Have Summer Somehere Else! Please!!

Well I have done tips for loneliness and rules for mines Mr Husbands playground (or work place as he likes to call it), now its time for one for mines neighbours. Tis this:

Now the summer is here neighbours please remember you are NOT the only ones who live here so please be considerate and have summer somewhere else!

If you simply think you cannot- think again- nothing is impossible with a little effort. When you are here please:

DO NOT leave your darling mutts out in the heat all day and all evening and all night to whine and whine and bark and bark. Every fecker and his fanny on this estate has a mutt- its like living in the middle of a large kennels. I love mutts the same as the next man but I hate to wake up and go to sleep to their barking and whining. Stop yelling at it to shut up and do something with it. Take it inside in the cool. Give it a drink. Take it for a walk. Don't torment it. And when you take it for a walk- keep it off the grass. As if having it barking all day isn't enough you don't need it high as well. And don't let it shit on our gardens.

DO NOT let your kids out to play if they are going to scream and yell and shout; kick a ball at a wall for hours on end (This is not playing- this is boredom only with a ball!) Keep the little shites inside and give them a games machine and some junk food. Keep the little feckers fat and quiet. Children should be seen and not heard!

DO NOT smoke us all out with your never ending acrid barbecue shit. Don't ye know that burned food is full of carcigens  and they can kill you. Disgusting way to treat your neighbours. And no I don't want to be invited. I am fussy what goes in my mouth. I like a good quality bit of sausage, tenderly cared for! I also like my freshly done washing to stay that way. Take your barbecues and shove them where the sun DON'T shine.

DO NOT Show us your Pussies. Please keep your pussies out of sight of my water gun and don't think if they come and do their stuff in my flower pots I won't spray the little feckers cos I will. I have already got half the pussies round here licked now.

 DO NOT Ignore your bushes. Please trim and prune your bushes regularly. No one wants to look out of the window and see unruly bushes through their long lens. No siree.

DO NOT frequent places I am trying to escape to from you. Please don't go to the country park when I am there trying to observe and photograph nature. Ye all makes a noise and tis quite unnecessary. The rest of us go to enjoy the peace and quiet. Ye can have a good time at the park without shouting at each other or letting the rest of the world know that you are ON YOUR MOBILE. We don't care about your auntie Ivy and her never ending incontinence or Uncle Fred's boil on his bum or your indeed your latest bedroom conquest. We don't honest. We want tranquillity. If you are going to the park- leave the feckin phone at home!! It won't kill you.

DO NOT cut the grass every five minutes unless you are male, hot, hunky and gorgeous- then please go ahead but remember to strip first!

DO NOT get my dander up. You won't like me when I am angry. I shall set mines little sisters on you. Truth.

Please enjoy your summer- but do it somewhere else.!

Cockchafers, Cockahoops and Cock Muppets

This Week at the Crazy House:

Excited muchly as this week was our Spring holiday. Mr Husband has taken me here, there and everywhere. He will take me feckin anywhere. He has no shame that man. We went to Brixham in the pea- only one day. I think mines Mr Husband couldn't stand the Beth and Elvis sing-a-long all the week. I did notice on the sticky thing on the steering wheel, you know the one that tells people if we are going left or right, or if we are going to clean the windows etc, mines Mr Husband has found it turns Elvis down. He so didn't account for me to continue Beth and Elvis sing-a-long without Elvis. The rest of the week we went out in his Jag. Mines Mr Husbands Jag- not Elvis's. Elvis wouldn't let us. So this was the week:

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband was sleeping face down when I went in this morning to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep or anything. I noticed his bum had a crack in it. All mended now with gorilla glue.

Well Mr Husband has found out about Gorilla Glue Gate- He has read my facebook status. Not happy. 'Stop playing with ye bum ye dirty fecker', I said. 'Go wash ye hands'. Now he is going a funny purple colour. I hope he don't explode. I have cleaned up this morning!

Having a Beth and Elvis Sunday Special Sing-a-long. Ye probably think I am obsessed with Elvis. Yesterday I did Beth and Ronan Keating Sing-a-long, and sometimes I do Roy Orbison or Robbie Williams. Mines Mr Husband is going to know Elvis songs inside out be the time we get to top of Scotland and back in a few weeks time. He, (MMH- not Elvis) is sat on sofa as we speak with a face like a constipated prune and very much the same colour as well, wriggling from side to side, huffing and puffing trying to dislodge the Gorilla Glue. He is googling 'how to remove gorilla glue from cracks' and other such stuff. He will be lucky- I used the whole tube!

Monday: Day one of our Spring Holiday Well Beth, Elvis and the pea took to the road for a singalong to Steve and his ear drums. He drived us. He took me to Brixham to Bury a Head but I didn't see him Bury a Head but we did go up a cliff. Tis Ok- I didn't climb it up the side or anything. Although I didn't see him with me all the time, so who knows. He bit sulky today- he walking a tad funny- re; the gorilla glue in the crack. Anyways Some tit told me there was dolphins in the Brixham harbour so we dashed down there. Not a feckin sausage! Anyways did get pictures of a seal having lunch. T'was a fine display. Tomorrow we are going on a nature trail. Mines Mr Husband is looking out for a cockchafer. We have one at home I am sure somewhere but no- he wants to find one on the nature trail. Him and his nature trails.

Tuesday  - morning ; Today guys Mines Mr Husband wants to take me on a nature trail (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame I tell ye). Do ye know why he wants to take me on a nature trail? To look for a cockchafer nonetheless. Well I am expecting it to be in the bush somewhere. I thought mines little sister said she had one of these in her bedroom - but I suspect she bought hers from Anne Summers. Anyways If I find one I will send you photographs.
P.S. I think Mines Mr Husband may be planning on us going in the jag- it doesn't have a five cd thingy to listen to Elvis- however I have a plan and some solo beats!!!

