Nipples, Sunshine and Goolies

A Week in Beth's Life................

A mixture of sunshine and showers popping up and the winds blowing a goolie or two.

 Friday - Ah had a nice shower today. Couldn't yesterday because mines Mr Husband came home from nights and sneaked in my bed and fell asleep. 'Why couldn't ye shower Beth?'  I hear ye ask. I will tell ye. Cos the shower is in the endsweethingymajig in my bedroom. I didn't want to disturb mines Mr Husband. Ye knows the saying 'let sleeping and snoring dinosaurs lay'. And he be a grumpy fecker after nights when disturbed. So in me nuddy pants with me towel in hand I went and asked the ironing board shaped person next door if I could borrow her shower. 'Feck off ye weird little naked person' she said. Personally I don't like her attitude. The family size gateaux shaped one from across the road (her with the integrated bike rack- I seen it when she bent down to tend to her tulips) she ignored me. Actually she probably couldn't see me stood behind her. The night nurse was asleep. The skinny bitch had gone jogging. So I had to come home and shower in the front garden with the hose, the fairy liquid and the loo brush. The things a gal has to do so her husband can sleep!!

Tis a good job I got a grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on National TV) because today we have to endure rain popping up. Has to hold my brolly in a very unusual place.

Tuesday: I graced the doctor with my presence yesterday. They must have prepared for my arrival. They have put in a little table and little chairs for short ass peoples. I climbed upon the big chair though because I was feeling brave. They have also removed the menus off the table- last time I was there I ordered three nicotine patches and couple of flu jabs to take out. Also they have removed the fish tank from where I usually sit. I think they done this to stop me poking the fish. The boy with the acne came in again. Well it might have been a different one. 'I see you still having a spot of trouble' I said, winking knowingly. His mother gave me a Paddington Hard Stare. Two women was yakkety yakking so much I couldn't get a word in edgeways. And I tried. (Always trying to make new friends me). So I swapped the babies over in their buggies. Somebody had a nice surprise when they got home. Yay -New Toys!! The Nurse come out and called Mrs Husband. Yep- that's right- Mrs Husband. Not mines Mr Husband. He was home in bed. But Mrs Husband (I thought surely not. That should be Mrs Wife). T'was  not mines Mr Husband, T'was nowt do with me. I think she must be in one of thems new fangled relationships. She was reading a book. I kid ye not she didn't get up and go. Just like a Husband she ignored the Nurse. The Nurse walked away. A few minutes later she returned. She called Mrs Husband again- only louder and with more authority and hint of annoyance if ye asks me. This time Mrs Husband got up and shut her book and she said 'I was just finishing my chapter'. Cheeky Mare. 'How rude -hold the rest of us why don't ye?', I said sticking me foot out in front of her so she tripped and peed her pants a little. That's also what happens to me when I trips a bit. I know, even with mines grip like a bulldog clip. Mines bladder is shot it.  Anyways I sees Dr Angry Jones. 'I am truly, truly in agony with mines back- it hurts to breathe' I tells her. 'Take painkillers' she said 'Take codeine- I can't see where the pain is'. I kid ye not I despair- I really do. I have no idea why I never thought of painkillers for pain. So I did take Codeine. Mainly because I am obedient and partly because I am in pain and now in despair. Packed with codeine  I am now like a wind tunnel. Mines Mr Husband (not to be confused with Mrs Husband- who is nothing to do with me)- came in from his night shift this morning only to be blown across the landing and is lying unconscious in his own room. I am still in pain!!

Sunday : I asked Mines Mr Husband when the internet racketeering was going to make us millionaires cos I have a few things on a shopping list that I would like- a yacht (I have already picked out the mooring up the muff), a holiday day villa, (or two), a Red Ferrari, a cake shop and some false eyelashes. You know the kinda things a girl needs. I pointed out he been doing this for mankywankydonkey years now and we still haven't gotten rich. He said he needs to attract an audience. I said 'well why didn't say ye eejit?'. Jeez- I am well good at that. I can help ye with that so I can. I tells him all ye needs to do is go up the shopping place and get naked and sing wrecking ball well whipping yer nae nae. It always attracts crowds, especially lots of people in uniforms who takes ye photograph-(I do like a uniform and a selfie). But then he said 'they are policemans- the ones in the blue uniforms and then they always arrest you and then you need bail money don't you little pickled pumpkin? And they are not selfies- they are mug shots'. So I am guessing that he won't be taking that idea up. Ye see I tries to help but he don't listen!

And one day it was National No Housework Day. Sorry Have I left it too late tell ye?  It will come round again- next year. Well I knew early that morning but I had been fantasizing about cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom for days. I don't go big on Housework- not that my house is dirty ye understand. Tis new and easy to keep clean is the skinny bitch house. Also I don't go big on conforming to National Days. Well except National Chocolate Cake Day. Or National Orgasm Day (although it has been known to come early and I have missed it cos I wasn't ready). I do observe National No Knickers day and National No bra day and National Sausage Day (as long as tis a good quality sausage). So I have been gave the skinny bitch kitchen the clean of its life. Tis been hard on me dodgy hip but hooray for me- even the toaster got cleared out of its wildlife. Spiders, woodlice and flies and such like things. Mines Mr Husband isn't happy- he likes the chewy bits. Adds texture to his toast. Well, I have to tell ye whilst I was cleaning the kitchen mines Mr Husband came over all amorous. Why? Why the Feck why? I wasn't even in the maids outfit. No- just me apron. Not like I was completely naked to the housework. If ye are wondering why do the housework naked it's so much easier  but ye must wear an apron to protect ye nipples from door catches and bleach. Last time on National No Housework day I didn't wear the apron and had to dial 999 to get me nipples freed from the toaster. Perhaps t'was just sight of me in just me apron with the jif in me hand or maybe he thought distraction would save me nipples from the toaster.  'Feck off', I says to him 'ye have all the other days and times, why today?' He looked sad and put his head down and done the puppy dog eyes thing then the cheeky fecker pinched one of me chocolate biscuits, ate it whole and went off to file his feet. Ye gods I was exhausted - I don't like this National No Housework day. They can stuff it where the sun don't shine next year.

As well as having a special tray under the seat to hide cakes and Scooby snacks my pea has a five whatsitdoodah for playing Elvis Cds. I have filled this with Elvis Cds. I find this very handy because now I can take Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the road. On days when I think the neighbourhood needs cheering up (and days when they don't even) I am going to drive around the streets and introduce them to Sing-along with Beth and Elvis Mobile! I may even get a mention in the local paper- who knows. The Pea hosting 'Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the go' could be coming to a street near you!!

Beth's top tip of the week :

Horseradish is good for clearing the sinus. Sat here with horseradish stuck up nose- must say it doesn't feel like its helping!

Notes to Self:

When Mr Husband appears to be having epileptic fit check to see if he just has an itch that he can't reach before dialling 999. Makes ye look silly otherwise- doesn't it???