Cleavage, Nude Husbands and Squids

Now my mate Dave wants me to send him £22 to help with this feckin party he keeps goin' on about. Only this time he said I can have one of his tee shirts with the erection campaign on. I said to him 'now lets get this straight me ol' bean' (cos I call him that- we are on ol' bean terms we are), 'look yer me ol' bean' I says- 'for 22 squids I can have three nice tee-shirts from Amazon with a logo and colour of my choice- or 15 tee shirts from Primark- so your 22 squids ain't such a good offer'. Anyway then he gets his wife Sam Cam on the case. She thanks me for all my good work during the erection campaign. 'Don't thank me', I says - 'I didn't do nuffin'. Well I didn't. Anyways she thinks the tee shirt is good value but I don't see her at the reduced section in Lidl hoping to get some half price mince. I told her straight for 22 squids I can have a homeless man for christmas so I can. In fact the last one I got was 26squids (you will all recall) and he has stayed here ever since. Well he calls himself mines Mr Husband- poor old soul he is. But every few days I makes him have a shower and I gives him a bit of dinner and he is quite good company most of the time. So then Iain Ducan thingymajig wades in and I tells him to eff off. I don't want a feckin tee shirt. I don't wear tee shirts unless they enhance my ample bosom. End of. The old homeless man who calls himself mines Mr Husband points out that the ample bosom does support the erection campaign and I should consider it. GO AWAY mens- I don't want to pay all those squids for a feckin tee shirt. Ye Gods.

We have finally found the new house- well we found a few weeks ago but we have been himming and hamming and humming. But we have taken the plunge and we will be moving in on the 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th of June. I said to the old homeless man (MMH) that at least my mate Dave won't keep sending me requests for squids for his left over tee shirts. He said- 'well, he will pickle because he sends you emails doesn't he'. Still I think it will fool him for a bit. Tiny bit sad cos I saw Hot Hunky Marine Husband next door with no clothes today in the garden (he was without clothes- not me- what you take me for?- I am shy I am). I may just have to keep coming back for a peep through the fence. Summer has hit Whimple.

 I'v had to draw the curtains early tonight. I have ran out of bird seed and the birds keep sitting on the window sill giving me menacing looks. And MMH has no trousers on- I fear he is in grave danger.............tis the Blackbirds mainly!