Dawns of Mist.

I have had a bar of chocolate for breakfast. The sort with pink coconut inside. Normally I would have something healthy- ish. Fruit, coconuts-Oooo- yep there was coconut in it, that's a brownie point for me then- or  I may have a yogurt or porridge laced with maca powder and topped with fresh cream obviously. However, due to lack of fruit and fresh cream and the mood I am in I had a chocolate truffle bar. Even chocolate is good for your health- good for your heart, raises serotin levels (an essential constituent of any depressives diet) and better still good for your memory. I eat lots of chocolate to ward off depression, heart attacks and dementia. Win Win. I just wish it would ward off the spare tyre I seem to have acquired. I am writing this today though because I am having a bad day. A really bad day. I am showered and I am dressed- I don't do PJ days, or duvet days unless I got the flu. And I am talking real flu. Not that man flu crap. I don't understand PJ days or duvet days. I can't go through the day without having a wash and getting dressed. I don't like sitting unwashed in my PJs under a duvet watching Jeremy Kyle and the great unwashed part of society airing their dirty laundry for all the world to gaze upon. Some people laugh at it and some enjoy it. I only tut and sigh and wonder what the world is coming to when I am unfortunate enough to catch snippets of it during a channel change.

What kind of a mood are you in BizzyLizzie? I hear you ask. Low. How low? Mr Husband asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I told him no because I don't want my coffin awash with tea. No ones their coffin to resurface and float because its filled with tea. That's how low my mood is.

We went for an adventure yesterday. A day of Mists. Some adventure that turned out to be - Mr Husband did say we could go the day before. It was his idea. I was up at half six ready and waiting by the door in me hat and gloves and socks. In the excitement all I thought about was keeping me extremities warm. At nine o'clock I was fuelling Mr Husband with coffee to revive him from his slumber. He didn't seem to keen to take me out as he had promised. Poor soul was tired. Eventually he emerged showered and dressed but still seemed like he may be ready to start the day. I had been raring to go since six thirty. You know how I like an adventure. And the Maca powder has been doing wonders for my energy levels so it seems. Not seemingly Mr Husband. We decided to go to Seaton Marshes- I love to be near to the birds and the wildlife- its almost always a quiet and fascinating hobby to have. Mr Husband was very quiet and I began to wish I hadn't been so keen to go. I don't  like it when he is quiet. I told him he could turn round and go back if he wanted. But he didn't want. Or so he said. I was my usual chatty self. He never answered or indulged in conversation. I took the hint. I am a bright lass. We found the bird hide. There were no birds hiding in it. I did see some outside though- and despite having a fall off the seat in the bird hide I enjoyed myself. Mr Husband never said a lot. We found a nice grave yard. I love graveyards. I took some photos. We did the graveyard in silence almost too. Well Mr Husband didn't have much to say really. The residents weren't too chatty either. A rather chilling and menacing mist descended. It rolled behind us and chased back to the car where it sent its brother to wait for us. It was too cold and eerie for our liking so over a cuppa and a biscuit we decided to leave Seaton. Then I took Mr Husband to our favourite place in Exmouth for fish and chips where he suddenly became very vocal about the raised prices in the fish and chip shop. At least he truly is still living I thought. We sat in the car looking at the estuary and ate our fish and chips reflecting on the large increase in price and whether we would be able to afford to have fish and chips anymore. We watched the menacing mist rolling over the sea and up the estuary. It was coming to find us again. Mr Husband put the radio on. There had been an bad accident on the road we had been on only half an hour since. I turned to Mr Husband and I said 'It's been a day of mists- menacing mists across the sea, we just mist that accident and we just mist that pheasant that flew in front of us on the way down'. 'Indeed' he said. I suggested home. I had wanted to have a proper day and a proper adventure and see the sunset. But the mist was going to make sure I mist that too. On my evening reflection I just didn't enjoy the day because I knew Mr Husband didn't either. I didn't even get to collect anything from my adventure even though I spied a dead thingymajig and a couple of hub caps.

That's only partly why I am down though. You see sometimes I can pinpoint something that makes me low and sometimes it seems nothing makes me low. Just as I can pinpoint why I have highs and sometimes I can't. The last couple of weeks, since mothers day when my youngest son came and seen me, I have been 'up there'. I thought I was seeing light at the end of a tunnel of what seems to have been months of darkness. But all good things must come to an end so they must. And this period of being 'up there' has peaked and then plummeted at an alarming rate. It started with my guilt over a failed adventure and my dragging a poor husband on an adventure when all he wanted to do was rest his weary body. I finished a book I had been reading on my kindle. I wasn't ever keen on the idea of the kindle. I love my books. I love to feel a book in my hands and I love to turn pages. I love the smell of a book. So I resisted the kindle. Mr Husband, well he wanted a kindle straight away so I bought him one. It goes everywhere with him. He has it so full he has to often delete books in order to download more. I eventually relented and bought one because I needed a particular book at once and I would have had to have waited an age for it to come from America. So I bought the kindle and had the book downloaded in seconds the same day. Some time after that Mr Husband bought me a better kindle. So I use both. There are not many books on either. I tend to always pay full price for a book whereas Mr Husband likes to download hundreds of freebies. Last night I realised why and this morning I found an even more important difference in us. Why I pay for a quality book and he downloads the free stuff. The differences I discovered between us in our relationship and that is why I feel I don't want to go on living right now. Everyone thinks I won't kill myself but I don't see many, if any alternatives some days.

