Doris, Sunbeams and Badgerheads

Have you ever wondered what Beth is like first thing? If ye don’t need to wonder are ye a fecking stalker or what?

PART 1. Opens one eye. (Other still stuck to the pillow). Then tries to move. Can’t feel one leg. Starts wondering where other leg is. Still can’t feel other leg. Starts to panic ‘Oh no, my leg is gone, I can’t feel me fecking leg, where’s me leg- HELP!- Me leg has been stolen . Or eaten.’ Tries to sit up- opens other eye. Pulls self forward.  Leg definitely gone. More panicking. How will mines muvver and mines favver feel to know that their only daughter didn’t look after legs and managed to lose one In her sleep?  Pulls forward a bit more.  Relief- finds leg over the side of the bed freezing cold.  Thanks god that the crocodile infested waters that obviously surrounds bed in the dark didn’t eat said leg. Drags leg back into bed to get it warm. Puts electric blanket on and spies the mometer thingy is 26 degrees in the shade of the bookcase! Goes back to sleep.

PART 2. Wakes up boiling arse off and having a hot flush. Gets of out of bed to check to see if Doris across back is up. If Doris is up this means the world didn’t end in the night. If she isn’t this means it is either not yet 7am (check clock)- or if it is past 7am Doris is dead. If It’s not yet 7am she could still be dead but not to panic. I don’t hold Doris’s insurance documents. Then wonders if it is time for mines Mr Husband to be up.  Checks clock. If it is past 7.20am wonder where cuppa tea has got to. If no sign of movement is Mr Husband dead? Leave it for another ten minutes. Spend twenty minutes wondering where Insurance documents are in case he is dead. Research prices of camper vans. Turn off electric blanket and go back to sleep.

PART3. Wake up with squidgy head. Start unnecessary worrying about random shit. How do people in Wellington shop? Are there shops in Wellington? (Somerset, not New Zealand). Do armadillos have weetabix or cornflakes for breakfast?  What happened in Love Island last night? (Not really- do you really think I watch that shite?) How many types of gin are there? Should I learn to play the piano today or the trumpet?  Cue a few odd lyrics from Elvis and Abba songs and a verse of Jesus wants me for a sunbeam and remember my Uncle used to call his wife Badgerhead. And where the feck is that cuppa tea? Wonder if Doris is up yet!

So now you know- pretty much standard waking up for everyone? Yes?

Matching Balls and Naked Snowboarding

'Twas lovely of mines osteopaff to put mines intereverterbrates back in in mines back but I sure is bruised. It feckin hurts. So mines Mr Husband said to sit with the frozen peas again. That guys is why I am writing this from the second drawer down (or up if ye are laying down) in the freezer.

 Saturdays: We been watching the Olympics. Me favourite is the going on the slide on a red tea tray. And the snowboards. Tis my opinion the Olympics would be better if they all did it naked. I said to mines Mr Husband 'we could do that Snowboarding. We could do it naked. We could go up the Co-op, have a drop of Jack Daniels (for courage) and then you could slap some butter (or margarine cos its cheaper) on the handrails down the steps and we could practice. I have it all planned out and then next time the Olympics is on we could apply'. Then he said 'Ye can't do that with yer arfritic hips me little fruitcake and don't be forgetting that I got dodgy knees. We have to find something gentler at our time in life' . I knew that fecker would piss on me chips. I am going to suggest the knobbly skiing later cos he likes that. If he still refuses I am deffo putting our names down for the naked cruising of the coast of  Devon later this year. Deffo!

 Thursday: Don't do today what you can tomorrow. Don't put it off or whatever. You could be dead. Or someone else could be. Thats a hot top tit. Also talking of hot tits if you see someone with their head on fire- take no chances they are having a stroke and the advice is to either move away or call 999. I told mines Mr Husband if he sees me with head on fire he can let me die. Don't go mithering the ambulance people. They are busy and for real emergencies. He said 'I wouldn't let you die cos I love you'. I said 'well I will let you die'. He said that that was fair enough if that case then. I already had a mini stroke and he didn't see if me head was on fire or not. He wasn't yer was he. But I did say to him to check first- it might not be me having a stroke- no it might be cos I have had me hat too tight and me head just got too warm.

 Wednesday:  From me fan mail: 'Dear Aunty Beth- How do you keep looking so young?' Love Doris. Bet thats her over back yer with the cotton candy striped sheets from way back when. (I seed them on her line the other week having their yearly wash). Anyways  Good Question Doris. I will tell ye- cream. Plenty of creaming of the face I tell ye. Ye haves to have a lot of cakes- with cream in middle and on top - takes a lot of cake cream to stay looking so young! Simples. Or ye can buy it in a jar but tisn't so much fun. Have a nice day Doris. (P.S- I sees you picking yer nose every morning- don't forget to wave to me when you gets to the bridge!)

