'Twas lovely of mines osteopaff to put mines
intereverterbrates back in in mines back but I sure is bruised. It feckin
hurts. So mines Mr Husband said to sit with the frozen peas again. That guys is
why I am writing this from the second drawer down (or up if ye are laying down)
in the freezer.
Saturdays: We been watching the Olympics. Me
favourite is the going on the slide on a red tea tray. And the snowboards. Tis
my opinion the Olympics would be better if they all did it naked. I said to
mines Mr Husband 'we could do that Snowboarding. We could do it naked. We could
go up the Co-op, have a drop of Jack Daniels (for courage) and then you could
slap some butter (or margarine cos its cheaper) on the handrails down the steps
and we could practice. I have it all planned out and then next time the Olympics
is on we could apply'. Then he said 'Ye can't do that with yer arfritic hips me
little fruitcake and don't be forgetting that I got dodgy knees. We have to
find something gentler at our time in life' . I knew that fecker would piss on
me chips. I am going to suggest the knobbly skiing later cos he likes that. If
he still refuses I am deffo putting our names down for the naked cruising of
the coast of Devon
later this year. Deffo!
Thursday: Don't do today what you can
tomorrow. Don't put it off or whatever. You could be dead. Or someone else
could be. Thats a hot top tit. Also talking of hot tits if you see someone with
their head on fire- take no chances they are having a stroke and the advice is
to either move away or call 999. I told mines Mr Husband if he sees me with
head on fire he can let me die. Don't go mithering the ambulance people. They
are busy and for real emergencies. He said 'I wouldn't let you die cos I love
you'. I said 'well I will let you die'. He said that that was fair enough if
that case then. I already had a mini stroke and he didn't see if me head was on
fire or not. He wasn't yer was he. But I did say to him to check first- it
might not be me having a stroke- no it might be cos I have had me hat too tight
and me head just got too warm.
Wednesday:
From me fan mail: 'Dear Aunty Beth- How do you keep looking so young?'
Love Doris. Bet thats her over back yer with
the cotton candy striped sheets from way back when. (I seed them on her line
the other week having their yearly wash). Anyways Good Question Doris.
I will tell ye- cream. Plenty of creaming of the face I tell ye. Ye haves to
have a lot of cakes- with cream in middle and on top - takes a lot of cake
cream to stay looking so young! Simples. Or ye can buy it in a jar but tisn't
so much fun. Have a nice day Doris. (P.S- I
sees you picking yer nose every morning- don't forget to wave to me when you
gets to the bridge!)
Monday : I have watched a thingymajig about
the best wellies to wear. The best hot top tit they had was that Kids wellies
should be worn for short periods of time only. I think this is great advice
because I really struggle to get kids wellies on! Murder to walk in! Also
probably when I find Mines Mr Husband wellies at the road side I should try to
find two the same size because he really moans about how uncomfortable they are
and tis important wellies are comfortable! He will be well chuffed at me if I
make a greater effort for him I am sure.
I also keeps seeing on the
telly that if you got three matching balls ye are likely to get a prize. Also,
not mentioned, lots of notoriety because ye should have only two balls! Please,
if ye haves three matching balls ring me first.
And finally mines bestie has
asked when I am going to write a new book- all I can say guys- is watch this
space but meanwhile you can still get mines other two on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1518345117&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas
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