Muff Buffing and Moth Balls

Ye must remember me telling ye yesterday about Dirty Gertie and her Vajazzle and the muff Buff (mine) and today we was supposed to go to get her muff sandblasted. Mines Mr Husband took me in Tesco instead. I tell ye, he will take me anywhere that man. No shame!. Tis true they don't do muff buffs in Tesco. But there was a couple in front of me at the checkout and they were having such an argument about whether she has bought the right top curtains I couldn't get a word in edgeways. No matter how I tried. All I wanted to do, after surveying the contents of her shopping trolley, was to let her know that the muff wash she had bought was loaded with chemicals. When I did manage to get a word in edgeways (I got her attention when I kicked her in the shin) I told her it was true- mines very own muff doctor told me not to use it. 'Loaded with chemicals' I tells her. 'Bleach, drain cleaner, Formahide, weed killer, moth balls- the lot',  I tells her I gave mine to mines mr Husband to wash his hair with (nothing goes to waste in this house I tell ye). He said he didn't fancy washing his hair with it but he would use it to wash the car with. So he did. Took a layer a paint off. Took the shine right off our car I tell ye. Well, well I be telling her all this she then turns around to look at me. She was a right minger. I takes one look at her and said 'forget I said anyfin me ol' babber, if yer face is owt to go by yer be needing yer muff sandblasting'. I gave her dirty Gerties number- they can go together on the second friday of the month tis always buy one, get one half price.