Cockchafers, Cockahoops and Cock Muppets

This Week at the Crazy House:

Excited muchly as this week was our Spring holiday. Mr Husband has taken me here, there and everywhere. He will take me feckin anywhere. He has no shame that man. We went to Brixham in the pea- only one day. I think mines Mr Husband couldn't stand the Beth and Elvis sing-a-long all the week. I did notice on the sticky thing on the steering wheel, you know the one that tells people if we are going left or right, or if we are going to clean the windows etc, mines Mr Husband has found it turns Elvis down. He so didn't account for me to continue Beth and Elvis sing-a-long without Elvis. The rest of the week we went out in his Jag. Mines Mr Husbands Jag- not Elvis's. Elvis wouldn't let us. So this was the week:

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband was sleeping face down when I went in this morning to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep or anything. I noticed his bum had a crack in it. All mended now with gorilla glue.

Well Mr Husband has found out about Gorilla Glue Gate- He has read my facebook status. Not happy. 'Stop playing with ye bum ye dirty fecker', I said. 'Go wash ye hands'. Now he is going a funny purple colour. I hope he don't explode. I have cleaned up this morning!

Having a Beth and Elvis Sunday Special Sing-a-long. Ye probably think I am obsessed with Elvis. Yesterday I did Beth and Ronan Keating Sing-a-long, and sometimes I do Roy Orbison or Robbie Williams. Mines Mr Husband is going to know Elvis songs inside out be the time we get to top of Scotland and back in a few weeks time. He, (MMH- not Elvis) is sat on sofa as we speak with a face like a constipated prune and very much the same colour as well, wriggling from side to side, huffing and puffing trying to dislodge the Gorilla Glue. He is googling 'how to remove gorilla glue from cracks' and other such stuff. He will be lucky- I used the whole tube!

Monday: Day one of our Spring Holiday Well Beth, Elvis and the pea took to the road for a singalong to Steve and his ear drums. He drived us. He took me to Brixham to Bury a Head but I didn't see him Bury a Head but we did go up a cliff. Tis Ok- I didn't climb it up the side or anything. Although I didn't see him with me all the time, so who knows. He bit sulky today- he walking a tad funny- re; the gorilla glue in the crack. Anyways Some tit told me there was dolphins in the Brixham harbour so we dashed down there. Not a feckin sausage! Anyways did get pictures of a seal having lunch. T'was a fine display. Tomorrow we are going on a nature trail. Mines Mr Husband is looking out for a cockchafer. We have one at home I am sure somewhere but no- he wants to find one on the nature trail. Him and his nature trails.

Tuesday  - morning ; Today guys Mines Mr Husband wants to take me on a nature trail (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame I tell ye). Do ye know why he wants to take me on a nature trail? To look for a cockchafer nonetheless. Well I am expecting it to be in the bush somewhere. I thought mines little sister said she had one of these in her bedroom - but I suspect she bought hers from Anne Summers. Anyways If I find one I will send you photographs.
P.S. I think Mines Mr Husband may be planning on us going in the jag- it doesn't have a five cd thingy to listen to Elvis- however I have a plan and some solo beats!!!

Tuesday- Evening: Ye are all wondering how the search went for the cockchafer I bet. Well I tell ye- Mines Mr Husband wanted to take me on a nature trail but I wanted to go and see the dolphins. So back to Brixham we went. Not a feckin Dolphin in site. Even the seal told us to feck off – he did his party trick yesterday. Then we went up to Torquay. I saw a family size gateaux from Iceland shaped person sat on three seats. I said 'lets talk about your cake intake me dear'. That's when the fight broke out. Mines Mr Husband said that it was clearly my fault for taking the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped persons cake out of her hand. I was only trying to help her. Ye gods ye gets no fanks for nuffin these days. We sat next to an old man who, when he got up, farted so loud and so triumphantly that he killed three seagulls on the seawall outright and a poor old dear on a mobility scooter keeled over. 'Tis the Germans', she shouted, 'tis chemical warfare', she cried. I picked her back and told her 'tis alright me ol' babbers- T'was just an ill wind from that ol' gits arse'. Also got involved in a drive by shooting. I shot the entertainment at a local pub because he sounded like he was having his pubic hairs on his nether regions plucked one by one. Anyways Mines Mr Husband says drive by shootings don't count with a water pistol and a banana. I wanted to go to the ByGones museum but we was already GoneBy it when I noticed it. And ye are all waiting to know if we found the Cockchafer. We did. Well I see It. Sat outside the same pub we had our dinner- there for everyone to see, wearing the teeniest tiniest shorts ever and legs a kimbo- proudly presented to all and sundry. I am glad Mines Mr Husband had his back to it. I never told him I could see it. I am his wife and I have to protect his heart and his blood pressure. Anyway T'was not a pretty site and I nearly choked on me chips. I tried to take a picture of it for ye all cos I promised. But we got frowed out and they called me a pervert. We having a quiet day tomorrow- Mr Husband got sunburnt on his face and on his bald patch and now he looks like a giant tomato. He needs to sit in the fridge now.

