Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.