Jean with the little white dog, not a little pussy

Jean

This is what happened the first week we moved in here when a real old Devonshire bloke comes looking for his friend Jean. He knocked on my door first. They all do. Its the perils of living at number 1. They knock if they are lost -mostly- from anywhere between here and Scotland. Is this the road to Amarillo? How the fecking hell should I know? I am lost outside the gate meself. No good asking me for directions. Is this house number 7? No it feckin ain't is it? Doh! Ye olde Devonshire Fellow was the first of many but far the most persistent and the most annoying.

Me: Hello

Him: Hello, Jean?

Me: No, sorry I think you must have the wrong house

Him: Jean with the little dog?

Me: No, sorry I am not Jean with a little dog (thought best not go into BizzyLizzie with the pussy to a complete stranger)

Him: Its a little white dog.

Me: Is it?

Him: Yes. Are you Jean with the little white dog?

Me: (patience wearing thin- although mildly amused and wondering if I really do have a Jean with a little white dog)- No I am not Jean with or without a little white dog. Sorry you have the wrong house.

Him: No I don't think so because she said she lives along here in a yellow house.

Me: Well, my house is not really yellow is it? Its more cream coloured.

Him: Well I think its more yellowy. So does Jean with a little white dog live here then?

Me: Nope.

Him: Do you have a little white dog?

Me: Nope. Nor anyone called Jean. Have you tried the other 'yellow' house a few doors down?

Him: Not yet because I thought she lived here. I am sure she lives here.

Me: No sorry, she doesn't, try three doors down.

Him: Does Jean with a little white dog live there then?

Me: I don't know. Its a good guess though.

Him: Do you think she lives next door?

Me: No- I haven't lived here many days but I do know that the woman that lives there is called Belinda. And she has a little black dog. And her house is pink isn't it?

Him: Oh, right so that won't be her then. So you reckon she could live further down?

Me: (really pissed off now)- Going by the clues I have so far I would deduce that myself. Its gotta be worth asking. (me thinking:Oh Lordy please, please piss off and ask someone else!!).

Him: Oh ok. Actually I think you could be right. I will ask there. I didn't think you were Jean because you got a different coloured carpet to her!!!

Me: Yes and a different name and no dog.

Him: Thanks, I will go now and ask her. See you again.

Me: Not if I feckin see you first mate! Not if I see you first.

Him: If I find her would you like me to come back and tell you where she lives???

Me: No thanks. Its ok, I have lived this long without a Jean with a little white dog- I think I can manage a little longer.

This was the point I shut the door before I hit him.

Me: (shouting)- it's ok Jean with the little white dog- you can come out from under the stairs now- he's gone!!