Freshen up your Nunny

I been Tesco in the pea. I found the way and way back there, almost all by meself. Whoohoo. There was a woman next to me at the fruit thingy. She was iffling and piffling- melon or pineapple, melon or pineapple. I said 'for fecks sake Missus- just pick one- ye can always bring one back and change it for something else if ye don't like it'. Then I leaned in and told her 'ye does know that pineapple is good for ye- it keeps ye lady parts smelling fresh'. She looked at me in disbelief. I say 'tis true- google it- but don't make the mistake I made last year- I forgot to remove the green prickly bit of the top and it got stuck. I ended up in A & E for three hours and every one was looking at me nunny'.  I tell ye there is no way to sit on thems seats in there with a jammed pineapple up ye nunny. Ye have to lay across all the seats with ye legs in the air. Mines Mr Husband was telling everybody I was giving birth and that I had mated with an ooompah looompah. Anyways she bought a melon. Always a safer option I think......