Wednesday: Today was shopping day- or as I call it- Naked Tesco Twerking day. Spent all day yesterday looking for the cockchafer. Spent all day today avoiding cock muppets. Now mines Mr Husband wants sex in a lay-by at teatime. He said he wants cockavan for tea. I presume he will be happy with sex in the jag cos we don't have a van.
Thursday: Staying with the cock theme today. I am cock-a-hoop. Seems like Johnny Depp is back on the market. Yay- I am in with a chance again! Must surely be my turn be now. Also today- Mines Mr Husband has been eager for me to try my mobility scooter out- so this was what we did tonight. I didn't want to make a showy display- I wanted to be inconspicuous- so I went naked. Nobody noticed. However I was worried about me nipples catching in the wheels. At first I was afraid, I was petrified! But T'was OK. I had hubby by my side. Once I got the hang of it he was running to keep up with me. I think I may do this everyday now- he will be slim and fit in no time!! A Beth Top Tit for all mobility scooter users: Stay off the paths and the roads- you can have sooooo much more fun off road and through the parks. Gave a few dog walkers a run for thems money tonight so I did!!! Got a get Mines Mr Husband Stiff now. Stiff drink that it is. One rooiboos tea coming up!!

Friday: Boiling water poured on Gorilla Glue don't shift it- so it seems!! I can thoroughly recommend Gorilla Glue. Be warned if used to mend cracks can turn ye husband blue!

Happy Birthday and Sex on the Beach.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes and messages. It didn't look like it was shaping up into much of a birthday especially after Mines Mr Husband said I could have sex then cancelled both Johnny Depp and Colin Firth. Anyways we started off in a little place called Starcross near Dawlish. Seemed T'was just us two. Then, betwixt you and I, I think Mines Mr Husband was trying to get rid of me. First he took me across a live railway line. Very dangerous place to take someone with arferitis, but I can recommend it if you want to put a spark back in your relationship! Then he enticed me down some very dangerous steep steps onto a little used shingle beach. Well little used by peoples, much used by lots of birds though. We seemed to walk for ages. I tell ye, Mobility walkers are crap on shingle. I kept saying to him 'Mines Mr Husband, are you sure this tide is going out?' I tell ye I am the brains in this outfit. He kept saying the same thing 'I be quite sure mines little pickled pumpkin'. After a while he took me under the railway bridge- so say to see the kingfisher. To be fair I did catch a glimpse. And of the kingfisher. We just be settling down on a nice sunny patch of shingle and I started shouting 'It be coming, it be coming'. Mines Mr Husband said 'Not yet- I haven't got me coat off yet'. I panicked ' No look ye behind ye, the sea it be coming'. Again he tried to reassure me that it wasn't but he took a closer look. 'Mmm, yes' he said , 'I think ye probably right my little pickled pumpkin'. Oh my I thought I was going to drown right there and then. 'Would it be a good time to tell ye mines Mr Husband that I can't swim?' as water lapped mines feet. I tell ye, I am lucky to be alive-especially as he took me on the live railway lines on the way back as well. It be a good job I had me birthday suit on. There was a notice  with the Samaritans help line number on it on the fence. I took it off. I have saved for him. He will need someone to talk to if he tries to kill me again.

P.S. It was exciting having a birthday on a Thursday. I have never had a birthday on a Thursday before. It is always a Wednesday or a Friday.

Sex and Icing, The Pope and Haddock for Tea

I have been reading my emergency booklet. The government want us to keep alert. Well they be buggered cos I ain't doin' that. First they want us to keep migrants and now they want us to keep feckin lerts. I suppose they are gettin' in under the lorries as well now. Bet they want benefits as well. Well all the lerts can just feck right off. I gave mines Mr husband a number for antiterrorist from my booklet. He said 'no thank you pumpkin, I have heard enuff about your auntie terrorist and she sounds too scary for my liking'. Tis true. She is. You wouldn't want to tangle with her. Even the terrorist wouldn't want to tangle with her. Tomorrow mines Mr husband is going to town for icing for mines birthday. He also said I can have sex for my birthday so I am ringing Johnny Depp in the morning. Oh yes my friends I got life sorted. Also my cousin says that the terrorist are going to Rome to take the Pope out. I think that is a lovely gesture. Poor old Pope- sat in that feckin Vatican day and day out without seeing a feckin soul. I think it will be nice for him to get out and get a bit of fresh air. I wonders where they will take him? I reckon it will be nice if they stop off at Asda's as well and let him get a bit of something nice in for his tea. Nice bit of Haddock or something. Who says these terrorists are all heartless?