Nipples, Knobs and Jam

Well tis quite some time since I did a blog for thee all. 'Why be that Beth ?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. Tis been all go. We did have a bit of a holiday. We had the usual row over the ornaments and the bath mats and me packing them and Mines Mr Husband unpacking them. He said 'we don't have so much room this year pickle, we have only a small car'. Tis true. So I took his under crackers and socks out and made room for me bath mats. Always a way round these things ye know. 

Then we moved house. Yes, ye did hear that right. Well we didn't move the house we had to another place. We found another one. We needed a bungalow because my mobility has decreased. So I asked the universe for a bungalow- or I tells it I would settle for something bigger with a staircase that maybe the landlord would allow me to put in a nice slidy chair to go up the stairs and a slider to come down. So the universe got a tad mixed up and we got a bungalow with stairs. Yes that's right- a bungalow with stairs. So... ..basically we have a house. But the stairs are little and easy to manage. Also a very slippery kitchen floor so I can do slippy slidy with me kitchen chair. Also we have lots of neighbours- old peoples. I like old peoples generally because they don't make a noise. Well they do fart and pretend they didn't. No hang on- that's mines Mr Husband- yes that is mines Mr Husband.

It wasn't easy to move- Mines Mr Husband had to get me up and enthused. He didn't have too much trouble once he borrowed a cattle prod. It was just the two of us. I wasn't well enough really and I had several visits to the osteopath in between van loads. He helped me loads and loads. Although to be fair I was paying him loads and loads. Most of the time I ended up sat here on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas in me knickers and some bubble wrap (to pop- wonderful stress reliever).. and Mr Husband worked like a little Collie dog rounding up the sheep. He can do it with boxes. He is the box whisperer.

Mines Mr Husband has been and made a friend up the town in the music shop. He said they are having bread and jam sessions - I expect coffee will be involved. I said 'I don't care- when I have finished unpacking I will find a friend or two. I will look in the cake shop for mine. We will have cake and baileys sessions. That will be far more fun'.

B and Q was jealous when they found out I was shopping mostly in Homebase and Dunelm and sent me an email asking if they could get to know me better. So I did me naked wrecking ball routine through the store nearest to be. Got me nipples caught in the chain. Not so nice as they make out!

We are a little way a way from his work so he has a bit further to travel And still we have stuff to do at the old town yet. Me and Bob are spending a bit of time on the motorway too. Bob and Elvis says 'step on the gas Beth, step on the gas'. So we do. And we sing loudly and we get there quicker. I likes to do what I is told. Well usually only when I am naked- but also when Bob and Elvis tells me. Yesterday we did that. We had to go to the Doctors Bob and Me. The weather is colder and I noted his knob was freezing. Not the Doctors- what kinda gal you think I am? And more to the point what kind a gal do you think my Doctor is? No- I am talking about Bobs Knob. I am surprised it wasn't shrivelled up. I have seen knobs shrivel up in cold weather before. Talking of which Mr Husbands came with us too. Bob said, 'Jeez me knob is cold but the sun is out, why don't we go topless?'. I said 'cos tis not good for me nipples me ol' cocker but I will keep me hand on your knob and change gear lots and your Knob will be nice and warm'. He was content with that but he and Elvis made me go fast down the motorway again. Mines Mr Husband chose to drive back. I think we goes to fast for him, Bob, Elvis and Me.

Also on the subject of Mines Mr Husband Tesco is advertising for 'festive colleagues' for the festive period. I have bought mines Mr Husband a reindeer costume and sent him off to apply. He looked festive enough to me so fingers crossed. If that don't work I have my last years santa outfit here he can borrow. (See photo on profile- tis a very fetching outfit). I know what ye are thinking 'but your Mr Husband has a good job- he don't be needing another'. True. But I need some extra cash to spend some extra time in Dunelm. They have cake upstairs to die for don't ya know? Sod the bath mats!

Anyways not quite settled in the new place. We can't get channel 20. Tis very disappointing. I can't get last of the summer wine. Think I shall have a breakdown now! New neighbours are already traumatised because we have no nets and they are nosy. Serves them right. Also BT man was traumatised one morning because we didn't know he was coming and I was naked when he knocked at the door. Then I knew he was coming and traumatised. Note BT- advanced warning would be great in future. Ps. I can't get channel 20. Did I mention that. Mines Mr Husband said channel 20 is the drama channel- ye got facebook for that. But tinternet is sporadic. So I am going to be drama free for sometime me thinks. Also pigeons nest on our roof cos the silly ol' bugger next door feeds them.

And before ye asks yes I still don't let mines Mr Husband sleep in my bedroom. His is snoring so loud I just seen three dragons run past in fear. He sleeps t'other end of landing now and I can still hear him. He has a bed of course. And he is in a bedroom! I am not that mean. However tomorrow I may be depending on my migraine. I may move his bed to the garage. The esso one on the motorway.!

