Getting a Grip, Large Willies and Going Metric

I love my Samsung phone ye know. 'Why do ye love yer Samsung phone Beth?' I hear ye cry. Well I tell ye. It's because of the scheduling text thingymajig. Yesterday I was able to schedule a text and send it to myself to receive at 7am this morning. I won't be doing that time again- I was still asleep and fecking woke meself up!! On the plus side I wished meself a Happy Birfday. I know the brighter ones among you will be saying 'Your birfday is surely in September Beth'. Well, the official one is I know- according to mines mother (who reckons she was there when I was born) and the birf certificate I have. But I like to have two birfdays. So I am celebrating my 22 1/2 with 30 years and 2weeks experience birfday today. I am looking forward to cake. On the downside mines Mr Husband forgot it was mines other birfday and he hasn't bought me anyfink. Good job I still got some of the icing left he bought me for last years birfday!

I have been pondering what asshole put the two words 'fun and run' together. What is fun about it exactly? I didn't think the 40 mile fun run I did with mines Mr Husband (whilst he was dressed as superman) was much fun in my sleep last night- I have very feckin sore hips this morning.

Also I ask mines Mr Husband if we leave the Eurothingymagjig will we be able to go back to feets and inches? I have never been happy with the new metric doodah not since 1971 when they changed it. Mines Mr Husband pointed out that I was only 8 at the time and I should be used to it by now. Why? Why should I? A girl knows where she is with 8 inches. I argued with him (and a very valid point if ye ask me)- who ever says ' look at that 2km of willy'. He says 'nobody because that 2km is = to 3miles (I told ye ye learns someat new everyday- who knew? )and furthermore, not only but also, who would want one that big?'. I says 'my sister probably wouldn't mind giving it a bash. She is game for anything'. Anyway he says its time I got to grips with it. I tell ye I am grappling with it- he be a bit annoyed cos he wants to get dressed- I wish he would make his feckin mind up- either he wants me to get to grips with it or he don't.

Willy, Maids Outfits and Kinky Mother In Laws

Sooo all is not quite well in the household of Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge then. I was reading Woman magazine in the supermarket yesterday so it must be true. I learned this nifty little trick whilst working at the Toy Cupboard ( Jeez I miss that little job and me mates)- read before ye buy, ye save a feckin fortune. Anyways I like to read the problem pages because since I have took over from Marjorie Proops I have been quite in demand. Then I comes across this (that's in the finds sense- Woman is not that kind of a magazine).

Dear Auntie Beth

I have not long been married to my beautiful wife Kate and our 22 month old son George and new baby daughter whatsername, and we live in huge house that has ten bedrooms. It used to belong to my Auntie Maggie. We used to have many loyal staff but they have started leaving. It is all because my mother in law is at ours all the time. She sits between us on the settee and we aren't even able to hold hands. I don't mean with her, I mean with each other. She interferes constantly and has even started staying the night and bringing us breakfast in bed. She bosses the staff about and they are leaving us in droves. We are at our wits end and we don't want to upset her or stop her from seeing her grand children but what are we to do? Even my poor wife is getting fed up because it is causing rows between us.

Yours sincerely

Prince William of the United Kingdom.

Dear Willy,

Oh my, oh my. It's not just the tea that is a brewing in your house then? A feckin dirty great storm by the seems of it. A family feud. A funeral even!! I can tell ye Willy that from years of experience with a mother in law pretty much the same (God rest her soul), I share your pain mate, I share your pain. And we only had the one settee. And that was an old two seater. Can ye not find her a settee of her own in that big house? And put it in the garden shed for her. (Your mother in law, not mine. Mine don't need one, God rest her soul). We also had the breakfast in bed problem. Well I tell ye this, after fifteen years of early mornings they get fed up with getting up and bringing ye the weetabix. Ye may have to put ye foot down with a firm hand me ol' mucker even if it goes against thee sweet nature. Tell her straight like I did my mother in law -God Rest her soul- I told her straight I did I was offering her son a variety at breakfast time and it didn't always come out of a cereal packet. I let him try different things and it would have just been too kinky to include the mother in law. Can ye not offer her a permanent job? If she wants a servants lowly, poorly paid position get her a maids outfit (not like mine from Anne Summers)- a proper one with starched knickers and bonnet. Get her down and dirty in that scullery fourteen hours a day and let her feed off the scraps that ye old dog don't want no-more. She will soon get fed up with that. If she don't you can do what I did with my mother in law- God rest her soul- just tell her to feck right off. (Repeat as necessary- ye may have to do this several time over many years). Be prepared for your wife to feel awkward and she maybe a little terse over the situation. But it will be worth it in the end. If ye still having trouble when ye have tried this then my bestest bit of advice would to be have a word with Ye Old Duke and he will arrange something!

 P.S. By the way this wouldn't be a problem had you married MY Kate like I suggested. She is of Royal descent you know. (I done the family tree). And I know Harry is still available but I would have to demand a paternity test first. Not of Kate, I know she is mine. But she is a good girl and you wouldn't be having mother in law problems now because I knows me place!