Tuesday- Evening: Ye are all wondering how the search went for the cockchafer I bet. Well I tell ye- Mines Mr Husband wanted to take me on a nature trail but I wanted to go and see the dolphins. So back to Brixham we went. Not a feckin Dolphin in site. Even the seal told us to feck off – he did his party trick yesterday. Then we went up to Torquay. I saw a family size gateaux from Iceland shaped person sat on three seats. I said 'lets talk about your cake intake me dear'. That's when the fight broke out. Mines Mr Husband said that it was clearly my fault for taking the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped persons cake out of her hand. I was only trying to help her. Ye gods ye gets no fanks for nuffin these days. We sat next to an old man who, when he got up, farted so loud and so triumphantly that he killed three seagulls on the seawall outright and a poor old dear on a mobility scooter keeled over. 'Tis the Germans', she shouted, 'tis chemical warfare', she cried. I picked her back and told her 'tis alright me ol' babbers- T'was just an ill wind from that ol' gits arse'. Also got involved in a drive by shooting. I shot the entertainment at a local pub because he sounded like he was having his pubic hairs on his nether regions plucked one by one. Anyways Mines Mr Husband says drive by shootings don't count with a water pistol and a banana. I wanted to go to the ByGones museum but we was already GoneBy it when I noticed it. And ye are all waiting to know if we found the Cockchafer. We did. Well I see It. Sat outside the same pub we had our dinner- there for everyone to see, wearing the teeniest tiniest shorts ever and legs a kimbo- proudly presented to all and sundry. I am glad Mines Mr Husband had his back to it. I never told him I could see it. I am his wife and I have to protect his heart and his blood pressure. Anyway T'was not a pretty site and I nearly choked on me chips. I tried to take a picture of it for ye all cos I promised. But we got frowed out and they called me a pervert. We having a quiet day tomorrow- Mr Husband got sunburnt on his face and on his bald patch and now he looks like a giant tomato. He needs to sit in the fridge now.

Wednesday: Today was shopping day- or as I call it- Naked Tesco Twerking day. Spent all day yesterday looking for the cockchafer. Spent all day today avoiding cock muppets. Now mines Mr Husband wants sex in a lay-by at teatime. He said he wants cockavan for tea. I presume he will be happy with sex in the jag cos we don't have a van.
Thursday: Staying with the cock theme today. I am cock-a-hoop. Seems like Johnny Depp is back on the market. Yay- I am in with a chance again! Must surely be my turn be now. Also today- Mines Mr Husband has been eager for me to try my mobility scooter out- so this was what we did tonight. I didn't want to make a showy display- I wanted to be inconspicuous- so I went naked. Nobody noticed. However I was worried about me nipples catching in the wheels. At first I was afraid, I was petrified! But T'was OK. I had hubby by my side. Once I got the hang of it he was running to keep up with me. I think I may do this everyday now- he will be slim and fit in no time!! A Beth Top Tit for all mobility scooter users: Stay off the paths and the roads- you can have sooooo much more fun off road and through the parks. Gave a few dog walkers a run for thems money tonight so I did!!! Got a get Mines Mr Husband Stiff now. Stiff drink that it is. One rooiboos tea coming up!!

Friday: Boiling water poured on Gorilla Glue don't shift it- so it seems!! I can thoroughly recommend Gorilla Glue. Be warned if used to mend cracks can turn ye husband blue!

Party the Naked Way

Yesterday we went past the old house. I see her at number 3 was having a party- music and lights and everything. STOP- I shouted to mines Mr Husband. He always get a tad tetchy with me when I doos that. Miserable fecker. Anyways I stripped off, got me party hat and me party poppers outta me bag (always prepared for anything like a good boy scout) and went to her at number 3's party. Tis not rude to go to her party naked before you say anything. She likes it. I once caught her looking at me whilst I was flashing mines boobies at my husband. She was peering right through my bush she was. Anyways I rocked up yesterday squirting crazy string and blowing me party doofer. She didn't seem that pleased to see me I thought. How rude. I asked for cake- and she said they didn't have any. I said 'just a smidgeon and I will be happy'. Anyways after much ado she came back and handed me a dead pigeon. Silly deaf fecker. Anyways it didn't go to waste. I have saved it for Fathers day for mines Mr Husband. It will the only present he gets. He will be glad of it. Mines Mr Husband dragged me back out by me pony tail and said 'Ye are too quick to jump in at parties. Naked as well'. He gave me a right ol telling off. Well how the feck was I too know it wasn't a party. How the feck was I to know her husband was having a heart attack and the music and the flashing lights was the paramedics. You lives and learns you do.

Knickers, Lasers and Tinnytitsups.

Its looking good as mines Mr Husband plots our (that's him, me and Elvis) months long road to tour the coasts of Britain right up one side to the tip of  Scotland back down the other side to wherever we feel like going- if we feel like coming back of course!! I am planning on how many pairs of knickers I will need (this won't take much planning), how many bath mats and ornaments I shall need. I have worked how many Elvis Cds I shall need- loads cos it be a very long way! Shame we can't go in the pea- it has a hidden tray for cakes and Scooby snacks and fandabbydoozy cd player that plays Elvis Cds one straight after the other.  I am only worried about having to sleep with him As ye all know we sleeps separate for the sake of elf and safety- HIS. He has tinnytitsups in his lugholes and tis very loud.  This is not the same as 'tit in a tin' that me muvver used to give us for tea every Wednesday. No this loud ringing and in his lugholes like I said. I can even hear it in my room and that across the landing and through two closed doors!! If ye lives near enuff to the edge of the world we could be coming very close to a drive near you for a cuppa jollop and a gossip!! (Oh and a photograph or two!!).

I am thinking today of getting some little halogen bulbs fitted to mines boobies. This will help me see things better-like mines feet for instance and where I am putting them on a dark wet night. Or day even. Mines Mr Husband says 'go for laser beams pickle- they are all the rage'. But alas I fear this will be too dangerous as I hear they could bring an aircraft out of the sky. I do listen to the news you know!! Mines Mr Husband said 'no little pickle, your boobies will never point in the direction of the sky again'.  Not sure I like his attitude.

I think someone has been adding miracle grow to my bush- it has grown very thick and fast all of a sudden. Drastic trimming in order I think or I won't be able to get through the front door!

I have been watching GP thingy program. Getting a few ideas for next time I visit mine.  I never know what to go with. So far got hand, foot and mouth, get ears syringed, see if I have sprained an ankle or two and make note to get prostate checked! Also check to see why I can't get pregnant. Although mines Mr Husband says that all they will tell me there is that the hysterectomy I had five years ago is thing that complicates this issue. Never fear I will keep trying. I don't give up easy- no siree!!

I was excited in the week when Mines Mr Husband said he ordered me a harness. It came today. I think its a bit too small. And white- Who orders white for a woman of my age?? Anyways he insists that it is meant to have long sleeves and they are meant to do up wound the back. All I can say is that tis a good job that I don't wear knickers- there would be times throughout the day when I would struggle with getting them down.