The voices have been giving me trouble. They woke me up saying 'cream eggs, cream eggs. You need cream eggs'. I know they aren't real (the voices, not the cream eggs) but they do have some good ideas. However, you can't just get up and get a cream egg in the middle of the night.  Then the next night they woke me up saying 'Why don't you google storeaway furniture?' Then the next night again they woked me saying 'Dizzy Gillespie-' WTF? Then they say 'No- Dizzy Rascal'. Me again 'WTF?' Then again 'Dance yourself Dizzy- Do you remember that?'- Me 'WTF- go back to sleep- it's 3am and I don't want to sing or dance'. Then suddenly I am awake and thinking 'Who the feck is Dizzy Gillepsie?'- Good job I got a Mr Husband with an IQ second to Einstein. Although tis true Einstein only knew the theory of a flat pack whereas Mines Mr Husband has gone a bit beyond the theory.  Pity I don't have his knack for ignoring the 3am voices that want to sing and dance when I want to sleep. To be honest I preferred the cream egg scenario. Much more my thing at 3am. Dear Voices- I know you are not real, and I also know that sometimes you have good ideas (cream eggs) but sometimes you have shit ideas at shit times -if its 3am please let me sleep!! If you don't I will start doing only what my rice krispies tell me to do and you will not be my friend anymore!

Also since we lived here I have discovered I have one earhole smaller than the other- t'was during autumn watch when they were doing a bit about squirms and I stuck me fingers in me ears and one went in further than the other. Tis funny the things ye learns on Autumn watch.

So that be it really for now- Mines Mr Husband has returned the cattle prod and all is well here. I am googling pigeon recipes.

I am still here! Wet Knickers, Bubble wrap and Tape

The little girl in the white cotton frock has survived another night and another day to tell another tale. It's not easy being her. Tonight though she is someone else. Someone a bit brighter. So this is what the last few days adventures have been:

Saturday Night -

7.15 pm -The excitement when a car stops in the lay by and you think you got visitors. Then they go to pull off. I am getting really good now at stopping cars from pulling away. So Yay- I have visitors. When I remove the tape from their mouths I will ask them their names.

7.30pm -As luck would have it a break down truck pulled up in lay by too. He didn't know all the uses for a tow rope. They all seem to be having fun trying to get free and I am showing them baby pics of the kids. Such fun. Keep bail money on stand by. Last time it didn't end so well.

10pm (at the police station) -Oh so it's called kidnap is it. Well there you go. That's put the mockers on that then. Didn't like them anyway. Needs bail money.

Sunday morning at 3am: (back home) The tv remote control has spiralled out of control. Had to pull the plug out of the TV. What I say is thank feck for Solo beats and Elvis Presley. Make the most of loud singing before we move to the new house. It won't be as soundproof as this one. Singing won't be the only thing we will have to be quiet with either. Mines mister will have to fart bit quieter an all.

Sunday morning at 4am: I don't know what the man from down the road wanted. Something about making a noise. I told him straight - it's 4 in the morning- haven't you got better things to do than pester women who trying to sing along to Elvis. You oughta be sleeping not banging on my door making a noise. Fair to say he went off with a flea in his ear.

Tuesday Morning:

When you are poorly sometimes you have to stay in bed. You wear your pyjamas or nothing at all if this is your preference. When you are poorly sometimes you have to go to the doctors. I do not see what is wrong with wearing your pyjamas or nothing at all if that is your preference. I just can't see what the fuss was about. I had me socks on I did.

Tuesday Evening:

Its all excitement here. 1000mm of bubble wrap arrived. Poor delivery man thought I was a loony. Mines Mr Husband has locked the front door- he has gone to work. This has a two fold purpose - keeps me from escaping (it is ok mines friends- I have chocolate) and stops me from kidnapping people to talk to. However, it buggers up deliveries muchly. But then Yodel do say they will deliver after seven but I have never know them to before- or in the day even! I called through the letter box for him to leave it on the doorstep. He wouldn't. Then I ran though the house and out in the garden and waved to his mate from the gate. Then I ran back in the house and back to the front to wave to the man at the door. Then I ran up the stairs and along the landing to the bedroom to search for a door key. Back down the stairs and through the living room to the front door. I opened the door and told him I was sooo sorry, waved to his mate in the van and then thought ooooh the man that was delivering the bubble wrap was enough to bring the wet knicker brigade out in full force. So as I grabbed the luscious bubble wrap and I grabbed the delivery man and waved his friend off. The delivery man is now parcel taped to the chair behind the bubble wrap whilst I get me breath back and take some pain killers - then we are going to have some fun with the bubble wrap. I Have locked the door and hidden the key. It is going to be a fun night.x