When I finished my latest book last night I wanted to download another in a series of books I hadn't read. So I went to Amazon and picked the book and tried to download it. For some reason it only wanted to download to the older kindle I have. I had to go into the settings and make some adjustments. There was a little message in there from Amazon giving me the option of sharing my library with my family. How annoying is it to find with these E readers that you cannot share your books. With a real book you can share. I ran the idea past Mr Husband- I don't really think for one minute he will want to read anything that I read. I did think however that given he downloads so many books I may find one or two of his interesting. He agreed and we began to 'share' libraries. I waded for an hour or more through his lists of books. Past all the science fiction fantasy- his idea of escapism but not mine. I don't get it. It maybe just the aspergers but I am not perturbed that I don't get it. It's not a hindrance to my way of living. I went on and I waded past the copious amounts of 'internet racketeering, get rich quick without moving off your fat lazy arse and then still die poor' books. Books on snoring and high blood pressure- unread of course. I found one or two on Reiki that I think may be ok- his attempt at trying to understand what I love. For that I take me hat off to him. And anything he else has asked. I was somewhat disconcerted to find in the collection a book called 'How to shoot anyone'- apparently though this is one of the many digital photography books he has also downloaded. I spied the complete works of Shakespeare in one book- but I guess this was his attempt at getting a little of Shakespeare under his belt for that damned quiz show he went on a couple years back. For a man who never downloads or has an interest porn there was an awful lot of lesbian porn and aerial porn (for those like him who works in the air industry- I guess this is his fantasy about the female fraternity of the air industry- he once admitted some them caught his eye- I blame Berlei bras myself), written by mere children. Then I chanced upon a tome or two of 'How to get any Woman you want'! This kept waking me up  in the night. So I have long since realised I am not a spring chicken in the full bloom of sexy youth anymore. Sex Kitten is now more like Saggy Old Bagpuss- although I retain a grip like a bulldog clip. I have not let myself go to the dogs entirely you understand. But the bedroom is lacking lustre somewhat and I blame myself entirely. I will never live up to his ex-wife in the bedroom. So who can blame a man for thinking outside of one box and wonder about different boxes. There is no point in a man telling you that you are the only woman he wants but then downloading books loaded with advice on how to get another one. And on top of that a constant need to engage with women all over the place month upon month by any which means shatters the confidence of any wife, let alone one who is bi-polar. I don't blame him. I am a nightmare to live with,what with all my ills. Oh and my expecting fidelity. Then the realisation also dawns that there is a difference between intelligence and intellect. A difference between filling your head with cultural stuff and pure shite that doesn't stimulate the brain but maybe parts that other literature can't reach. And then to top it all he declares he feels like I criticise him all the time and it is hard to live with. I agree and so I realised I cannot let the man live like this. It is unfair. My standards are too high. I am wrong to expect fidelity and cleanliness of a man, any man, that obviously doesn't want to live this way.Am I? Am l wrong to expect fidelity and devotion. And no Miss Freisen I don't want hypnotising by him for his erotic pleasure like he is with having to have you on his Facebook account or other women whose egos are boosted by luring married men into their grubby little paws. I bet none of you would want to keep him if I was giving him away. The last twelve years have been sheer hard work I will tell ye. And I have reached the end of the road now. All I want is a hardworking, faithful and honest man. Seems too much to ask though. And no man need think I can or will put up with that crap forever. It's too mind bending and no hypnosis involved!

So now I have a dilemma. My children don't want me there- I no longer belong in their world. I can go back there but they will only pass me from one to t'other like a punctured football.No one really wanting to keep me but no one feeling they should get rid of me because I have been kicking around oh so long.I clearly don't belong in My Husbands world. I won't shut up and sit pretty whilst he does what he pleases. My parents are frail and elderly and I could never go and live with them. I won't get help from the stupid Welfare system that I and my husbands have paid into for years because I don't fit the criteria and anyway you have to have money to find somewhere else to live to even begin to claim anything. Unless you have the gift of the gab. All things considered death is a far better option. I will be out of the way of everyone and finally have some peace. No nuisance, no burden and no no love required. Today I want to die and now you know why! There is nothing left to do but find peace in another place where true love exists.