Truffle Ass, Big Knickers and Biscuits

Little whiles since I updated but we have had family drama and it is true drama needs an audience. Sometimes the players pull you in and suddenly you realise- not your circus and not your monkeys. Its fair to say I have pissed some people off this month by opening my gob and letting the truth out- which apparently hurts. So I have rested from social media and the family and I am recharging the atoms.  So what have ye all missed then?

I don't know- I feel weird about the world also at the moment- you got the truffle assed orange head oompah loompah man toddler who is running America and the little cock waffle with a funny hair cut from N Korea dancing about each other like to two kids with their fists up in a playground spoiling for a fisty cuffs- only a million times more dangerous. You got the other fuck nugget with another funny hair cut from China trying to bang their heads together and the other ass wipes from the other countries over there waiting to shout 'fight- everybody- quick its a fight'. I am here wondering what the difference is between cod liver oil and caster oil and whether I should stop worrying about that and run down the street naked shouting 'Jesus wants for me a sunbeam'- or to hold Mines Mr Husbands hand, sing Kumbyah and then put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye. Decisions, decisions. In the meantime I think it is good  nip to Tesco and top up the malteser supply. May as well go naked. Nothing to lose now.

The Easter bunny came in our house. That's it. He be a dirty fecker.

Also a new car, called Bob, came to live with me. We are going for topless adventures with Elvis, but at the moment it is in the garage having a couple of little jobs doing. I like going to the garage. Tis next to a gym and there is always hunky men working out outside. Sometimes I lift my top and jiggles mines boobies. Tis true there has been one or two groin strains but they should be keeping thems on minds on what they are doing. Also Mines Mr Husband has been pissing on my chips and he wouldn't let me bring Bob in and park him on the rug. Bob is lovely and needs parking on the rug. I just can't understand why that man won't let me bring Bob in.

Also I had new knickers. Mines Mr Husband treated me - however they are big girl pants for tough days. In fact they are so big they comes to and covers me chins. Bridget Jones got a lot to answer for so she has. Also got me a big roll of polythene. I am ready for a chemical attack almost. Just need to get some gaffer tape and I am ready.

 There was much excitement one night here as I was awaiting delivery of a new gravy separator the next day. One more sleep. Yep I know how to live the life here. It will be more exciting for the delivery driver though cos I may just lift me top. If he gets here early I may not even be dressed. It can go one of two ways- he can be really thrilled or he could be really distressed. Who knows? Just rang Mines Mr Husband and told him it was good time to make a baby and he best get home pronto. He said 'there is a never a good time fruitcake- you haven't got a womb'. Tis true. I said 'no- this is true but I do have a cornflake pack and some sticky back plastic'. He says he would love to help but he got a ladder that needs his going up and down! I tried!

Oh yes and I am going to be a great aunty. I will the crazy one but without smelling of rich tea biscuits and cats wee.

I did an online test that told me I was a red wood tree in a former life. I lived 200 years. And now I suppose I am actually a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.

Also I wonder how many women wake their husbands in the middle of the night for a cuppa tea? I used to send my ex husband down to make tea frequently. He never argued- he just did it. Now Mines Current Mr Husband- different kettle of fish. Not that I have ever even dared to wake him and send him for tea. He isn't fond of being woken in the night- I gathered that long ago. Anyways I have asked him what would be an acceptable to reason to waken him in the night and it transpires tis these things:

Life or death (house on fire etc)

If I am very ill and may need medical treatment

If there is an intruder- although an intruder would probably have me to fear first

If there is a cow on the roof.

Do you see tea on that list? Do you see just for a chat because I am awake and bored? Do you see 'I have run out of maltesers, this is an emergency' ?

Nope. I think the list is clear enough. Always pissing on me chips that man.

 I put the new DVD - Yoga for over 50's. (apparently not to do it if you are in poor health or pregnant). After just ten minutes I had to turn it off. Mines Mr Husband asked 'why, fruitcake turning off the Yoga so soon'.  'Well', I tells him, quite breathless at that, 'I am fecking exhausted and aching'. He looked at me puzzled. 'But', he says, 'You were only watching it- you weren't actually doing it'. Typical of him to split hairs. 'Well', I tells him, 'that proves tis no good for ye'. Think I may put that in the never watch again pile.

Hoseasons are offering holidays with unexpected touches. I like unexpected touches- particularly if they are from hunks.

Mines Mr Husband asked me to trim me bush so that he could drive his car up the drive. He said 'yer bush needs trimming- tis hanging all over the sides How am I expect to put me car in garage'. I had to get him to help- I just couldn't get down that low. Looks better now. However, we left the top long- now if the electric man wants to come he is going to have to root around in my bush to find me cubby hole.

