes’- Now can you please get off the conveyer belt and put your clothes on. Something along those lines. I get that every time I do a shop these days. Some people have no sense of adventure.

Happy New Year, Hot Glass and Hot Top Tits 2019

 What you all been waiting for here are few Beths hot top tits for 2019.

Don’t say you hope for a better year this year- make this year better for yourself. You have to put the effort in for change- yeah- really- so get off yer arse and get about it.

 Follow your dreams- don’t follow mine- you can only but imagine what happens in mine- they are weird!

Ditch the dumb ass and the waste of space-you don’t want that hanging round yer arse like a wet nappy forever and a day.

Make your life worth living and make yourself count. I don’t mean sheep and I don’t mean get yourself an abacus or take up maths-maths is for nerds. You only need be able to count slices of cake- i.e. 1. 1 very large one.

 Do something out of the ordinary. Run naked round town or along the sea wall. Ask a complete stranger to do a willy wave at you- or better still ask for his address. Only if he is hot to trot though.

 Don’t  step on hot glass because I tried this in 2018- it’s horrible.

If you are intending to move house this year, find the one you like, mark your territory- pee on the doorstep. It works. (Tested and proven  by yours truly).

Dance in the rain, and the snow and the sun and sing loud- sing –a- long with Beth and Elvis and Bob topless  if you like. Although Bob don’t do topless in the water- his knob gets soooo cold as it is.

Don’t wait for someone to visit you- visit them. Maybe they can’t get to you very easily. Maybe they got a dodgy hip or no toes. I know someone with no toes. It’s a pobble.

Don’t be hard on someone because they are not doing what YOU expect and don’t be hard because they didn’t bring you a gift. You have no idea what other people are going through. (Could be bankruptcy- some of us will).

And remember pamper youself and take time for youself. It’s ok to be everything to everyone- but not at the cost of your health. The world is running out of straight jackets.

Remember the 2^nd of January is baby making day. Get in there my friends- unless you don’t want a baby- in this instance you have pancake day to look forward to!

Now go get sober and get theeself down to the Dunelm sale – I hear bath mats are on offer.