We had a nice trip to see mines muvver and mines favver in the week. Mines Muvver invited mines Mr Husband to go to the garden and see her tulips. Her tits haven't made an appearance yet this year.  I think tis cos its a bit on the chilly side. Anyways we got some nice photos of her tulips. Worth the visit said mines Mr Husband. Think he is looking forward to his next visit. He never knows what he will be showed.

Cockles, Knickers and Goolies

Did you wake up a miserable fecker today? Or did you let him sleep? I am letting mine sleep. (Sulking I bet cos FLUF (fat little ugly fecker who steals promotions) is still there!!! If yer the miserable fecker take a look in the mirror at yerself. What is it that is getting on yer nerves today? Does the way your mother put yer hat rankle with thee. Is it perched like a cockle on a rock on top of yer head? Or did yer part yer hair in the wrong place today? Look up- I am talkin about yer hair on yer head- not yer legs. Or is that yer one of yer eyebrows off by mistake when yer cuts yer fringe (Or is that just me??). Stop- check- is yer knickers on back to front or inside out, or yer socks on the wrong feet? Tis all things that can cause a soul misery. Have yer just noticed the cat in the kitchen yer been talking to all morning is just yer handbag (No?- just me again then!). Well whatever tis, tis a beautiful sunny day and if yer have a touch of the piftics today get yer self out in that there sunshine. Take yer cat and yer handbag and yer sun cream and Uncle Tom Cobleys hole and enjoy the sunshine- for next week it be sure to be freezing yer arse off and blowing a goolie again.

May Poles, Nudity and Goolies

May Day for dancing round Maypoles naked. Don't have one, so going to hang stuff on the whirlygig thingamajig in the garden and dance naked round that instead.

'After we have danced round the maypole - erm washing line whirlygig thingmajig, naked what shall we do on this cold, wet, windy day my little fruit cake?' mines Mr Husband said. I was just excited at the word cake. So I bought one. 'Lets run naked along the sea wall in Exmuff' I said- he knows I loves to do this. 'Erm- lets not' he said. 'It be far too chilly for that- tis a bit nipply noodles out and it be blowing a goolie or two'. Anyways I persuaded him to take me up the Muff just the same and up the Oracle. He has no shame - he will take me anywhere that man. I ran naked along the cliff tops sending all kinds of peoples and pets into frenzies and one or two got black eyes. Tis very busy up there on a Bank Holiday. Couple of cows looked a bit surprised as well. Anyways I had a roll round in the grass to get some perfect cliff top pictures and now I have grass stains in places I can't be showing me mother. Mines Mr Husband went dressed for hiking up a snowy mountain in the arctic. He was still shivering. It be because he very old and I forgot to take his tarten blankie. Poor Soul. I had to bring him home and thaw him out. He be having a nice warm on the sofa with a cup of something to warm his cockles. I be fine I be. I do like to feel the wind racing through me hair. Me own fault I forgot to shave. Try to remember next time.

Boobies, Buckets and Bloomers

In the week my cousin Kerry told me you can go into a shop and get your boobies measured. I thought I would give this idea a whirl. Like to live life on the edge so I do. Anyways first up I tried Tesco. So Now I am on my final warning from there. Apparently going up to any member of staff in there and booby jiggling whilst saying 'measure these for me mate' is deemed anti-social behaviour. Then I tried Spec savers. They used to measure things with ruler thingys. Now its all done with an I-pad thingy. Well they take photographs. The man was quite obliging but personally I think he was a pre-vert and he said I need new glasses. Big ones. Move over Deirdre Barlow. Then I went in the shoe shop. They also have a measuring device but it stays on the floor. I have never been so uncomfortable as I was getting my boobies in that contraption. Not even when I had my mammuff gram with 'Hi, I am Alison, I am your receptionist/radiographer'. Anyway they said I had one size 9 and one 7.5. Oh and I think they thought I wanted to buy new boots. Nut jobs in there I tell ye. Talking of Boots- they don't do measuring but they did give me some extra large corn rings for mines nipples (thank you to Andrea for giving me that top tip for Beth's top nipple tips folder- seems its a Boots favourite). B&Q offered me a couple of large orange buckets. The Toy Cupboard offered me a couple of large swimming rings. Finally I stopped off at Greggs (any excuse)- and they said I would need considerably large buns which they had sold out off but offered me a couple of round cottage loafs and a couple of bloomers. Also did you know if you want to get your boobies measured you don't need to go naked. Just a top tip for ye all there- don't want ye to get caught out like what I did.

Also this week we had an adventure or two. After our last adventure using the sat nav thingy Mines Mr Husband and she fell out- BIG TIME! She wanted him to turn left. He didn't like the look of the road so he refused. She re-calculated and found him another road and he didn't much like the look of that either. In the end they argued so much so that I intervened (although I don't usually like getting in the middle of other peoples arguments) and I switched her off and put her in a box. That's where she stayed until this week. Mr Husband decided to give her another chance but she was fecking sulking and didn't want to talk - she only told him when to turn after he turned. He was livid. Then the arguing started. He called her a silly cow. She called him a dick head. I called her a silly cow. She was shocked- cos like I said I don't usually interfere. Anyway its official. They are divorcing. She is divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and he is divorcing her on grounds of her constant nagging and sulking. I just hope he gets to keep the jag- I like the jag!!

Finally this week on one of the magazine programs this week they asked if you would bury a loved one in the garden. I owned up. Apparently though they have to be deaded. I tried to bury mines Mr Husband once or twice, (or it may have been three times, I forget) in the garden. He was furious. He calls it attempted murder. I calls it forward planning. He can be so fecking picky at times. On a totally different note I need some help to build a patio.

Nipples, Sunshine and Goolies

A Week in Beth's Life................

A mixture of sunshine and showers popping up and the winds blowing a goolie or two.