Pains in my chest and I say to Mines Mr Husband 'I think I got a heart thing going on'. He said 'Ye needs some spray for under ye tongue'- he handed me some spray. He is very efficient like that. I sprayed it. Bleach is feckin horrid under yer tongue.

Have a cake- have a kit kat. My new mantra. May stand outside slimming world with that one. I already give them rewards for losing weight. Well they do need an incentive. One group has already moved and gone underground because 'of that pesky woman outside giving out cakes'. Life is too feckin short not to eat cake.

I also had a new experience yesterday. They say new experiences are good for you. I used a Unisex Loo. Torquay have installed unisex loos! I always said I would never succumb- but needs must when the bladder is full and the next nearest loo is a mile away. Tis very hard to walk that far with yer legs crossed. So I took the bull by the horns and in I went. I am glad I did too- for two reasons- because a) I didn't pee my pants and 2) there were some very hunky guys in there. When I came out mines Mr Husband said 'Were you ok? You were a long time!' I said 'Of course I was ok- after I had a wee I hung around to see if I could help'. He looked puzzled -'help?' he asked. 'What is there to help with?'- I explained 'You know- in case anyone needed "anything" holding'. He sighed and said 'In future when you need a wee you have one at the ladies at the other end of town- and I hope you didn't do booby jiggling and flashing'. I said nothing. He is always pissing on my chips that man!

And that be it me ol babbers- catch ya all laters.................

Oooo-er  - just one more thing -I am loving my horoscope this week - it talks of Deep Erotica, Naughty in tents and Uranus exploration and adventure. Not sure what to do this week...............

Bikinis, Boobs and Bargains

Monday was a nice day here in Sunny Devon in the South West of England- the sun was shining very brightly and still warm enough to go out without a coat. I enticed Mines Mr Husband to the outside world and we had a road trip to the beautiful Brixham where we watched Seals frolicking and the Beautiful Torquay where we watched Kestrels catching dinner. The evening we ended up on Paignton beach- we didn't wash up with the tide or anything- we droved there. We watched the sun set- not over the sea as Mines Mr Husbands promised but over yonder hills. Well he watched the sunset- I collected sea shells and tormented the waves with my 'shall I or shan't get me feet wet' method of collecting shells. Funny though, I was the only one the whole day who was in me bikini. Mines Mr Husband didn't want to wear his.

In Torquay the £1 shop had a sale. I was most thrilled. Mines Mr Husband couldn't see the point of everything being reduced to 90pence. But I said 'look 'ere mate if I buy 10 things I have saved a £1. You stick with me kid- I will show ye thrifty'. I bought two boxes of chocolate brazils and a huge box of jaffa cakes. Mines Mr Husband said 'that don't be looking very healthy shopping'. So I chucked in a dieting book. Still he grumbled. So I explained how healthy it truly was: 'Brazil Nuts are one of me five a day-healthy. Chocolate is made from Cocoa beans- a vegetable- healthy. Jaffa cakes contain Chocolate- see above; also orange jelly- Orange one of me five day- healthy; and sponge- contains eggs that are good for you and also come from chickens. This means I have practically got a roast dinner in this basket. And on top of that there is milk in chocolate and this means I am getting calcium for me bones which is important in old people- so I am willing to share my roast dinner with you'. He just sighed.

In Brixham I heard an old man say 'Come yer and let me take your top off'. I didn't need asking twice and by the time I reached him I already had me top off. Mines Mr Husband, ever vigilant grabbed hold of me and made me put it back on. 'Why you do that and jiggle your boobies to that old man?- he nearly had coroner'.  I was a bit confused if I am honest. I did think it was a bit of a racy suggestion for a place like Brixham. I thought it may have been his birthday or his last day on earth or something. I am all for helping someone have a good birthday or a last day on earth so I am. 'He asked me too', I told Mines Mr Husband. 'No he didn't' he said- 'he was talking to his wife- she couldn't get the top off her bottle of water'. Well how the feck was I supposed to know. I would like to think I brightened an old mans day.

Thems across the road have come home with thems new baby- I am still trying to get a peak. They keep her covered with a blanket. She must be well feckin ugly. I know it is a she because they told Mines Mr Husband it is called Grace. Unless they are calling boys Grace this day. 'Tell them to call her Gary' I said. 'The world is running out of Gary's' I said. He said it was up to them what they called their baby. I still think I should have been consulted. Anyways her, the mother, (the family sized gateau shape one from Iceland with the integrated bike rack that has just had the baby called Grace), has kept her bush in very good order. It is blooming and a real pleasure to see when I looks out me kitchen window. I takes me hat off to her. Some women let thems bushes go to wrack and ruin when they have a baby so they do.

