Adventures, Musings and Stuff that my head has had swooshing
round in it.
Been exciting for me this week. The weather been all over
the place. Here and there and all over. Windy gussets and sudden soakings. Half
price dish sponges, a new washing up bowl (to take on me holidays), new orgasm
socks (to take on me holidays), a new toofbrush (to take on me holidays- I not
be like some dirty feckers who don't clean thems teef on holiday or any other
time) and I today I am off to get more headphones (for me holidays if the
bedroom experiment works) and some new bath mats (for me holidays- cos we still
haven't done it) and a wedgie (for me holidays). Not only that but mines sister
has found herself a man than don't snore. I am also keeping me eye out for one
of these (to take on me holidays).
Well I am thinking of re-evaluating my relationship with
mines Mr Husband. I said I was looking forward to seeing if there were any
Dunelms on mines holidays. He said he is not. I don't really know if I can live
with this kind of negativity. I may have to go on holiday with a different man-
one who appreciates Dunelm on holiday.
Well I expect ye are all wondering how the bedroom
experiment went. Not well my friends, not well. T'was not so much a night of
whips and chains as wires, cables and Velcro. Mines Mr Husband came in bedroom
with a strappy contraption that he said is designed to shut yer cake 'ole. He recommends this for men who's wives won't
shut up!! Anyways on this thing goes, Velcro fastened, and he gets in my bed. That's
half my bed gone! I like to sleep diagonally with loads of pillows supporting
me. That was that outta the window long with my arse- T'was the only place left
for it. Then Mines Mr Husband went to sleep and he started snoring. He breaks
decibel metres. He could be banned from sleeping if the council heard it. So it
was time for my part of the experiment. I threw the cover off and got me new
super duper JVC headphones out. In vain, in the dark, I tried to find the hole-
T'was very frustrating trying to find a little hole in the dark in the bed
don't ye know. Then when I did find it the damn slippery thing kept sliding
outta me ear hole. Cables all tangled round me neck. Then I found the music was
playing but wasn't coming outta the headphones anyway and so Mines Mr Husband
was woken to Elvis singing 'It ain't no big thing but it's growing'. Slightly
insulted, he tried to go back to sleep. I finally managed to listen to some
music but resulted to my solo beats. Still I couldn't sleep. Even had two
sleepy tablets. In the end Mines Mr Husband got up and went back to his own bed
because I was too fidgety for him! It's happening all over again tonight- all
this so we don't have to book two hotel rooms on holiday!!
We been up St Ottery Mary place today. Mines Mr Husband
stopped outside the church and read, out loud, to me (cheek!) 'Confessions on a
Saturday Here'. I inhaled that remark. Then we got home and he says 'I been
thinking about that Confessions on a Saturday, fruitcake- maybe ye should go
along'. Well I friggin never. He was thinking of sending me there. 'I already
went last week whilst ye was at work', I tells him, 'but I ain't welcome there
again, no siree'. He looked horrified he
did. 'Oh no, ye didn't did ye?' he asked. I nodded. 'Ye lifted yer top and
jiggled yer boobies at father Dreary didn't
ye?'. I nodded. 'I did indeedy, he looked feckin miserable. Then I asked
him I asked him if he would like me to buff up his candlestick. I lifted his
cassock to have a look at it'. Then he shooed me out saying 'Go to hell Mary
three times'. I think he had me confused with someone else to tell ye the
truth. Well Mary to be exact. Mines Mr Husband shook his head in sorrow. He has
gone to have time out in the shed he said. So I am asking ye all to check yer
sheds-only we don't have one and I don't know the feck where he be!
She be a silly moo on Pointless- she thought Bermuda was a country. Every body knows that its not.
Everybody knows it be a frickin triangle!
Is it just me or has anybody else noticed the roads are
filled with these little friggin Fiat 500 things. They bloody everywhere. Are
they free with cornflakes this year or someat? On the plus side they make my
pea look like a mercedes!
Dear Philips Sonicare. I love my new electric toothbrush. My
tongue had an amazing orgasm. I don't suppose you could make vibrators could
you?
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