Sooo all is not quite well in the household of Prince
William and the Duchess of Cambridge then. I was reading Woman magazine in the
supermarket yesterday so it must be true. I learned this nifty little trick
whilst working at the Toy Cupboard ( Jeez I miss that little job and me mates)-
read before ye buy, ye save a feckin fortune. Anyways I like to read the
problem pages because since I have took over from Marjorie Proops I have been
quite in demand. Then I comes across this (that's in the finds sense- Woman is
not that kind of a magazine).
Dear Auntie Beth
I have not long been married to my beautiful wife Kate and
our 22 month old son George and new baby daughter whatsername, and we live in
huge house that has ten bedrooms. It used to belong to my Auntie Maggie. We
used to have many loyal staff but they have started leaving. It is all because
my mother in law is at ours all the time. She sits between us on the settee and
we aren't even able to hold hands. I don't mean with her, I mean with each
other. She interferes constantly and has even started staying the night and
bringing us breakfast in bed. She bosses the staff about and they are leaving
us in droves. We are at our wits end and we don't want to upset her or stop her
from seeing her grand children but what are we to do? Even my poor wife is
getting fed up because it is causing rows between us.
Yours sincerely
Prince William of the United Kingdom.
Dear Willy,
Oh my, oh my. It's not just the tea that is a brewing in
your house then? A feckin dirty great storm by the seems of it. A family feud.
A funeral even!! I can tell ye Willy that from years of experience with a
mother in law pretty much the same (God rest her soul), I share your pain mate,
I share your pain. And we only had the one settee. And that was an old two
seater. Can ye not find her a settee of her own in that big house? And put it
in the garden shed for her. (Your mother in law, not mine. Mine don't need one,
God rest her soul). We also had the breakfast in bed problem. Well I tell ye
this, after fifteen years of early mornings they get fed up with getting up and
bringing ye the weetabix. Ye may have to put ye foot down with a firm hand me
ol' mucker even if it goes against thee sweet nature. Tell her straight like I
did my mother in law -God Rest her soul- I told her straight I did I was
offering her son a variety at breakfast time and it didn't always come out of a
cereal packet. I let him try different things and it would have just been too
kinky to include the mother in law. Can ye not offer her a permanent job? If
she wants a servants lowly, poorly paid position get her a maids outfit (not
like mine from Anne Summers)- a proper one with starched knickers and bonnet.
Get her down and dirty in that scullery fourteen hours a day and let her feed
off the scraps that ye old dog don't want no-more. She will soon get fed up
with that. If she don't you can do what I did with my mother in law- God rest
her soul- just tell her to feck right off. (Repeat as necessary- ye may have to
do this several time over many years). Be prepared for your wife to feel
awkward and she maybe a little terse over the situation. But it will be worth
it in the end. If ye still having trouble when ye have tried this then my
bestest bit of advice would to be have a word with Ye Old Duke and he will
arrange something!
P.S. By the way this
wouldn't be a problem had you married MY Kate like I suggested. She is of Royal
descent you know. (I done the family tree). And I know Harry is still available
but I would have to demand a paternity test first. Not of Kate, I know she is
mine. But she is a good girl and you wouldn't be having mother in law problems
now because I knows me place!
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