A funny old week- and in this order too........
Monday - Great evening in bed with Elvis again. No wonder me
feckin hips are knackered. All that gyrating. All that singing, well the
neighbours called it something else but I sure as hell don't remember feckin
what. Can do it all again tomorrow night. I likes to be giving them a treat of
my singing. I am sure that in time they will be enjoying it more. Last week
according to mines Mr husband some came to the door with requests. 'What they
request?' I asks him, getting me singing voice ready for more delightful
sounds. 'That you shut the feck up' he
says. He lied. They loves me really.
Friday - 'Happy Birthday to a wonderful sexy woman'- mines
mr Husband read the text from my phone. I thought 'uh oh- here we go'. 'Why,'
he asked, 'in Gawds feckin name have you sent yourself a birthday text'.
'Well', I said , 'I thought I may not get such a fabulous text from anyone
else- and to be fair I didn't'. He left the room shaking his little bald head
from side to side. I don't mean its bald from side to side- its more from top
to bottom really. No he was shaking his head from side to side. He was muttering
about little white jackets and straps. I think that's what he wants for his
birthday. See what I can do- ever obliging am I!
Tuesday - Mines Mr Husband just asked if I know how to play
chest. No sooner had he got the words out then I whipped me top off and me
boobies out. 'No, no-' he cried- ' I said chess- not chest- you rude girl put
your clothes back on'. I pouted (I have a very sultry sexy pout apparently-
although its more likely to be wind these days!) 'lets not waste a good
opportunity now I have them out' I pleaded- but no- he ran into the kitchen to
do the dishes. I just don't understand mines Mr Husband sometimes!! On the plus
side I think from now on I know how to get him to do the dishes....
Tuesday also -Watching Kate Middletons' hair dresser on
cutting your own fringe- so you not supposed to cut it off in clumps! Mmm-
can't see me changing that- I gotta cut what I can feckin see mate. Get the
Kate Middleton look? Yeah- lets go for it- hopefully I will get meself a nice
Prince William too......
Sunday - Mines Mr Husband thinks by evading the question
'Darling, how do I put the heating on myself' I will be thwarted. You would
think after twelve years he should know me better. Ah- good old you tube-
tonight when he is at work that thermostat is going to move up a notch or two
and in the morning when I am forced out of bed at an ungodly hour when he
decidest to clamber in and snore me out I shall be nice and warm as toasty.
Don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth!!
Saturday - I said to mines Mr Husband ' Seeing as I am
struggling a bit with my mobility around the house I thought it would be super
nice if we got a little helping hand around the house'. He knows it makes sense
and it would save him having to wash up. He raised his bushy eyebrow- (yep
guys- he hasn't done anything to his- they are all his own) he never spoke, he
just raised his bushy eyebrow- with that 'well go on then, lets hear this'
look. So I carried on. ' A maid we should have, a
live in maid- to help me with dressing and undressing, showering and bathing,
cooking and cleaning etc'. He raised his other bushy eye brow (yup- he still
has both)- he looked more interested. His eyes lit up. 'And, erm where would
this maid sleep my little pickled pumpkin?'- he looked a tad bit too hopeful if
ye should ask me. 'In with me of
course- everything should be
above board', I told him. He didn't seem sure. 'It shall be a naked maid'- I
said. His bushy eyebrows stayed raised and his eyes lit up more and come out on
stalks. 'Naked you say?' I nodded. Now he definitely looked more interested.
'Yep, naked' I continued- 'well apart from his dickie bow and his socks of
course'- and that my friends is how the fight started.
Mines Mr Husband found out that I had packed the bath mat to
take on holiday, (well I told him-I had to because he had to move the suitcase)
but now he says that 'it is not normal to take your bath mats on holiday'. I
said to him 'Bath
mats need a feckin holiday too ye knows'. He ignored me and went on about how
much the apartment was costing and it should be fully equipped so I was to
unpack the bathmats, all the bedding, the shower curtain and the extra shower
head. Also we only have a car and we are not hiring
a feckin van just to go on holiday and why can't I be normal. I said 'I don't
know why ye can't be feckin normal- I really don't'. Anyhows IMHO- ye can't be
too careful when ye goes on holiday behinds other people. Other peoples can be
dirty feckers and I don't want to be getting veruccas. Then he asked (cos he be
damn nosy) why I kept staring at number 53 across the road and tutting. 'Tis
because she at number 53, Mess (t'other half of Porky), she with the integrated
bike rack (I have seen it when she was bent over pruning her bush) has left her
kitchen cupboard door open and has gone out. And I am wondering why a) she has
left it open - it is impairing my vision of her kitchen and b) where she has
gone. Nobody tells me feckin anything g round yer.' Now he is tutting.
Tuesday - I learned they have
name a place Wensleydale- you know after the cheese in Wallace and Grommit. I
reckon they would feel right honoured to know that.
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