I have been very busy. We had mines Mr Husbands little child
down for the week. The six foot two one. The six foot two child - not week.
That would just be silly. We didn't really know what to do with him. He wanted
to see the local sights. I misunderstood this and mines Mr Husband made me put
mines clothes back on - again. Three times he made me put mines clothes back
on. So I said I could take him round the social housing part of the estate-
there be some sights for sore eyes on there but mines Mr Husband said that he
didn't want him traumatised so we decided to take him to the zoo. It be a heck
of trek for mines poor body but I have a nifty mobile walker thingy that mines
father gave me. So T'was not all lost. Plus I did want to see if I could get
mines self a penguin to go with mines snow leopards and wonkey donkeys. I
packed an empty bag and a tin of 'lure a penguin tuna' so I could sneak one in.
Mines Mr Husband drove us and took us on a detour first of all and we became
slightly geographically misplaced for a short while. I didn't ever thinks we
would ever get there at this rate. In fact we didn't think we would get there
for a few days. There were ever so many tantrummy, screamy, naughty step brats at the zoo
who have all spent their short lives being super nanny disciplined. (To no real
effect it seems at all). They was really getting on my tits and under mines
feet. I clipped one round the ear as often as I could. Well not the same one.
That just would have been cruel. Just random ones as they ran by screaming. 'Screaming
is no place for a zoo, and the zoo is no place for children' I told them. I
thought it would be a good idea to feed these brats to the big cats. As it
happens it is frowned upon by society to feed the little darlings to the big
cats. Did ye know that? Neither did I until this week. But I Tell ye what there
was a few satisfied looking pussies at the zoo that day by the time I had
finished. I even think some of the mothers looked quite pleased. And one even
patted me on the back. Bit too hard and over enthusiastic if ye ask me. I
nearly choked on me ice-cream. On reflection maybe she wasn't so pleased as I
thought. Just can't tell with people can ye? I also had some fun sliding down
the elephants trunk. Then I spotted the wrecking ball in the Elephants garden
and that was when it all kicked off really because you know me and wrecking
balls. Move over Miley. The clothes came off, my singing voice kicked it and
the wrecking ball was going like a good un'. Although it has to be said that
chain could have done with a clean- I now have rusty coloured chafing between
my thighs. A crowd had gathered. Apparently that was not the kind of
entertainment that they had lined up for that day but that was what I gave
them. They had been waiting for a talk by all accounts about elephants and
conversation. So every now and then between singing me song I would shout out
random things like 'Look an elephant', or 'The elephant has a slippery trunk'.
I even sang Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk in between verses of Wrecking
Ball. Mines Mr Husband and his little child of six foot two, who was by now
getting quite traumatised (because he dropped his phone in the crowd with all
the excitement and he was afraid he may miss a text), tried to coax me back out
of the elephant enclosure with buns. 'I will not be tempted' I cried throwing
them to the elephant. 'I will need considerably bigger buns- with icing and
cherries'. In the end I was tempted down with a rum and coke and a big bar of
chocolate and picture of Johnny Depp Naked. Also I was made to put mines
clothes back on. Pity really cos I was just getting warmed up! We were only allowed
to stay because mines Mr Husband pleaded with the keepers to think of his
little six foot two child who had been looking forward to a day out at the zoo
with his daddy for 29 years. 'Don't break my little child's heart please' he
pleaded. They let us stay on the condition that he kept a very close eye on me
and give me medication again.! Cheek of it. Fifty feckin something I am. I
thought I was doing the zoo a favour so I did. Bit of entertainment for the
troops. Free entertainment at that. I managed to get all the way round without
too much trouble. I was able to have a swing with the orang-utans without
getting noticed- thank feck for orange cardigans at George that's what I say. I
managed to sneak in a ride on a zebra by removing all mines clothes again. I sunbathed
naked under a palm tree last week in Torquay and got stripy sunburn so I fitted
in quite nicely with the Zebras. Then I had a ride on a ostrich. T'was nice and
fluffy on my much chafed inner thighs. All the time Mines Mr Husband and his
little child was too busy and Mines Mr Husband really failed the zoo keepers
badly by taking his eye off the ball but I kept mine on his. I curled up and
had a nap in the shadow of the giant tortoise - he had barely moved in an hour
so I wasn't noticed. Well I almost got discovered by a small brat. 'Ooh look
that tortoise is orange'- I heard the brat say. 'That's because that's the
colour of mines feckin' cardigan you little eejit', I snarled at him. He cried.
He was lucky the pussy in yonder enclosure was full.
I couldn't get a penguin because they didn't have any. What
kind of a feckin zoo don't be having a penguin or two? But to my credit I did manage
to procure mineself a pelican (nearly the same thing- it goes in water, eats
fish and begins with a P), two meerkats, (although I did have to buy a
considerable amount of insurance from them first) and a crocodile - which I let loose first in
the gift shop so that I wouldn't need to feed him for a few weeks. Also got
meself a talking telescope so now I always have someone to talk to at home. Now
I am definitely banned from that zoo but it be ok because mine own zoo is
coming along very nicely and mines Mr Husband has been busy putting up nice
secure fencing to stop would be crocodile thieves. There be criminals on this estate- I read it
in the papers.
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