Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Orgasm socks, Big knickers and Hats

ANOTHER WEEK IN THE CRAZY WORLD OF BETH

TUESDAY: As me holiday draws ever near I am thinking I still don't have any new knickers to accompany on me trip. Mines Mr Husband, still looking tent size knickers. I bulk at such garments. He reminds me tis very nippy up there on that there Bens Nevis. 'Tis ok', I tells him, that means it will be windy in the valley and the exposed bushes shall take a good blow through'.  He says he don't like the idea of exposed bushes at all and now he is looking at harvest festival knickers (ye know the sort- all is safely gathered in- goggy catchers me granny called them) for me. I am sure tis a lie that knickers are worn regularly north of the border. I am going to be checking under all the kilts when I get there! I we will looking for old bag and pipes and unkempt bushes.

WEDNESDAY : Mines Mr Husband and I (note the regal undertones here) watched the programme about mediation last night. Unable to believe how pathetic some people are when it comes to agreeing over the divorce thing. We said that if we ever divorced then we wouldn't be so childish. I said 'I tell ye what ye have custody of your kids and I will have custody of mine'. He thought this was a super idea. Then I said 'And we will sell this house and have 50/50 each' He thought that was an even better idea. Then he said 'The only thing I be wondering- which one of us shall tell the Landlord?'.....................mmmm tricky- trust him to find a snag.

FRIDAY : Because we have something visits our garden in the night and re-arranges the egg shell on me border I got Mines Mr Husband to rig up the CCTV so it's filming me garden. I am having a lovely day today watching the bath mats and me britches flapping about on the garden line! That's my day sorted!

SATURDAY ;I was thinking about packing my bikinis for my holiday in Scotland. I do have some now. Well I have the bottoms. Mines little sister (not the one with the issues, the day confusion, the accidental blue hair, the part time camel toe (by her own admission) and tinny titsus in her ears) - no the other one with the big boobies, well she gave me some bikinis. Well she gave me the bottoms because she don't wear them. She kept the tops because she said we could look like twins in them. Also I think it is one of thems nice gestures like the sisters necklace- you know you have half each. But we skint bitches so we have done it with bikinis. Anyways I asked mines Mr Husband 'Do thems wear bikinis in Scotland'- of course they do he said. I jumped straight up to pack mine- then he added 'when they go to the swimming pool or on holiday to Spain and sometimes on the one hot day of the year they have- they have had already had it this year my ickle pickcle'. So no bikini for Scotland. Tis settled- I shall have to go naked!

MONDAY: There I am limping round B&Q  waiting for the things we are looking for to jump out at me to save me little legs. You know the kinda things. Velcro fastening for Mines Mr Husbands crack (in case the gorilla glue wears off on holiday), u shaped nail things (for same thing) and the odd plant that will look nice in me garden- it will look nice among all the other odd plants, when Mines Mr Husband says 'are ye in pain my little luvver?' I says to him ' Of course I am - I not be limping to try to get me shopping half the price ye know- I am in pain 24/7 ye knows'. He said 'ye don't very often say it do ye? I am yours Mr Husband, ye can tell me anything ye knows. Anything ye wants. I don't mind if ye grumbles about the pain'. What a lovely ol feller he is. 'Aw that be nice I said- can I tell ye absolutely anythin?'.  'Yes- ye can tell me anything at all' he said. 'Well I said 'I got wedgie and an itchy bum I think I got a splinter in it. Will ye take a quick look?'. That was before the man up the ladder fell off.  Not allowed in there either anymore!

SUNDAY: - I said to mines Mr Husband 'Oooer tis hot in yer in it don't ye thinks? Dos thee think its hot in yer?' He said 'Yeah but yer probably hotter than I cos ye are a woman of a certain age. Ye are menopausal aren't ye'. I had to agree with him- sweat running down from me four heads it was. Then he said 'Why don't ye takes yer hat and yer scarf  and yer gloves off me ol' babbers- ye won't sweat so much and ye will feel the benefits- tis height of summer ye knows'. I tell ye he is always pissing on me chips. I was trying 'em on to see if they still fits for me trip up Ben Nevis. Ye needs to be warm up there so ye doos. I be worried if I takes 'em off I will have growed out of 'em before I gets there and then I will be up there and puts them on in the first time since June and then they won't fits. He don't appreciate the planning that goes into a holiday that man!

THURSDAY: I made a video about the Orgasm Socks- ye can view it yer if ye needs to know about them or if ye got ten minutes to spare. Don't watch it if ye are prone to blushing or swooning. I don't want any of ye coming over all necessary on my blog. I don't want any of ye coming all over my necessary blog either!! Copy and paste one or both of the following links- but not a the same time................

https://youtu.be/bhY1Y5dYnY4
OR here  https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1