 Monday : I have watched a thingymajig about the best wellies to wear. The best hot top tit they had was that Kids wellies should be worn for short periods of time only. I think this is great advice because I really struggle to get kids wellies on! Murder to walk in! Also probably when I find Mines Mr Husband wellies at the road side I should try to find two the same size because he really moans about how uncomfortable they are and tis important wellies are comfortable! He will be well chuffed at me if I make a greater effort for him I am sure.

I also keeps seeing on the telly that if you got three matching balls ye are likely to get a prize. Also, not mentioned, lots of notoriety because ye should have only two balls! Please, if ye haves three matching balls ring me first.

And finally mines bestie has asked when I am going to write a new book- all I can say guys- is watch this space but meanwhile you can still get mines other two on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1518345117&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas

Bananas, Badgers and Testicles

Oh I have a real devil may care attitude today. Not only have I upset pathetic Ant Mcpartlin fans I have dared to load me own dishwasher! Obviously Mines Mr Husband has had to re-load it properly- but nevertheless I did it. I may carry on in this way- I might mix the recycling up later! Anyways you be wondering what else I been upto this week I bet. So here tis:

 Thursday :If I were to ask you who you thought I loved the most in the world today, you could be forgiven for saying it was you, or Mr Husband, or my children or my grandchildren or even my dog. My dog? WTF are you on about? You know I ain't got a dog. I got a pussy but we don't go there on cold days like today thank you. No siree. Tis none of these things that I love the most today. Anyways the person I love most in the world today is mines osteopaff. I have been in soooo much pain for two or more weeks now. No-one knew this because I just bare it. Also I get on with the pain. Although to be fair it did get too bad one day so I took two paracetomol. But mines wonderful osteopaff fitted me in with an appointment and found a bone out in mines neck and that mines pelvis had twisted . I blame jailhouse rock meself-  I was a listening to that in the week. Tis well known for sending Pelvis's into the ether is that. He laid me on that bed and he pulled, pushed and stuck things in me. Today I am floating like a piece of light fluffy bread. I can actually stand up straight and move me head from side to side. How cool is that? Mr Osteopaff I love you to the moon and back! However, today I have a pain betwixt the shoulder blades- I blame this on listening to Dolly Partons greatest tits. What with the weight of hers and mine combined.......................

 Friday: We was driving out to our muvvers and when we got close I sees two dead badgers. Whole. A pair. With eyes and everyfin. 'STOP' I shouts at Mines Mr Husband- 'tis a late birfday present for ye'. He says 'if it's someat dead, I don't want nuffin else'. I tells him its badgers. He likes badgers. 'You likes badgers' I says.  He says he likes them but he likes them living thank you very much. I says to him 'Well I can't do fecking bringing back to life miracles but I can recycle them' He said 'Look I had a nice pair of trainers for me birfday and I am happy with that'. 'I know that' I tells him- 'I thought ye would like a nice pair of slippers made with badger' I says. By then we was at me muvvers cos he wouldn't stop even when I lifted me top and flashed mines boobies. However the man coming in the opposite direction swerved and went in the hedge- silly sod. Anyways I got me mobility walker out and I went back up the road- I picked them up in me walker and brings them back. I got mines favver to put them in a carrier bag disguised as large spuds. Mines Mr Husband won't even know until he gets slippers! Also I seed me bestie Kim- I think she wants me to do her fringe.

Thursday : I said to mines Mr Husband 'I love kayaking in the bath'. He said 'You dyslexic fruit bat- yakking- it's yakking in the bath you love'. I said 'ho eayh'. Good job I got him or I could end up in a elkcip.

Monday I found out Guys you can get Botox for your Testicles. Tis called Scrotox. Don't be wasting your £'s. Just chuck an ice cube in your under crackers- that will do the same thing. I am going to try it out on Mines Mr Husband later.

Tuesday I had an electician. Well when I say had..........he came to look in me little cupboard. I must say these electrician blokes are nice are they not? Although I have to say they are not too happy when you take the cable and start tying them up to put in the cupboard under the stairs. 'Think of the kids missus' he said. I said 'I never think of my kids when I am tying up men to keep under the stairs. My kids just don't wanna know'. He said 'not your kids missus- mine- I gotta get to the childminder and pick them up- tis my turn'. I must be getting soft in me ol age cos I had to let him go. I showed him me boobies on the way out though and told him to come again- he is always wellcum here!

