Blowing, Sucking and Booby Jiggling

I been up the hospital for me tests and me photos. As soon as I got there I took mines clothes off. Mines Mr Husband said ' Put your clothes back on'. I said 'No- cos I am at the hospital and I have to take mines clothes off because the Dr wants to see mines chest and take a photograph'. He said 'Not in the car park he don't- and will you please stop draping yourself over the bonnets of cars. Now Cover that Kipper and Keep it warm'. When we got in the hospital he said 'Don't take your clothes off until the Dr asks you to'. Always pissing on my chips that man. I won't take him again there. Then when I was waiting they brought a dead looking person past. I said to the nurse 'Why are you bringing dead persons down here in the photo bit?' and she said 'She is not dead'. I poked her to make sure. She didn't move. So I tickled her toes. She didn't move. 'She looks a bit waxy to me -' I said to the nurse 'and she ain't be moving are you sure she ain't dead? -'. I put my hand over mouth to see if she was breathing. I seen that on the Telly to tell if someone is not dead yet. Then the bitch bit me. Not the nurse- the dead woman on the bed. Well she didn't bite. She didn't have teeth. But she did give me nasty suck. I said to the nurse 'you are right- she ain't dead -yet!' Then it was my turn to see the photograph woman and finally I was allowed to take my top off and stand in front of the machine. She said 'stop jiggling the boobs please'. I said 'I am not- it always happens when I take the over shoulder boulder holder off- they go in different directions like two wild jellies- here there and everywhere. Out of control'. Anyway when they eventually settled by me knees she took photographs. Then she sent me to the nurse to do me heavy breathing. I am good at that. I had to blow into a machine and don't stop. Just like when you have too much Baileys. She kept saying 'Blow- Don't suck'. I said 'I have always had trouble mixing up my blowing and sucking me dear- stick with it and don't give me a party popper or we will have trouble'. (Read the booky peoples, read the booky'). On the way out I asked the old man in the wheel chair if he want me to strip off to cheer him up. He said yes. So I did. He had a stroke. I have been asked not to attend again for safety of other patients. How Rude- What if I am ill?

Strawberries, Champagne and HRT

Mines Mr Husband says to me 'I want to cover you in champagne and strawberries and eat them off you'. Ooooer. He can be so rude sometimes. I was lost for words for a few moments whilst I thought about it. 'Could ye not use Baileys instead?' I asked. He said 'Now look here this is my fantasy not yours'. Oooer. Then he said 'What would you like to cover me in?' So six foot of soil is not the right answer. I know that now! Blame the doctor- tis her fault. Tis ever since she mentioned HRT for me menopause. If ye are wondering what HRT is- tis Husband Replace Therapy. Tis true. Anyways we off to Tesco now for Champagne. We have Strawberries. Well they are tinned but still they are strawberries.

Russia and the KFC, Poems and Squirty Soap, Boobie Jiggling at Weddings.

Well if ye been wondering what I been doing this week- yer tis. If ye ain't be wondering tis still yer!!

 SUNDAY-Two things today :About this yer blog of mine. Mines Mr Husband helps me promote them so I get followers and readers. That's followers not stalkers. Although tis true ye can never tell these days. Thankye muchly if ye are a follower, or a stalker. Tis a pleasure to have ye on board.. Well, I used to be big in Alaska. I looked at the stats last night. I have mixed feelings about being big in Russia. I don't even write Russian. Is it the KFC I wonder who are watching me? Putin and his mates? Tis very curious. I have more Russian followers than English. Curious indeedy.

I have told mines Mr Husband that I have ordered some more Elvis CDs to play on the way to Scotland and back so me and Elvis can have a good sing a long.  I couldn't tell really if that was a pleased look or not. Anyways in other news he is fitting an ejector button to my seat in the Jag. Curious indeedy.

 MONDAY: Don't you just hate that moment when you are sat on the loo and a good poem comes in yer head and all ye haves to hand is loo roll and squirty soap! (Note to self: Install notebook and paper in loo- all three of them!)

TUESDAY: I been on a little trek today. I had to go from Devon to Burnham to the dentist because she won't come to me misery guts she is. Mines Mr Husband was really worried about me going all that way on the motorway on me todd. 'Find a car doing a steady 68 and follow it- ye won't go wrong' he said, and no flashing- not lights nor boobies. I was miffed. Not on the motorway long and I clocked a nice shiny BMW doing 68- well 71 but ssssh don't tell Mines Mr Husband. Yep I was surprised too- a BWM going that slow. But I stuck behind him like glue. He couldn't shake me off with a shitty stick. And that guys is why I am in a place called Manchester!

WEDNESDAY AM: Sat here waiting for another Electric man- rope in one hand and fresh roll of gaffer in other.

WEDNESDAY PM:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

THURSDAY AM: Well another adventure looms- I thought I would grace the Doctor with my presence today. Tis a long while since I been up there and caused chaos and I thought today would be a good day. I will think of a reason for a visit when I get there and have gauged her mood at seeing me. Tis not always a happy one.Time to get the pea out.

THURSDAY PM:

 Well that was a funny mother in the doctors- all I Said was 'What a lovely ginger baby you have and what pronounced eyebrows she has- are they her own?'. Well the look she gave me you would think she had never been asked that before. Curious woman indeedy. (Her- not me!)

SATURDAY : Yer all been thinking I been quiet. Well we went to me muvvers and helped her trying on her wigs. Then this evening we went to a wedding. We was invited. Well when I say we was invited - we just turned up. When I say we went to a wedding well we just sat outside with chips. But I said to mines Mr Husband 'lets go in and join in'. He said 'we don't even know who's wedding it is'. I told him 'see her in the white frock thing - yeah her that looks like she fell in a vat of meringue- well tis her wedding'. He said 'Well we don't know her'. I said 'yeah but, please lets go in- they will have cake- I am sure they will have cake'. Anyways we compromised and he went off and got chips. I sneaked in and got cakes. Then we sat outside and watched the arguments. I bet it was someone we knew. I wanted to stay to the end but he said 'no cos you will get lairy and pull your top up and jiggle your boobies'. I don't think mines Mr Husband has been to many weddings. People like that they do! Booby jiggling.

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