 Friday - Ah had a nice shower today. Couldn't yesterday because mines Mr Husband came home from nights and sneaked in my bed and fell asleep. 'Why couldn't ye shower Beth?'  I hear ye ask. I will tell ye. Cos the shower is in the endsweethingymajig in my bedroom. I didn't want to disturb mines Mr Husband. Ye knows the saying 'let sleeping and snoring dinosaurs lay'. And he be a grumpy fecker after nights when disturbed. So in me nuddy pants with me towel in hand I went and asked the ironing board shaped person next door if I could borrow her shower. 'Feck off ye weird little naked person' she said. Personally I don't like her attitude. The family size gateaux shaped one from across the road (her with the integrated bike rack- I seen it when she bent down to tend to her tulips) she ignored me. Actually she probably couldn't see me stood behind her. The night nurse was asleep. The skinny bitch had gone jogging. So I had to come home and shower in the front garden with the hose, the fairy liquid and the loo brush. The things a gal has to do so her husband can sleep!!

Tis a good job I got a grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on National TV) because today we have to endure rain popping up. Has to hold my brolly in a very unusual place.

Tuesday: I graced the doctor with my presence yesterday. They must have prepared for my arrival. They have put in a little table and little chairs for short ass peoples. I climbed upon the big chair though because I was feeling brave. They have also removed the menus off the table- last time I was there I ordered three nicotine patches and couple of flu jabs to take out. Also they have removed the fish tank from where I usually sit. I think they done this to stop me poking the fish. The boy with the acne came in again. Well it might have been a different one. 'I see you still having a spot of trouble' I said, winking knowingly. His mother gave me a Paddington Hard Stare. Two women was yakkety yakking so much I couldn't get a word in edgeways. And I tried. (Always trying to make new friends me). So I swapped the babies over in their buggies. Somebody had a nice surprise when they got home. Yay -New Toys!! The Nurse come out and called Mrs Husband. Yep- that's right- Mrs Husband. Not mines Mr Husband. He was home in bed. But Mrs Husband (I thought surely not. That should be Mrs Wife). T'was  not mines Mr Husband, T'was nowt do with me. I think she must be in one of thems new fangled relationships. She was reading a book. I kid ye not she didn't get up and go. Just like a Husband she ignored the Nurse. The Nurse walked away. A few minutes later she returned. She called Mrs Husband again- only louder and with more authority and hint of annoyance if ye asks me. This time Mrs Husband got up and shut her book and she said 'I was just finishing my chapter'. Cheeky Mare. 'How rude -hold the rest of us why don't ye?', I said sticking me foot out in front of her so she tripped and peed her pants a little. That's also what happens to me when I trips a bit. I know, even with mines grip like a bulldog clip. Mines bladder is shot it.  Anyways I sees Dr Angry Jones. 'I am truly, truly in agony with mines back- it hurts to breathe' I tells her. 'Take painkillers' she said 'Take codeine- I can't see where the pain is'. I kid ye not I despair- I really do. I have no idea why I never thought of painkillers for pain. So I did take Codeine. Mainly because I am obedient and partly because I am in pain and now in despair. Packed with codeine  I am now like a wind tunnel. Mines Mr Husband (not to be confused with Mrs Husband- who is nothing to do with me)- came in from his night shift this morning only to be blown across the landing and is lying unconscious in his own room. I am still in pain!!

Sunday : I asked Mines Mr Husband when the internet racketeering was going to make us millionaires cos I have a few things on a shopping list that I would like- a yacht (I have already picked out the mooring up the muff), a holiday day villa, (or two), a Red Ferrari, a cake shop and some false eyelashes. You know the kinda things a girl needs. I pointed out he been doing this for mankywankydonkey years now and we still haven't gotten rich. He said he needs to attract an audience. I said 'well why didn't say ye eejit?'. Jeez- I am well good at that. I can help ye with that so I can. I tells him all ye needs to do is go up the shopping place and get naked and sing wrecking ball well whipping yer nae nae. It always attracts crowds, especially lots of people in uniforms who takes ye photograph-(I do like a uniform and a selfie). But then he said 'they are policemans- the ones in the blue uniforms and then they always arrest you and then you need bail money don't you little pickled pumpkin? And they are not selfies- they are mug shots'. So I am guessing that he won't be taking that idea up. Ye see I tries to help but he don't listen!

And one day it was National No Housework Day. Sorry Have I left it too late tell ye?  It will come round again- next year. Well I knew early that morning but I had been fantasizing about cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom for days. I don't go big on Housework- not that my house is dirty ye understand. Tis new and easy to keep clean is the skinny bitch house. Also I don't go big on conforming to National Days. Well except National Chocolate Cake Day. Or National Orgasm Day (although it has been known to come early and I have missed it cos I wasn't ready). I do observe National No Knickers day and National No bra day and National Sausage Day (as long as tis a good quality sausage). So I have been gave the skinny bitch kitchen the clean of its life. Tis been hard on me dodgy hip but hooray for me- even the toaster got cleared out of its wildlife. Spiders, woodlice and flies and such like things. Mines Mr Husband isn't happy- he likes the chewy bits. Adds texture to his toast. Well, I have to tell ye whilst I was cleaning the kitchen mines Mr Husband came over all amorous. Why? Why the Feck why? I wasn't even in the maids outfit. No- just me apron. Not like I was completely naked to the housework. If ye are wondering why do the housework naked it's so much easier  but ye must wear an apron to protect ye nipples from door catches and bleach. Last time on National No Housework day I didn't wear the apron and had to dial 999 to get me nipples freed from the toaster. Perhaps t'was just sight of me in just me apron with the jif in me hand or maybe he thought distraction would save me nipples from the toaster.  'Feck off', I says to him 'ye have all the other days and times, why today?' He looked sad and put his head down and done the puppy dog eyes thing then the cheeky fecker pinched one of me chocolate biscuits, ate it whole and went off to file his feet. Ye gods I was exhausted - I don't like this National No Housework day. They can stuff it where the sun don't shine next year.

As well as having a special tray under the seat to hide cakes and Scooby snacks my pea has a five whatsitdoodah for playing Elvis Cds. I have filled this with Elvis Cds. I find this very handy because now I can take Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the road. On days when I think the neighbourhood needs cheering up (and days when they don't even) I am going to drive around the streets and introduce them to Sing-along with Beth and Elvis Mobile! I may even get a mention in the local paper- who knows. The Pea hosting 'Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the go' could be coming to a street near you!!

Beth's top tip of the week :

Horseradish is good for clearing the sinus. Sat here with horseradish stuck up nose- must say it doesn't feel like its helping!

Notes to Self:

When Mr Husband appears to be having epileptic fit check to see if he just has an itch that he can't reach before dialling 999. Makes ye look silly otherwise- doesn't it???