Final thought: I have read this week there is going to be a shortage of bananas. Well less of a shortage and more of an extinction. Thats going to play havoc with hers across the roads love life I fear. I just hope we don't have the same issue with cucumber or she is really going to be stuffed. (Or not as the case maybe.)

Lube for the Python, Air Cadets and Eggs

Tis been a funny week here what with me uterus and me ovaries going missing and all. Thrown us all the week it has so much so that Mines Mr Husband didn't remember he had to go to work one day- 'twas the granny murdering barsteward who steals other peoples promotions that reminded him. I don't know why Mines Mr Husbands forgets all the other things. He must have the dementia coming on. He is old now. He had another birfday last week. He stayed at home and chilled and I bought him burgers and a cake. No wild parties here. I did offer to take him in the supermarket to show him I have no shame like him but he reminded me that I was still on a ban for the naked in the freezer thing whilst singing 'do ya wanna build a snowman'. So here is this weeks musings- sorry for the shortness but thats how I was born. Little and lovely. Also the blog is shorter cos we have been all at sea this week- (the uterus and the ovaries thing).

 Well at Mines Mr Husbands behest me, Bob and Elvis been to the shops. Tis 4mins there and usually three hours back. But I found a short cut today and it took 4mins home as well. Bob and Elvis wanted to go on tour but I put me foot down with a firm hand today. There was some air cadets at the shop - I guess they are going to pester shoppers to pack their shopping all day. Well the girl with the ample bosom and the family size gateaux from Iceland bottom with integrated bike rack and mud all over the back of her uniform (I am alluding to nuffin)- well she said she was cold and didn't want to stand there anymore. (It's not even cold in Devon today- not bikini weather either and I wish I hadn't worn mine). The lanky lad with the nervous stomach and a penchant for sticking to rules said 'we can't sign in for 5mins yet'. (Thems are the rules). She said she didn't give a stuff and she was going in anyway- and so she did and all the others followed. The lanky lad with the nervous stomach and a penchant for sticking to rules was saying 'we are not supposed to go in for another 5mins'- but he went anyway. I said 'God feckin help us if our country gotta rely on you lot in a war. God help us when the Russians comes a calling. Can't follow rules- can't stand in the cold- charging in before waiting for the command'. Please don't ever let that bunch carry out air raids- it will be surely hit and miss- much like the shopping they will be packing for customers today. On the plus side a girl who likes that much cake must never be toyed with -especially when she is on a cake mission!

I learned also that :

Research has shown that 65% of people who eat two eggs a day for breakfast lose more weight than those who don't. Tis true cos I read it in the Bella magazine. So it seems I need to have more cake for breakfast cos that it is how I prefer me eggs on a morning. (That and unfertilized!)

And finally I want to give thee a Beths hot top tit:

A man, last year was killed in his bedroom by his python who loved him a little bit too hard. Now this has made me think hard about all you guys who take to your rooms alone to play with you pythons. Tis dangerous. So if your python is over 4ft long please don't go locking yerselves in your room to engage in loving and petting with it without a chaperone. A chaperone can not only observe but could save your life if your python loves you just a little too hard!! Don't say ye haven't been warned! (P.S- I would recommend a good lubricant so ye can slip free if necessary- pythons aren't as slippery as they always look)!

 

Polished Uterus, Missing Ovaries and Easter Gin.

I been up the lady hospital today. I was having a few problems so I was.If ye are a man or a bit squeamish ye may want to put yer fingers in yer ears. First Doctor poked around then declared she was perplexed because she couldn't locate the uterus. I said 'If ye read the notes ye would see I don't have one'. 'Oh' she said 'What happened to it?'. I tells her 'I takes it out for polishing on a Sunday, the phone rings, I puts it down and then when I goes to get it what da ya know Mines Mr Husband has feckin tidied up and its never to be seen again'. She said 'That explains the lack of ovaries then'. I said 'Ye gods ye ain't so good at the note reading thing are ye? Read the notes. I kept thems little feckers  for a rainy day'. Ye never knows when ye are going to be needing an ovary. She says ovaries without a uterus just floats around all over the shop. Anyways she still can't find them. I tells 'You need to look in me ears me dear, ye shall surely see them then, that's how Dr Anderson located them a few years back'. Tis true he did. I told him I had the earache and he looked in and asked 'When you had your uterus removed did you keep your ovaries? ' I was up and outta that chair. He could see them I am sure. Anyways this doctor woman kept looking for me ovaries and sure as eggs is eggs (preferably unfertilised because I don't have a uterus)- well she still couldn't find them. So if anyone finds a couple of ovaries floating around- they be mine. Then the Dr had a look- she was of foreign extraction- she said she could see me sister. I said 'oh me giddy goats trousers on toast- I don't have a feckin sister- I am an only child me'. She said 'no- I said you have a cist here'. She declared I have a 'perfect cervix that has never had children'- So I am childless it seems. Has anyone told my kids this? Also she said 'You am now no longer menopausal'- well that was feckin quick I must say- I only started that.  'Look yer', I said 'I was enjoying that and now I have no defence if I strangles anyone. Or shoplifts. Or gets naked in the freezer in Tesco. Or flashes me boobies without as much as thought. Anyways she says 'you haven't got enough easter gin' and she gived me easter gin. I gived it back. I told her I am strictly a Baileys girl. No easter gin in this house!  So all good here ladies. (And gentlemen who are not squeamish).

