Well me mate Theresa was calling by yesterday to go shoe
shopping. Only she changed her mind at the last minute. Something about an
election or something. I was at a loose end when Dirty Gertie called. Do ye
remember me mate Dirty Gertie? Yeah that's the one. The one with the Vajazzle.
Yes- the one who had the infection. Dirty minger hers is. Well she called me yesterday.
She wanted me to go to the beauty salon place. I said 'they ain't feckin
miracle workers ye knows'. Anyways she said she was going for that new
treatment I was talking about. You know- the wasp nest up the nunny. Apparently
her fancy man Trevor wanted her to go. Yep thats right hers got a fancy man.
Met him up 'Grab a Granny' night up the bingo. He got funny eyes- they always
be looking both ways for Wednesday. He also got a limp. An old war wound he
says. He wasn't even born in the war. He just a lazy shite. He and Dirty Gertie
been rowing cos she wants him to have his tattoos on his knuckles removed. 'I
love me mam' it says. But he said he wouldn't be unfaithful to his mam for no
woman so instead he painted I love Gertie on his Robin Reliant. He got I LOV down
one side and E G on the front and R A T down the other side and two big X X on
the back. He dyslexic as well. Then on
the bonnet he tried to paint a union Jack to show his loyalty to the King and
Crown, (thats the pub- not the Royal Family) but he smudged it and then he
tried to wipe it off with spit. He be a dirty fecker. Then he wiped it with his
sleeve. Tis a right ol mess now- and the bonnet. Plus he only had blue paint.
No red and no white. Still Gertie loves him. He sits on her balcony (up the
tower block up town where she lives) swigging cider and vapourizing (all the
rage now) singing along with the spice girls. I can't even repeat what he said
he wouldn't like to do that Posh Spice on Friday night and a Saturday morning.
'Pure Heaven' is how Gertie gushes over him. Anyways she came round yesterday
and she says that Trev wants her to go and have her Slack Alice tightened and
she also heard about this Wasp nest up the slack Alice and wanted me to take her up the beauty
salon. So I am a good friend so I did.
She was only in there a few minutes when she let out an
almighty scream. She come out- she could hardly walk. I said 'ooooo, did it
sting a bit'. She said 'no- they said they didn't have a wasp nest big enough'.
Oooo-er. Dirty Gertie. Slack Alice or What!! Anyways she said 'I had to have an
alternative'. Yep- tis true- I could see the legs of the beehive sticking out
the legs of her drawers. Good job Winnie the Pooh lives so far away is what I
say. Had to put her upside in the car to get her home. Good job I got a topless
car is what she say!! She say- Trevor hasn't been home all night. He has an
allergy to bees apparently. Guess that's another romance over before it Bee
Gun.
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