Getting a Grip, Large Willies and Going Metric

I love my Samsung phone ye know. 'Why do ye love yer Samsung phone Beth?' I hear ye cry. Well I tell ye. It's because of the scheduling text thingymajig. Yesterday I was able to schedule a text and send it to myself to receive at 7am this morning. I won't be doing that time again- I was still asleep and fecking woke meself up!! On the plus side I wished meself a Happy Birfday. I know the brighter ones among you will be saying 'Your birfday is surely in September Beth'. Well, the official one is I know- according to mines mother (who reckons she was there when I was born) and the birf certificate I have. But I like to have two birfdays. So I am celebrating my 22 1/2 with 30 years and 2weeks experience birfday today. I am looking forward to cake. On the downside mines Mr Husband forgot it was mines other birfday and he hasn't bought me anyfink. Good job I still got some of the icing left he bought me for last years birfday!

I have been pondering what asshole put the two words 'fun and run' together. What is fun about it exactly? I didn't think the 40 mile fun run I did with mines Mr Husband (whilst he was dressed as superman) was much fun in my sleep last night- I have very feckin sore hips this morning.

Also I ask mines Mr Husband if we leave the Eurothingymagjig will we be able to go back to feets and inches? I have never been happy with the new metric doodah not since 1971 when they changed it. Mines Mr Husband pointed out that I was only 8 at the time and I should be used to it by now. Why? Why should I? A girl knows where she is with 8 inches. I argued with him (and a very valid point if ye ask me)- who ever says ' look at that 2km of willy'. He says 'nobody because that 2km is = to 3miles (I told ye ye learns someat new everyday- who knew? )and furthermore, not only but also, who would want one that big?'. I says 'my sister probably wouldn't mind giving it a bash. She is game for anything'. Anyway he says its time I got to grips with it. I tell ye I am grappling with it- he be a bit annoyed cos he wants to get dressed- I wish he would make his feckin mind up- either he wants me to get to grips with it or he don't.

Muff Buff, Piles and Moles

Uh oh. Big Pearl hears about Dirtie Gerties singed Minge. She was disgusted. Anyways she says to me 'since the muff buff I discovered I have a mole down there'- she whispered this bit. Oooo-er missus. She wanted me to have a look!! I am not a mole expert. Anyways I had a quick look- not that I intent to make a habit of it ye understand looking at muffs moles. Turns out it weren't a mole at all. Was a Hamster! Think she sat on it again! #awkward.

On the plus side today I am taking the risk of losing my parking space and taking the pea for a run to spend times with mines little sister- (the one with the issues and the day confusion, accidental blue hair and the constipation and part time camel toe - by her own admission- I won't mention her piles cos she is sensitive about it).

Vajazzle, Singed Minge and Soap

Mines Mr Husband was upstairs at the window. No don't get all excited. He wasn't cleaning or flashing. He don't do cleaning windows if he can help it. Its against his religion. He don't go much in for flashing either. Anyways he was stood there and he shouts down 'Oh gawd, here comes thunder thighs, walking like she has lost her hoss'. 'Who you talking about?' I said. 'Dirtie Gertie, yer mate with the vajazzle'.  Remember I told you we went to the nail bar and she had a vajazzle done? Well turns out she got an infection. I had to take her back to the nail bar. I said 'we will get a taxi cos I don't be wanting you sitting in my car with an infection like that with no knickers on and I bet you ain't had a shower in a fortnight- ye be a dirty fecker'. She don't like water. Or soap. I kid ye not they had not seen an infection like it. I told her 'ye should have just had the muff buffed mate'. She can't walk at all now. They had to take the blow torch to it and now Dirtie Gertie got a singed minge. Won't be just her face she won't be able to show in there again I tell ye!

Lost, Oddballs and Crablegs

I bet ye all wondering 'where is Bulldog clip Beth' (as seen on national tv) ? Well I will tell ye. I got a little green car now called 'The Pea' . I had a little trip out in the pea. I call it the pea cos when it be parked over road between the 4year old white van man and the 5year old white van man (he must be older cos he got a bigger van) my little car looks like a little pea in a sandwich. Anyways I went to seaside in Pea. I was worried in case I couldn't find my way home again. Mines Mr Husband said 'just ask someone pickle for directions home'. So I had a nice day walking along the beachy thingy and chatting to seagulls and oddballs. Collected a few shells, a pebble or two and a crabs leg. Then it was time to come home. I looked around the car park for someone to ask directions. I found an old person and his wife. I thought 'I bet he been about a bit, round the block a few times, so I will ask him'. So I went up to him and asked three times no less cos as it turned out his hearing aid was turned off 'do ye know the way home??' He said he did. So I said 'I will follow you then'. He nodded. So that it is what I did. I didn't think mines Mr Husbands suggestion would work but here I be. I followed the old person home. I must say tis good of them to make me a cucumber sandwich and a cuppa tea. And if you ask me there decor needs a bit of titivating- its a bit old peopleish. And if I am completely honest smells a bit of wee. They need ones of thems apricot and champagne flavour candles. But mines Mr Husband wouldn't let me buy one because he says it left my lips with a waxy feel.  Anyways I have no feckin idea how to get to mines skinny bitch house from here- I hope mines Mr Husband has managed to find something for his tea!!

Bum Feeling, Piri Piri Rubbing and Small Balls

Are ye all ready for a week at Beth's again?? Brace yourself Sheila as they say in outback.

Sunday : Mines Mr Husband took me in the Co-op- t'was an experience for me I tell ye and a new experience for them. Then he took me in the Country Park at bottom of our road. 'Ye don't have to lower ye voice and go down on all fours when we are in the county park just to photograph a plastic bag' said Mines Mr husband. 'It can hear or see ye and it won't run away'. (Well how does he know what I am down on all fours for??) Anyways like I says to him- 'If I don't do that and get the feckin photograph how the feck do I know its a plastic bag??' Duh. Anyways this plastic bag is quite nice- it even got eyes and a beak.

Monday: Mine's Mr Husband was bemoaning the fact it's steak and BJ day and he has had neither. 'Feckin stop yer moaning' I tells him. 'Ye had beef Bolognese for ye tea and if ye want the other I have left hair dryer plugged in on your side of the bed'. He gone to his own room whining now. Told him not to put hair dryer on hottest setting. Numpty.

