Lesbian and Cake shaped adventures

After the adventure at the dark and wet adventure in the bush mines Mr Husband thought it would a good idea to take me somewhere else. I like being taken in different locations. Variety is the spice of life. Why he thought this would be a good idea I have no idea. Nevertheless we headed to the river for a little stroll.

 Well we strolled along the bank of the river, not in the river itself because I had me new shoes on. We watched all the other people having a good time. Some people were sat on my favourite bench having a picnic. I was very annoyed to say the least. You walk all that way and are in dire need of a sit down on your favourite bench and there's a feckin family from yonder estate having a friggin picnic on it. Never one to let someone else having a picnic deter me I plonked myself in between an old man and a cake shaped woman- (actually that's my kind of woman is that - not in a lesbian sort of way-les be straight on that- but in a cake sort of way). 'Budge up fatty' I said in my most politest voice, 'and give us a bit of thee cake'. Mines Mr Husband looked a bit embarrassed so he just stood back and watched from the side lines. There was a little kid in front of me with a bottle of fizzy. I was sooo thirsty. So I asked him for some.  'Don't you know that's bad for you?' I asked him. 'It ain't' he protested. 'it ain't is it mum?' he said looking at the cake shaped woman sat next to me. She couldn't answer, she had a face full of cake. This was, I reckon so she wouldn't have to share it with me. Some peoples can be very mean with cake. 'It is too', I said. 'Its full of sugar. 17 spoonfuls in one bottle. More than twice the governments recommended daily dose. Your teeth will all rot and fall out and you will fart all night. Ye shall be a danger to thee candle'. He started wailing. Loudly. Touchy!! I tussled with him to get it out of his hand. But he had a vice like grip on that. Kids are like that from estates. (If you come from one such estate I am sorry to hear that. Also my publisher will advise I apologise if you are over sensitive and get offended easily. All I can say is move away from that bitch next door- don't let her pick on ye anymore). It's a survival technique they learn before they can even walk- they learn it at the same time as learning how to make a pot noodle and get crisps out of the cupboard. Then once that is achieved they need to learn how to keep hold of it before some nifty tealeaf haves it outta their hands. Eventually some old geezer who could have been the grand father or the uncle or even the father stood up and said 'c'mon lets go'. The cake shaped woman just looked at him and said 'feck off  you Merv, we don't know who you are'. She did know who he was- she call him Merv! Anyways he walked off on his own. Then she gathered up five or six kids, and a snotty baby before realising he wasn't even hers and promptly dumped the poor little sod back on the grass and he crawled off bawling, and she put her bottle of water (in a vodka bottle none the less-that be no way to treat water) in her Asda's carrier bag and picked up a dirty old leopard print jacket and stomped off, kicking up grass as she went. Mines Mr Husband came and plonked his weary arse next to mine. He looked shell shocked bless him. 'It be ok my lover' I said. 'I will look after thee'. Then after we had a rest and watched the world going by we wandered along some more. We saw Merv, he was sat chatting to a group of teenage lads who kept calling him grand dad. Then we found a nice spot by the river to sit down on my favourite tree stump. A tree surgeon was breaking off branches of a tree and throwing them down. Mines Mr Husband said he was not a tree surgeon but a thoughtless and uncouth yob who should not have been breaking the tree up. In hindsight I think mines Mr Husband was probably right. Lots of people were throwing sticks (that the tree surgeon had thrown down) into the river and shouting 'fetch'. Dogs were jumping in left right and centre and bringing sticks back. A dog brought me a stick. I thought that was kind of him. I didn't know he and he didn't know me. I threw it back it the water and shouted 'fetch'. Immediately without hesitation mines Mr Husband threw himself into the river and brought the stick back- after wrestling it from the jaws of the dog that had brought to me in the first instance. He did that several times more until he was exhausted. I was pleased because I think I have at last trained mines Mr Husband to obedience standard. Even my little dog Mitzi didn't go and get a stick when told to.  When we got home he said 'Oh I think I have caught the sun, my cheeks are aglow. They are burning'. After all  t'was very sunny and very warm. 'Well', I said 'Tis your own fault, you shoulda kept your trousers on- or at least applied some xfactor'. Think we shall go there again. I enjoyed that afternoon. Might even take me own cake.