I went on holiday with mines mother and mines father and
mines little sister. Not mines teeny weeny little psychotic sister with all the
kids and the camel toe. Mines other little sister with the issues (nothing
wrong with that - we all got some) We had a nice time but I found out there is
things you cannot do when on holiday with yours parents. And I discovered no
matter how old you get the family dynamics never change and that people don't
change, they just get older! For instance when I had my headphones on listening
to mines music they stopped me from dancing on the caravan table naked. They
said the table wasn't strong enough. But they let mines little sister (with the
issues) do it. Then, as some of you know I do spill me dinner down me a lot so
I do dine topless. They wouldn't let me do that, especially in the restaurants.
Even though mines father did it.
There was trouble right from the start because when we
arrived that security guard - 'more than jobs worth ma'am' wouldn't even let me
in the camp site without mines mother. I said 'I will show you mines boobies if
you will let me in'. But he was a stickler for the rules even though he liked
mines boobies. He even took the sticky Murray
mint I gave him out of the ashtray (mines Mr Husband sucked it previously and
spit it out and I put it in the ashtray and saved it for emergencies). Still 'more
than me jobs worth ma'am' wouldn't let me in. I even kicked him on the shin and
tried to distract him by pointing out a stray crocodile on the golf course. His
head was not for turning. I think he wanted to see mines boobies again. Another
man who was 96 turned up to get in. No 'more than me jobs worth ma'am' wouldn't
let him in without his mother. Then as it turned out mines mother and father
was lost. They rang and said they was lost. I believed them. I gave them
directions to find me. I said ' we have a red jaguar and we are parked by the
camp site and 'more than me jobs worth ma'am' won't let me in without mines
mother, so please hurry up'. Mines Mr Husband said ' for fecks sake they are
lost enough, don't you go trying to help, you will make things much worse'. But
I do like to be helpful. I told them to turn right at the lights and left at a
pub. They asked which lights. And which pub? I said 'how the feck should I
know. Just find some and turn right'. Then I heard mines mother asking a passer
by for directions. He said he was lost too. I offered to give him directions
too but he wasn't looking for me by the camp site anyway. So he was no feckin
help to no-one. Anyways it was a miracle they found me and then 'more than me
jobs worth ma'am' let me in. Then we all got lost - if you have seen one
caravan you have seen them all. Mines father spent ages trying to get into the
wrong caravan, number 55 until I pointed out that I think that we should try 95
because it said on our bit of paper that ours was 95. I let mines sister have
the big bed in a room of her own because she snores and farts. I just milled
around like Goldilocks trying them all out all the week.
On Sunday me and mines little sister (with the issues) sat
in the big deck chair - she made me do it. We had to get the life guard to get
us out. Well we didn't really need him to. We weren't that stuck but we liked
him (he was hotty tottie and I if I had found him in my bed I would have given
a week to get out) We thought it would
be nice if he could man handle us. Then mines little sister (with the issues)
played tipping point in the arcade. I went round and took all the monies out
that people had forgot to collect. I have come home a whole penny richer. My
son taught me how to do that.
On Tuesday we went to
the marshes to see the birds. I dragged mines parents and mines little sister
(with the issues) along because its nice there. After all that dragging mines
arms was feckin' achin'. Dragging three peoples is heavy. Just glad they was
alive. I gave some bird food to mines little sister (with the issues) and mines
mother to feed the birds and the pigeons flocked all over them and they looked
liked the mad bird woman in Home Alone. So I took some pictures. Then a few of
them shit on mines mother. She wasn't very excited at that. Then mines mother
wanted to pee. She wasn't very happy at having to pay 20pence to pee. She
thought that was expensive, so she opened the door and tried to attract a
crowd. Not whilst she was peeing you understand. But she wanted as many people
to pee for her 20p as possible. She is not very good at drawing a crowd so I
said 'let me show you how its done and I started singing and stripping'. That
was me first mistake. Not sure I will be allowed to go back there. I said to
mines mother 'I didn't know why you didn't use the free loos in the shop just
there'. She was spitting feathers by now. That's her own fault for sucking on pigeons.
Mines father was going mad because there was a lot of a rats about. 'Kill the
rats, kill the rats' he shouted. I told them if they didn't behave themselves I
would take them back home. Can't take them anywhere. He came home shouting
'kill the rats'. I think he really got upset at the feckin rats.
Did you know you can be arrested for shouting fire in a
restaurant when there is none? Neither did I until Tuesday. Apparently that's
not the way to complain about a burnt baked potato. You live and learn you do.
Me and mines little sister (with the issues) had a ride on
some donkeys. We chose to go bare back because that's how we roll. We got told
to put our clothes on and not come back. So that's not what bare backed means,
apparently. Mines donkey buckled anyway. I think he was wonky and his knees was
gone. They don't use the best of donkeys for rides. They are the same donkeys
that we went on I was three. Well they looked the same. Then we went to the sea
life centre. Mines father spent a long time confusing the man at the door and
we went in for half the price. Mines little sister (with the issues) threw a
tantrum for some candy floss in the sea life centre. I told you she had issues.
We let her have some candy floss. Actually it was stuffing for 'build your own
bear' but she didn't seem to notice. She has got a bit of a cough now. I think
some of it stuck in her throat. Mines father caught some nice fish for dinner.
But the man in the sea life centre made him put it back in the tank. I was
luckier- I managed to sneak a penguin under me coat for free and now me snow
leopards and me wonky donkeys have some company.
Mines little sister (with the issues) went out and got lost
and I was sent to find her. She did know she was first of all but got
distracted by something shiny and followed that. Then she was right off course.
Now I know some of yous will be rolling around with laughter. When someone gets lost-
who is the best person to send to find her? Bizzylizzy? Really?? I know I thought
that too! I get lost when I got the sat nav. Mind you mines Mr Husband says
'switch the sat nav on'. But I don't. I can't stand that woman who keeps
telling me she is recalculating- when you are lost it's no time to do feckin
maths. Anyways mines mother sends me off to find mines little sister (with the
issues). I thinks mines mother and mines father just wanted some peace and
quiet and hoped we would stay out for a long time. They told us to look for the
gingerbread house. Anyway mines little sister was so easy to find because she
was stood in the middle of the road crying-' I've lost me mammy and I've lost
me daddy'. She was attracting quite a crowd. I took her hand and gave her me
snotty hanky to wipe her tears and then I took her hand and took her round the
houses- well the caravans. Then we was both lost and stood crying .............well
I wasn't. I just wanted to be rescued by the life guard again. He turned out to
be a real treasure that life guard. I am considering employing him to do life
saving around the house.
Since I have been home I didn't realise how ungrateful some
peoples can be. It is tradition to bring back souvenirs from a holiday. As
mines Mr Husband couldn't come and stay on holiday with me I found him some souvenirs.
Some things from the beach. A rusty cola can and a few paper bags and a MacDonald's
plastic thingy to put his burger and bun in. He likes burgers and buns so he
does. Then I found a crabs leg and spade handle. If he collects enough bits
like this he can make his own bucket and spade set eventually and this is money
saved. He usually praises me for saving money. Also I brought him back a
pheasant- bit squished it was but t'was good of mines father to stop in that
stream of traffic for me to pick it up. I gave him all these on my return- he
was not impressed. Feck I shan't bother again. I think it was the dead badger
that pushed him over the edge and made him cross. Personally I think he should
think himself lucky thems dead badgers are hard to find round here.
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