Tuesday :'Get ready to go to the hospital please pumpkin' asked Mines Mr Husband today. 'I am ready' I told him. He said 'No, get dressed- I told ye before Dr wants to look at ye lump in yer neck'. I still protested. 'Tis nipply noodles out there, get dressed', he said all masterfully. Well how could I not resist. Tis true I need to keep mines extremities warm because I have thyroid thingy. So I am ready to go- I have four items of clothing - Slippers, Mittens, Nipple tassles and me bobble hat. Mines Mr Husband is sighing and tutting. But I won't be swayed- tis what I am wearing today!

When we done the hospital thing and after the nipple twirling and boobie jiggling the Dr decided it was just a naughty nymph node playing up we went to Dawlish to take photos of the baby cygnets. Mines Mr Husband took 300 and I only managed to get a few because I was hampered by a weird woman who wanted to give me her life story- from the school she attended first and then second to how she end up with Dippy Duncan and a sick parrot. Then without warning she thrust her backside sideways at me to tell me how hot her bum was. Well that was awkward! I didn't really know what the socially acceptable thing with other woman's bums being thrust in your face was. Did she want me to feel how hot it was?? What?? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Feel it? Just Rub it. I didn't know. So I slapped it and sent her on her way. She had already noted that Mines Mr Husband would probably have a good stack of photos. I said 'so the feck would I if I weren't been feckin pestered by a arse thrusting weirdo'.

Wednesday : Mines Mr Husband gave me a sachet of Piri Piri Rub. 'What this for?' I ask. 'Tis to rub on yer Piri Piri' he said. 'Mmm, Don't like the sound of that' I says, 'sounds foreign to me- ye best rub it on ye own Piri Piri'. He spent all evening in the bathroom with a bag of frozen blackberries on his Piri Piri.

Friday: I bet ye was all thinking 'Mad Beth with the grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on national TV) be quiet'. Well mines Mr Husband is on nights so I have to be quiet or else I shall waken him. Anyways he be awake now. I been out in kitchen making truffles. Was going ok until I got to the bit that says 'Roll mixture into small balls'. I had to look around for some small balls- luckily mines Mr Husband was just passing the kitchen, although I had to feckin chase him all over the feckin house. He havin a bath now and is a huffin and a puffin and furthermore, not only but also, we have no truffles!

And before ye say -'ye missed out Thursday', I did. Ye can't expect me to have fun everyday!!!

TIts, Boob jiggling, Bushes and Lunchboxes

Diary of another week at Beths.

Tuesday : Mine's Mr Husband and I opened Frank and had a discussion. He thinks it would be helpful if I had a little job to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, mine's Mr Husband not Frank. Who the feck is Frank anyway? Tomorrow I am off to building site at end of road to offer my services. Also I can work for them as an odd carrier. I can carry bricks on me mobility walker as long as they don't want me to walk the plank it will be ok.

Monday: Well ye all knows I be having trouble with me lump. I been to the Masochist- technical term Neck lump Doctor come radiowhatsit doctor. I stripped off soon as I got in the waiting room. There was poorly peoples laying in the corridors (on beds- we not that bad here yet!). I gave them all a little poke as I walked by. Lots of moans, squeals and a couple screams. The peoples on the beds did too. The old man in the wheelchair- never moved a muscle. Think he was dead. Edna in the wheelchair who has just had her 196th birthday didn't move much too. 'How do ye know Edna just had her 196th birthday?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. She had a party popper still in her mouth and was blowing on it. I took it out. I was fearful of her disturbing the sick. Anyways according to the doctor, and they usually know these things, t'was not a party popper. T'was her oxygen. After that I didn't hear make a sound but then she didn't have her hearing aids in either so I wouldn't have. Anyways the doctor  (the radiothingymajig doctor) asked me why I was stripped off. I said 'feel my lumps'. He said put your clothes on. He was a miserable fecker. Even jiggling the boobies didn't make him smile. Although he has agreed with me and mines husband and mines dentist and mines doctor tis a lump. Tis just a nymphnode he thinks. I put mines clothes back on when I came outside- t'was very nipply noodles out there.

Also on Wednesday I realised Ben Fogle- likes to spend time with people in far away hidden places. 'He can come and live with me in my far away hidden place anytime' I says to Mines Mr Husband. He said 'We don't live in a far away hidden place'. Like I tells him- 'then I will find somewhere, somewhere hot where Ben has to keep stripping- and whats all this 'WE' Mines Mr Husband? you not invited'. He gone to his shed now. Sad really cos he don't have a shed!

Thursday : Well ye all knows I get quite excited on National Sausage day (and I do like a good quality sausage!) but today is National Packed Lunch Day- (basically same as National Sausage Day in my book). So I am off out to assess Packed Lunches in and around Devon. I may have the urge to handle one or two so I could end up needing bail money- (aw come on guys- I haven't asked ye for any for ages because I have been kinda of quite well behaved). Roll on National Orgasm Day- it came too early for me to take part last year!

Well go me! I don't do driving much these days but if mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe - by her own admission) can, then I can do it too. Mines wonderful father bought me a little pea green car to get out and about. I loves it cos it got a tray under the seat to hide cake and scooby snacks. I be well made up. So I had a little trip to Ottery (mainly cos I knows me way back from there with a good degree of certaintity). I wanted the other traffic to be aware of me so I drove down the middle of the road. Few cars are ditched but hey ho- such is life. Mine is ok. I walked proudly round Ottery telling everyone 'I drove yer by meself- no help or nuffin'. I got three smiley good girl badges and a tube of smarties. I checked packed lunches (see early status- oh do keep up!!). I forget it was pension day and all they have are cocktail sausages (like the one mines other sister cooks) and shrivelled grapes. Then I spotted two work men. I thought brilliant- they always have good lunchboxes. They thought I wanted to get past. I said 'no, just checking your lunchboxes'. They seemed ok with it. Then I said I needed to have a closer inspection. You would think they understood all about close inspections. It threw them. So would like to apologise to the one that fell in the wheelie bin and the one the fell off the curb. Hope you feel better soon- and by the way- I should sue that driver of that white van- he oughta be more careful and look where hims going.

I also been a walk to the post box. All this exercise is bad for me I be sure of it. Well blow me I have witnessed extreme bush trimming in action. All the tits are in disarray! On the plus side I got chance to check out some more lunch boxes. Nasty cut that bush trimming man ended up with- he should be more in control of his equipment is all I can say. Think I need a lie down now.