Also this week- The Russians are coming.

TIts, Boob jiggling, Bushes and Lunchboxes

Diary of another week at Beths.

Tuesday : Mine's Mr Husband and I opened Frank and had a discussion. He thinks it would be helpful if I had a little job to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, mine's Mr Husband not Frank. Who the feck is Frank anyway? Tomorrow I am off to building site at end of road to offer my services. Also I can work for them as an odd carrier. I can carry bricks on me mobility walker as long as they don't want me to walk the plank it will be ok.

Monday: Well ye all knows I be having trouble with me lump. I been to the Masochist- technical term Neck lump Doctor come radiowhatsit doctor. I stripped off soon as I got in the waiting room. There was poorly peoples laying in the corridors (on beds- we not that bad here yet!). I gave them all a little poke as I walked by. Lots of moans, squeals and a couple screams. The peoples on the beds did too. The old man in the wheelchair- never moved a muscle. Think he was dead. Edna in the wheelchair who has just had her 196th birthday didn't move much too. 'How do ye know Edna just had her 196th birthday?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. She had a party popper still in her mouth and was blowing on it. I took it out. I was fearful of her disturbing the sick. Anyways according to the doctor, and they usually know these things, t'was not a party popper. T'was her oxygen. After that I didn't hear make a sound but then she didn't have her hearing aids in either so I wouldn't have. Anyways the doctor  (the radiothingymajig doctor) asked me why I was stripped off. I said 'feel my lumps'. He said put your clothes on. He was a miserable fecker. Even jiggling the boobies didn't make him smile. Although he has agreed with me and mines husband and mines dentist and mines doctor tis a lump. Tis just a nymphnode he thinks. I put mines clothes back on when I came outside- t'was very nipply noodles out there.

Also on Wednesday I realised Ben Fogle- likes to spend time with people in far away hidden places. 'He can come and live with me in my far away hidden place anytime' I says to Mines Mr Husband. He said 'We don't live in a far away hidden place'. Like I tells him- 'then I will find somewhere, somewhere hot where Ben has to keep stripping- and whats all this 'WE' Mines Mr Husband? you not invited'. He gone to his shed now. Sad really cos he don't have a shed!

Thursday : Well ye all knows I get quite excited on National Sausage day (and I do like a good quality sausage!) but today is National Packed Lunch Day- (basically same as National Sausage Day in my book). So I am off out to assess Packed Lunches in and around Devon. I may have the urge to handle one or two so I could end up needing bail money- (aw come on guys- I haven't asked ye for any for ages because I have been kinda of quite well behaved). Roll on National Orgasm Day- it came too early for me to take part last year!

Well go me! I don't do driving much these days but if mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe - by her own admission) can, then I can do it too. Mines wonderful father bought me a little pea green car to get out and about. I loves it cos it got a tray under the seat to hide cake and scooby snacks. I be well made up. So I had a little trip to Ottery (mainly cos I knows me way back from there with a good degree of certaintity). I wanted the other traffic to be aware of me so I drove down the middle of the road. Few cars are ditched but hey ho- such is life. Mine is ok. I walked proudly round Ottery telling everyone 'I drove yer by meself- no help or nuffin'. I got three smiley good girl badges and a tube of smarties. I checked packed lunches (see early status- oh do keep up!!). I forget it was pension day and all they have are cocktail sausages (like the one mines other sister cooks) and shrivelled grapes. Then I spotted two work men. I thought brilliant- they always have good lunchboxes. They thought I wanted to get past. I said 'no, just checking your lunchboxes'. They seemed ok with it. Then I said I needed to have a closer inspection. You would think they understood all about close inspections. It threw them. So would like to apologise to the one that fell in the wheelie bin and the one the fell off the curb. Hope you feel better soon- and by the way- I should sue that driver of that white van- he oughta be more careful and look where hims going.

I also been a walk to the post box. All this exercise is bad for me I be sure of it. Well blow me I have witnessed extreme bush trimming in action. All the tits are in disarray! On the plus side I got chance to check out some more lunch boxes. Nasty cut that bush trimming man ended up with- he should be more in control of his equipment is all I can say. Think I need a lie down now.

Sunday: Don't know what the matter is with mines Mr Husband. We had a lovely trip out to Dorset to see mines sister the other day. I seen lots of things I could get him for fathers day. I found not one, not two but three dead badgers. A dead fox. A dead pheasant. A dead rabbit and a dead sandbag! Did he want them? No he feckin too fussy by half. I told him he ungrateful. Its the thought that counts..