Tis that time of the week again- ok, so I know I missed one or two- I am menopausal don't you know? I can't be expected to remember everything. So this is how went this last couple of weeks.
We had a lovely day at Doodle Dwarf last week. I just
couldn't understand why Mines Mr Husband kept asking stupid questions all day.
Like a feckin annoying toddler.
'Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?'. I said 'I don't feckin know- ye are the one driving!'
Then all day long pointless questions!
'Why do you keep telling people you are menopausal?' (Well
because they don't know by looking at me)
'Why do you keep stripping off and telling everyone you have
new knickers at home?' (Because I am menopausal and a little bit rude - and who
doesn't like to hear about new knickers?)
'Why is there a dead pheasant in the boot?' (This he claims
was no good as it would be covered in exhaust fumes from the roadside from
where I retrieved it- to feckin fussy he is- it was lovely and fresh-ish)
'Why is there a half bottle of disgusting smelling lemonade in
the boot?' (Another brilliant find of mine on the roadside near the pheasant-
and I thought it was wine!)
'Why did you steal two flower pots with little fir trees in
from outside that womans front door' (I didn't steal them- I thought she left
them at the road side for the taking).
'Why do we have 14 different hub cabs in the boot and half a
tyre?' ( More brilliant gifts found at the roadside for Mines Mr Husband- who
was proving to be a tad ungrateful yesterday as it happens).
'Why is there a comatose iguana in the foot well?' (He fell
outta tree and nearly killed I and I couldn't reach to put him back. Tis well
known they do this in Winter)
'Why do you have a half a mars bar in each of your shoes'.
(Really! I think thats a bit impertinent- not his business I would argue!)
Anyways I did lots of walking just like Dr Angry Hard Jones
told me to do- no prescription for Easter Gin or Baileys - just exercise
because she told me I was a beast. She is getting cheeky that woman!
FRIDAY: We had a busy day this day. We went to Homebase.
After we spent much time extolling the virtues of Gorilla Glue with the young
lady behind the till, and giving her lessons in why she should look out for
comatose iguanas falling out of trees on these sunny days we left her (looking
a tad confused if I may say so) and headed over to Morrisons. I am not allowed
in tesco anymore not since getting naked and getting stuck to the freezer by me
nipples. Reminding them that I am 'Menopausal don't you know' and allowed by
law to strip off and climb in the freezer cut no ice with them I tell ye. Morrisons
seem a little bit liberal probably owing to the fact that 1) I used to be an exemplary
employee (mostly) and B) they have so few customers they are just glad for
anyone to visit. Mines Mr Husband dragged me past all of the cakes so I
wouldn't get cream on me nipples. Then after that he suggested a muffin (which
I declined owing to the fact I am on a diet) he took me up the muff. We went to
get some seeds for breakfast (yes guys this is what we have become reduced into
this house- breakfast is stuff that
looks like it has come out of the bottom of budgie cage and seed) and we talked
to the man in there about iguanas and the generation of miniature terrorists we have now in
charge. (Note: he doesn't chase shoplifters- being menopausal not needed as an
excuse). Then we had fish and chips on the seafront. I was very rebellious
today and didn't buy a parking ticket- ssshhhh- and I fed a seagull with the
batter off me fish. Then on the way home Mines Mr Husband, driving my pea,
charged at his ol friend Nick on the road. Enough to cause wet pants was that.
His not mine. I had me legs crossed. Soon I am going to get in the bath. I may
even take my clothes off again. And put water in. Thats the mood I am in today.
And not a crumb of cake in sight.
THURSDAY: Oooo-er missus it's blowing round your goolies
this morning. Storm Doris is upon us. I am
laid here in nothing but me nuddy pants and orgasm socks letting Doris give me a lashing. Who knew the menopause could be
this much fun. Although this grass is a bit damp if I must say so myself and
the neighbours are all gawping. Or they could be looking for their wheelie
bins. I know where mine is. I been on Wheelie Bin duty all night. Can't trust
thems feckers round here. If ye are going out today don't forget ye umbrella.
My hot top tit is though don't use it. Tis too draughty.
TUESDAY: More people are killed by Sausages each year than
by terrorists. Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative
fact). More Americans are killed by gun wielding toddlers than by terrorists.
Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative fact). I think I
would rather take me chance with the sausage. As long its a good quality
sausage. What I say is if ye are going to have a sausage makes sure it be a
good quality sausage. I think the menopause is responsible for my randomness.
MONDAY: I am joining the gym today. Well when I say joining
I am going to look through the window at the hot sweaty hunks. I developed this
habit when I went to Exmuff and realised there was a gym right there with huge
windows to the floor. Ye can sit on the seats along the estuary with yer chips
watching the hot hunks working out. Brings ye out in hot flushes so it does.
Mines Mr Husband watches the birds.
And finally time for a Beths hot top tit: If ye are cold and
shivering and suffering from the winter cold locate a menopausal woman and go
and sit with her all day. I promise ye will be warms as toasties. Failing that
give thee self a blow job with yer hairdresser. I mean Hairdryer- hairdryer
thats what I means..............
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