Hot Flesh, A Jar of Farts and Three Men in A Tub.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my lovely faithful followers. For regular updates you can find me on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1

So here's how 2018 started in Beth and Elvis and Bobs world. So far so good!

FRIDAY; Got up in the night to find three naked men squashed in my bath telling me they had moved in and I would just have to suck it up buttercup. Suck something up anyway. 'Rubadubdub, three men in a tub'- I thought me luck was changing. Then I looked a bit closer and I thought 'well two of them ain't too bad- I guess I can live with them'. One was a bit ropey to be honest but I didn't think I would be able extricate him from that tangle of hot flesh in the middle of the night. Went back to bed and thought nothing of it until I got up this morning and went to check on them-quite excited I was too. Well bugger me if they hadn't all got up and moved out again without as much as a goodbye and thank you for the hospitality. How Rude. That's the last time I leave the front door open at bedtime! And certainly the last time I let three men in my bath at the same time......or maybe not.

SATURDAY:Sometimes its not until you do family history you realise the close links between you all in profession. For instance, Mines Mr Husband's great grandfather was a gas collector. Yes he was the very person Christine Aquliaria wrote that song about- collecting a jar of farts. Now mines Mr Husband is also in the gas industry- (he does this alongside his job at the airport- before, during and after). He doesn't so much collect gas as he distributes it. Generously so too. If you should ever happen to be in his company you just keep your ears and nostrils alert and you may be witness to his generosity!!!

WEDNESDAY; According to mines Mr Husband you check the pulse to see if you are still alive. Or anyone else. He showed me how to do it. I do have it in one arm. Whoohoo. He also said that you have a pulse in your groin and in your throat. So when he caught me with hands round me sisters throat I told him I was checking her pulse. He seemed to believe that. He even seemed to encourage me. However, when he caught me with me hands down the postman's trousers he was less understanding. Really I did think that postman didn't look well! I was only doing the man a good turn!

MONDAY:I chipped a tooth on a hard pear over this holiday. It just goes to prove that fruit is bad for you. A New Years Beths Top Tit- stick to cake and maltesers. Can't go far wrong with that. I have never chipped a tooth on cake or chocolate!

 TUESDAY: I have been laid awake all night listening the wind howling and booming against my window. Thats the last time I let Mines Mr Husband eat so many veg in one sitting. Also the last time I let him sleep in my bed. Or near the window!

SUNDAY: Ye are probably all thinking Beth be very quiet today. She probably got a big bag of chocolates for breakfast. I have as well. How do ye know that? Can't keep nuffin to meself. Anyways me and Bob and Elvis been on a trip to Morrisons. 4 minutes exactly it takes to get there from our house. I timed it. I even shopped without incident. Apart from the fannying about old woman who dogged me all the way round. She is in the cold store out the back now. That will be a nice surprise for someone when they go to stock up on frozen fish fingers. Anyways it took me 3 hours to get home. Bob and Elvis went on a jolly. 'This way' I am saying 'I am sure it's this way'. They are saying 'No, it's this way'.  'It's Way O Down' Elvis Kept singing. They tricked me. Did you know, basically Tiverton is one massive circle? Until you get on the motorway. Tis just one straight line is that. Do bundle up if you go outside. Tis frightfully cold out there! And do watch out for comatose iguanas falling from trees. It could be fatal for ye.

FINAL THOUGHT: Also has anyone else ever shopped in an empty aisle not because its empty or because they needed something but just because the aisle looked lonely and they felt sorry for it? Just me then!