Sunday: Don't know what the matter is with mines Mr Husband. We had a lovely trip out to Dorset to see mines sister the other day. I seen lots of things I could get him for fathers day. I found not one, not two but three dead badgers. A dead fox. A dead pheasant. A dead rabbit and a dead sandbag! Did he want them? No he feckin too fussy by half. I told him he ungrateful. Its the thought that counts..

Minge Fringe and Trim

My other friend, Big Pearl from Splatford Split (I know, don't laugh, she used to live Upper Ting Tong and before that up the Fanny Bridge area) came with us to the nail bar- she had her Minge fringe trimmed and now she got a fanny rash. I mean a funny rash. Damn autocorrect. Her husband, little Ted (yes really) big Ted's little brother (yes really- their mum liked the name Ted) he didn't want her to go. He don't like change don't little Ted. Tis true is that. They married for nearly 40 years and she only just got him to change his underpants. They did have to be sand blasted off after they broke the circular saw. Dirty Fecker is Little Ted. He thought it would change his view of her if she had the minge fringe trimmed. It did too. Now he don't be having her hair in his eyes when he goes between her legs to retrieve the Jack Russell. Tis true tis a Jack Russell they have- Little Ted thought it was a spaniel until Big Pearl had her Minge fringe trimmed. Little Ted is learning something new everyday just lately it seems.

Muff Buffing and Moth Balls

Ye must remember me telling ye yesterday about Dirty Gertie and her Vajazzle and the muff Buff (mine) and today we was supposed to go to get her muff sandblasted. Mines Mr Husband took me in Tesco instead. I tell ye, he will take me anywhere that man. No shame!. Tis true they don't do muff buffs in Tesco. But there was a couple in front of me at the checkout and they were having such an argument about whether she has bought the right top curtains I couldn't get a word in edgeways. No matter how I tried. All I wanted to do, after surveying the contents of her shopping trolley, was to let her know that the muff wash she had bought was loaded with chemicals. When I did manage to get a word in edgeways (I got her attention when I kicked her in the shin) I told her it was true- mines very own muff doctor told me not to use it. 'Loaded with chemicals' I tells her. 'Bleach, drain cleaner, Formahide, weed killer, moth balls- the lot',  I tells her I gave mine to mines mr Husband to wash his hair with (nothing goes to waste in this house I tell ye). He said he didn't fancy washing his hair with it but he would use it to wash the car with. So he did. Took a layer a paint off. Took the shine right off our car I tell ye. Well, well I be telling her all this she then turns around to look at me. She was a right minger. I takes one look at her and said 'forget I said anyfin me ol' babber, if yer face is owt to go by yer be needing yer muff sandblasting'. I gave her dirty Gerties number- they can go together on the second friday of the month tis always buy one, get one half price.

Vajazzled, Buffed Muffs and Sandblasting

Ye are probably all thinking I been quiet today. Well I been out with me mate Dirty Gertie- so named because- well I best not go there! Well she wanted to go to the new nail bar. I didn't want mine doing- I am practical and I have such things as housework to do. Only yesterday I had to strip off and do me shimmy-  ye know the vertical limbo and holding the boobies to get in me skinny bitch shower to clean it. Has to be done naked for practical reasons. Well I had to use the wire brush to scrub the crusty and mouldy cracks and grannies. Or words to that effect. Ye can't be having nice nails when ye have jobs like that to tackle!! Mines little sister (the one with the issues, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe (by her own admission)-) she got nice nails. I don't know how she gets on with her wire brush cleaning. Anyways I went with Gertie to the nail bar. After she had her nails done she went in the back room for a vajazzle. Well I was surprised cos she don't normally do jewellery but she wanted to surprise the butcher.  I am not keen on that either to be honest. Not surprising the butcher (I am all for that- tis usually the postman or the bin man here as ye all know)- but the vajazzle thingy- no I didn't fancy that. Un-hygienic if ye ask me.  But she did persuade me to go in for the muff buff. Gertie wanted her muff buffed as well but they said they couldn't do it. Apparently Sandblasting is strictly on Fridays. So we have to go again to-morrow. But I tell ye I am fair knackered now so I am going to have me kitty nap before I gets mines Mr Husbands dinner.

ZEN, 69, Wet and Naked!

So Last night Mines Mr Husband came home and asked why there is a naked plumber roaming round yer bedroom. 'How do ye know he is a plumber?' I asked him- 'Cos he got his pipe in his hand and looking dazed and confused muttering about O rings and gaffer tape' he said. 'What is he doing?' he asked again- 'Ye tell me' I says- 'you bis the one that seen him with his pipe in his hand'. 'He seems to be searching for something' he said. 'Looking for his clothes I expect', I tells him. Anyways mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips I tell ye. He made it his personal business to search for Ben not Zens clothes. I had scattered them far and wide-when he took his shoes off I said 'don't stop at ye shoes, we don't be havin' none of that clothes wearing business in this yer house'. I helped him out of them. He protested at first. I told him they were wet and wet clothes is bad for ye. He said they wasn't wet. So I put the hose on him. 'They are now me ol' cocker' I said. His under crackers ended up on her chimneypot at number 53- you know the family sized gateaux shaped one with the integrated bike rack- woman not chimney pot- come on now have ye ever seen a chimney pot with an integrated bike rack?- no I think not!!! Then having rounded up all the clothes, except his trousers- who knows where they ended up?- he gave them to Ben not Zen and told him he was free to go. Ben not Zen said he couldn't go until I had signed his docket (he had raised it specially for me!!) and rated him. I said he looked good wet and naked and was not bad at filling holes so I gave him a 69. Also slipped him me phone number- just in case me hole needs filling again!

Feeling Lumps and Filling Holes and Tighter Nuts

Well I had to wait for the plumber again today- as mines Mr Husband made a big fuss about me keeping the last one under the stairs. Ranted about Kidnap being illegal and poor chap turning blue blah blah. Then one we finds the boiler is still leaking through a little hole. This proves I should have been allowed to keep the other one. Although to be fair he did have a heart condition. I had to ring the nice plumber people and convince them to send me another. Well I am glad I did because they sent Ben- I could have sworn they said they were sending Zen. He mumbled about loose nuts. How rude I thought- he barely knows me. He started off by saying he only needed tighter nuts. Now I am expert in this field so I stripped immediately. Its the quickest solution for tightening nuts I know of. He seemed shocked. 'Put ye clothes back on pleeeassse', he begged. 'Well', I said to him 'I think the problem is me little hole wants filling'. Anyways I thought I will keep this one. Not making that mistake twice. Don't think I was using strong enough rope to start with because he managed to escape no less than 7 times. Slippery beast indeed!! I was going to keep him in the cupboard under the stairs but he is too nice for that. So I have left him in the bedroom- still tied up of course.  Later I might untie him and hide his clothes and let him roam about looking to see if any more little holes need filling!

