Monks and Booby Jiggling

Well how's your week been- this is what mine has been doing:

SUNDAY:Mines Mr Husband took me out for the afternoon. I am not religious as ye knows. I been there, done that and had the guilt trip. The nearest I gets to religious is to say to Satan 'Get thee behind me' when I am outside the cake shop- and he usually pushes me in. Anyways mines Mr Husband takes me to the Abbey up Buckwhatsit. People go there for a religious experience. I didn't want one but its full of monks and I thought they may like a Beth experience. Mines Mr Husband had to remove his cap at the door. I asked if they would like me to remove something- please. They said not. I asked them to think again- I Was willing to remove my entire outfit. I even told them I had new knickers. The answer was still no. 'Bugger' I said- and they frowned and done the sign of the cross over me head. So I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies- it usually cheers men up. Not so Monks. I hope mines Ashley is not getting married in there because I don't think I will be allowed in again. Then Mines Mr Husband took me somewhere less controversial- the river Dart. I got me self a nice canoe. But Mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips. He said 'Fruitcake, give the man back his canoe and apologize for tipping him out'. I didn't tip him out. I lifted mines top and jiggled my boobies just as he was going past- he fell out of his own choosing. We are home now- not allowed on adventures for a while!!

MONDAY: So I see Littlewoods are selling breakfast cushions. Seems Porridge is out of fashion these days. I just don't know how I am going to get mines Mr Husband to swallow that one! Might need extra coffee.

TUESDAY: Yay, I made new friends today- although mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips- he says that tying people up and keeping them in the cupboard goes above being anti-social. I am not anti-social- quite the opposite in fact.

THURSDAY: A couple of  'not feeling it days'- but that's because mines Mr Husband is at work or asleep all this week and can't get close enough. Oh yeah, and I cut me fringe- I need to do serious top lifting and naked booby jiggling to distract peoples eyes from it. The man in Save the Bernardos shop had a panic attack when I did it. He is not used to any customers (although they did have 15 on the opening day) let alone naked booby jiggling ones .And now here I am, survived another week- but tis another week nearer to the holiday and I still have bath mats to get yet! Feeling a trip to Dunelm coming on..............

WEDNESDAY :Well her across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, is having a baby. An actual baby. A real one! She didn't just have a baby shower for the cake. Neither did she offer me any. However, she left the kitchen windows open so I help me self. It  looked like self service to me so I didn't ask. Anyways, her blokey, the pork pie shaped one also with integrated bike rack (I seen it when he was bent over tending to her tulips in her box), he came and told mines Mr Husband they were having a baby shower cos they were having a baby. I thought t'was just cake. Anyway I said to mines Mr Husband 'When is it going to be born?'- he said 'I don't feckin know- I didn't ask'. I told him- 'well I needs to know- I don't want to be in that day- just in case I have to get involved. I had that problem in the last house when PYT (Pretty Young Thing) next door was having hers and things got late, and difficult and all I had to hand was a bread knife. So I asked him 'Is it a boy or a girl?'- he said he didn't know- he didn't ask and why did it matter. I said 'Because her next door at 23 got a boy- I don't want another boy- it will play havoc with my OCD. I like things to be evened out'. He said 'well we get what comes and its not our business anyway'. He was quite rude to me about it. So then I asked 'how much it weighted and he said he didn't ask because they haven't had it yet. And I was to stop asking so many questions. I still think its pretty damn inconsiderate not to consult the neighbours about planning a baby when we all live so close. People these days have no consideration for others!

Cut me hair with me new doofers with the spirit level on. Someat wrong with that spirit level if ye asks me. Wouldn't stay still. Anyways my advice to anyone buying one of them doofers to cuts thems hair is take your knickers off first. I expect when Mines Mr Husband gets up and comes round from the sleep experience (yep- feckin nights again!) he will advise me go to a hairdresser to get it straightened!

PM: Well mines Mr Husband is up- he has spotted me fringe. He just sighed and said 'oh dear, oh dear- oh dear!' I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies. It has distracted him from me fringe!

FRIDAY: So the lyrics are 'wave my last goodbye' and all this time I been singing wave my ass goodbye'. Thought it was strange. Learns someat new every day you doos.

SATURDAY: Well thats mines Mr Husband Happy. I finally emptied the fairy liquid bottle. He been waiting ages for that so he can build a rocket. Sshhh don't tell him but I refilled it three times! Little divil me.

I am still here! Wet Knickers, Bubble wrap and Tape

The little girl in the white cotton frock has survived another night and another day to tell another tale. It's not easy being her. Tonight though she is someone else. Someone a bit brighter. So this is what the last few days adventures have been:

Saturday Night -

7.15 pm -The excitement when a car stops in the lay by and you think you got visitors. Then they go to pull off. I am getting really good now at stopping cars from pulling away. So Yay- I have visitors. When I remove the tape from their mouths I will ask them their names.

7.30pm -As luck would have it a break down truck pulled up in lay by too. He didn't know all the uses for a tow rope. They all seem to be having fun trying to get free and I am showing them baby pics of the kids. Such fun. Keep bail money on stand by. Last time it didn't end so well.

10pm (at the police station) -Oh so it's called kidnap is it. Well there you go. That's put the mockers on that then. Didn't like them anyway. Needs bail money.

Sunday morning at 3am: (back home) The tv remote control has spiralled out of control. Had to pull the plug out of the TV. What I say is thank feck for Solo beats and Elvis Presley. Make the most of loud singing before we move to the new house. It won't be as soundproof as this one. Singing won't be the only thing we will have to be quiet with either. Mines mister will have to fart bit quieter an all.

Sunday morning at 4am: I don't know what the man from down the road wanted. Something about making a noise. I told him straight - it's 4 in the morning- haven't you got better things to do than pester women who trying to sing along to Elvis. You oughta be sleeping not banging on my door making a noise. Fair to say he went off with a flea in his ear.

Tuesday Morning:

When you are poorly sometimes you have to stay in bed. You wear your pyjamas or nothing at all if this is your preference. When you are poorly sometimes you have to go to the doctors. I do not see what is wrong with wearing your pyjamas or nothing at all if that is your preference. I just can't see what the fuss was about. I had me socks on I did.

Tuesday Evening:

Its all excitement here. 1000mm of bubble wrap arrived. Poor delivery man thought I was a loony. Mines Mr Husband has locked the front door- he has gone to work. This has a two fold purpose - keeps me from escaping (it is ok mines friends- I have chocolate) and stops me from kidnapping people to talk to. However, it buggers up deliveries muchly. But then Yodel do say they will deliver after seven but I have never know them to before- or in the day even! I called through the letter box for him to leave it on the doorstep. He wouldn't. Then I ran though the house and out in the garden and waved to his mate from the gate. Then I ran back in the house and back to the front to wave to the man at the door. Then I ran up the stairs and along the landing to the bedroom to search for a door key. Back down the stairs and through the living room to the front door. I opened the door and told him I was sooo sorry, waved to his mate in the van and then thought ooooh the man that was delivering the bubble wrap was enough to bring the wet knicker brigade out in full force. So as I grabbed the luscious bubble wrap and I grabbed the delivery man and waved his friend off. The delivery man is now parcel taped to the chair behind the bubble wrap whilst I get me breath back and take some pain killers - then we are going to have some fun with the bubble wrap. I Have locked the door and hidden the key. It is going to be a fun night.x