Chips, Cake and Space Ships

That was an eventful couple of hours at the seaside tonight. First of all I seen a man walking a bit funny. 'Have ye had an unfortunate accident in yer under crackers?' I asked him. 'WTF?' he said - 'Well' I says to him, ye are walking a bit funny. Turns out his under crackers were a bit too tight. When we had a look he had his wife's on. Mmmm................Less said. Then we was walking along the seafront and someone said of mines Mr Husband 'He looks a bit chubby don't ye'. Well I seen red. I put me hands on me hips (took them off me walker I did) and I give him a Paddington hard stare so I did. 'Who you calling chubby, lard arse?' I asked him. (Menacingly I might add). He was a bit sheepish then he was. He said he hadn't called anyone chubby. Infact he swears blind he said, of the sea, 'He looks a bit choppy don't ye'. Well I do have a bit of trouble with mines ears these days so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 'Well I said to him, I will let thee off this time, but don't let it happen again'. Then there was the pregnant woman. I am aware of being sensitive and sometimes ye can ask one if she is pregnant and she ain't and she gets offended. So I tried a more sensitive approach. 'Who ate all the cakes and pies then?' I asked rubbing her belly. 'Ye needs to get that shifted- ye wants a join slimmers anonymouths or something'. That was when the fight started. Anyways turns out she was pregnant. Whoops! Then when was having tea two yobs walked near us and both spat- one on the ground and one over sea wall. I hate that. Swallow don't spit is my motto. Well me mothers really. Except she learnt it too late for six for us. Anyways I grabbed one and rubbed his nose in it  and told him he were a dirty git. I watched me mother do that to the cat. Not when he spit but when he shit in the chair behind her cushion. The other, well over the sea wall could have landed anywhere. As it happened it landed on seagull and he flew off. I noticed his trousies were half mast. The yob, not the seagull. Seagulls don't wear trousies. I hate that as well. Trousies half mast. Not the fact the seagulls don't wear them. Scuffy little fart. The Yob not the seagull. Nobody wanted to see his incredible hulk undercrackers. So I pulled them up hard, gave him a wedgie till he screamed then pushed him over the seawall. Then I chucked chips on him. He was lucky mines Mr Husband hadn't pissed on them cos he is always pissing on my chips. Wasn't all bad to be honest. I saw a space ship on the beach over yonder and the loch ness monster tethered up in the local pub. He has followed me home.