Yesterday I went to see the Machoist. The neck lump doctor is his proper title it appears. True. Says that on me invitation to see him. They didn't have not a magazine to read in that waiting room. No siree. All they had was a copy of Mog the Cat. And a cover of an a Woman's Own magazine. It didn't take me long to read that from cover to cover I tell ye. Anyways it seems when ye are going to have a lump inspected in ye neck ye don't need ye best bra and knickers on. So I took them off. Apparently ye are not supposed to do that either. I thought he said he wanted to feel me in nymph mode- but apparently Mr Husband said he asked to feel my lymph node and he never once had mentioned stripping naked. I am sure he did though. I heard it said when I was staring at the doctor who looked like Colin Firth- I am sure he did. I thought this same thing happened when I accompanied mines little sister (the one with the issues, constipation, accidental blue hair, and part time camel toe) to the lumpy bum doctor. I wasn't supposed to strip off there either. But there ye goes- I could have sworn I heard the doctor say 'strip off'. Good job I had me best knickers on that day as well. I came over all necessary when he offered me his hand and said 'place that on the place ye needs me to feel'. Mines Mr Husband said 'He meant the lymph node- the lump- in ye neck- ye are rude woman'.

 On the plus side I saved a woman's life on the way home from the Machoist - yes true I did. ' Oh Lordy, Lordy Mind that woman on the crossing' I screamed at mines Mr Husband- oh my days he could have killed her! I am a heroine.

Twerking, Stripping and Stitching

Well I bet ye all thinking I lost me computer and can't be doing updates. Tisn't true if anyone tells ye this. I have been up to me neck. Mines little sister (NOT the one with the issues, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe (by her own admission)- the other one- her house burnt down - true it did. We have been helping her. That was on a Tuesday. Then on this Tuesday we had to take mines mother to  A&E to have her hand stitched together- she didn't want them stitched together but she kept putting her hands in her pockets and skipping and T'was getting dangerous at her age. I tell ye I fast be going off Tuesdays - tis a shame cos Tuesdays is orange and tis my favourite day. Apart from Saturdays which is my loud music and naked dancing day.

We sat all the afternoon in that darn hospital waiting and waiting. All they had for entertainment was a screen with information about vegetables. People in Bridgwater don't do vegetables. They should have had some burger and chips adverts or a couple of adverts on coke (ye can decide for yeself which sort!). I told ye receptionist 'come on woman, tis an emergency mines mother have had an accident and it wasn't her fault'. She said 'Take a seat and I will get someone to come and help ye fill out a claim form'. How annoying. 'Beggar off', I said, 'she be needing stitching first'. T'was true there weren't many people in that room at first but did soon fill out. T'was boring. So I stood up and said 'let's play I spy'. They all looked at me like I was gaga. Three foreign teenagers didn't know what I was saying. I am not any good at foreign. So I just poked each of them in the eye with a pen so they got the hang of it. 'I spy', I said loudly, 'with my little eye, something beginning with N'. Everyone looked around. 'Nurse' shouted someone one. Everyone jumped up and tried to follow the nurse. She hid in the loo and wouldn't come out until we bribed her with chocolate. Anyways I told them it wasn't nurse- T'was Numpty- T'was the man who came in with his boxers round his ankles. Can ye believe it he tried to shimmy up a drain pipe like that- or down. Couldn't hear all he was saying. He said his father was a boxer. I said ' don't tell me, ye mother was a poodle'.  Anyways the I spy was a washout. So then I skipped around the waiting room singing 'she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes'. I tried to get them all to join and do a conga. Apparently they can't do it without the Agadoo music and the receptionist said she only had Green Sleeves. I said 'that will teach ye not to lay on the grass in the lunch hour with the gynaecologist'. She said that that wasn't funny- she was only showing him her spot. Ooo-er Missus.

Then I organised a game of pass the parcel- first prize was a do it yeself stitch kit. Pity mines mother never won that- she couldn't have done with that.  The runners up prize was a do it yeself plaster of Paris kit for a broken leg. Ironic I thought that was as a runners up prize. Shame the old man that couldn't breathe won that- he could have done with some oxygen.

When he came in I could tell straight away he was an old pervert. 'Look mother', I says 'Its an old pervert'. She looked 'How do ye know that he is an old pervert?' she asked. 'Well', I tells her, 'listen to his heavy breath- he be one of thems  that breaths heavy down the phone to thee'. She thought about this for a split second. Then she got quite excited. 'Oooo-er', she said 'scribbling her phone number on an old tissue she had been blowing her nose on and mopping up blood with intermittently, 'give him my number' she instructed So I did. Also gave him mines little sisters numbers. T'wasn't easy I tell ye. His wife was trying to push me off. That was when the fight broke out. Then the doctor came round and ask me what was I doing. I told him he was an ol pervert- the ol' man with the heavy breathing not the doctor- although the Dr was a bit dishy so I reckon I could have perverted him. Anyways the Dr said that the old man was not a heavy breather or a pervert. He was having a asthma attack. I ask ye, how the feck was I supposed to know??

Then I got the receptionist to find some music- then I did me stripper routine. Tisn't easy ye know to do that to Space Odyssey. There were a couple of strokes and a couple of near misses. I heard someone gasping rapidly. Twas the old geezer with the asthma. Mines mother said ' Get yeself down off that desk and behave theself'. All i was trying to do was liven things up. Peoples feeling bad wants a bit of entertainment to take thems minds of things. Mines mother said she agreed but that poor bloke with the broken leg tried to run away when I did mines twerking up against him (tis the rules of twerking)- then he fell over and broke the other leg. Cue the man with the plaster of Paris kit. 'See', I said 'bit of community spirit tis all it needs'.

Anyways mines mother is all stitched up and I am not allowed back in A&E even if it is an emergency. I shall have to get mineself a stethoscope and go and disguised as a doctor.